James Chu wrote:
This is not even close to a full fic yet...
That's an understatement! So far, this seems to be a loosely related
series of vignettes; I couldn't get any idea of what the story is going to
be
out of them. All I did get was a.) Keiichi and Bell are married, b.) they
are
a husband and wife team racing for BMW, and c.) this seems to be a cross
country race of some sort. There is no hint of the plot, what's at stake,
or
why they are involved. This fic is probably far too sketchy at this point
for
you to get any good feedback, but I'll give it a shot.
Knowing James, it'll get there sometime...might just take a while though ^_^
This is just personal taste, but "in quick succession" seems
superfluous.
It's implied. After all, this would be silly:
"He rapped once on the door, but stopped as he noticed his shoe was
untied. He corrected the problem with swift, sure motions, marveling at
his
own dexterity. Rising to his feet, he knocked on the door a second time...
darn, his shirt was buttoned in the wrong holes! 'That's what you get when
you
let your wife do it for you', he thought ruefully. After rebuttoning his
shirt, he decided that it was better to be safe than sorry, and pulled a
hand
mirror out of his pocket and checked his hair. Perfect! NOW he was ready.
He
faced his obstinate enemy, the door, with renewed determination. Taking a
heroic stance, he gave it a third, mighty knock; a knock that he was
certain
would resound throughout the history of door knocking. Satisfied with the
results, he turned to the camera."
Actually, knowing James...^_^
It isn't very good for a sentence to be this long. I'd recommend
breaking
it up into at least two sentences..
I dunno. It gives it a more rushed feeling, IMHO.
coiffed hair was slightly out of place, and her zipper was not quite
zipped
up all the way, and Keiichi's hair looked quite a bit wilder than usual.
"Good evening, Mr. Morisato. May have a moment of your time?"
Keiichi looked at Belldandy. Her eyebrows twitched a little.
Keiichi
looked back at the reporter and nodded.
"But make it fast... I have to get Bell to the doctor's and have that
twitch checked out!"
^_^
"Uh, well, we really never made a hard distinction between our
professional and personal view of racing. I think Bell-chan can explain
it
in better terms than I can. Bell?"
Was Keiichi really this wimpy? Recalling his first speech to Skuld
about
having the Norns and Megumi living with him, I can't picture him so terse
about
something he's really passionate about.
Then again, when was the last time Fujishima-sama had put Keiichi in front
of the TV cameras? Maybe he's just suffering from stage fright.
Belldandy wrinked up her forehead slightly and pouted cutely for
a
second a moment before replying, "Our passion for racing is the same
passion
we have for each other. I have faith in my Keiichi. He has faith in
me.
That is all that it takes for us to win."
Yep, Bell definitely needs those facial muscles looked at by a
professional...
"Mother always warned me that my face would freeze if I held it like this
for too long!"
She leaned in and kissed Keiichi on the cheek.
Keiichi looked kind of sheepish for a second before breaking
into a
full faced blush.
No, no, Keiichi... first you blush, _then_ you look embarrassed about
it.
You're right there.
He managed to sputter out, "I guess that's all for now. We
have, um,
business to take care of right now."
He then retreated into the office with Belldandy in tow.
Belldandy
grinned mischeviously out at the reporter before gently closing the
door.
The reporter flicked a rouguish smile at the camera before
signing
off.
The camera man's comment, after shutting the camera down, was
quite
succinct, "Yeesh... Can't they wait 'till they get to a motel?"
You mean... that ISN'T what desks are for?
I didn't know you could drive desks to a motel...
What kind of race is this? Is it cross country? I've only seen
Keiichi in
motorcycle drag racing and track racing.
He did a rally once--against an American team. Probably did other stuff
too, but that's the first thing that popped into my mind.
Skuld wiped the back of her grease stained gloved hands across
her
forehead as she finished tweaking the alternate engine and gave a quick
wave
to Belldandy before going back into the crew trailer to get the last
tires
mounted on their rims.
This makes it sound like she's going to do the job inside the trailer.
Maybe "going back _to_ the crew trailer" would work better?
The white and red Toyota Corolla powerslided around the corner,
"rounded the corner in a power slide,"
"Powerslided around the corner" works, too. I actually like it more than
your suggestion in this case...
"peeled off" is a term normally used for aircraft formation flying.
I'm
getting a weird image of the car shedding its skin...
Maybe the car IS flying...
The driver and co-driver emerged
from
the car and chucked their helmets into the car as they trotted over to
the
crashed car.
If the car had crashed, wouldn't they be out of the race? A little
later,
it sounds more like they slid off the road and got stuck in the ditch.
That's
not a crash; crashing implies that they ran into something.
You're right...but "ditched" doesn't sound good.
Is this supposed to be a cameo of Natsumi and Miyuki from YUA?
Neither of
them has that kind of strength! They are portrayed as ordinary people,
except
for Natsumi's Flintstone braking system.
Um, if you've ever read the manga, you'll see Natsumi picking up semi
trailers and stuff, as well as having the endurance of a Hibiki. I'd say
that this is pretty normal for them.
If this is the same race, you have Keiichi getting into the driver's
seat,
but in the next scene Belldandy is driving. From the little I know about
cross
country racing, you have two people in the car: a driver and a mechanic.
As
far as I know, they don't trade off.
I thought it was a driver and a navigator...? Either way, they're both
drivers, have the ability to navigate, _AND_ do mechanical repairs, so...
Keiichi noted to himself how serene Bell-chan looked when driving, in
spite
of the fact that their jumpsuits were mostly mud encrusted and that the
extremely primitive dirt path that they were taking could only be
loosely
called a road. He wondered what it would be like driving in a
demolition
derby with her as a competitor. Visions of a totally serene and happy
individual ramming a large, beat up car mercylessly into a hapless car
plastered on the side of the arena made him shudder for a moment,
The phrasing here doesn't read very well. Perhaps something like:
"He had a sudden vision of Belldandy sitting at the wheel of a large,
beat
up car. He pictured her with the same totally serene and happy expression
as
she rammed another car mercilessly into an area wall, and shuddered as he
swore
never to..."
Not too shabby. I like your version better. And you spelled "mercilessly"
correctly, too...
Not very familiar with German, are you? "Himmel!" means "heavens!"
and
"Donnerwetter" literally means "thunder weather" or "bad weather". Both
are
expletives, but they are very mild. "Scheisse" means what you probably
think
it does, so it would be more shocking. I'm not used to cursing in German
(they
don't teach useful stuff like that in school), but maybe something like:
"Scheisse! Diese Gottverdammte dinge ist ganz Schrecklich!"
No...I'm guessing that any German he knows is from working on the EVA:R
Project and watching the videos...
Everyone turned around and stared at Skuld.
"Ooops. Heh heh heh. Um... I guess I've been hanging around a little
too
much with the pit crew, eh, Oneechan?" sputtered Skuld, sheepishly.
Hey! She's several hundred years old, regardless of how young she looks!
Give her a break!
---
--
Ja ne,
LarryF
http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58
Ja mata!
Lawrence
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d$$eee$$eeeee$$e | The pain will fade as
,d$P $$ | time goes by,
dP" $$ | What was taken, I won't
$$ | miss or I'll replace
eeeeeeeeeee$$eeeeeeee$$e | Nevermind me,
$$ | I'm all right."
,$$ $$ `b |--"Nevermind Me,"
,$$ $$ `b. | The Bosstones
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