Stephen Ratliff wrote:

This part has been revised, especially with the Ryoga scene.  Comments are
welcome, and hoped for.  I especially want to know if that Ryoga scene is
working.
                        Stephen

    As you wish.  So far this story is low in personality conflicts, which a
lot of people seem to think is a sign of poor writing.  Personally, I don't
mind about that at all.  I don't think it's absolutely necessary for Ranma's
life to be a living hell for the story to be enjoyable.

Part 8: Changes

        Ranma awoke to his mother's humming.  A look at the bedside clock
determined that his father was already off to work.

    That's an assumption.  What if his father was sick that morning?  Would the
clock show that, too?  Better to say that by the time, his father should be
long gone.

        "Good morning, Ranma," Nodoka said as she placed a large number of
cinnamon sugared rice cakes in front of him.

    Is this something you've read about as a Japanese breakfast food?  Last
time I heard anything about it, they ate rice, miso soup, and fish as part of a
traditional breakfast.  They also now eat Western style breakfasts also.  I
have no idea if cereal ever caught on over there, but I don't recall ever
seeing any commercials for cereal in my imported anime TV eps (I remember
mostly seeing plastic model and candy commercials).  Another popular thing to
do is make a rice bowl type dish and break a raw egg over it.  The heat of the
rice and whatever else is in the bowl partially cooks the egg by the time it is
served.  (I tried that kind of food once in a restaurant in a local Japanese
community.  As far as I'm concerned, it's an acquired taste, and I DIDN'T
acquire it!)

         Ranma joined Nabiki and Akane for lunch.  Akane and Nabiki both had
chocolate cake for their desert, but Kasumi had thoughtfully included a
piece of cherry pie for Ranma.  Nabiki still was moving a little
sensitively after the day before's sparring with Akane.

    A better word than "sensitively" might be "gingerly".

        "He looks rather dashing in the school uniform," Akane said.  "Not
as much as Ranma, though.  Plus he is rich."

    Hmm.  I forgot if you mentioned in the previous chapters whether or not
Kuno is relatively normal.  Does he wear street clothes and school uniforms and
instead of the hakama?

        "Because of you I have seen ..." Ryoga began, but couldn't think of
a word to continue.

    This is a cute scene.  Hmm.  "Ranma, because of you, I have seen... LOTS of
places!"

        "Perhaps if you described it we could tell you what you saw,"
Nabiki interjected, after a moment's pause.
        "That might work," Ryoga said.  "One minute I was walking out my
front door, the next I was walking along this strange black wall with
English names carved in it.  I think I passed this barb wire

    "barbed wire"

topped wall
with people trying to jump over it.  And I walked on top of this other wall
that was at least four meters wide."

    In describing the VietNam memorial, you make it sound like a British
monument.  Instead of saying "English names", I'd suggest "names written in
English".  Also, the Berlin Wall didn't have very many people trying to jump
over it all the time.  Apparently the armed guards, police dogs, barbed wire,
and land mines discouraged them for some reason. You might want to change the
description a bit.  The Berlin Wall had lots of German graffiti on the Western
side, and had East German guards with dogs or in cars patrolling regularly.  It
actually wasn't very thick; only about 6 inches to a foot.  It's main purpose
was to make it difficult to get over before the guards caught you.  (There is a
whole section of it on display here in Los Angeles, at the Ronald Reagan
Presidential Library.)

        "Hmmm," Nabiki said, and began looking through her Geography book.
"Well, the last is the Great Wall of China, and the second one sounds like
the Berlin wall.  As for the first one, I have no idea.  I don't know how
you got from Japan to East Germany and then China."
        "It's his family curse," Ranma said.  "He couldn't find the
bathroom if you put him in the doorway."

    Not a good analogy.  It might be better to say "He couldn't find the
bathroom if you pointed him at the doorway."

        "Ranma, you promised you won't tell," Ryoga moaned.
        "No, I promised to try to help you," Ranma said.  "It's not my
fault that you wouldn't let  Hiroshi and Daisuke walk you to school."
        "Ranma, those two could drive anyone insane with their constant
commentary," Akane said.

    This is a bit vague.  Commentary about what?

        "They do want a lot of details," Ranma commented, absently.
        "About what," Akane asked, her mind jumping to conclusions.
        "Things they aren't finding out from me," Ranma said.
        "Perhaps I can sell them the information," Nabiki said, putting her
Geography book away.
        "You don't have the equipment to give the information to them,"
Ranma stated.

    This remark is too cryptic.  I can't really figure out what it is supposed
to mean.  From the lines above it, I was getting the idea that the boys were
asking about what Ranma and Akane did together.  What "equipment" is it that
_Nabiki_ is supposed to not have?  I just don't see how these lines relate to
each other.

        "I don't know," Nabiki said.  "After all, they just want the
information, not the personal experiences."
        "Don't they have older brothers going to Furinken High?" Akane
said.  "Genichi and Genkazu?"
        "The ones Kasumi refers to as the dark perverts?" Nabiki said.

    Dark perverts?  Is that a good nickname to call them?  It sounds too
melodramatic.  I'd think a high school girl would call them something more
prosaic, like "the sukebe squad" or some such.




--
 Ja ne,
 LarryF

http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58