Here we go again....

--- Hotaru Savere <silverspane@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

Here we are with part 2!!!! Thank you to my prereader. Thanks to all
those 
who complimented me (I LOVE compliments). Here we go!!!!

"Quote, quote....What shall I use today. Ahh, don't pick on lysdexic
poeple, 
I mean dyslexic people because......Oh, just don't do it."
Me


By Hotaru
Music from: Hunting of the Snark, Les Miserables
Poetry from: Katrin Boniface, Rudyard Kipling
Pre-reading by: Beky NeRichnead

                  Wordsmiths Pt.2

     Hotaru was depressed. Imani was taking a month long trip back
to America. Hotaru liked the others, but knew Imani the best. This
was because Imani was the most outgoing. She saw the door to 219
was closed and went to go home

*Dropped a period here, but that's not my big nit.  You've used WAY too
much passive voice in this 'graph.  Try to use active verbs when you
can--and if you want to make a character's mood known, show us
something that indicates the mood, rather than saying "Hotaru was
depressed."  As a for-instance:
    Hotaru dragged her feet as she walked through the hall.  Imani
  wouldn't get back from her trip to America for almost a month. 
  While Hotaru liked the others in the Wordsmiths, she really only
  knew the outgoing Imani well.  When she saw the door to room 219
  was locked, she sighed and headed for home.
You see what I'm trying to get at?*

     When she was halfway home a voice from behind her sung, "I

*Verb tense:  "... behind her sang,".*

must have known that it existed, but I couldn't quite conceive it."

     He stopped and smiled. He said, "Imani has instructed us to
have you take her place until she returns. Come to the meeting
tomorrow, we have music to make."

*Comma-splice:  "... tomorrow; we...".*

     The next day at lunch Brian was alone in 219. She smiled and
sat at the piano. She had learned it from Haruka, but was never
very good. She experimented with a few notes. She sat for the
period composing a song.

*Hmmm...  Again, avoid the passive:  "... piano.  She plunked a few
notes out, tentatively, wishing that she had done a better job of
learning when Haruka had taught her."*

     "Luna and Artemis would like that." Hotaru said without
thinking. "They're just some friend's of Michiru-mama's." she

*End quote with a comma:  '... Michiru-mama's," she...'.*

quickly added on.

     He motioned for her to sit at the table. "See this is what I

*Comma: "See, this is...".*

recorded....."

                                *2*
     In the middle of the night, Haruka ran in as Michiru changed.
"Hotaru-chan, the Princess is dying, we need your help."

*Either a dash, a period or a semicolon after "dying", not a comma.  to
my mental "ear", a dash (--) works best--it implies a fairly tight
cut-off.*

     Hotaru jumped up and transformed into Sailor Saturn, the
Sailor of Silence. She followed Haruka, who drove her to the scene
of the fight.
     Sailor Moon was in her princess form and being held by
Endymion. She rushed over to Sailor Moon. She laid her hand on her

*Hmmm... again, kill the passive, and adjust for pronoun/antecedent: 
"Sailor Moon, in her princess form, lay still and silent in Endymion's
arms.  Haruka rushed to her.".*

forehead and began the healing, but the damage was too great.
Hotaru could only keep her around for a few more minutes at most.

     "Brother it ebbs from my flank and side." was the answer.

*Comma after "Brother".*

     In the dark no one could see Hotaru smile.

*Oh, and for the record... Kick-ass scene!*

     Hotaru felt dejected. Her weak body made her ill suited to
fighting. Nyale continued in a softer tone. "If one follows the
rhythm, much is possible. You have been dancing, but now you must
fight. For what is fighting but a form of dance."

*Last line is a question:  "... of dance?".*

     Then she walked away. She was not surprised to see Nyale
watching. She nodded in approval and continued on her way. Hotaru
felt strong for the first time in her life.

*Freemage makes a series of "Whoop" noises.*

                               *5*
     It was Saturday. Haruka answered a knock at the door. A red
haired boy stood there. "I would like to speak with Hotaru-chan."

*Hyphen:  "red-haired boy".*

     "Well, I have planned a full day of activities to keep you
occupied until Imani's return tomorrow." he said.

*Comma after "tomorrow".*

     That night they returned. Haruka and Michiru watched her. "Our
little girl is growing up." Michiru said.

*Comma after "up".*

     "He has attacked many places, but they all have one thing in
common." Ami said. "In every area there was a concentration of very

*Comma after "common".*

young children. I believe he will strike in a school."

Okay, three points:

1>  Expand your verb vocabulary, in terms of what you have mentally
availible when writing.  The more action words you have on hand, the
less you'll need to resort to the passive voice.

2>  Watch your punctuation, especially on quotes.  If a direct
attribution follows the quote, it always takes the form: "Q," A.

3>  Wonderful stuff!  If my C&C seems nit-picky, it's because I enjoyed
the story so much I want to see it rise to its full potential.  It took
me about half an hour to run through this chapter in this fashion.  I
wouldn't do it if I didn't think the fic was worth the time and effort.

Looking forward to the next installment!

--Freemage
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