At 09:58 pm 20/06/99 EDT, you wrote:

A Moment to be Noticed

By Gregory E. Neric

Tenchi and Co. belong to AiC, TV Tokyo and Pioneer.

All C&C should go to Ronoken@aol.com

Nope, it should go public for this one....

***

Why the hell do I even bother?

'Cause you should?

At first this seemed like one of those "it's not who you think" 
stories, with Sasami or maybe Mihoshi in the narrative role.  
Once you realize it's really Aeka, it pays to re-read from the 
start.

I've been on this planet for over a year now, each day going out of my way

to 

try and please someone who doesn't seem to give a damn either way what I do, 
no matter how hard I try.  At first I thought it was out of love, that he

and 

I were destined to be together.  I thought that this was all a test sent

from 

on high to make sure my love was genuine.  Oh how I've suffered through

these 

agonizing trials, each one worst than the last, and all in the hopes that my 
beloved will notice me, that he will see that I care about him and that he 
will appreciate me.

Start appreciating, damnit!

I will!  I will!

Nice characterization, nothing far-fetched, and doesn't use 
anything new yet adds something fresh.

Oh my.  If I'm not careful I'm going to break something.  Now, where did I 
throw that scrubbing brush.  Ahh... there it is...

 Why can't our lives be simple?  Why...?

Why can't this stain seem to come out?  Really, I must remember to have a 
talk with Sasami about being more careful with her hot cocoa.

It's the little touches like this that help make it work.  With 
the writer, it's contrast and humor; for Aeka, it's being a 
scatterbrain.  Well played.

"What are you..."
"Aeka.  Did you scrub the floors?"

YES!  YES YES YES!  HE NOTICED!  Sore one for the house of Jurai!

                                  ^^^^
Here's the *one* wrong step in the whole thing, one lousy spelling 
error.

Other writer, *puh-leeze* take note of this fic: nicely formatted, 
spacing between paragraphs to make it readable, a good command of 
English, and a little bit of care and a whole lot of love in 
writing it.  *sigh*  Why isn't there more like this, I'd make time 
to start C&Cing again if there were....

"Thank you, oh beautiful princess of Jurai.  I really appreciate it.  These 
floors were getting really dirty, and for you to take Ryoko's job so 
selflessly, I..."

"Excuse me Lord Tenchi, but what do you mean, 'take Ryoko's job?'"

"Well, it's her day to scrub the floors, not yours.  You had the laundry."

He's leaving now.  I didn't have to do this.  This was Ryoko's job today.  I 
just took double duty for that monster woman.  Oh look, here comes Ryoko

with 

a cleaning pail.  

Ryoko doing housecleaning?  That's the one part of this I don't 
buy.  Nope, OOC, shoot the writer, etc. ^_^


Shunsuke

"Go back to Dragon Half."
                         - Nagha, _Slayers_ The Movie