Yes, I like this version better.  

    A she looked at thee young woman in the picture a tear came to his
eye. "Oh... Manager, I hope you're happy with Mitaka."

"As he looked at the"

I like that.  Godai provides a counterbalance for Akane's choice.  

    <That wasn't meant as a compliment.> Nabiki stood up and went to
her room.

Maybe she should just say that.  

    Hanaki sighed. "You've always hated my teachings, haven't you?"

    "No... just when you think your religion has the answer to
everything."

Nabiki:  What I hate is always coming fourth in the holiness 
competition!

   For the next week, Ranma and Akane would work out together in the
dojo. Ranma still wouldn't spar with a girl, but would sit and watch

Uh...Ranma just beat the bejezus out of a hundred girls.  Surely he's 
gotten over that little scruple.  

  Ranma started running towards the front of the church. Nine meters.
Akane remained on the altar, her mind still locked in its internal
conflict. Eight meters.

Given the countdown, it sounds more like he's walking than running.  
I mean, Hanaki doesn't have time for her speech if he's running the ten
meters.