Okay, overall stuff first, since I've had to quote most of the fic in
the detail work. Though the idea has been used quite a bit before, I
think the story has potential and I'd like to see more.

I thought the major characters (Ranma and Akane) were well-handled; less
so for the supporting cast (see detail below). I do think more detail on
some of the characters' internal struggle would enhance the story. We
see Akane come to a decision concerning Ranma but we aren't shown *how*
she comes to that decision.

"Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net> wrote:

I came across a (very short) story awhile back, and it just screamed for me
to write a much bigger version. It's a bit darker than my other fanfictions.
I can't remember where the original story is or who wrote it. Besides, I'm
changing it to fit what I think could happen.

The original story was Susan Doemine's "Poison." I believe it's in the
RAAC archives.

Nabiki frowned, reading over her college applications again. So many
choices, so many pitfalls to avoid. It was getting close to the end of her
senior year, and she wanted to pick just the right university or college.
The one that would put her on the fast track up corporate ladders. She
glanced at the clock, checking to see how much time she had left to get to
the dinner party.
"I've still got some time." Nabiki muttered to herself.

It would help if you'd skip a line between paragraphs or indent by more
than one space (or both).

A dinner party to celebrate the upcoming wedding of her baby sister and
Ranma.

This sentence no verb.

They were actually going to exchange rings of betrothal. Her father
had insisted on a public affair to settle this.

"Affair" might be the wrong word here.... ^_^;;

The was in Soun's eyes the

This was, in Soun's eyes, the

proof that Ranma had dealt with all of his attachments and problems.
After the first wedding attempt, she was sure that it was going to not ever

Clumsy wording. Suggest 'she was sure that it was never going to'

And then the other fiances. Kodachi surprisingly was the easiest one. She
had known that Ranma didn't even like her much. The only reason she hadn't
given up on him was because he was fun to be around. None of Ranma's friends
had ever been afraid of her, and she had considered them to be some of her
best friends. What an odd concept.

That *is* pretty odd....

Ukyou was tough for Ranma. It took almost a week, but he finally convinced
her that he actually wanted to marry Akane. Poor Ukyou had broken down and
cried her heart out. It had taken her another week to finally forgive Ranma
for following his heart. She was still very fragile emotionally.

Hmmm... crying her heart out doesn't seem like her style, but if you say
so....

Shampoo had explained to Ranma that she knew he didn't love her, and was
going to marry Akane. Shampoo had explained to Ranma that by her laws, if
she didn't try to stop Ranma, she would be forever dishonored in her
ancestors eyes and kicked out of her tribe and family.

Again, this is rather dubious, but I suppose I can accept it for the
sake of the story if it's really necessary.

 Ranma and Shampoo had actually talked about Shampoo's problem, and agreed
that the best course was to disable her just before the wedding. Shampoo had
demanded this for her honor. She knew she wasn't capable of taking Ranma in
a fight, but she had to give it her all. She had explained quite thoroughly
that it had to be physically impossible for her to break up the wedding.
Nabiki really hoped that it really wouldn't require Ranma to break that
many bones. Shampoo seemed to insist that it would.

No it wouldn't. Knockout gas is readily available in Nerima. Ranma's
used it on her before. See Ranma 1/2 vol. 8, part 2. 'Sides, her cat
curse makes it easy to restrain her (well, maybe not when Ranma's doing
it.... ^_^;;)

Ranma had promised on
his honor. It would at least help salvage Shampoo's honor enough so that she
could go home. Luckily, Cologne was still in China, resolving some sort of
inter-tribal problem.
Kuno had taken to carrying around the family katana everywhere. He seemed
to be getting desperate. He had tried to kill Ranma at least three times.

Actually trying to kill is a little extreme for Kuno. Besides, getting
desperate would imply that he was cognizant of what was happening. :)

Ranma had taken to watching for the insane kendoist at all times. Luckily,
Kuno still shouted challenges to Ranma before attacking.
No one had seen Ryoga for quite a while. No one was really worried though.
He had seemed to have given up on Akane just before the wedding.
Nabiki sighed as she shoved her papers to the side. It probably had to do
with Akane getting kidnapped and getting taken to Cina. Shampoo changed, and

China.

even Ryoga had changed from that fateful trip. Ever since then, Ranma had
been treating Akane as if she were made of glass or the finest of silk. She
hadn't been able to get a straight answer out of anybody. It was
infuriating.

Akane hadn't, or Nabiki? I'm a bit confused here.

She stood up, and reached for a nice jacket to go with her dress. She was
almost to the door when the phone started to ring. Nabiki debated not
answering it for just a moment. She smiled to herself. She could be
fashionably late.
"Hello, Tendo residence. This is Nabiki Tendo." Nabiki said spryly.

Tendo,"

Nabiki clutched the phone tighter and tighter. Her knuckles were white by
the time Kyto Bakoto finished.
"Thank you for the information Mr. Bakoto. Goodbye." Nabiki said through

Goodbye,"

here. His mom was running a little late. Just more time to eat.
It hadn't occurred to Ranma he'd only taken a single bite of his dinner,
and couldn't tell anyone what it was he was eating. His chop sticks moved
his food around his bowl, never quite stopping.
Akane smiled. Poor Ranma, he was trying so hard. She leaned over to Ranma
and whispered to him, "Your doing fine.

"You're

Just don't mess this up." She

up," she

or better yet

up!" she

finished fiercely. She failed to see his hands start to move the food around
faster.
Akane looked over the rest of the dinner party. Her father, Soun Tendo,
looked as if he were the cat that had bagged the canary. He had a huge smile
covering his face. His face was mirrored by his old friend Genma Saotme,

Saotome

even if he was a huge panda at the moment due to an accident with the
waiter. The waiter had retreated to get some hot water for the unfortunate
panda. Next to them sat a couple of friends from the town council.
Kasumi smiled encouragingly at Akane, and then looked back at her dinner
partner, the oft time missing Dr. Tofu. Kasumi leaned over and whispered to
Dr. Tofu, "Aren't they a cute couple?" She had discovered that holding his
hand seemed to calm him down just a little bit. In all truth, it almost sent
him in catatonia. The wide smile on his face had nothing to do with Akane or
Ranma. He nodded his head maniacally,
Akane was starting to fume. Where were Mrs. Saotme and Nabiki? They

Saotome

couldn't start until all of the family were here. The doors to the room
opened and Nodaka Saotme crept to her position on the low table. She sighed

Nodoka Saotome (What is it about Noddy that makes so many people spell
her name wrong? Her name gets botched far more than any other except for
the Chinese ones.)

as she saw the state her husband was in. Genma started to protest his
innocence with those signs that he used when he was a panda.
"Auntie Nodaka? Did you see Nabiki?

Nodoka

She said she was going to be here."

here,"

Akane asked her future mother in law.
"No, dear. She'll be along shortly." Nodaka smiled. Akane was such a pretty
girl. Ranma was very lucky.
The door slammed open, drawing everyone attention to Nabiki. Nabiki looked
as if she had run a marathon. "STOP. I'm not going to let my sister marry .
. . that . . . person. Father, how could you engage us to an untouchable?
One of those filthy, despicable creatures!."  Nabiki yelled at the top of

Don't double-punctuate. ! by itself is fine.

lungs, quite a breach of etiquette. She even had her shoes on.
Everyone gaped. Soun finally responded tentavely, "Nabiki, what are you
talking about. Please calm down and talk to you father outside."

about?

"No, I am not going to calm down. Genma and Ranma are both untouchables

>from the Dakahoshi side of their family. You're going to destroy Akane's

honor if you force her to marry Ranma. Think of the dojo. Think of our
family name! I can't allow this Father!" Nabiki was  frantic. And loud. No

this, Father!"

I dunno if this reaction is right for Nabby... hard to say, really.

one could fail to hear her in the entire restaurant.
The silence that followed was broken finally the sound of a set of chop
sticks breaking. Ranma bounded to his feat, holding the remains of his chop

feet,

sticks. "W-what are you talking about, Nabiki?" Ranma stuttered. Surprise
covered his face.
"You, you're an untouchable, one of the pariah, outcast. Gods, they've
lived in our house, eaten on the same DISHES. They've touched us. Oh, my
god. I was engaged to you. I almost married one of them. Oh gods." Nabiki

Nabiki was never "almost married" to Ranma. Her taking over the
engagement in vol. 17 was just a scam.

slumped to her knees, clutching her arms to her torso.
Everyone surged to their feet. Ranma grabbed father by his fur. "Pop, is
what she saying true?" He shouted in Genma's face. Strangely, he didn't
pulled out any signs to state his innocence.

pull

Kasumi reached Nabiki and started to hug the girl. Nabiki started to cry,
muttering under her breath. She seemed to be in a state of shock.
Nodaka and Soun stared at each other, trying to figure out how to fix the

Nodoka

situation.
Akane just stared ahead. She couldn't believe it. She didn't understand it.
She was happy. She was going to get married. How could it have all gone all
wrong again? Akane burst out crying, and rushed out of the room. Ranma
stopped yelling at his father, and took a few steps toward the doors when a
burly man stood in the way.
"Don't do anything rash boy. You've done enough damage to her honor. Leave

rash, boy.

her alone!" the council man said, stopping Ranma cold.

What the heck business is it of his? Councilman is usually one word,
BTW.

"You don't understand. It's gotta be a mistake. It has to be!" Ranma
shouted right back at him. He tried to move around the man.
"Really boy? Ask your father!" Hotan said, moving into Ranma's way.

"Really, boy?

Sasuke listened with wide open eyes. He was tucked away in a tight crawl
space underneath the restaurant. His master would be quite pleased. And with
that he struggled to crawl his stunted form out of the crawl ways.

If this fic is manga based (as you've said by the title) then there
shouldn't be a Sasuke. You might be able to use Gosunkugi in his part.
Or just write him out; he doesn't look to be essential here.

Sasuke didn't even notice the small cat with purple socks sitting there.
Shampoo was confused. Her Japanese language skills were pretty good these
days, but she just didn't understand the why. The kitten scrunched her eyes

She isn't the only one who's confused. What does the why refer to? Why
what?

closed, and tried to think of who she could ask. Her cat eyes opened wide.
Of course, the one who helped her when it looked like Akane was winning.
Ukyou.
Shampoo scampered along. Maybe she still had a chance to win her loves

love's

heart. After all it must be a stupid Japanese thing.
-
Ranma walked, uncaring of the night lights that came on the mostly empty
streets. One foot , and then another he moved. Each weighed heavily as if
laden down with lead. Off in the distance, the shushing sound of a light
rain grew in volume. Soon it engulfed Ranma, embracing him in coldness. He
continued to walk, head down until he saw her.
His most hateful nemesis. She stared at him from the puddle he was about to
cross. Her hair was plastered to head, in spiteful dark red tangles. Her

to her head, or to his head

eyes were puffy, as if she had been crying. Another weakness to prove that
he wasn't a real man. Just a mockery, a coward and a knave. Just as everyone
said. He had denied it because of what he was going to become.

It's best to have a fixed policy on pronouns for female Ranma. Either he
or she works, but don't switch between them unless it's because of a POV
shift.

The red head in front of him bared her teeth in a rictus of hate. Eyes
wild, Ranma drew upon the negative emotions in her, and clenched them in her
fist. A fist that could normally shatter concrete impacted into the ground
with all of her ki. The ground exploded with the force of his strike.
Buildings for a half block lost their windows as gravel traveling at bullet
speeds hit them.  Burglar alarms started to go off.
In a few minutes, the policemen that showed up were treated to a strange
sight of a young foreign girl, kneeling in a crater twenty feet across that

Um... "foriegn girl?" Ranma's female form is either Japanese or Chinese
(depending on how you think the curses work), and has never been noted
as looking different than an ordinary Japanese. (Even if you believe in
the anime hair colors, none of the characters have ever noticed them.)

was slowly filling up with rain. She had obviously been hurt somehow. She
was bleeding from small cuts in her slacks and button up shirt. The sirens
of their car seemed to draw her out of her trance a bit.
"Kaji, let me handle this. She's probably been molested or attacked. Stay
near the car, and call for an ambulance." The first officer spoke to his
partner. They both stepped out into the rain. Tando raised his hands and
started to walk towards the young girl. He started to make soothing sounds.
He stopped when the young girl's head snapped up, glaring at him. "Leave me
alone." she whispered. Tando barely heard her.

alone,"

"Now, now. Don't worry. We're here to help you, miss." Tando said, in a

miss,"

calming voice. It should have worked, and probably would have, except he
said, 'miss'.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Ranma screamed. Jumping to her feat, hands clapped in

feet,

front of her. A red glow started to emanate from her. "I JUST WANTED TO BE
LEFT ALONE!" A ball of red energy grew between her hands, expanding to
frightening proportions. Luckily for the officers, they weren't the target
of her ire. As if cupping her hands to catch a basketball, Ranma released
her blast at the police car that still had it's emergency lights on. The

its

results were terrifying to say the least.
The car disintegrated, and then exploded as the gasoline inside of it
became superheated. The building behind the car was struck at its base. The
small store seemed to light up, and then exploded. The two officers had both
hit the dirt, staring fearfully at the small girl.
"I just wanted to be left alone." Ranma whispered so low the rain almost

alone,"

drowned it out. She started to run down the street, and then leaped over a s
mall business. From there she started to jump from roof to roof.

a small

Home hadn't been a refuge this time. Dr. Tofu had finally had to knock out
Nabiki. Kasumi had retreated into her shell of blissful ignorance. And
Father, he had gone to sit in front of the shrine in the dojo. He hadn't
moved in hours.
Akane had gone to her bedroom immediately. Neither Ranma or his father had

Ranma nor his

come home. Akane had waited for Ranma to come to her window, and tell her it
was all fixed, that Nabiki had been mistaken. He had never come back. He
couldn't come anymore.
Akane had a lot of time to think, since she had gotten home. The rain that
had pounded on the roof had a strange calming affect. It was all ruined. No
one would want to be her friend anymore.

Except for most of the male population of Furinkan... but I can
understand why Akane would feel this way even if she's dead wrong.

"Well, to be truthful, he was just an excuse to come visit at such a late
hour. We've been looking for a red haired girl. She was seen running from
the police after damaging several business and a police car. We were hoping
that you might know where she is." The officer said, tipping his hat. He

is," the

continued, "If you see her, keep back. She's seem to be distraught, and is

She seems to

considered to be armed and dangerous. Cal the police immediately. We'll
handle her."
Akane just stared. Ranma was upset? Distraught? She closed the door
mechanically behind the officers, leaving the panda outside. She slumped up
against the door. She jumped at the new voice. "Akane? Are you all right?"
Kasumi said from the stairs.
"No, Kasumi, I'm not all right. I just found out I've been lied to and led
by my nose. The man I thought I loved isn't who I thought he was." Akane

was," Akane

said with a bit of anger, and then started to cry.
"Oh, Akane. I don't think Ranma lied to you. I don't think anyone told him.
He seemed to be pretty upset when he left the restaurant." Kasumi cradled
her younger sister, hugging her fiercely.
"Then why hasn't he come home? I need him Kasumi, and I can't have him.
It'll destroy father. All of his dreams were of me and Ranma taking over the
dojo, and continuing the school. And it's all gone. Ranma can't marry me,
and no one will want to marry me." Akane sobbed into her sisters shoulder.

sister's

"I can't even carry on the school by myself. I've failed the family."
"Shush now, Akane. You need to follow your heart. It'll lead you to the
right path. If your true to yourself, you can't go wrong." Kasumi soothed
her youngest sister. It seemed that she was again forced to be the mother
that Akane needed. Kasumi clutched the small cross in her hand, trying to
gain a bit more strength from it.
Kasumi held onto Akane until she quit crying. "Thanks Kasumi. I'm alright

"Thanks, Kasumi.

now. I'm going to go and take a bath before going to bed." Akane said,

bed,"

"Kasumi told me that you didn't know, Ranma. And I don't think I could live
without you. Don't leave me Ranma. Please don't leave me." Akane said

me,"

fervently, dropping Ranma's backpack, and clutching the smaller girl.
A great weight lifted off of Ranma for just a moment. "But Akane, we can't
get married. It would ruin your family. Think of the dojo!" Ranma said,
returning the hug just as desperately.
"I know, but I can't live without you Ranma. Jusendo proved that." Akane

that,"

whispered fiercely.
"So what are we going to do? If we stay, you'll be treated like dirt by
everyone you know, and you won't be able to get married. You won't be able
to inherit the dojo or the school." Ranma said into Akane's shoulder.

school,"

"You're more important than the dojo Ranma. We can leave, and go somewhere

dojo, Ranma.

else. Start new. Go someplace where they don't care about who you were, just
who you are." Akane sniffled as she finished.
"But Akane, what about your family?" Ranma said quietly.
"I can't help them if I stay Ranma. But if I disappear, it can be ignored,

stay, Ranma.

and then forgotten. Maybe someday we can come home. But it won't be home
without you." Akane replied. She took a deep breath. "I love you, Ranma.

you,"

Don't ever leave me."
"I love you too, Akane. And I promise I won't ever leave you." Ranma said
with a bit more enthusiasm. "Let's get out of here." Ranma took her
backpack, and hefted it easily. She took Akane's hands, and then headed down
the road, heading to the south east.

southeast is usually written as one word.

"So where are we going?" Akane asked.
"I don't know. I figure we'll find a ship going far away and stow aboard.
Go some place where they don't know who we are." Ranma said.

are,"


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html