First things first: If I don't comment on a specific
suggestion/correction, assume I've adopted it. An excellent job of
spotting weak wording, BTW.
--- Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:
{My goodness. My logs show that I C&Ced Illuminations 21 way back in
January... it's been a busy spring!
* Illuminations *
* A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction *
* By Freemage *
* Chapter Twenty-Two *
She smiled sweetly. "Not a chance."
"Aaarrrgghhh!!"
{Go, Akane! God help you if Ranma ever figures out that this is
verbal
jujitsu and starts practicing, though. :) }
*Chuckle* I've been kind of working on developing Akane a bit, and this
sort of exchange seems to be the result. There's already another one
in the wee bit of 23 that I've finished.
"You even get lost in conversations, don't you? Look. I'm
being... blackmailed. No, don't even bother to ask. If I was
willing to tell people, they couldn't very well be blackmailing
me with it, now could they? I've had enough, though. I think
tomorrow I've got a chance at finding out who 'they' are. And I
want you along in case things turn ugly."
{It took to here the first time before I was sure it was Nabiki and
Ryouga... but perhaps that was because it'd been so long since I read
21. I like this sort of dialogue-only scene, though.}
Hmmm... I might add a minimal passage of description to the
beginning--you actually touched on an uncertainty I had, so there will
probably be some kind of fix/adjustment.
knew he wasn't. She could feel the truth of his words.
{That's, um, pretty amazing, considering how poor she usually is at
telling when he's speaking truth... which underlines the impact of
the
situation rather than seeming OOC.}
Again, part of Akane's development--she's made a vow to herself to
actually try listening to Ranma. This results in, ironically enough,
both fewer arguments AND her winning a larger percentage of the
arguments that do occur.
"Yup. A gift from my dear old Mom, just the thing to remind
{suggest} Mom. Just {or} Mom; just
You have no IDEA how much self-inflicted torture I've been inflicting
on myself since I saw this. ^_^ I'm pretty rough in prereading on
comma-splices, soooo.... Oh, and I'll be using the semi-colon.
me of my dear, departed pet on a chilly evening."
{*FLINCH* Aiya. For him to send her in there unprepared was... almost
cruel of Ranma, excused only by the way he feels about it and his
concern for her safety.}
*Nod* Yup. Just because Akane's winning more frequently DOESN'T mean
she gets through their arguments unscathed....
They slipped out under cover of darkness, before the first
light of dawn. He carried his pack and umbrella, and she, two
thermoses filled with hot water. A note on the table in the
{suggest} Thermos bottles {for one thing, I think it's still
trademarked; for another, it avoids the question of how to form the
plural gracefully. :) }
Hmmm... any idea what the "generic" term is? Anyone who knows and
reads replies to C&C should definitely send that bit of info PRIVATELY.
"Oh." Contrary to popular opinion, he could take a hint. He
shut up. And thought about baseball.
{"baseball"? I don't get it, but I get the feeling I should. Oh
well.}
Ryouga's becoming very aware of Nabiki, largely due to her flirting.
They are now in very close contact--something that we've seen can
have... potent effects on young Hibiki. The usual joke for men trying
to distract themselves from matters of the flesh is that they think
about sports, most typically baseball.
Ranma looked over the bar, impressed. The thugs they had
been "speaking" with were being much more cooperative than the
cooperative than they had been {?}
when the duo had first entered--at least, those few who were
still conscious were, that is.
Actually, the "the" was extraneous; "than when the duo had" will serve
fine.
"Oh, just where we might find some folks who could tell us
how, if we needed to, we could get out of the country, no
questions asked."
{"Let's just say we want to avoid any... Illuminated entanglements."
:) }
*Blinks* Another Lucasian. Set phasers to "recondition". ^_~
Ryouga tried to come up with a reasonable-sounding
objection, but failed miserably. Squaring himself, he followed
Squaring his shoulders, {?}
Nabiki across the street to the St. Jude Orphanage.
Hmmm... I was trying for sort of a "full-body" version of the same
effect, but looking at it now, it doesn't quite come off--the change
will be made.
Ai shot out of her chair and retreated into a back office,
with a cry of, "WaitrightthereTendou-sanandI'msureSisterMaryMar-
garetwillbehappytoseeyourightaway!"
{I would hyphenate between the words, but up to you.}
That one I'll leave alone for now. As you note, it's mainly a point of
style, and this girl is REALLY excited.
Soun approached him and said, sotto voice, "That matter we
sotto voce {Italian: "under [the] voice"}
discussed earlier--you remember? A certain letter? I think
there are a few details that need ironing out...."
I think I looked at that sentence five times before deciding I was
unable to see what was wrong with it, even though I knew SOMETHING
was....
"Oh, that's just a nickname I gave her," she answered the
sergeant. "You know, because she rides like one." To seal the
effect, she ran her tongue lightly over the shell-shocked
Saotome's ear, and was rewarded with a trickle of blood from the
police officer's nose.
{Bwahahaha! The perfect way to paralyze Ranma. :) }
^_^ Nabs needed to let off some steam.
End Chapter Twenty-two
The plot thickens!
The Ranma/Akane confrontation was pretty much what I was expecting,
and
nicely handled.
Many thanks--R&A's scenes were the roughest part of this chapter, and
part of the reason for the long delay.
The Nabiki/Ryouga team is... well, let's just say there's no doubt
about
who's on top. Poor Ryouga. :)
I have NO idea how it came about that Nabiki is sending money to a
cause
whose purpose she doesn't know. It's almost enough to make me wonder
if
there's another cause she DOES know about, and someone behind the
scenes
is confusing the issue. Oh, well, I imagine you'll let us in on the
secret at the appropriate time.
*Snicker* This is meant to be a bit confusing. Nabs has been sending
in her blackmail payments for some time--only now, it seems, her
blackmailers have, by means of a complex ruse, been passing all of the
money along to the charity, in her name. And yes, the reason for all
this will be made more clear in upcoming chapters.
Now let's see--this means I'm supposed to start working on Chapter
23,
right?
Why, however did you guess? :>
Thanks for writing and sharing!
And thank you for the feedback!
--Freemage
Vince Seifert Network Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
CSUS hired me to build their LANs, not to give away the homeworld.
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