On Sat, 26 Jun 1999, David A. Tatum wrote:

Well, contrary to what some people seem to think, this fanfic is NOT dead. 
It is very much alive.  But because of rumours that it was, I decided to
write this (short) chapter for people to enjoy.

Really?  That has interesting implications.

(Hey guys!  I think that David's going to cancel Fury #3!  Pass the rumor
along to everyone else!) 

Though you mentioned in the prolouge of Chapter 1 that you were using the
events from the Tylor Movie, perhaps you should reiterate that.  Someone
who decides to just 'give this fic a try' during this chapter is going to
be pretty confused at the number of 'assumptions' you're making, if he's
only seen the series.

In contrast, I usually get five or six pieces of c&c on each Ranma
fanfic or chapter of a fanfic I post... 

Now hold on a sec!  I gave you C&C for Fury #1!

last thought aloud.  "It certainly isn't as important to me as Yuriko and
our baby...."  He wasn't really talking to anyone, himself, but he did want
to hear it spoken aloud again- THEIR baby. 

I would suggest the following:

He wasn't really talking to anyone but himself, but he did...

except that you'd be repeating 'but' twice in the same sentence.  I'm not
sure just how you might want to change this, but it looks funnny this way.

Alive she was, but she certainly wasn't in good shape.  Tylor surveyed her
visible injuries with concern.

How about 'With much concern, Tylor surveyed her visible injuries.'  Not
that I think anyone will really thing that you meant that the injuries
were concerned, but...

Tylor wasn't one to lie- unless he was asked if he was telling the truth. 

^_^

Someone was shaking him gently.  That wasn't right- Yuriko knew the only
real ways to wake him up, and this wasn't one of them.  Why was she trying
to wake him up this way?

"Captain Tylor?" a voice asked.  "Captain Tylor, are you awake?  We have
some news..."

Interesting scene transition here.  I'm not quite sure if I like it, but
I'm pretty sure that I do.

"Desaix, Captain Tylor.  Nicolas Desaix."

*twitch*

I gave myself a cameo appearance in a fanfic, once.  Of course, I was
immediately killed by Ward Cleaver.

Tylor paused for a long moment.  He turned.  "Dr. Desaix, could you please
leave us for a moment?  I have something private to tell her?"

I think the last question mark should be a period.

"But... I want you here!" Yuriko cried.

"I know... I want to be with you, myself.  But it isn't safe... if you were
able to move right now, it would be a different story- I'd still take the
assignment, but I'd bring you with me aboard the ship and keep you safe
there.

She's going to be taken hostage at some point, isn't she.

Mifune nodded.  "I will do it right away, Tylor.  The timetable for
launching the force has been moved up, however, and the ship we were
building for you is not completed.

Er, a ship?  A task force?  Against some terrorists on earth?  What, is
this going to become the Dominion Starship Police?

Tylor nodded.  "That's perfectly okay.  I don't think I'd be in the mood to
command the Soyokaze right now... the Tsunami will be perfectly fine."

Heh.

Fuji, on the other hand, was grinning.  'Everything is going according to
plan.  I knew a hit on his apartment would scare him into accepting the
assignment... too bad about Ms. Star, but it couldn't be helped....'

Oh boy.  So, did he just withhold information, or did he order the attack?

"It's good to see you two again, too," Tylor answered.  "This time, though,
you two will actually have to do some work- at least until Yuriko gets
better, I've gotta be a bit more serious than usual... to make up for her
not being here, of course."

This line struck me as odd, and not something that a person would say. 
IMHO, having them greet Tylor, who responds with a plain "Hello.", and
engages in normal talk without fooling around would get the point across
better. 


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then 
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner, 
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of 
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed.  "Tell me."
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the 
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...