First of all, thanks to everyone for their great input and 
encouragement on the first draft.  ^_^  I hope that this version is a 
bit more polished, but since I've done a bit of revising, more typos 
may have cropped up and slipped by me, like they usually do.  ^^;

Also, it was noted by a few veteran RK fans that my intentionally vague 
referrence to the moment when Kenshin took his oath not to kill was 
apparently not vague enough, and not even close to being accurate.  ^^; 
 They also took care not to spoil it for me -- not realizing, of 
course, that I love spoilers.  (They only make me more ravenous to see 
the real thing.  ^_^)  Consequently, I did a bit of in-depth research 
and discovered the truth myself.  So now that I'm a bit more 
up-to-date, I've tweaked the story a bit.  The referrence to Kenshin's 
defining moment is still vague, so as not to spoil it for those who 
don't know yet and like to keep it that way until they can see it for 
themselves (unlike me ^_^), but hopefully it will now reflect the true 
storyline a bit more accurately.  If not, I can only continue to claim 
newbie ignorance.  (Hey, I've only been an RK fan for about a week 
now.)  But don't worry, I intend to rectify my newbie ignorance as 
completely and as soon as possible.  ^_^


C&C, as always, is both craved and appreciated.  :-)

Chrysalis
A Rurouni Kenshin Shortfic
by Krista Perry



~*~

	It's hard to wake up and realize that you are a cold-blooded 
murderer.

	Cold-blooded.  That's the way it has to be, when you kill 
someone.  Lots of someones.  You have to be dead yourself, in a sense, 
so that all those deaths can't touch you.  You have to be soulless.  So 
that, after you wipe the blood from your sword and wash your scarlet-
stained hands, you can continue.  And you can sleep peacefully in the 
relief of oblivion, undisturbed by the razor-sharp blade of remorse 
that can kill, if not your body, then your sanity in an infinitely 
less-merciful manner than the deaths you have inflicted on others...

	But the soul can't really die, I've discovered.  It can only 
sleep, suspended in an icy cocoon, waiting to be reborn in all its 
terrible raw beauty; waiting for an unwitting spark to wake it and set 
it free so it can rage up, white hot, out of its frozen confines, 
burning through the numbness and...

	Damn.  My hands are shaking.  I come to myself again, surging 
out of my dark inner depths to feel the warm sun on my back, the soft 
grass beneath my knees...  I quickly grab a rice bowl and plunge it 
into the bucket of warm soapy water with the rest of the dishes and 
wash fervently, hoping that Kaoru is too absorbed in helping Yahiko 
with his kendo practice to notice my momentary lapse...

    	She notices, of course.  She doesn't let me get away with much, 
if she can help it.  I shouldn't be thinking about this, in front of 
her where I might slip.  Especially since I know that, no matter what 
she's occupied with, she's always watching me out of the corner of her 
eye, keeping track of me on some level, as if afraid I might vanish 
without her constant vigilance keeping me safely rooted here to her 
dojo.

	But sometimes, all the mental discipline in the world can't 
keep the memories away... though I've found that washing dishes helps. 
So does laundry.  And cooking.

	Kaoru leaves Yahiko to his exercises, and comes over to me.  
"Kenshin?"

	I look up, wide-eyed and innocent.  "Yes, Kaoru-dono?"  Her eye 
barely twitches at that.  She's never asked me to stop calling her by 
the honorific, but I can tell that she doesn't like the distance that 
it puts between us.

	I don't like it either, I think.  But I also think that I...  
I...

	I don't know what I think.

	"Is something wrong?  You look distracted."  Her concern melts 
into a sudden scowl.  "Has someone challenged you, is that it?"  At the 
thought, she's suddenly livid, and I'm not sure if she's angry with me, 
or with the supposed challenger.  For a moment, I wonder if she's going 
to pound me on the head again, but she refrains, merely clenching her 
fists instead.  "You're not thinking of sneaking off on another duel 
without letting us know about it, are you?  Who is it this time?  
Yakuza?  Some weird government faction?"

	That brings Yahiko over in a flash.  He holds his practice 
sword so that its blunted tip is almost right between my eyes.  "Ha, 
Kenshin, don't hold out on me, I want to come too!  You saw me 
practicing, I'm ready!  Who is it?  I'll kick his ass!"

	"Oro?" I respond helplessly, pulling my now-steady hands out of 
the dishwater, holding them up palm outward to ward off their 
suspicions.  "What are you talking about ?"

	Kaoru blinks, and Yahiko lowers the practice sword, childish 
disappointment flashing in his eyes.  "Isn't there going to be a 
fight?"

	I smile.  "No, there's not."

	Yahiko turns and scuffs his foot against the ground.  "Damn, it's 
been too quiet around here lately!" 

	Kaoru nods, still eyeing me with open suspicion.  "Well, if 
it's not a challenge, then what's wrong?  You looked as if you'd been 
struck by lightning."

	I shrug, still smiling.  "Oro...  Everything's fine, Kaoru-
dono."  I say it in a way that communicates, without being offensive, 
that I've said all I'm going to say on the subject.

	"Well, if you're sure..."

	I assure her that everything is fine, and she reluctantly 
wanders back to the practice area, where she immediately puts Yahiko 
back to work on his katas.

	I watch him practice for a moment.  He's good.  Focused, and 
determined -- a rare quality in a boy his age...

	Sometimes, I can almost remember what it was like back when I 
was a boy, without a single drop of shed blood on my conscience.  Full 
of righteous rage, ready to change the world... and too willing to kill 
my own soul for the sake of what I considered a greater cause.  A new 
era for Japan, free of the violence and corruption that was the 
signature of the Shogunate; an era free of the "might makes right" 
mentality, where ordinary people wouldn't have to live in fear.

	I liked that dream, even then.

	Once the decision was made, it was easy.  I buried my own soul 
far from the reaches of any human feeling.  I became no longer human, 
but merely a tool.  The instinctive will behind the sword and nothing 
more.  No love, no hate, no desire.  Just Hitokiri.  Manslayer.  A tool 
of perfect accuracy, wielded by the new government to forcibly 
eliminate the old, barbaric social order, and get the job done as 
swiftly and efficiently as possible. 

	I fully expected, in the beginning, to die for the cause.  I 
certainly didn't expect to be such an *effective* weapon.

	I often wonder what cruel twist of fate, what laughing kami, 
bestowed me with such deadly talent, only to then fling me through grim 
circumstance into the apprenticeship of the one arrogant mortal master 
who could teach me the skill required to perfect the art of inflicting 
death.  And then, to be in a place and time of civil war, with a people 
who needed that skill...

	I think that if I had known, when I joined the Ishin Shishi, 
that I was going to survive beyond my usefulness as a tool -- that I 
would be required to actually *live* in the glorious new Meiji era that 
my sword had carved out of flesh and blood -- I would have thought 
twice about my decision.

	Maybe.

	I don't know.

	All I know is that my soul is now awake.  It's awake and 
burning.  The shattered remains of its frozen chrysalis lie in the dark 
depths of my mind, never melting, always there to remind me.  And my 
sleep is no longer the obliviousness of the dead, but rather, full of 
slack faces.  Wide, lifeless eyes.  And rivers of blood.
	
	I will never kill again.  That is the oath I took when my 
awakening soul left me shivering, retching and weeping over...

	No.  

	I cannot remember that now.  I force the memory back into the 
depths of the past, away from my heart.  For if I remember, it will 
show in my face, my eyes, and Kaoru will know.

	And I don't want her to worry...

	So I hold the memory of that moment away.  It is enough to 
remember the oath alone.

	There is a fine line that separates my living oath from the 
Hitokiri within me.  For he still lives as well; cold, fierce, and 
utterly merciless, within the shards of that frozen chrysalis.  And I 
know all too well that if the soul can be reawakened, it can also be 
lost again to the ice...

	In battle, the line between granting life or inflicting death 
is so very thin.
	
	But now, even after ten years of trying to atone, of using my 
skills to protect and serve rather than destroy... my dreams remain 
filled with the countless accusing faces of the dead.  None of those 
men were innocents.  And yet, they were like me.  Fighting with all 
their strength for what they believed in...

	I'm almost used to it now, after so long.  I take comfort in my 
conviction that I am, at last, doing the right thing, and that perhaps 
someday the dead will be appeased.

	And yet, what amount of atonement can equal the worth of even a 
single life lost?

	As the dreams continue night after night, I can't help but 
wonder, with the quiet beginnings of despair, if it will ever be 
enough.

	"Ken-nii!  Ken-nii!"  A tugging on my sleeve calls my attention 
to Suzume-chan, Kaoru's youngest adopted sister, looking up at me with 
wide hopeful eyes.  "Come play with us!"

	"Yes, come play!"  Ayame is now tugging at my other sleeve, 
pulling me away from the sudsy water.

	Their laugher is contagious, and I follow them, only too 
willing to escape my own company.

	I lose myself in their latest game, basking in their warm 
youthful exuberance, and feeling, with mixed emotions, their absolute 
trust in me.  I can feel Kaoru watching me as well; can almost sense 
her smile.  And Yahiko, too, pausing in his practice to wonder with 
idle curiosity once again why the strongest warrior he knows so often 
plays with children.

	I hope he never has to know.


~The End~


Notes:
This fic is dedicated to Avatar, who just sent me episodes 1-28 of 
Rurouni Kenshin.  I have a new favorite anime!  ^_^

Thanks also to the members of the FFML, for helping me polish this up. 
^_^  Arigato gozaimasu!

As for where this fic came from... well, it just came out.  I couldn't 
help it.