C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

I DREAM OF RANMA

Ranma 1/2 Manga Fanfiction

suggest: A Ranma 1/2

by Gary Kleppe

	The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way.


Episode 3:
On the Horns of a Dilemma

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
You're going to hell for your puns, bub.  ;)

[...]

	Akane handed her copy of the menu to the waitress. "I'll have the
beefbowl."

	"Figures a tomboy like you would order something like that,
Akane," Ranma teased.

I'm missing some sort of cultural reference here, I'm sure.

[...]

	"Did I tell you that I haven't seen him since he was a baby? That
it's been more than ten years?"

	"Yes, you did," Ranma said.	Several times, actually.

"Oh.  Have I shown you my photo albums?"

"..."

	"I'm so sorry." Pulling out a handkerchief, she wiped a single
tear from her eye. "It seems as if I can't stop asking about Ranma.
It's just that... I miss him so much. Oh, how I wish my manly son were
here!"

	Ranma, instantly male, dove quickly under the table.

The first time I read this, I got confused by the lack of hot water.
Then I remembered the premise.  Still, as the beginning of a new
installment, it wouldn't hurt to make a quick reference back to the
nature of the wishes.

Actually, would the MANLY son that Nodoka wished were there really
hide under the table?  ;)

	"Er... you see, Mrs. Saotome...." Ranma fumbled for something to
say. "I wear special contact lenses. When I lose one of them, it's
*other people* who can't see *me* very well." Akane rolled her eyes.
Okay, so it wasn't a very good excuse; but it was the best he could
think of.

"..."

	"Oh dear." Ranma's mother pointed to his shoulder. There was a
big, sticky stain on the front of his shirt where Akane had poured the
soda. "Oh dear. Ranko, please let me buy you a new outfit after lunch."

"Let me get that out.  We just need a little hot water..."

	"Why, Mrs. Saotome, you don't have to...." Ranma looked into her
eyes, and realized she wasn't about to take no for an answer. This, he
supposed, was part of what it meant to have a mother.

That, and having to clean your room.  :)

[...]

	Lunch over, the three people stepped out of the restaurant onto
the sidewalk.

suggest:  Having finished lunch,
(It started to sound like you were talking about another lunch, one
table over.  I was waiting for Genma and two others to pop out...)

[...]

	"Go away, Kuno, ya jerk!" Ranma spat.

suggest you delete "Kuno" or "ya jerk"
(I've never heard anyone speak that way.)

[...]

	"Ranko, it isn't proper for a young lady to brawl."

Genma appeared out of norwhere.  "It isn't brawling, it's art!"

"Dear?"  Ranma's mother rubbed her eyes with disbelief.  When
she opened them again...

"Bowf!"  The creature flipped over a sign: I'm just a Panda!

[...]

	Ranma glanced at his mother's sword and imagined it cutting
through his neck. He hoped he hadn't just screwed up big time.

Let's not forget the tanto cutting through your intestines!

[...]

	Akane receded into the distance. Hikaru Gosunkugi stood watching
her, hypnotized by the beauty of her form and the grace of her
movements. His eyes were riveted to her image, unable to move until she
turned a corner and was out of sight, leaving behind one slightly
disheveled kendoist.

suggest:  Akane walked off into
(Receded is more often used to refer to... airborne characters.)

[...]

	"Hmmm...." Kuno's eyes narrowed. "Very well. How much time will
it take you to accomplish this?"

	Hikaru thought for a moment about how long he'd been collecting
information on Akane. "Um... five years?"

	Suddenly, he found himself flying through the air, courtesy of
Kuno's bokken. "I expect to see results this afternoon!" the kendoist
called at him.

"Captain, it'll take two hours to repair the dilithium crystals."

"You've got five minutes."

"Uh, I said two hours."

"Very well then, ten minutes, but make it snappy."

"Sir, It's *not physically possible*..."

[...]

	The changing room was an elevator-sized cubicle.  Three of its
walls were cloth curtains, and a mirror hung on the fourth.

In the adjacent room, Kodachi faced her enemy...  (ahem)

Three cloth walls?  Wouldn't it be two walls and a cloth partition,
if not two walls and a door?

[...]

	"Does it fit?" his mother called from the other side of the
changing room curtain.

	"Yeah." It was a little loose, actually, but that was definitely
better than too tight.

	"Would it be all right for me to come in and see?"

Yep.  She's a mom, alright.  :)

[...]

	He followed his mother out of the changing stall. She handed some
money to the clerk, and got a paper receipt in return. He was beginning
to seriously doubt whether she was really serious about making him and
Pop follow through on that promise. She seemed way too nice for that.
How would she react if she knew that he was a genie? She certainly
didn't seem to be the greedy type like Nabiki.

suggest:  greedy type, like Nabiki.

[...]

	Ranma laughed nervously. "I, um, don't suppose there's any way
you can tell one of those things when you see one?"

	"I'm afraid not, dear. I only wish an oni had some sort of
distinctive feature that could be seen, but it's not that simple."

Oh, dear...

	Ranma felt a pricking on each side of his forehead. He watched
his reflection as a pair of horns, each about the size of his little
finger, poked out from under his hair.

I'm assuming these are Takahashi standard-issue horns?

[...]

	"Ranko?" She stared at him as if he'd gone crazy. "Why did you
just put on that hat?"

	"Why?" he repeated. The hat wobbled back and forth a bit on his
female body's small head.

It seems to me that a large hat would just cover a small head.
Unless it's wobbling on the horns?

[...]

	"Why did you put on that hat? It doesn't go with your dress, and
it's too large a size for your head anyway."

suggest:  too large for
("Size" is extraneous.)

	"Oh! You're asking why I have a hat on my head. Right?"

	"Yes, I am, Ranko." Her impatient glare told Ranma that he had
just run out of stall time.

Good thing Ranma doesn't have a middle name that Nodoka knows, or
she could use the inescapable full-name-immobilizing technique.
"Ranko J. Tendo, you answer me this minute!"

Actually, I wonder how Japanese parents do it...

	"Well, actually, it's because... it's a new fashion. A *very* new
fashion. Just started actually, which is why you don't see a whole lot
of people wearing too-large hats. Yet."

suggest:  oversized hats

[...]

	*I'm dead,* Ranma thought as he stared at his image in the
bathroom mirror. The horns on his head marked him as a dead man. Woman.
Whatever. As soon as his mother saw them, she'd kill him for being an
oni. He wanted to scream. Couldn't he *ever* catch a break?

I would have figured him to be more reluctant to dash into the
women's bathroom.  He hasn't been cursed very long at this point,
right?

[...]

	"Hey, you wanna see a neat trick?" Ranma said to the girls. "I
can make these things disappear."

	The one in the dress rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah?"

	"Yeah. All you have to do is say, 'I wish you didn't have
horns.'"

	The T-shirt-wearing girl giggled. "I wish I didn't have horns."

	"No! Say that you wish *I* didn't have horns!"

	"You wish I didn't have horns." Both girls laughed.

	"ARG!" Ranma took a breath to avoid blowing up. He had to keep
his cool if this was goign to work. "Look, if you don't cooperate, I'm
not going to show you the trick."

sp:  going

An admirable, if ultimately failed effort.  ;)

	"We don't care," the one in the dress said snottily, an impish
smile on her face.

Ah, sweet children...

	"Let me try it," the other girl said. "I wish you... were horny."
A storm of giggles erupted.

After a moment of panic to make sure he didn't look like some
creation out of Beetlejuice, further panic settled onto Ranma as
he realized that the story might be turning into a lemon.

"Crap, and I can even grant people's fantasies!"

A well-dressed man approached, and in a dashing voice
told her, "Darling, you simply MUST come to my island."

Of course, he was accosted by the indignant women in the ladies' room.

"You task me, women!  You task me!"

O-kay.  Enough pop-culture references...  ^_^;

[...]

	"Do you like it?" Ranma pointed at his hair, which was now rolled
up into balls that covered up the horns. "It's the Sailor Moon look!"

Now you see why I asked if the horns were standard issue.  'Cause those
balls shouldn't just be "further back," as Nabiki puts it.  They're on
the wrong side of her head!

[...]

	"Huh? I didn't retouch them. I used an instant camera." Hikaru
looked closely at the picture; it appeared that Ranko had horns on her
head. Strangely, they weren't there in the other shots.

suggest:  none were visible in the other shots.
or:  she didn't seem to have any in the other shots.

	"This is most unusual." Kuno stared ponderously at the floor,
then looked up. "The beauteous Ranko, it seems, has fallen victim to
foul enchantment of some sort. I, the Blue Thunder, shall rescue her
and smite whatever villain has subjected her to this fate! But first
the nature and source of the evil must be determined."

She's just horny, Kuno.  Now go ask her on a date!

[...]

	"Greetings," he said into the phone. "I seek information of a
particular nature." He paused to listen. "Yes, I am prepared to offer
your usual fee." Another pause. "Recently, an innocent young woman has
been beset by a pair of horns on her head. I wish to know what sort of
affliction would cause this, and what might cure it. Yes, I shall
hold."

Beset by horns?
I don't think that word means what you think it means...
(Harass or attack from all sides)

[...]

	"According to the information I have uncovered, it seems the
comely Ranko is possessed by a spirit known as an oni. Though it will
pain me to do so, I shall free her by striking her on the head. She
shall then no doubt be so grateful that she will immediately demand to
date with me." He eyed Hikaru with an expression of superiority.
"Perhaps now you are able to appreciate the value of a reliable source
of information."

I guess this exchange was supposed to be funny, but I personally don't
buy into the characterization of Nabiki as some sort of information
broker, or a person whom everyone owes debts.  [shrug]  It was clever,
though.

[...]

	Worse yet, he'd had to look away from all of the female sales
clerks, because of the thoughts that stupid wish kept putting in his
head. He tried keeping his mind on other things, but that didn't help.
Even running through martial arts attacks in his mind only made him
think of ways they could be adapted for other purposes.

Just to make it clear, I don't *want* you to make this lemon (or even
lime), but I think you should play up the horniness wish.  As it is,
it's just a minor nuisance to Ranma.  It seems to me that Ranma should
be completely high-strung.

[...]

	Ranma spotted Kuno and bounded into the air towards him,
intending to clamp his mouth shut before he could manage to say 'Ranko,
I wish to date with you.' At least, Ranma noted, Kuno had learned his
name, or rather his alias.

suggest deleting the "Ranko"

[...]

	"Forgive me, Ranko Tendo, but I do what I must!" Kuno raised his
bokken for a second strike.

suggest: Forgive me, my Love,
(You've repeated Ranko and Ranko Tendo quite a few times, already.)

	For a moment Ranma stopped to think. His usual response to Kuno
was to boot him down the street and walk away. But Kuno was acting
different now. Instead of making advances on his 'pig-tailed girl,' he
was getting violent. This was a totally different situation.

	Ranma booted Kuno down the street and walked away.

Hmm.  This joke might have worked better if we hadn't just heard him
complain that he wanted to fight a rampaging martial artists.  Maybe
Kuno doesn't fit the bill, but at least Ranma could drag it out, or
use it as an opportunity to get away from the shopping district.

[...]

	He bounded up the stairs, arriving at the top just as Nabiki came
out of her room. Her t-shirt and shorts hugged her shapely body
tightly; it took all of Ranma's will-power not to stare.

cap:  T-shirt
or: tee shirt

	"Of course not! I just...." Ranma stepped past her towards his
room's door, not bothering to finish what would be a lame excuse. He
knew that he was never going to hear the end of this now. *Cute little
Sailor Ranma. The toughest martial artist ever to wear a dress in
Japan.* Whatever. At the moment, all he wanted was to change his
clothes and undo all the wishes that had been inflicted on him.

suggest:  inflicted upon him.

	"No longer than a day per wish," she answered without missing any
time, "unless we agree to a longer time beforehand. How's that sound?"

	"Forget it." He didn't know what her game was, but she had
obviously thought it out in detail. The only safe thing for him to do
was not to play. "I'll just go use hot water."

I'm glad he didn't agree to this.  In all too many fanfics Ranma
accepts Nabiki's help for things he could do by himself.

[...]

	"All right, already," she said as she opened the door to her
bedroom. "I wish you were back the way you were earlier." Ranma glanced
to the side and saw his usual pigtail. "There. Happy now?"

	He just snorted as he pushed quickly past, tromping down the
stairs.

This innocuous little commment needs to be made a little more ominous.
I was trying to figure out when the horns came back, thinking it had
something to do with the hairstyle wish.  I completely missed this,
and you didn't reference it later.

[...]

	Kasumi turned towards him, and her eyes widened into a puzzled
stare. "What's that on your head?"

suggest:  What are those
(Unless he's got Ten's single horn, now.)

[...]

	"This? This is a pot, Kasumi. Normally used for cooking, it also
serves a useful function in the area of martial arts training."

	"Goodness, I didn't know that!" She sounded genuinely surprised.

Inwardly, however, she frowned.  How much does Ranma know?

	"Ranko," Ranma's mother said, "what are you--"

You know, you call her "Ranma's mother" seven times, "his mother"
twenty-five times, and "Mrs. Saotome" eight times.  What happened
to her first name?  (Zero times)

	"That's right, Kasumi." Ranma moved, trying to remember where the
exit was, as the pot blocked his eyes. "You see, one never knows
whether an opponent will place a pot on one's head during combat.
Therefore, one must practice fighting with a pot on the head in order
to cover that eventuality."

suggest:  to prepare for that eventuality."

	"How interesting," Kasumi said. "But don't you want the rest of
your lemonade?"

I must not let him learn to counter my pot-fu!

	"No time! A martial artist's training is never finished!" Ranma
collided with a wall. He reached out with his hands and found the
doorway to the living room.

You know, they say sons grow to be their fathers.  Sounds like Ranma's
well on his way.  ;)

	"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I was going to cook tonight's rice in
that."

Don't they have a special rice-cooker?  I know they have an electric
gizmo that she serves it out of, anyway.

[...]

	The shrill whistle of bokken slicing through air alerted him, and
he jumped aside. "Not again! Just go away, you jerk!" He punctuated his
sentence by taking the pot from his head and banging it into Kuno's; it
rang like a gong.

Not that I want to set you up for the obvious joke, but...
"Which rang like a gong?  The pot or Kuno's head?"

[...]

	"That's how you express your affection?" Ranma had heard about
people like that, who were into... what did they call it? Bandage? M
and S? "You sicko!"

I think Ukyo's into bandage...

[...]

	"Get it?" He advanced, bending his head down so Kuno would be
looking right at the horns. "I'm one of those evil spirits who assume
human form in order to lead people into temptation and stuff."

Mmm.  Temptation.

"As a noble samurai, I can resist your temptations.  In fact, it
it part of my coming-of-age ceremony that I *prove* I am immune
to your delectable charms.  So I must insist!  Tempt me!"

[...]

	Ranma sighed. "One day?" he whispered. Nabiki nodded, and he
nodded back.

suggest:  "One wish?"
(The deal was for wishes, not for time trapped as genie.
This doesn't bode well for Ranma...)

[...]

	Before Ranma could react, Kuno's bokken smacked him in the head.
At the same time, Nabiki whispered in his ear. "I wish your horns would
disappear."

Great, now he's probably got horns, they're just invisible.  >;)

	"Victory is mine!" Kuno raised his stick triumphantly. "I,
Tatewaki Kuno, have cast out the malevolent spirit which had possessed
the beauteous Ranko!"

suggest deleting the "had"

	"She was possessed?!" Ranma's mother gaped with astonishment. "I
never realized...."

"Of course!  The hat!  And the pot!  Ranko would never do anything
so *stupid* as that!"

[twitch]

	"Ranko Tendo, be not angry," Kuno said. "I struck you only to
free you from the demon that had taken you over."

I really think you need to vary Kuno's speech a bit.  "Ranko Tendo"
is getting old pretty fast.  Moreso than "Pig-Tailed Girl," anyway.
A few "My Love"s, or "Beloved"s would do.



A pretty good episode.  I'm a little worried about the excessive use
of "Ranko Tendo" and "Ranma's Mother."  Unless for some reason, this
woman is not Nodoka, I've really got to wonder why her first name
doesn't appear *anywhere* in the fic!

I liked the oni theme, and look forward to seeing more of how Ranma
deals with his mother.  (Less interesting for me is how he deals with
Nabiki.)


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"