Hi!
Yeowch, this is a lot of writing to go over at one time! I read this the
last time you put it out, and thought it was funny. So this time, I guess I'll
put in a few comments.
Kenjiko2@aol.com wrote:
The Admittedly Peculiar Adventures of Sailor Luna
Part the first, meaning, the first part.
Or the part where the story begins...
Hmm. SM, SPC... maybe you should be reported to the ASPCA...
Author's sort of notes:
I'm aware that this means mostly the
vilified DIC continuity, but since when these chapters were first
written that was for the most part all I knew (I got better) I'll
stick to it-- and besides, the jokes are funnier that way.
I sincerely hope people are open minded enough that it doesn't matter; after
all, it wasn't all that long ago that most of the anime fans were hooked in by
Robotech, and if that isn't a bastard project, nothing is. I've always felt that
given a choice of a poor translation and none at all, I'd go for the poor
translation. If you really must have purity, you can learn to speak Japanese.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++
It was another normal day in Juuban Tokyo, which can mean
10-ban, or Crossroads, or a few other things depending on how clever
you are at punning in Japanese.
This makes Tokyo sound like a prefecture (I think the prefecture it's in is
called Kanto). How about "...another normal day in the Juuban district of
Tokyo,"?
Admittedly, normal was a relative term in Juuban. After all,
this particular district had been known for at least three separate
breakouts of what could at best be called paranormal activity. After
a long assault by what had been referred to as Youma, Monsters, and
"Oh my GOD RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES"
<grammar>"Oh my GOD! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"</grammar>
(the last by those people who had
actually SEEN them), then the cardians (Which, in general followed
#3 above in the minds of most people) and the Droids (And if you
CAN'T figure out where they fit in the general populace's mind, go
read a Ranma Fanfic. Preferably mine.), Juuban was enjoying an
enviable period of peace.
I'd suggest having "can't" in lower case. It really doesn't need the
emphasis. On the other hand, capitalizing "they" in the same sentence would look
good:
"(And if you can't figure out where THEY fit in the general populace's mind, go
read a Ranma Fanfic. Preferably mine.)"
The Stranger appeared in a alley. Just appeared. No bright
flashes, no eldritch gates, no eye-twisting juxtapositions of space,
time, and possible mutated ostriches. He just popped in-- without
even the popping part.
<suggestion>"No bright flashes, no eldritch gates, no eye-twisting
juxtapositions of space/time or mutated ostriches."</suggestion>
Also- while I'm not certain, I don't think "--" is valid punctuation; at least it
looks strange to me. I'd suggest just using one dash as I did at the beginning
of this sentence.
Then again, the Stranger had always held that the brilliant,
or dark, or confusing entrances that other paranormal beings
performed were in bad taste.
"Or", like "and", is used to hook sentences together. While you can use it
for special effects, usually it's better to avoid too many uses in one sentence.
For example:
"Then again, the Stranger had always held that the brilliant, dark, or confusing
entrances that other paranormal beings performed were in bad taste."
As far as he was concerned, the best
thing about the demise of the Dark Kingdom, referred to some as the
Negaverse
"referred to by some"
At any rate, the Negaverse was closed to this realm, and
broken in respect to others... almost.
<suggestion>"...broken in respect to other dimensions...
mostly."</suggestion>
Even Tokyo, the most up to date, advanced city in Japan, had more
than it's share of homeless. In fact, that may have been the reason.
<grammar>"its", not "it's".</grammar>
There wasn't anyone at home but Serena and Luna at the time,
when a knock came at the door.
Drop "...at the time,". "There wasn't anyone at home but Serena and Luna
when a knock came at the door."
But Darien was out of town, for some reason, the mail had
arrived, and for once, Serena had done all her homework already.
"But Darien was out of town for some reason, the mail had arrived, and for
once Serena had already done all her homework."
So she opened the door, uninterested, but planning to be
polite. This intent vanished at the ragged figure before her.
"So she opened the door, uninterested but planning to be polite."
Luna, (who was, after all, a cat) had spent this oddly quiet
day exploring Serena's new headboard for her bed. It's a cat thing
to like to snooze on highish, softish, and often narrow places. The
new headboard was cushioned, and Luna had found just the right
places. It was an unaccustomed reward for much thankless guidance of
the reincarnated Moon Princess.
When Serena dashed into her room and dived under her covers
at speeds approaching those of light (At least, in retrospect Luna
had always claimed that she saw a definite red shift) , slamming into
the new headboard (A goof thing it WAS cushioned),
"good thing"
"What do you mean, Luna?" asked Serena, confused that Luna
apparently knew all about it.
"You're calming all of a sudden," said Luna at the same time,
assuming that Serena had gotten a grip on herself.
"You're calm" or "you're certainly calm"
Serena felt the same panic she had felt before, again
wondering why she was so frightened.
Um, given the appearance you described, why would she wonder why she's
frightened?
Luna felt a new panic, while her rather more rational mind
told her that this wasn't a threat to Sailor Moon,
That also seems like an unwarranted thing for Luna to think. Here is a guy
they don't know, that looks worse than most Youma, and he just entered into a
home without permission where the only ones home are a young girl and a cat. Why
aren't either screaming "rape"?
The ragged man sat, grumbling. "Great. A whole world is
doomed because of an unfilled office. An entire civilization is
going to fall because of an unfilled seat. Some cosmic being of
destiny I am. This just plain stinks. "
One problem with this; if the world that is being threatened is a word of
Anthromorphs, why is he looking for a HUMAN senshi? Or was he planning to alter
her form to that of a cat?
"I know. You are Sailor Moon, the champion of Love and
Justice, yatta yatta yatta. But you aren't."
Nitpick: Yatta is a Japanese word meaning something like "I did it!". That
makes this look weird to someone who knows enough Japanese. Also, I _think_ the
correct expression is "yadda, yadda, yadda" anyway.
Beryl had not been a fool. It was the time of the
Choosing... where each of the Inner realms would choose as new
Senshi. And Beryl chose to attack before the two most powerful were
chosen... that of Earth, and of the Moon.
I'm not an expert on Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon, but I think it was stated
that _the_ most powerful Senshi was Saturn. Perhaps someone else can say if
that's right.
The office of the Senshi of the Earth fell to Endymion,
(known as Darien by a few friends, that being his name before
confirmation as the Heir to Earth) and although unprepared, he did
well enough with it...
I'd suggest saying "the duties" rather than "the office". At least, I don't
ever remember Darien wearing a fuku... (Unless it was after he married Usagi?
Y' never know what they might be into...)
An uncertain look passed over the girl's face for a moment,
and then, quietly... "Um... Diane. Diane Tsukino. I think."
I kind of wondered why you didn't call her Diana. Diana is, after all, the
greek goddess associated with the moon. Why a variation of the name?
"No, I haven't."
"Military School."
"Now that you mention it, a sister would be really keen."
Junior was no fool.
I love this exchange, but I'd suggest removing "Junior was no fool.". It
takes a little of the effect away, at least for me.
"YOU BRING BACK LUNA NOW! YOU CAN'T DO THIS, YOU-- YOU--
JERK! YOU BRING BACK LUNA NOW OR I AM GONNA REARRANGE YOUR
MOLECULES! I AM GONNA SHOW YOU A WHOLE NEW USE FOR THE MOON SCEPTER!
I AM GONNA... I AM..."
When you use "gonna" instead of "going to", using "I am" seems incongruent.
I'd suggest using "I'm".
Sailor Moon's response included a lot of very remarkable
language. Including some that even Amy had to look up in the Mercury
Laptop-- which produced a furious blush. Where has Serena LEARNED
that language? To be called a Sailor was one thing-- to cuss like
one was another...
LOL. Hmm, that database has info on EVERYTHING, doesn't it? I sure can't
find a dictionary with those words... ^_^
"Well, if I appeared as I am, you'd... die.
Suggestion: make it more matter-of-fact. "If I appeared as I really am,
you'd die."
Even a being as powerful as the Stranger apparently was could
be stunned by five extremely loud, extremely embarrassed shrieks. And
the five girls could shriek with the best and/or worst of them.
Could, and did.
I was half expecting to read that one of the girls had walked up and kick him
in the shin while he was talking.
The Stranger winced. "What is it with you people and
screaming? All I'm doing is dream-programming him so he can help
her. Their destinies are interlinked, and he's going to have to
follow. Isn't that obvious?"
Something that bothers me: he was careful to ask Luna's permission before
using her. Why does Artemis get drafted with no say in the matter?
Amy picked up the object. "It looks like... a universal TV
remote?"
Heh. Make that "Universal" TV remote... nice pun!
The last seemed weirdly familiar, as though she'd known two
otherp eople who were great friends but fought a lot.
Typo!
"I'm only 12-- for ME those are memories."
Comma after "me".
Those who missed chapter one are advised to go and read it-- but
until you have read the description of
the Stranger, on an empty stomach.
A bit awkward in phrasing. How about: "Those who missed chapter one are
advised to go and read it- but until you have finished reading the description of
the Stranger, I don't suggest eating anything."
"You know, we've just rebuilt this neighborhood, and you
whatzits come around and start trashing it? This is an insult that
cannot be bourn! Prepare to face four swords, miscreants!"
Since you are using American spelling everywhere else, "bourn" should be
spelled "born" or "borne".
"Yeah," said Guido. "They may have not been much at
fighting-- but there were an awful LOT of them... I just wanna go
home, get in a hot bath, and listen to Placido Domingo albums for an
hour."
How did Placido Domingo get record sales on a world where there aren't any
humans?
Or is that Placido Flamingo?
The three (and one more, I remember, I remember! OKAY?)
turned to face a rather mild mannered lapine, who adjusted a
ill-fitting pair of glasses and murmured, "Um... I'm sorry, but
there's one other thing you have to fight, sirs and lady?"
"One other thing"? Or "one other being"?
"You carry with you a sort of extradimesnional pocket, Diane.
Call it, oh, kitty-space. You may find it useful also. Now,
understand me-- you will have to learn much on your own, but when I
can, I will be there for you. For the moment, all I can tell you is
Luna Power... the pen will do the rest."
"For the moment, all I can tell you is to say 'Luna Power'... the pen will do
the rest."
I'm glad to hear that you've decided to continue this fic. It definitely
left us all hanging to have it end here! Hope my comments help!
--
Ja ne,
LarryF
http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58