Matt and Al's Excellent Adventure at Anime North


    So, okay, I don't do diaries-- never have. No journal, no
diary: I know what I did, and I've never needed help keeping my
lies straight, as well as feeling it bad practise to record them
down somewhere, where another might read them and realise that I've
been lying.

     On the other hand, I will write stories, and since this is 
the Fanfiction Mailing List, I thought maybe I'd write a piece of
fiction about some fans. I've got the regular text, and have (in
my infinite benificence) allowed Alan to insert comments of his
own-- he's decided to use cool, pointy, angly-type brackets.
 
<Consider it a modified form of SI, wherein we take an event 
which actually happened and retool it in such a way that it
conforms more to our desires.>

See what I mean! Look at those brackets! Look at them! Look! Look!

    So okay, you want to know what happened, right? Anime North and
all that, yes? Met Alan Harnum at just a tad after 12:30 post
meridian, Eastern time, Saturday, the nineteenth in the year of our
Lord nineteen hundred and nintey-nine, at the agreed upon place.
Mike Noakes couldn't make it, to which we mourned. Needless to say,
our quickly growing LoCA-- League of Canadian (fanfic) Authors was
incomplete. Still, much was accomplished (stage two of our plan to
take over the United States of America, via the utilisation of
fanfics, culminating in an appearance by several LoCA members at
Otakon-- on _July 4th weekend, fairly close to Washington D.C._ is
seen/will be a major coup).

<Matt's black Hawaiian shirt is very distinctive, and I was thus able
to recognize him even though I'd said that I would meet him OUTSIDE
the Consuite rather than inside.  Nevertheless, I persevered, and made
contact with him, and with a fellow that neither of us knew who took
the opportunity to inform us of how bad the Sailor Moon pasta they 
were serving samples of in the Consuite was.>

<It is unfortunate that Mike Noakes wasn't able to be there, as we
probably could have furthered the Conspiracy.  Not that there is a
Conspiracy.  And I don't know anything about it.  Or wouldn't, if it
existed.  Which it doesn't.>

We both agree that replacing tinfoil with aluminum foil was really a
conspiracy by the Illuminati to continue to beam/read thoughts in
our head, and not in fact due to a tin shortage. Well, Al didn't
contradict me at least, which _implies_ that he agreed... good
enough for me, at any rate.

<Contradicting Matt is difficult, because to be polite, you have to
wait for a time when his mouth isn't moving during the conversation.
^_^>

I really do talk to listen to the sound of my own voice, you know....
I'm thinking of bringing some duct tape to Otakon with me, in case
people want to get a word in edgewise.

    Went into the dealer's room once-- in the A.M. Didn't buy
anything because, not even Kenshin manga even though there were a
couple of dealers and it would be nice to update my woefully
deficient collection. Lots of people congregated around the
entrance of the room, making navigation not easy, but on the far
side it was pretty clear. A fairly cursory look (I wasn't, after
all, looking for anything in particular) revealed a fairly large
selection of anime CDs, but mainly near the entrance where most of
the crowd was and so I did not pursue this line much further
(besides which I was more interested in a few specific artists or
groups, rather than soundtracks, which were all I, in my admittedly
too brief look, noted).

<The dealer's room was very crowded, but prices didn't seem all that
good.  They were selling Ranma tankubon for $15 Canadian; when I 
ordered mine from Sasuga, they were $5.85 American, plus a little more
for S&H.  I was also unhappy to see that many of the CDs being sold
were from Son May, and for the prices paid for the average genuine 
import CD.  Most unhappy was I, however, with the fact that I had no 
money to spend.>

I forgot about that-- Anime North should probably change its logo to
a skull and crossbones on a black background. As usual, lots of piracy
going around, such as silk screens which were transfers from calendars,
the Son May CDs, et cetera. Richard Lawson would roll over in his grave,
if he were dead and assuming he had a burial instead of a cremation, I
don't know which he would prefer, so okay he wouldn't really roll over
and he isn't dead you hear me that's just a filthy dirty dirty rumour and
I don't know how these things get started. He'd be not-a-happy-camper,
at least.  This is, however, the usual mode for Anime North (I can say
this, having been to it each year since its inception).

<Arr, me hearties!  Prepare to steal copyrighted material!>

    Sometime after, we both saw a dub of Kotetsu-- a decision based
upon what I noted of it at Anime Central (of which I kept referring
to, to the envy of Alan and thus ensuring my increasing references
to it), which was the very, very end of it. Surprisingly good,
especially if you get past the younger female Ranma (hairdo
intact!) with the prim and proper British accent.

<Sometime after for Matt means roughly eight hours after we met up,
which means after lunch, dinner (hurray for Chinese barbequed pork 
buns!), the fanfic panel, and two episodes of Escaflowne, which now 
tops my list of Anime I Have to See More Of.  Kotetsu was quite 
entertaining in bits, and had large amounts of fanservice.>  

    Had lunch soon after meeting Alan (it should be noted that
these events are not really listed here in chronological order, but
that's okay, because both of us, whom can be considered fanfic gods
and easily above the ranks of mere mortals, are not constrained by
linear time-- well, I am, at least).  Discussed stories, story 
ideas, upcoming and ongoing projects. Imparted valuable and secret 
English major advice to him, as well. Various anecdotes on both sides, 
now and throughout the day are exchanged (including the incident which 
first made me realise and come to terms with my evilness-- it involved
a corned beef sandwich).

<Lunch was in Wendy's, which was filled with chatty otaku from the
con.  Matt and I immediately identified ourselves as fanfic authors,
whereupon we were swarmed by hordes of beautiful and willing women.
After fighting them off with our food trays, we found a secluded 
corner and ate our food.  I described to Matt how I eat subs by
dissecting them from the top down, and he told me how it's okay for
English majors to use bad grammar, because when they do it it's 
ironic, or something like that.  I was surprised to find how many of
my own anecdotes begin with "I was drinking with some friends...">

I forgot to mention: I instructed him on the proper use and spelling
of ig'nant. ^_^

     The black Hawaiian shirt, my official con/exam/vacation shirt,
really does exist.

<It does.  It is very cool.  I wore a shirt that had a hole in it,
which I didn't realize until I got to the con.  Cleverly, I covered
the hole using my con badge, and all was well.>

    Fanfic panel was somewhat odd. Was listed as a Sailor Moon
fanfic panel, and sure enough all the authors on it were SM ones,
but they decided to talk about fanfics in general, really (although
examples and authors they generally cited were SM ones). Went two
hours, instead of one (and after we were kicked out, it was
announced that discussions would/could continue in someone's room,
if anyone so desired). Liked that-- two hours gave more time to go
through things than one, which just doesn't seem like enough. On
the other hand, there were a few moments of lull, as if people were
trying to think of something to fill the time. I think one decimal
five hours would also be sufficient.

<I enjoyed the panel.  Sat about two rows behind Ken Wolfe, and wanted
to talk to him about El Hazard : Earth, which I'm currently reading,
but didn't get a chance.  There were a lot of good general points made
at the panel about fanfic writing.  As Matt says, it was more of a
general panel than a Sailor Moon fanfic panel.  I think I talked too
much, though, in my attempts to make the points I wanted to.>

<When I told Sean Gaffney I was going to AN, he told me that all his
SM author friends were going to be there.  I considered standing up at
the panel and shouting "Gaffney says hi!", but decided against it.>

    One thing both Alan and I agreed upon afterwards was that they
seemed to be having/wanting a somewhat formulaic approach to
writing-- almost as if there were an algorithm or something with
which one could use-- okay, it might work for David Eddings
(speculation continues on whether or not Eddings is really an
A.I.); 

<I've generally been of the opinion that good writing is very hard to
define, as the enjoyment of fiction is very personal.  Still, it's 
good to have a general idea of what and how you should be writing if
you want to please people, and the panel did a good job of this.  John
Gardner said that it's good to have orthodoxy to fall back upon in
writing when the unorthodoxy just ain't working.  Or something like
that; I'm kind of paraphrasing him here.>

Actually, we both know the surefire secret to improving any fanfic:
stick in a character with the name Pimpdaddy, regardless of what the
character is actually like, just have the name in there. It works. Trust
me. Try it yourself. Go get a fic at random, and do a quick name swap,
changing one character's name to Pimpdaddy. 

<This is true.  I have a section of WUE in which every instance of the
words 'The Ravager' are replaced by 'Pimp Daddy'.  Honest.  It reads
like a dream.>

     It would have been nice to get into some more specifics, however--
it was fairly general and entry-level type stuff about fanfics, really.
Nothing about more complex punctuation (colons, semi-colons, emdashes,
et cetera), narration, cool post-modern crud you can stick in to make
yourself feel big, and all that jazz.

<Well, you can only do so much with a two-hour panel.  And post-modern
crud is mostly that.>

<It's also probably a good time to note that for the next four
paragraphs, Matt's narrative departs from Somewhat Resembling What
Happened into the realm of Total Fiction.>

Alan, in frustration, raged against the idea and stood up,
ripping his shirt off, baring his chest to everyone there, daring 
them to question his authority. All the women in the audience 
swooned at the sight of his manly physique. The rest of the men 
(myself not included, of course) burned with envy. 

<"Who will challenge me!" I shouted.  When that failed to enflame 
them, I told them that Usagi's real name was Serena, that Oscar wrote
better fanfics then all of them put together, and that Sailor Moon was
a show for little girls.  Before they could respond to my vicious
taunts, however, Matt stepped in...>

    Not wanting to be outdone, I railed against unoriginality and
sameness-- of how some authors find themselves retelling the same
story, the same way, time and time again and how this approach
would seem conducive to this. When my authority was challenged, I
permitted them knowledge of my name, and an eerie hush fell over
the crowd. Soon, a single cry rose up from them, one single voice
from all their mouths. "Get 'em!" they cried. Fisticuffs broke out.

<Fortunately, I was prepared, having engaged my super-Saiyajin mode
before the con even began.  I will also mention at this point that
Matt and I watched around two hours of Dragonball Z, up until the
point where we began to drool and forget how to read.  Later, I was
informed that some episodes of Dragonball GT have fights that last for
45 episodes, and was simply boggled.>

    Alan murmured something about letting the lads have their fun,
then kissed his fists and started using them to deadly effect. I,
on the other hand, am more civilised, as well as being nigh
universally acknowledged as barking mad and the more dangerous of
the pair. There was an odd dead zone around me, where no one would
or could enter-- kind of like an A.T. field, I suppose (hrm,
Absolute Terror field might be a more apt description than I
previously thought). Turns out that the Evil Doctor Tofu from
Waters Under Earth is, in fact, an SI....

<This is partly true, actually.  I don't engage in psychopathy, demon
worship, martial-arts chiropractry, Kasumi-abuse, or getting eaten by
dragons.  I do, however, wear glasses.>

    After we (well, Alan, at least) dispatched our attackers, a new
threat burst through the doors: Lucien Bouchard, saying that our
fanfics had to be written in French, and we were just _Anglais_
bastards. While I pretty much fit the bill, the bastard part at least,
Alan took offense, especially with the writing in French bit, and did
nasty, nasty things-- I think someone (maybe me) shouted out:

          Mortal Kombat!

at this point. Near the end the same voice (which sounds suspiciously
like mine) spoke the following words sententiously:

          Finish Him. Flawless Victory.

I advised and gave suggestions on many of the nasty things that could be
done, being the more depraved of the pair and therefore more able to come
up with nastiness and mayhem.

<I am one-quarter French, so am entitled to be insulted by being 
called an Anglais bastard.  Bouchard never had a chance against me.>

<Here ends the Total Fiction section of the narrative.  We now return
to the land of Somewhat Resembling What Happened.>

    Alan mentioned Ken Arromdee might be here, so we set off to
search for him, wanting to find 'im for the room party later on. I
saw Ken (side profile only) at the ACen fanfic panel, so stood the
greatest chance of recognising him. Didn't find him.

<My belief that Ken might be there was misplaced, as he'd actually
been referring to an entirely different con.  Still, he apparently
missed out on the room party at ACen, so we decided to try and drag
'im to ours.  This is because we are such nice guys, and not because
we wanted to use him in bizarre rites dedicated to dark and terrible
gods.  Honest.>

That's true! For one, we're both monotheists....

    Decided that we're not really otaku, but more like fringe
otaku, really-- in my case I'm using anime as an excuse for not
having a life, instead of a substitution for a life-- I didn't have
a life before anime anyway, but at least now I have a reason not
to.... ^_^

<I decided I wasn't really a hard-core otaku because I spend all my
available money on CDs rather than on anime.  Seriously!  Check out my
Sekrit Webpage if you don't believe me!>

Room Party:

    Was a blast-- especially the part when we went outside and used
the explosives. Okay, so they weren't _powerful_ explosives, more
like firecrackers, but the principle's the same and it's the
thought that counts. Shut up... ...and get me some Tang
(incidentally, that was our battlecry during the fanfic panel
fisticuffs: Shut up! ...and where can I find me some Tang?)

<The part about the Tang is true.  Matt and me, I would like to
reiterate, did not ACTUALLY take on the entire gathering of Sailor
Moon authors and fans with only our bare fists.  Though we could have.
And won.  Honest.>

And oddly enough, there was Tang in the consuite... it's like they knew.
(ohmygod! maybe they did! Dammit! If only we had some tinfoil and not this
aluminum crud!)

<The room party was a (literal) blast.  Too bad Ken wasn't there.>

    I don't think I ever saw anyone drink as much as Alan did then,
and I've had friends who've suffered from alcohol poisoning in my
past. Again, Alan took off his shirt (I said tore before, didn't I?
A bit of hyperbole on me part, I assure you) and women fell at his
feet from the sight of the tattoo emblazoned across his prodigious
chest.

<The mystery of this tattoo will have to wait until the Otakon fanfic
panel to be revealed.  Be assured that women will swoon and men will
cringe with jealousy.>

    I got accused of being an half-demon again. I get that a lot,
especially with people who've seen Oh My Goddess manga with Mara in
it and note the accidental tattoo. I had to sacrifice the person
accusing me of it to disabuse them of the notion that I'm an
_half_-demon.

<The accidental tattoo is genuine.  He showed it to me.  It is small
but noticeable.  It was, for example, noted by the nice fellow who 
Matt bought a newspaper from.  The newspaper was an interesting
publication with the name of Louis Farrakhan featuring prominently. 
This caused me to relate the story of the day I paid five dollars for
a copy of The Watchtower.  Like most of my stories, it began with "I 
was drinking with some friends...">

    More fun ensued-- I'd tell you, but you'd never believe me,
especially the part with the guy who really thought he was Gendo.

<He apparently wanted Matt and I to save the world, but wasn't willing
to pay us our regular fee.  So we threw beer on him and walked away.>

Well, in my case it was an empty that I threw-- why waste beer, after all?

<Maybe it was American beer?>

<In reflection, Anime North was great fun.  There was something of a
lack of variety in the showing of videos, especially late at night, 
but there were a number of excellent discussion panels and everything
seemed to be very well-organized.  I think I would have preferred a
general fanfic panel to a Sailor Moon oriented one, as I think the
description of it as a Sailor Moon panel might have discouraged 
people who would have attended otherwise-- not me and Matt, of course,
but we are doughty souls, not intimidated by the prospect of being the
only non-SM authors in the room.>

It might also bring more variety to the panel, such as putting me and/or
Alan up there-- I suspect it was envy and green-eyed jealousy that made
them call it a Sailor Moon panel, so that we wouldn't be a part of it. Then
again I also suspect that the real reason fluoride is being put in drinking
water is because it can be used to track us and know our locations (the 
truth is out there! It's gotta be, because it certainly ain't anywhere 
around here!)

<Next year, I'll probably consider a full weekend pass instead of just
Saturday.  I'll also bring some money to the dealer's room, and grab a
few posters.>

Anime North keeps getting better and better, each year. This one, I wasn't
even planning to go until the last moment, being under the mistaken 
impression that I was working that weekend. 

     Final oddity: Didn't notice a single person dressed up as anyone 
from the Sailor Moon cast... no, wait: there was one guy done up as 
Tuxedo Mask.

<Good costume, too.>

<See you at Otakon!>



Matthew Lewis is:
	Matt on IRC
	Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
	maybeso@ican.net
	a proud member of Lumpy Pot Productions
( http://members.xoom.com/Morisato.home.html )
	in need of updating his webpage at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/9345/index.html
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If you can't laugh at other people, who can you
laugh at?
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