Christian Groff wrote:

========================================================================> Episode 4: Flames of Rage
========================================================================> 
"Great," muttered Beryl as she looked into her orb. "Now we have Sailor
Mercury to contend with! Strange,why is Mercury a guy?"

"Beats me," said Nephlite,shrugging. "I warned you,Jadeite."

"And I didn't listen," muttered the blonde man. Nephlite was needling
him again. "I don't believe in that astrology mumbo jumbo."

"Then you wouldn't believe me if I said that Mars is conjuncting with
Moon right now," said Nephlite with a smirk. ~Foolish boy.~

"Enough," sighed Beryl. "You know how important this energy is to the
Negaforce! I want no more delays,Jadeite! Give me that energy now!"

"I have the perfect plan," said Jadeite. "Not only will it obtain the
energy we need,it'll draw Sailor Moon and his boyfriend into our trap."

"We'll see how THIS plan works," giggled Nephlite as he left.

If this is based on the dub, why is "Nephlite" <shudder> giggling?  
His voice actor talked like he'd taken a cheese grater to the inside of
his throat.

"Bitch," hissed Jadeite.

So Jadeite's gay?  

~~~+~~~

"Hey,Amos," said Seth as he walked up to the blue-haired boy. "Want
to go to the arcade today? The new Sailor V game's out."

"Sorry," said Amos meekly. "I've got to get my computer class."

Seth shook his head. "Don't you have homework?" asked Luna,who was
riding atop of Seth's shoulder. She liked riding his shoulder.

"Ha ha ha," laughed Seth nervously. "Nothing that can't wait."

"Hey," said Mark as he walked up. "You guys want to go to the Cherry
Hill temple? It's a Buddhist temple that sells good luck charms."

You realise of course that it's the girls that are generally into good 
luck charms in Japan?  Most boys apart from Gosunkugi would be very 
embarassed to have anyone know that they were interested in getting 
some.

"Wow! Really?" asked Seth. "Love charms too?"

"Yep," said a brown-haired girl called Laura. "I heard that there is
a bunch of mystery around that place. A bunch of buses vanished there."

"Maybe this is a job for Sailor Moon," snickered Seth. "And Mercury?"

"Sorry,Seth," said Amos. "I have to go to computer class."

Seth sweatdropped heavily. "Ah yeah,right..."

~~~+~~~

Jadeite smirked as he watched three girls giggling over their charms.
~Those charms will zap the energy out of those stupid girls...~

Inside,a young man with black hair braided up like Ranma Saotome's was
waving a staff before a big fire. "Oh Mystic Fire,provide me with your
guidance," he whispered,his purple eyes reflecting the flames. "I sense
a great evil around this temple and I fear that my grandmother could be
in serious danger." He meditated a bit more before leaving.

He had every right to be worried. His grandmother was a strange little
woman who looked like Cologne,that wacky Chinese Amazon witch! 

Exactly why does that call for an exclamation point or mean that she's 
in 
danger?  

"Ho ho ho!" said the priest. "Welcome,ladies,to the sacred temple of 
Cherry Hill! Would you like

So she's a little old lady who talks in a baritone?

"No thanks," said one of the girls,giggling. "We have to catch our bus."

"Aha ha ha," the old woman said. "I bet you'd rather be guided by Jed,eh? That's okay. I'll send you on your way with my super-duper 

blessing!" She performed a

Bad formatting.  

"Thank you,miss," said another girl,bowing. They left just as Mark
and Seth arrived. The old priest went up to them.

"Hello ladies,I see you came back for more!" she said.

The boy came up. "Grandma! These aren't the same people! They are
not even GIRLS! You are blind and need your glasses!"

"Never needed them before," laughed the old woman.

"Whoa..." said Mark. "What a hunk!"

So Mark is gay?  

"Yeah," said Seth. "He is so handsome,I may want to take up priesthood."

So Seth is also gay?  

He scanned the powerfully-built young man with piercing violet eyes and
braided black hair. Nobody noticed Jed nearby.

He smiled. ~Time to put my OWN super-duper blessing on the girls...~ he
thought with a wicked smile. He held out his hands and dark energy shot
from them,forming the charms's evil hypnosis!

The boy clutched his head. ~Argh! That evil again!~ He locked gazes with
Seth. "YOU! You...you evil sorcerer! I will destroy you! Begone!" He held up a magic rune-paper with kanji on it. "AKU-RYO-TAI-SAN!!!!"

With a deft swipe of the hand,Seth was hit hard with the paper and was
laid out. The boy bit his lip. "Oops...that was not right..."

~~~+~~~

Seth slowly came to in the temple. He saw a man with mussy-blond hair
holding a tray. "Ren-sama,I brought the bandages."

"Thank you,Jed," said the boy with black hair,which Seth learned was
called Ren. "You may leave now." The blond bowed and left.

"So,you are called Ren?" asked Mark.

"Yes,my name is Ren Asahi Hino," said the black-haired boy. "I live in
this temple and sell charms and stuff. It is a simple life."

"You are so weird," said Seth. "You attacked me!"

"I thought you were evil," said Ren apologetically. "I am sorry. Ever
since this evil came,I cannot think clearly and find out who is the
one responsible. My fortunes have all gone wrong."

~He is a fortuneteller?~ thought Luna,who was at the foot of the cot.
~I have a strange feeling around this boy...~ (Not THAT feeling! :P)

Why not?  After all, it's about time someone turned out to be 
heterosexual.  

"Who's the guy?" asked Seth.

"That's Jed,our caretaker," sighed Ren. "Grandfather used to run all
the temple a long time ago,but when I entered puberty,he got older and
more senile. I wish I didn't have school so I could help him more."

"You really have a mean fist,Ren!" said Mark. "You a martial artist?"

"Well,my cousin is..." Ren blushed. "Ranma Saotome."

"No way!" shouted Seth. "THE Ranma of anime fame?!"

"He's just a model for Takahashi-sama," said Ren,smiling. "He's not
really the said Ranma,for he doesn't become a girl when wet. That is
just the author's idea of a joke. Me and Ranma laugh a lot at it."
He chuckled. "Sorry I hurt you,sir."

"My name is Seth Getsuno,and this is Mark Baker."

There was something wrong with "Anderson"?

"Nice to meet you two," said Ren,smiling.

Luna looked at Ren eagerly,trying to figure out who he was. A woman
came into the room,an angry look on her face!

"Where is she?" demanded the woman.

Ren got up. "Can I help you,miss?"

"My daughter said she'd come home by the bus,and she hasn't come home
yet!" screamed the woman. "That bus disappeared! What have you done?!"

"It's not our fault!" screamed Ren. "I don't know! But nobody in this
place has enspelled that bus! We don't know either. Go to the police!"

"Rude boy," hissed the woman,leaving in a huff.

"Huh?" said Seth. ~He is calm at the best of times,and mean at the
worst of times. Poor boy. I bet this incident is hurting his family.~

Gee.  How amazing that someone only shows their bad temper under stress.

~~~+~~~

As Seth left,Luna called him over to a private talk. "Seth,I have a
strange feeling about this place. There is evil here,but it is not
from that boy or his grandmother. We have to find out more."

"Okay," said Seth. "Let me get a charm,and then I'll get Amos."

"This is no time for foolery!" snapped Luna. "Jadeite's behind this!"

"Okay,okay," said Seth. He called Amos and the two boys met at the
bus stop to look for clues. They saw a huge crowd of hypnotized girls.

"Look at the people," said Amos. "They look in a daze."

"And those charms..." said Seth. "They were all from the temple!
But Ren and his grandmother are innocent!"

They are?  How do you know that.  

"Ren-sama,do you want something to drink?" he asked.

Uh...why is he talking in Japanese?  

"Come on,Seth! Get in line!" Luna ordered,pulling at his sock.

"NO WAY!!" howled Seth. He was frozen stiff!

"Oh..." said Luna. They'd miss the bus again! She then had an idea.
"Use your Luna Pen to disguise yourself. Then you will be brave."

"Why didn't I think of that?" laughed Seth. He raised his pen.
"DISGUISE POWER! Make me into a bus driver!" The pen disguised
him as a 20-year-old bus driver. He managed to leap on the bus.

Exactly why is being a bus driver supposed to make him brave?

"Hold it!" Seth shouted. "You're under arrest for mass kidnapping!"

And the bus driver answered, "Shouldn't you be disguised as a cop the  
if you are going to go around trying to arrest people?"

"Heh," said the driver,pulling at top speed. Seth flew the to back and

"to the"

cracked his head on the wall! Luna ran up to him.

Lose the exclamation point.

"Time to dust you,ugly Negamonster!" hissed Sailor Moon. He removed
his bandanna. "MOON BANDANNA MAGIC!" The monster caught it.7> 
"Ha,that was nothing," said the fiend.

"Guess again," said Seth with a smile. The bandanna turned back to
cloth and bound the monster's arms to its sides! "Are you okay?"

"Sure..." said Ren,rubbing his neck. "Where are we?"

"No time to explain," said Luna.

"Kami-sama! A talking animal!" shouted Ren in awe.

"I am Luna,and this is Sailor Moon," said Luna. "You are also a Sailor
Scout,the Scout of Mars. Even though you used to be a girl."

"Huh? A girl? What's going on?"

Luna did a flip and made a red wand with the symbol appear. "Take that
and say 'Mars Power' to get your uniform."

"And you'd better hurry,because that thing won't stay trapped," said
Seth. Already,the monster was freeing itself.

"MARS POWER!" shouted Ren,raising the wand. Gouts of fire swirled around
his body,clothing him in a Sailor Moon outfit with red shorts,a pair of
red sandals with white socks,a red bandanna with a lavender symbol of
Mars on the front,a pair of puce suspenders crossed with red buttons,
and silver bracelets with rubies in them,plus a red shirt collar.

Gee, I hope Ren's gay like everyone else.  Otherwise that outfit will be 
hard to live down.  

"Whoa! Major cool!" said Seth.

My fashion sense is tingling.

"Time to send this monster to Hell!" shouted Ren. His attack was like
Ranma's Mouko Takabisha. "MARS FIRE SOUL!!!" A giant red Hadoken flew
towards the monster and burnt it to cinders amid horrible screams!

OK, one thing you might want to try for is a _little_ more originality. 
At the least, stop and consider every time you have the guys do 
something the girls did, whether it makes as much sense coming from a 
boy as it did from a girl.  Guys do _not_ ooh and aah about how cute 
other guys are, unless of course they really are both gay and quite
uncloseted.  Lose the exclamation points on your narration.  They don't
really make your story more exciting.  Above all, start putting a little 
real thought into your story.  The only thing you appear to have done 
yourself is design those quite ridiculous costumes for the Sailor Boys. 
The rest looks like a straight transcription of the fourth episode of 
the DIC adaptation, except for the gender switch and the substitution
of a bus driver disguise for a stewardess disguise.