Douglas MacDougall <dougmacd@dougmacd.net> wrote:

I DREAM OF RANMA

Ranma 1/2 Manga Fanfiction

suggest: A Ranma 1/2

What, change my header format after nearly three years? :)

Episode 3:
On the Horns of a Dilemma

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
You're going to hell for your puns, bub.  ;)

NYA HA HA!

[...]

	Akane handed her copy of the menu to the waitress. "I'll have the
beefbowl."

	"Figures a tomboy like you would order something like that,
Akane," Ranma teased.

I'm missing some sort of cultural reference here, I'm sure.

I was just trying to pick a food that would be considered masculine. I
was guessing, so I may be way wrong.

The first time I read this, I got confused by the lack of hot water.
Then I remembered the premise.  Still, as the beginning of a new
installment, it wouldn't hurt to make a quick reference back to the
nature of the wishes.

OK, that sounds like a good idea.

Actually, would the MANLY son that Nodoka wished were there really
hide under the table?  ;)

Yep. Even real manly men are averse to death. :-)

	"Oh dear." Ranma's mother pointed to his shoulder. There was a
big, sticky stain on the front of his shirt where Akane had poured the
soda. "Oh dear. Ranko, please let me buy you a new outfit after lunch."

"Let me get that out.  We just need a little hot water..."

Heh heh heh. I may use this one....

suggest:  Having finished lunch,
(It started to sound like you were talking about another lunch, one
table over.  I was waiting for Genma and two others to pop out...)

OK, will change.

[...]

	"Go away, Kuno, ya jerk!" Ranma spat.

suggest you delete "Kuno" or "ya jerk"
(I've never heard anyone speak that way.)

Hmmm... doesn't sound that odd to me, but I'll consider changing it.

	Ranma glanced at his mother's sword and imagined it cutting
through his neck. He hoped he hadn't just screwed up big time.

Let's not forget the tanto cutting through your intestines!

Yeah, that. :)

	Akane receded into the distance. Hikaru Gosunkugi stood watching
her, hypnotized by the beauty of her form and the grace of her
movements. His eyes were riveted to her image, unable to move until she
turned a corner and was out of sight, leaving behind one slightly
disheveled kendoist.

suggest:  Akane walked off into
(Receded is more often used to refer to... airborne characters.)

OK.

	The changing room was an elevator-sized cubicle.  Three of its
walls were cloth curtains, and a mirror hung on the fourth.

In the adjacent room, Kodachi faced her enemy...  (ahem)

Remember, it's not plagerism when you steal from yourself. :)

Three cloth walls?  Wouldn't it be two walls and a cloth partition,
if not two walls and a door?

You're probably right.

Pop follow through on that promise. She seemed way too nice for that.
How would she react if she knew that he was a genie? She certainly
didn't seem to be the greedy type like Nabiki.

suggest:  greedy type, like Nabiki.

Will think about this one.

	"Why?" he repeated. The hat wobbled back and forth a bit on his
female body's small head.

It seems to me that a large hat would just cover a small head.
Unless it's wobbling on the horns?

You're probably right. It wouldn't be *that* large.

	"Why did you put on that hat? It doesn't go with your dress, and
it's too large a size for your head anyway."

suggest:  too large for
("Size" is extraneous.)

SIze has nothing to do with... *ahem* OK, will change. :)

	"Well, actually, it's because... it's a new fashion. A *very* new
fashion. Just started actually, which is why you don't see a whole lot
of people wearing too-large hats. Yet."

suggest:  oversized hats

Yeah, that does sound better.

	*I'm dead,* Ranma thought as he stared at his image in the
bathroom mirror. The horns on his head marked him as a dead man. Woman.
Whatever. As soon as his mother saw them, she'd kill him for being an
oni. He wanted to scream. Couldn't he *ever* catch a break?

I would have figured him to be more reluctant to dash into the
women's bathroom.  He hasn't been cursed very long at this point,
right?

True, but it's a moment of extreme panic. Maybe I'll stick in something
in the next scene like an 'Oh my god, I'm in the girls' room!'

	"Let me try it," the other girl said. "I wish you... were horny."
A storm of giggles erupted.

After a moment of panic to make sure he didn't look like some
creation out of Beetlejuice, further panic settled onto Ranma as
he realized that the story might be turning into a lemon.

"Crap, and I can even grant people's fantasies!"

He he he!

Now you see why I asked if the horns were standard issue.  'Cause those
balls shouldn't just be "further back," as Nabiki puts it.  They're on
the wrong side of her head!

But they're on BOTH sides... *ahem* Okay, I see what you mean. Will
amend Nabsy's line here.

	"Huh? I didn't retouch them. I used an instant camera." Hikaru
looked closely at the picture; it appeared that Ranko had horns on her
head. Strangely, they weren't there in the other shots.

suggest:  none were visible in the other shots.
or:  she didn't seem to have any in the other shots.

Will consider.

	"This is most unusual." Kuno stared ponderously at the floor,
then looked up. "The beauteous Ranko, it seems, has fallen victim to
foul enchantment of some sort. I, the Blue Thunder, shall rescue her
and smite whatever villain has subjected her to this fate! But first
the nature and source of the evil must be determined."

She's just horny, Kuno.  Now go ask her on a date!

Hey, he took your advice!

Beset by horns?
I don't think that word means what you think it means...
(Harass or attack from all sides)

Wonder what I was thinking. :) Will change.

	"According to the information I have uncovered, it seems the
comely Ranko is possessed by a spirit known as an oni. Though it will
pain me to do so, I shall free her by striking her on the head. She
shall then no doubt be so grateful that she will immediately demand to
date with me." He eyed Hikaru with an expression of superiority.
"Perhaps now you are able to appreciate the value of a reliable source
of information."

I guess this exchange was supposed to be funny, but I personally don't
buy into the characterization of Nabiki as some sort of information
broker, or a person whom everyone owes debts.  [shrug]  It was clever,
though.

I suppose it is kind of fanfic cliche, yeah.

Just to make it clear, I don't *want* you to make this lemon (or even
lime), but I think you should play up the horniness wish.  As it is,
it's just a minor nuisance to Ranma.  It seems to me that Ranma should
be completely high-strung.

Actually, I didn't even want that wish in the story at all; but it just
seemed like it was inevitable in that scene. I'll try to think of some
way to play it up, but I don't wanna take it too far.

	Ranma booted Kuno down the street and walked away.

Hmm.  This joke might have worked better if we hadn't just heard him
complain that he wanted to fight a rampaging martial artists.  Maybe
Kuno doesn't fit the bill, but at least Ranma could drag it out, or
use it as an opportunity to get away from the shopping district.

I'll think about taking out the thing about him wanting a fight.

	"Of course not! I just...." Ranma stepped past her towards his
room's door, not bothering to finish what would be a lame excuse. He
knew that he was never going to hear the end of this now. *Cute little
Sailor Ranma. The toughest martial artist ever to wear a dress in
Japan.* Whatever. At the moment, all he wanted was to change his
clothes and undo all the wishes that had been inflicted on him.

suggest:  inflicted upon him.

Okay.

	"All right, already," she said as she opened the door to her
bedroom. "I wish you were back the way you were earlier." Ranma glanced
to the side and saw his usual pigtail. "There. Happy now?"

	He just snorted as he pushed quickly past, tromping down the
stairs.

This innocuous little commment needs to be made a little more ominous.
I was trying to figure out when the horns came back, thinking it had
something to do with the hairstyle wish.  I completely missed this,
and you didn't reference it later.

I'll see what I can do here.

	Kasumi turned towards him, and her eyes widened into a puzzled
stare. "What's that on your head?"

suggest:  What are those
(Unless he's got Ten's single horn, now.)

Right.

	"This? This is a pot, Kasumi. Normally used for cooking, it also
serves a useful function in the area of martial arts training."

	"Goodness, I didn't know that!" She sounded genuinely surprised.

Inwardly, however, she frowned.  How much does Ranma know?

Heh. Ukyo is no match for Kasumi when it comes to martial arts cooking!

	"Ranko," Ranma's mother said, "what are you--"

You know, you call her "Ranma's mother" seven times, "his mother"
twenty-five times, and "Mrs. Saotome" eight times.  What happened
to her first name?  (Zero times)

This is a narrative POV thing. The narration from Ranma's viewpoint
refers to her as his mother because that's a natural way for him to
think of her. In my experience, very few people will refer to their
parents by first names.

In general, while I do like variety in narrative, I tend to be cautious
about it when I'm using references to the characters. I've seen a fair
number of stories where the writer throws out about sixteen different
names and references, and the reader has to figure out which of them
correspond to the same people. While I realize this isn't as big a
problem in fanfics where readers are supposed to already know about the
characters, I'd still rather err on the side of caution and favor
clarity over variety.

	"That's right, Kasumi." Ranma moved, trying to remember where the
exit was, as the pot blocked his eyes. "You see, one never knows
whether an opponent will place a pot on one's head during combat.
Therefore, one must practice fighting with a pot on the head in order
to cover that eventuality."

suggest:  to prepare for that eventuality."

That works.

	"How interesting," Kasumi said. "But don't you want the rest of
your lemonade?"

I must not let him learn to counter my pot-fu!

Won't matter... Kasumi still has the meat cleaver.

	"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I was going to cook tonight's rice in
that."

Don't they have a special rice-cooker?  I know they have an electric
gizmo that she serves it out of, anyway.

Dunno. Maybe it's on loan to someone else. :)

Not that I want to set you up for the obvious joke, but...
"Which rang like a gong?  The pot or Kuno's head?"

Um... both?

"As a noble samurai, I can resist your temptations.  In fact, it
it part of my coming-of-age ceremony that I *prove* I am immune
to your delectable charms.  So I must insist!  Tempt me!"

"Can't I have just a *little* peril?"

suggest:  "One wish?"
(The deal was for wishes, not for time trapped as genie.
This doesn't bode well for Ranma...)

Well, as far as Ranma's concerned, Nabsy can make wishes any time she
wants to and he can't stop her. What she needs from him is to stay in
curse form so the wish will persist.

	Before Ranma could react, Kuno's bokken smacked him in the head.
At the same time, Nabiki whispered in his ear. "I wish your horns would
disappear."

Great, now he's probably got horns, they're just invisible.  >;)

Well, that's an improvement, at least. ^_^

	"Victory is mine!" Kuno raised his stick triumphantly. "I,
Tatewaki Kuno, have cast out the malevolent spirit which had possessed
the beauteous Ranko!"

suggest deleting the "had"

Will consider.

	"She was possessed?!" Ranma's mother gaped with astonishment. "I
never realized...."

"Of course!  The hat!  And the pot!  Ranko would never do anything
so *stupid* as that!"

"HEY! Who ya callin' stupid?!"

	"Ranko Tendo, be not angry," Kuno said. "I struck you only to
free you from the demon that had taken you over."

I really think you need to vary Kuno's speech a bit.  "Ranko Tendo"
is getting old pretty fast.  Moreso than "Pig-Tailed Girl," anyway.
A few "My Love"s, or "Beloved"s would do.

OK, I'll change some of these.

A pretty good episode.  I'm a little worried about the excessive use
of "Ranko Tendo" and "Ranma's Mother."  Unless for some reason, this
woman is not Nodoka, I've really got to wonder why her first name
doesn't appear *anywhere* in the fic!

See above.

I liked the oni theme, and look forward to seeing more of how Ranma
deals with his mother.  (Less interesting for me is how he deals with
Nabiki.)

He'll have to deal with both of those, and more, in what's coming up. :)

Thanks for the comments!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html