Here's my Pokemon/SM crossover,part 2. Comments are requested.

All right, this actually looks interesting. Why not?

Just keep in mind Dr. Thinker actually thought of this first. Wrote it out
badly, but thought of it first.

Disclaimer: Pok�mon property of Nintendo,Game Freak,Creatures Inc.
		Sailor Moon property of Naoko Takeuchi,Toei,and DiC inc.

Legend:
 ~XXX~: Thought dialogue
 [XXX]: Pok�mon dialogue to other Pok�mon(aka Isle of Giant Pok�mon)

(Gotta Catch Them All! Gotta Catch Them All! POK�MON!!!)
(Pikachu bounces a ball on his head) Welcome to our show!

** Pok� Moon **
** A Sailor Moon / Pok�mon crossover **

Narrator: Ash and his friends came to Tokyo to participate in the
fabled Cosmic Elite Competitions,and as soon as they got off the
plane,they run into Team Rocket,who was blasted off by the legendary
Sailor Moon and her friends,the Sailor Senshi. Even now,Darien Shields,

Ah. Manga name. Makes a bit of sense, but there's a little bit of naming
nitpicks a little later on.

Serena's boyfriend,is telling them about the fabled Senshi. But more
could be on the way,as new enemies arrive...

===============================
	   ** Part 2 **
ASH: Pok�mon Match With a Youma
===============================

"So," said Ash. "Tell me more about these Sailor Senshi."

"Well..." said Darien,who poured Ash some tea. The young man had moved
Ash and his two friends(not including Pikachu)

Mmm. Suggest just "Ash and his friends". If it's good enough for the announcer,
it's good enough for you.

into his apartment. It
was a well-built place with roses in a vase.

One vase in a multi-room apartment? Where's the vase, exactly? Does he sleep in
it or something?

Perhaps if you _want_ to put something like this in, say that a nice crystal
vase of roses propped on a low table caught Ash's eye as he walked in. Or words
to that effect.

There was a balconey that

There is no 'e' in balcony.

led outside to a beautiful view of the city,including Tokyo Tower. "The
Sailor Senshi are powerful female warriors. They fight for love and
justice,and do everything to protect Tokyo from evil."

Except killing off a certain little pink-haired... no, no, relax, deep,
cleansing breaths, must not hate her based on crappy dubbing...

"Like Team Rocket," said Misty.

Team Rocket's not evil so much as bumbling and incompetent. They're more chaotic
neutral.

"Well,not just Team Rocket," said Darien. "I heard about those evil
poachers from the news. Anyone who does evil is a target for the
Senshi,no matter what. Luckily,Sailor Moon's power can't hurt humans."

Hmm. They're ordinary crimefighters now? It's how Sailor V got started, true...

"Phew,that's a relief," said Ash.

"Yeah,and they're hot!" said Brock eagerly.

Brock does _not_ talk like Johnny Bravo. Maybe have him doing the "beautiful..."
and accompanying wistful sigh.

Mallet time!

Hmm. A bit too fourth-wall-ish. I suggest making it something on the order of
"Any further speculation was cut off by a mallet to his head."

"Shut up!" said Misty,removing the mallet from Brock's head. "Still,
that Tuxedo Mask is so cute! I wonder if he's single."

"Sorry,he's taken," said Darien,sweatdropping. "Sailor Moon's his
girl." Misty facefaulted.

Err... it shouldn't come as _that_ big of a surprise. If she'd said Haruka was
cute and then found out the truth, I could see the facefault. One of those
dejected, gusty sighs is probably in order.

"Hey,all girls fall for him,heh heh."

Hmm. The way things sound now, it's like he's secretly congratulating himself on
his attractiveness, not laughing nervously. You may want to have the former as
the effect, I don't know, but I don't think the boy's _that_ much of a pig...

Just then,the doorbell rang. Darien opened it and seven girls entered.
One had short blue hair,another had long black hair,a third had a
brown ponytail,a fourth had long blond hair,a fifth had short blonde

Err... blonde with an e and blond without an e. Which one's the right way to
spell things?

hair,the sixth had wavy green-aqua hair,and the last was Serena.

Uh... you may want to keep the hair motif. And put spaces after all your commas.

And this is where the name nitpick starts. If you're using the Outers and their
Japanese names, then the Inners should have Japanese names as well. All it takes
is a decent find-and-replace bit, really.

"Hi," said Serena. "So,you're Ash Ketchum! Nice to meet you!"

Pikachu saw them and saw through them. [The Sailor Senshi?] he said.

Err. That first bit's a little awkward. Maybe, "when Pikachu saw them, he sensed
something... familiar."

Note I'm not disputing it. Pikachu is uncannily perceptive...

Of course,Pikachu's words were not understandable by the girls.

They're Pokemon trainers, right? Mako-chan, at least, should be able to get the
gist of what a Pikachu is saying.

And suggest, "Of course, the girls couldn't understand Pikachu."

"I think Pikachu recognizes you from somewhere," said Ash. The girls
giggled. "So,are you Darien's friends?"

"Yes," said Michiru. "I am Michiru Kaiou,this is my partner Haruka."

Again, I say... either dub the Outers into pseudo-English or undub the Inners
back into Japanese...

"Nice to meet you," said Misty. "I'm Misty." She shook Michiru's hand
and Michiru was startled. She had a feeling that she knew Misty.

Again, maybe replace this with "Misty felt somehow... familiar."

"I'm Lita," said the brunette. "This is Mina,and the other girl is Rei."

"Moshi moshi," said Rei,bowing. "Nice to meet you." She and Brock saw
each other and stopped. Rei looked at him. ~He looks like Chad...~

~ Well, if Chad got a haircut and a decent tan and a hold of an eyebrow
pencil... ~

Brock looks _nothing_ like Chad. If this is somehow a plot point, ~Why does he
remind me of Chad? He doesn't look a _thing_ like him...~ should suffice.

"Whoa..." said Brock,smitten by the girl. ~She's so sexy!~

Again, Brock doesn't think like this. It never hit with the glamour of the ghost
of Maiden's Peak, and it shouldn't hit now.

"Ah...I'm
Brock Sauros,from Pewter City. Nice to meet you."

..._Sauros_? Hmm. It does explain the Onix, but I'd suggest a different last
name. Like Stone. Unless that name's canon, in which case...

"Same here," said Rei softly.

"What's going on,Michiru,Rei?" asked Haruka,confused.

"Ah...nothing," answered Michiru,slightly blushing. She fingered at
him and Haruka nodded - Michiru would talk to her later.

Him who? And "fingered" sounds more than a little ecchi...

"So,why are you all here?" asked Ash.

"We came to meet the great Ash Ketchum!" said Mina eagerly. "You are
well known,even in Japan! Right,guys?" The others nodded.

Amy called up an old article on her computer and showed it.

Whoa, whoa, hit the brakes, hold the phone... she may have _access_ to that
horribly powerful little computer outside of the transformation, but she doesn't
go around showing it off. Computers haven't hit the portable stage yet, in
either series, I don't think. Certainly not in Pokemon.

Hmm. The Pokedex seems to be an exception, though. Perhaps her computer in this
incarnation looks oddly _like_ a Pokedex?

"You
rallied the people of the St. Anne to fight Team Rocket! You are
just like Sailor Moon,rallying her Senshi to fight the Negaverse."

That's "Dark Kingdom".

"Ah...it was nothing," said Ash modestly.

Perhaps embarrassed by the attention, but Ash is never modest if he can help it.

"Hmph," said Misty. "At least you're modest this time."

"And you showed that jerk Gary who's the boss!" said Lita,smacking
her hand. "If I had been there,I would have beat that bully up!"

Actually...

::POKEMON SPOILER::

Gary gets his butt whipped rather spectacularly by MewTwo when he tries to take
it on, late in the first season of the anime. It even knocks out his
cheerleaders.

Whatever fight he eventually gets into with Gary, for the championship, is
likely to be very close.

"Yeah,me too!" said Haruka,smacking the wall.

Uh... no. Haruka is probably as un-"Me too!" as they're likely to get. She
probably wouldn't go any better than a backhanded compliment to Mako-chan, if
that.

"Yeah,right," said Darien,sweatdropping.

Uh... no. He's seen both of them in action, and they're quite competent
fighters. Add to the fact that Gary himself isn't exactly a spectacular physical
specimen, and... well...

"Just don't knock my
apartment down,girls,okay?" He turned to Ash. "So,you are going
to be part of the Cosmic Elite Competitions,right?"

Hmm. Suggest taking off the "right" part. "So... you've come to Tokyo for the
Cosmic League matches?"

"Sure," said Ash. "I can't wait to get those new badges."

Maybe have his eyes do that sparkle-with-greed thing. The boy does like his
badges.

"We should call Professor Oak and tell him we made it okay," said Brock,
trying not to look at the roomful of girls.

Hmm. Perhaps have him fighting down his instincts. Brock can be chillingly
competent when he wants to, even in the face of feminine pulchritude...

"Ah...we'd better leave," said Michiru. "Setsuna and Hotaru are waiting
for us,and we need to study...for our tests."

And Michiru is _never_ as awkward as you've made her sound here. At least I
don't remember so...

She smiled sweetly and
led the others out. Rei lingered a bit,but Serena pulled her out.

Hmm. That last sentence sounds a bit too cut-and-dried.

~~+~~

**Ringringring! Ringringring! Phonecall! Phonecall!**

Professor Oak's face showed up on the videophone screen. "Ash! How nice
to see you so soon! I heard that a fight broke out in the airport. Did
you three make it to Tokyo okay?" He was mixing something.

Perhaps put that little comment back at the beginning of the paragraph...

"Yeah,some girls called the Sailor Senshi saved us," said Ash.

Uhh... Ash knows who they are. He'd probably just say the Senshi saved them...

"The SENSHI?!" said Oak,dropping his flask. *BOOM!* It blew up.

"Are you okay,Professor?" asked Ash in horror.

"They got my cousin Tomoe a few years back! CLOSE THE CONNECTION NOW!!"

Prof. Oak wiped his sooty face. "Ha ha ha,yes I am. But I was shocked!
You said that the Sailor Senshi saved you? Amazing! I heard stories
about those warriors,but never in my life did I ever think to see them.

Technically, he _hasn't_ seen them.

I am sure that you are in good hands,for these girls fight monsters
that have been reported to attack innocents."

Hmm. A bit awkward, even for Oak-sensei.

"Are you sure this is a good idea,Ash?" asked Misty nervously. "I mean,
if monsters attack us while we're training..."

It'll be about par for the series, but you don't have to know that.

"Oh,don't worry," said Oak. "The Senshi are capable fighters. Well,I
have to clean up. Nice to see you again,and good luck. Bye!" The image
vanished as Darien came in carrying a tray.

"Hey,guys," he said. "You want some snacks?"

"Pika pi!" said Pikachu,grabbing one of the little hamburgers and
devouring it. "Pika pika pikachu!" He soon devoured the others.

I didn't know mice ate meat...

Maybe he just dips into the little dish of ketchup on the tray...

"Ah...Pikachu loves ketchup," said Ash. Darien got a sweatdrop.

Uh. It's just "sweatdropped". You see, in addition to being a contrived word,
sweatdrop is also a noun-verb.

~~+~~

Meanwhile,the Senshi were at Lita's house,discussing Ash Ketchum
and his friends. Michiru spoke up first. "I had a strange feeling
about Misty. When I checked the Aqua Mirror,it showed her in a
Sailor fuku." The girls were shocked to hear this.

Somehow, I'm not. Was Brock wearing a tuxedo?

"You mean Misty's a Sailor Senshi?" asked Serena.

"Impossible," said Luna,shaking her head. Yes,Luna and Artemis were
there. They had come over on the others' insistence.

Un. Author talking to reader. Bad, bad, very bad. Put this mention back when you
describe the gathering.

"There are only
nine Senshi,and they've all been accounted for!

Starlights. Amazoness Quartet. Galaxia and her henchmen. Galaxia's MoTD's.
Sailor Chibi-Moon. Need I go on?

There can't be any
other Senshi. The only planet without one is Earth,and Darien is
the Sailor Senshi of the Earth!

"Tuxedo Crystal Power, Make-Up!" Ah... no. Technically, he's not a _Sailor_
Senshi at all. Just a Senshi.

You must be mistaken."

"No," said Setsuna,deep in thought. "The Aqua Mirror never lies.
There is a tenth Sailor Senshi. She isn't mentioned much in the
annals of the Moon Kingdom,for her heritage was somewhat debased.
You see,her father was the King of the Negamoon,Nemesis."

Ah. Naru-chan. See, that's why they keep attacking her. Nemesis isn't good
anymore, so she can't draw power from it, but she still tastes like a Senshi...

Hmm. And if you are going to put in Nemesis, the Nemesis from Sailormoon R was
just a rogue planet that happened to be passing by. Several people have
speculated that the Silver Millennium Nemesis blew itself apart and created the
asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter. I tend to agree with them.

"NEMESIS!?" cried Luna in horror. "No way!"

This is the eighteen-year old Luna from the original version? The one who falls
in love with an astronomer and gets mad over Artemis cheating on her?

If not, I'd suggest "But... that shouldn't be _possible_!" as that exclamation.

"Yes," said Hotaru. "I have been having dreams ever since I regained
my age with the Dream Mirror."

Uh... hate to break it to you, Hotaru-chan, but _everybody_ has dreams...

(That's a little story I may expand
on.) "When I regained my age,I began to have visions. I see Prince
Diamond and Sapphire in a field of flowers.

What, right now? I suggest writing the vision in past tense...

They are with a little
girl with reddish-pink hair. They call her their ancestor."

NOOOOOO! Chibi-Chibi IS the source of all Darkness...

And the Demand and Saffir they fought in Sailormoon R were exiled from Earth in
the 23rd century. As was the entire population of Nemesis...

"Yes," said Setsuna. "That is Princess Coral of Neptune.

My, what an original name. Mmm. Actually, that's fairly good. Sorry about the
snipe.

Michiru,
this was your little sister in the Moon Kingdom.

Suggest combining this with the prior sentence. "...your little sister,
Michiru."

She was a bit
younger than you and spent most of her life on the Neptunian moon
Triton. She was fond of water and was a great swimmer."

"Hmm..." said Artemis. "Now that you mention it,I do recall legends
on the Moon Kingdom of a 'Water Lily' girl on Triton.

Uh... "legends"? She was _real_. And probably not spectacular enough to inspire
_legends_. Suggest "recall hearing about a 'Water Lily' girl on Triton in the
Moon Kingdom. She never came to court, though."

Could Misty
be the Sailor Senshi of Triton and we didn't know?"

Suggest lopping off those last four words.

"Could be," said Amy. "Triton is larger than Mercury,and I am the
Sailor Senshi of Mercury,so it wouldn't be ridiculous for that moon
to have a Sailor Senshi connected with it. She'd be weaker than us,
but she could have powers that would be useful."

It's not the size of the planet that matters, really... it's the size of the
mana tap. Or number of ley lines. Or something. Perhaps Ami-chan got into a few
old files about potential candidates for other Senshi from the major moons of
the outer planets. Charon, for example, is nearly as large as Pluto is. So have
her say something like "Triton has the _potential_ to create a Senshi, but its
astral power is weaker than any of the planets. A lot of the larger moons were
like that. They were looking into creating lunar senshi back in the Silver
Millennium... hmm... ::keys tapping:: she'd have powers like yours, Michiru, but
a bit weaker... though another teammate always helps."

Well, perhaps not so verbose.

"I...I don't know," sighed Luna. "Let's wait a bit before we rush
into things. Misty's a Gym Leader,and we may be making a mistake.
After all,that power could be from her Pok�mon."

Hmm. Good point by Luna, who is back to her matronly accent again.

Though one does wonder how just having Pokemon could put Misty's reflection in a
fuku...

Serena then saw Rei in thought and grinned. "Oh Rei...you look like
you are in love with someone...I saw you lingering over Brock."

Maybe "I saw the way you were looking at Brock..."

Rei glared at her. "You wanna be meatloaf,meatball head?!"

"Stop fighting," said Michiru. "We're a team,remember?"

Suggest one of this Inners to break this up, or possibly Hotaru.

"Right,Rei,haven't you got something to do?" asked Mina.

Rei looked at them,then realized something. "Oh yeah! I'm the first
Gym Leader the challengers will fight!

Hmm. They work in sequence? The original badges didn't work that way, I know.
It's just that your path took you through the gyms... you could take them on in
any order you wanted, really.

I'd better get Hikawa Shrine
ready for the trainers." She got up,bowed,and left.

"I still say she's in love..." giggled Serena. The next thing she
tasted was a Pok�ball in the mouth. "UMF!"

"tasted"? Suggest "The next thing she said was muffled by the Pokeball that
plugged her mouth."

Everyone let out a sweatdrop.

Again, use the noun-verb nature of the word.

~~+~~

Ash and his friends were heading towards their first gym. "So,the
first gym is Hikawa Shrine," said Ash.

Maybe make it clear it's supposed to be a sequential fight..

"That's right," said Brock. "Beat the Gym Leader there and you'll
get the Mars Badge,the first of the ten Cosmic Badges."

Okay. That's a bit obvious... I suggest at least calling them by their Greek
names. Hermes Badge, Aphrodite Badge, Selene Badge*, Endymion Badge*, Ares
Badge, Jovian Badge, Cronus Badge, Ciel Badge**, Poseidon Badge, Hades Badge.

* Selene was a Roman moon goddess I believe, with Endymion her shepherd lover.
The second could also conceivably be the Gaea Badge.

** Uranus was the personification of Heaven and has no names analogue in Greek
mythology. Bullfinch doesn't think so, anyway. So I've turned to the French for
"sky".

"I can beat that trainer!" laughed Ash.

More like "Piece of cake!", really.

"Ash,don't get overconfident," scolded Misty. "This isn't the little
leagues anymore,but the major leagues!"

Suggest "Pokemon Island was the little leagues. This is the majors!"

"Hey,I won't fret if I lose," said Ash. "I just think I'll win."

Uh... _what_ was that first sentence? Suggest perhaps "It won't be the end of
the world if I lose".

Just then,a youma crashed out of the nearby shop,carrying a glowing
ball of energy.

Isn't that conveeeeeenient?

It was a hideous crossbreed of woman and serpent,like
the mythical naga of folklore.

Technically, naga are women's heads on serpent's bodies. What this looks most
like is a marilith tanar'ri, but that's an AD&D term. Perhaps lose the reference
altogether?

"What's that?" asked Ash. He activated
Dexter and scanned the creature with it.

NO POKEMON ENTRY FOUND.

"Oh no," said Misty. "It must be one of the youmas!"

"Then I'll destroy it!" said Ash,expanding his Pok�ball.

He's only got one? Suggest "plucking a Pokeball from his belt and expanding it."

"No,don't do it!" said Brock. "This is different from a wild
Pok�mon! You should let the Sailor Senshi handle it."

This isn't how Brock speaks. More like, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Ash.
This isn't a wild Pokemon; the Senshi can handle it a lot better than you can."

"I can't let that thing get away," said Ash. He ran up and threw
the ball. "Go Bulbasaur! I choose you!"

"Bulba!" said the creature as it appeared.

"Vine whip!" ordered Ash,and the Bulbasaur complied,firing two vines
that wrapped around the creature's body and bound it fast.

Right. Do the status effects first, then bring in support Pokemon...

"That idiot's gonna get killed!" hissed Misty.

"Vulpix!" shouted Brock,summoning a red six-tailed fox.

Suggest "releasing... from its pokeball." Summoning involves pentagrams or at
least dark portals in this section of the animeverse.

"Fire Spin!"

"Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" ordered Ash.

"Vulpix!" said the fox,breathing fire.

"Pikachuuuuuuu!!!" cried Pikachu,unleashing electric death.

CHEW BLAZING ELECTRIC DEATH, SNARLING CUR!

"HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" screamed the youma

Uh... suggest just "The youma screamed"

as fire and lightning
ripped it apart. It melted into slime as the Senshi arrived. The ones
who had shown up were Mercury,Jupiter,Uranus,and Neptune,plus Moon.

Hmm. Suggest "There were five of them: Mercury, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune, and of
course, Sailor Moon."

"What happened?" asked Sailor Moon. "Where did the youma go?"

"We killed it," said Ash. He gasped as Uranus lifted him up.

Suggest adding "by his jacket" or some such to the end of that sentence.

And why, pray tell, are the guardians against external threats doing the grunt
work of youma hunting?

"You idiot!" Uranus shouted at him. "Don't you EVER do that again!
This creature is very powerful and could have killed you or your
Pok�mon. Just be glad I don't pound you in the ground."

Hmm. This feels a bit wrong somehow. "Now listen to me, _boy_. Youma, unlike
Pokemon, will attack to _kill_. Always. This isn't a game, kid, and the last
thing any of us need to worry about is some _civilian_ with delusions of grander
getting his crazy self _killed_ doing our job."

That's a bit more like it, I think. As it is, the speech would sound better
coming from Mako-chan yelling down at him. The whole grab-by-shirt-front thing
implies a little more seriousness and contempt.

"Uranus!" said Neptune. "Let him go. Ash is a very powerful trainer,
and his Pok�mon are reliable. Don't be jealous."

Uh... no. Neptune isn't one much for extolling virtues. "He _did_ somehow manage
to become a Grandmaster on that tiny island of his. I think he can take care of
himself, hmm?"

Uranus snorted and dropped Ash,who adjusted his vest. "Don't you get
involved in our fights,Ash!" ordered the blonde Senshi. "This is our
fight,not yours! The Negaverse is too powerful for you!"

Hmm. I suggest something here about Ash not having the advantage of surprise
next time, as whatever sent that thing knows about him now.

"Hey,we saved you some work and you complain," said Brock. "Be honored
that the great Pok�mon Master and his friends did your job!"

This would sound better coming from Ash, actually. Brock would say something
more like, "Be that as it may, we _did_ manage to take care of that youma, and
we _didn't_ get hurt in the process. I think that deserves something a bit
better than a warning."

"You may be popular," warned Uranus. "But you are fools to think that
your creatures can defeat an army of youma. Stay out of our fights!"

Hmm. That last line is a bit more Haruka-like, but again, I'd suggest something
more along the lines of that youma fight to kill and don't fight fairly, yadda
yadda yadda...

"I think we'd better go," said Sailor Moon sheepishly. The group left.

She, at least, should thank them. Commend them. Acknowledge them. Something.

"Sheesh," said Misty. "That Senshi was...rude."

"Well,I guess we should have let them handle it," said Ash sadly.

Hmm. Suggest "Maybe we _should_ have let them handle it."

"Pika?" asked Pikachu. He wondered how Sailor Uranus could be so
cold towards Ash,after Ash did a job that was meant for the Senshi.

Because he's just a hunk of skin and bone that youma can cut through like so
much butter? And Pokemon are roughly the same?

Sure,the Senshi could have handled it,but what were the Pok�mon?

Cute little furry animals, for the most part. Not Crusaders Against Evil.

"Come on," said Ash,shifting his cap. "Let's go to Hikawa Shrine."

Hmm. And that wraps up the C&C. A few final things.

1) Spaces go after all punctuation marks. This makes it a bit easier on the
eyes.

2) You can have dubbed Pokemon characters and dubbed Senshi, dubbed Pokemon
characters and undubbed Senshi, but not dubbed Pokemon characters and a mix of
dubbed and undubbed Senshi. Keep name usage consistent within one series'
characters.

3) My interpretation of the characters differs widely from yours. Gratingly, in
places. This doesn't make you wrong, or me right, and I'm sorry if it sounds
that way. I get like that. Just consider an opposing point of view, as it were.

--G. Falconar