"Jim Lazar" <jimlazar@earthlink.net> wrote:

Please let me know how the revised ending is and if you like the idea of
two versions of the same story: One with the Shadows and one without.

I definitely think this reads better without the framing story. The SC
stuff in the other version didn't interest me at all, frankly.

As for this story, where it needs work, IMO, is characterization. Akane
should be acting like a cross between her canon self and the canon
Sister Angela; but instead, she acts like Sister Angela part of the time
and Akane the rest of the time. Moreover, we don't get to read enough of
her thoughts and feelings to understand why she does what she does.

Likewise for Ranma. As written, his confession of love to Akane seemed
to me to be just out of the blue. This story, IMO, needs to go more
deeply into his thoughts and emotions so that we can understand the
reasons for his behavior. If you can do this, you'll have a good story.

Couple minor things: Being reminded of the fic title every few paraphs
is quite annoying; the initials used here are not as bad as the full
name of the series in the other draft, but still I'd rather see a plain
section divider. Oh, and "Sister Angela" was mistakenly written as
"Sister Angel" in a few places.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html