Despite some flaws, this was one of the best fics that I've seen on FFML
in quite a while. It had both a strong conflict and characterizations
that were reasonably faithful to the manga -- elements which are
surprisingly rare. Good work!

Reed Sekiya <rsekiya@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

	With that he leaves;  leaves me all alone.  He's chosen Akaner.  He

Akane.

loves Akane.  All my efforts to win his heart have been for nothing.  He
doesn't love me.  He loves Akane.  What do I do now?  Do I step aside
and accept his decision?  Do I lay here miserable while he marries her
and ends up happily ever after?

Do Ryogas fly? :-) Should be Do I lie here, BTW; lay is the past tense.

	Unfortunately, my godly powers only extend to water, specifically
rain.  Otherwise, I would have hit Ranchan with some kind of love spell
by now.  I know he's escaped a lot of those before, but trust me, a
goddess' spell is a lot more potent than that second rate stuff Shampoo
likes to use.

Shampoo's use of love potions is mostly fanfic convention anyway.

	*boom* ah, looks like my little curse has take effect.  Poor Ranchan,

Instead of just a sound effect, I suggest trying for something a little
more descriptive.

everywhere you go, my rain cloud will follow.  I imagine that would make
your life quite difficult, what with your Jusenkyou curse and all. Ha,
ha, ha.  You know, I never imagined myself as the sadistic type, but
then again 'hell hath no fury like a women scorned.'

So she's always had this power, but never decided to use it? That's a
little hard to believe. You might want to give a little explanation of
why she hasn't used this magic until now.

					********************

	*splash* "ah, that's better."

As above, try to describe the sound instead of just giving the sound
effect.

	"Really Ranma, I would think you would be used to a little water by
now."

Really, Ranma,

	"Akane! What are you doing in here?  I'm trying to take a bath!"

	"Your my fiancee, silly.  You shouldn't be shy around me.  Besides,

You're

you've been a girl all day and I don't get to do this unless you're a
guy."

Hmmm... their relationship must've undergone some major changes; she's a
lot less insecure than she was in the manga. You might want to give some
indication of how this happened.

	"Well, it's still my concern!  How do I even know that you're not
behind this whole mess."

Question mark.

	"How DARE you!  You have already tainted the honor of my
Great-granddaughter!  I will not allow you to question mine!"

	*crash* Ow, he's gonna be feeling that later.  Guess this one was a
bust, huh, Ranchan?  Next!

Seems like too extreme a reaction for Cologne. It'd be just as mean to
simply leave and let him suffer.

	"Hey Ranchan.  You're looking kind of down.  What's wrong?"

"Hey, Ranchan.

	"Thanks Ucchan.  That means a lot to me.  I just wish I had some idea

Thanks, Ucchan.

who did this to me.  I want to be a guy again, but every time I turn
back
this happens to me!"

Line wrapping error.

	"Hey, you got tea all over my floor!"

"And you got peanut butter in my chocolate okonomiyaki!" :-)

	"Who?  Oh, it's *you*.  What do you want Taron?"

want, Taron?"

	"Sorry, that won't work either.  The blessing is kind of particularly

particular

	"Ranchan, me and Akane have been talking."

Grammatically, this should be 'Akane and I'.

	"We've come to the conclusion that the only solution will be for you to
marry Ukyou."

	"but akane..."

Akane (caps)

	"This damn cloud is killing you Ranma.  Your so sick, I can barely hear

you, Ranma. You're

you."

	"It's not like you'd have to married to me forever.  You can get
married to
Akane later.  She'll wait for you."

	"what do you mean, later?"

"What (caps)

and so on. If you're trying to show that Ranma is weak, describe the
sound of his voice, etc. instead of leaving off the caps.

	"Oh.  Um, the blessing should set in permanently after 6 months or so. 
Did I forget to mention that?"

Seems to me that Akane ought to be a lot more suspicious of this
"blessing" than she's showing. It's too convenient for Ukyo to just
happen to have it. I appreciate the fact that you're not using the
"psychotic maniac" version of Akane, but you don't need to go entirely
to the opposite extreme, either.

Numbers, BTW, read better if you write them out; 'six' rather than '6'.

	To be perfectly honest though, I'm getting kind of bored.  I think I'll
go back to Kansai.  I'm sure father misses me terribly.

Capitalize father. And this change of heart isn;t very believable. Maybe
if you give more details on *why* she's changing her mind, it might be.
Then again, maybe it just needs to be changed.

					********************

	So long, Ranchan.  I guess I never really loved you after all.  Oh
look, he's calling to me;  giving me one last laugh to remember him by.

	"Come back, Ucchan!  You said you still had more to show me!  I want to
be with you!  I want to sleep with you!  Come back!"

	"Ranma no Baka"

Period.

This ending isn't satisfying nor believable to me. You were doing a fine
job with Ranma's characterization up until here, but he comes off
incredibly shallow in this last bit. Also, seems to me that just as a
literary convention, when someone uses black magic for selfish ends
there ought to be bad consequences; not necessarily for the person who
used the magic, because life isn't fair after all, but there ought to be
unexpected consequences somewhere.

	That conveniently also gave me the ending to my fic.  I basically
altered the ending to the Urusei Yatsura episode, so any complaints
about the ending should be directed to Rumiko Takahashi, as well as
myself.

Hey, now, you don't get off that easily, pal. :) It was the
appropriateness of the ending that I had a problem with, not the ending
itself.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html