This is my last post before leaving for Otakon.  Please enjoy the
beginnings of my parody of the state of Ranma fanfiction as it
seems to be in these days (at least the way it was when I wrote
this way back when).  If you see something of yours that looks
like it's being made fun of, it probably is.


Mallets and Bimbos and Americans.  Oh my!
a work of parody
by Lara Bartram


	"At last!  The Tendo dojo!"  The huge, muscular gaijin 
stood in front of the gate, his blond hair flowing like a movie 
star in the light breeze while his perfect blue eyes drank in 
the sight.  This would be where he become the PERFECT martial 
artist.
	He entered the yard and called out, "Hello?  I'm here.  
Come worship me."
	"BAKA!" someone screamed.
	There was the sound of an explosion and a section of the 
roof of the home exploded outward and the body of Ranma Saotome, 
asshole extreme, flew through the air.
	"Hello?" the gaijin called out once again.  "I think I'm 
supposed to be revered here or something."
	The door opened revealing a young woman in a dress and an 
apron.  "Oh my!" she proclaimed.
	<She's a goddess!> he immediately thought, knowing she 
couldn't resist his charms.
	"Oh my!" she repeated.
	<OK, so she's a little short upstairs...>
	"BAKA!  I HATE THAT PERVERT!"  Another girl came marching 
out of the house, her eyes ringed with red, like those of the 
devil himself.  "THAT BAKA PERVERT!  HOW COULD HE DO THAT?"
	"Oh my!"
	"BAKA, KASUMI!  STOP SAYING THAT!"
	"Oh my!"
	So the pretty bimbo's name was Kasumi.  It was a start.  
"Hi, I'm..." the gaijin started to say.
	"SHUT UP, YOU BAKA!  I HAVE TO GO BEAT UP THAT PERVERT FOR 
DATING THE ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL AT ONCE!  THAT BAKA PERVERT!"  The 
girl whipped out a mallet from her bra and smacked the bimbo 
with it.
	"Oh my!" she said as she crumpled to the ground.
	"Look, you psycho, flat-chested, tomboy chick!  Don't you 
know who I am?" the gaijin yelled.  "I'm Jeremy Toyohatori-
Sakurabayashi.  I'm from America so that means you have to 
worship me!"
	"WHAT KIND OF BAKA NAME IS THAT?  I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID 
YOU WERE FROM AMERICA, YOU BAKA!"
	"Yes, well I changed my name from Jones to Toyohatori-
Sakurabayashi.  It makes me sound like I'm really Japanese, 
doesn't it?"  He smiled triumphantly at his cleverness.
	"BAKA!"  She charged at him, whipping another mallet out 
of nowhere and swung it at his head.
	Jeremy merely thought about dodging and moved out of the 
way.  The mallet smashed a small pink cat that had entered the 
yard behind him to a greasy smear on the walk.  "Ouch.  That's 
gotta hurt," he said, looking at the splotch.
	"YOU BAKA!  YOU MADE ME MISS CRUSHING YOUR SKULL!  NOW 
THAT BIMBO, SHAMPOO, IS DEAD AND YOU'RE NOT, YOU BAKA!" the girl 
screamed at him, another mallet in her hands.
	Jeremy blew a puff of breath in her direction and she 
abruptly fell to the ground, unconscious.  Smiling, Jeremy 
nodded to himself.  "Good old shiatsu breath attacks," he said 
and marched up to the house.
	He stepped over the bimbo still on the floor and went 
inside.  "Hello?"
	His only answer was non-stop sobbing coming from another 
room, periodic wails of 'Akane!  My little baby!' thrown in for 
good measure.  The sound of footsteps heading down the stairs 
caught his attention.  He looked up and started to drool right 
away.
	Nabiki gasped at the sight of the American, rich and 
powerful American, standing at the bottom of the stairs.  She 
was in love.  Her ice cold heart, never having experienced love 
before, melted under the lustful gaze of the beefy studmuffin.
	"You will be mine," Jeremy said as he stared at her.
	Nabiki nodded absently.  "I don't know what your name is, 
but I have to have you," she breathed.  A minute in his presence 
was enough for her to know that she would gladly forget all her 
dreams of wealth and stay barefoot and pregnant as much as he 
wanted while waiting on him hand and foot.
	She jumped down the stairs and landed in his powerful 
arms, their lips meeting immediately.
	"Oh my!"
	"Nabiki!  My little girl!" the wailing continued.
	There was a whistling sound and the sound of a tremendous 
splash in the pond.  "That sexless tomboy!" a very female voice 
cried out.  "Just because I called her stupid and a know-nothing 
wimpy girl..."
	"Oh my!"
	"Oh my little Kasumi!  The only thing she can say is 'oh 
my!'." Soun wailed, water fountaining from his eyes, into an 
irrigation ditch that emptied into the pond.
	"Take me away from all this," Nabiki whispered to Jeremy, 
sticking her tongue in his ear.
	"Right.  Upstairs we go," he answered immediately and 
sprinted up the stairs with Nabiki in his arms.

~~~~~~ To be continued?