Frey Eriksson wrote:

community as to whether I should keep it going, ot scrap
it. This is just the introductory stages, the villain hasn't
appeared yet. Rest assured, though, when he (she? it?) does,
you'll know.

Hey, I wouldn't mind not knowing all that much.  I like ambiguous
villains.  "Okay, _that one_, he's the bad guy.  I think.  Even though I
can sort of see why he's doing what he's doing."

     'I'm falling,' thought Ranma. 'Well, I don't remember
Akane hittin' me, so I must be dreaming. After all, the
last thing I remember is fallin' asleep.'

If Akane hit him, you'd think he'd be on the floor, not falling.

     WHUMF! Seven forms fell on top of him. Only his hands
poked out in the ever-present warding gesture against
pain, a gesture which didn't really work that well this
time.
     "Aiyah! Airen save Shampoo, now will go on date,
yes?"

<sarcasm>  Oh yes.  After being pulled into an alien world by unknown
forces, the very first thing Shampoo does is ask Ranma on a date. 
</sarcasm>

I know you're just trying to give her some instant identification, but
don't you think Shampoo might have a couple of other things on her mind
right at the moment?

     "Ranma-sama, you have spared my life yet again! How
romantic!"

Okay, Kodachi I can see...

     "Ranma, I don't know how it happened, but it's ALL
YOUR FAULT!"

This is Ryouga, right?

....

Well, you certainly make it clear which character is the center of this
story.  The first thing each and every one of the other characters does
is to talk to Ranma.

     "Accursed Sorcerer, I know not how thou didst abscond
with us to your hellish realm, but I assure you, the Blue
Thunder of Furinkan High demands vengeance!"
     "Shampoo, my love, are you hurt?"

Okay, except for Mousse.

     "Ranma, honey, are you okay?"
     "Ranma no baka! What have you gone and gotten us into
now?"

No, this isn't right.  When thrust into a strange situation like this
one, Akane's first urge would be to pull closer to Ranma, not blame
him.  Blaming him comes when she feels a little more secure.

     Their only answer was a muffled groan from underneath
them. They spent the next several minutes untangling them-
selves, while two individuals looked on.
     "Not exactly what I expected from adventurers from
another world," muttered N'akaaran. "And I thought you
said they'd appear at about ground level."

How exactly do you define an "adventurer" anyway?

     Boven simply huffed. "It's not my fault if you got

Whenever I read this guy's name, I think "bovine".  I've got this mental
picture of a talking cow.

the mist from somewhat more than thirty miles deep. And
they fit the requirements of the spell. I asked for the
bravest young band of warriors and adventurers, who would
be most capable of handling a journey to another world."
     The reptile eyed the ensuing brawl in the crater.

Which reptile?  Maybe I should have read the prologue....

"You didn't specify they had to be friends, did you?"
     "No, why?"

Well, "band" does sort of imply that they work together and form some
sort of common group.

     "So, you see, the one responsible for bringing you
to Tayren is me," concluded Boven. "There really was no
reason to attack the pigtailed boy like that."

This is one brave man.  He admitts to a bunch of impressively skillful
fighters that he was responsible for kidnapping them?  After seeing what
they did to the guy who they first thought kidnapped them?

     Kuno regarded the mage. "Then you are a practitioner
of the sorcerous arts?"
     "Why, yes. Grand Archmage Boven, at your service." He
smiled broadly. with his chubby face, the smile was very
broad, indeed. "Would you like me to show you?"

I guess kidnapping people is an accepted part of the culture there.  He
certianly doesn't seem prepared for hostility.

     "I knw the truth, now! You are the black magician who
did instruct the cowardly Ranma Saotome in his demonic
powers, and thus keeps the pigtailed goddess in thrall, as
well as the beauteous Akane Tendo!" He drew his bokken,
and started to charge the now terrified older man.

Note: Kidnapped warriors have prejudice against magic.

     "Just shut UP!" growled Akane, as her foot met Kuno's
face. It's a good thing her form was a little off, or he
would have collided with the Great barrier, thirty miles
up. As it was, he performed a perfect triple and a half

Come on,  Akane can't kick anyone thirty miles!  (Even Blade wouldn't
claim that.)

back somersault, ending in a one point landing on his
forehead.
     Ryouga held up a sign that said "8.6" . Ranma held up
one that said "8.3". Mousse held up one that said "3.7".
They glared a him, and he shrugged. It's always the judge
from China.

Hee.  Good one.

     "Well, anyway, my name is Boven, like I said. My
companion is N'akaaran, and we welcome you to the world of
Tayren." The mage bowed, slightly, and straightened
immediately as one of the gold buttons popped off his
doublet. To his credit, his embarrassment didn't show on
his face too much.
     "Hiya," said the Akiir, waving.

Who's Akiir?

     "Nice ta meetcha. I'm Saotome Ranma." He gave a brief
bow.
     "Tendo Akane, his fiancee." She likewise bowed.

They're being awfully friendly....

     "What do you mean, 'his fiancee'? He's my fiancee,
too!"
     "Ranma Shampoo's airen, not stupid spatula girl or
crazy violent girl's fi...fian...airen!"

Mixing a little Japanese or Chinese in a fic is one thing.

Drawing attention to what language the characters are really speaking is
just a bad move.  (Maybe iika...  iiko.... airen!")

For that matter, what language is Boven speaking?

     "Ohohohoho! Ranma-sama could not possibly care for
such lowborns as you! I am the only woman with the proper
breeding and culture to care for him! I, Kuno Kodachi, the
Black Rose! OHOHOHOHOHO!"

Watching them all starting to fight about Ranma every thirty seconds is
going to get annoying quickly.

Could you possibly give the characters a little more dimension than to
imply that the only thought that runs through their head is "RANMA RANMA
RANMA."

I mean, I know he's important to them all, in one way or another. 
However, they should be capable of worrying about other things.  Even
Kodachi.

     Feeling where this little introduction session was
leading, N'akaara walked away, and decided to go ahead and
start fishing for tonight's dinner. After baiting the
hook and wedging his pole between three rocks, he leaned
back against a tree. A quick kick, and the line bounced
out into the small stream he sat beside. Soon, the chaotic
sounds of battle struggled against his desire to sleep.
Sleep won.

How come it's the original character that seem so much better
thought-out?

                    ********************

     A few minutes, and one very large fish later, the
guide walked back to his charge, and the eight strange
warriors. They appeared to have calmed down, and there
was at least part of the forest left standing. They were

A better idea of how they compare to Tayren fighters, if you please. 
Are they merely "good" or "great" or....

You know, do the Ranma characters really have that many casual brawls? 
I mean, what is this, three in the space of a half hour?

divided across the campsite. On one side, the bespectacled
mage was virtually interrogating another figure with
glasses. "Oh, you're back. I was just asking Mousse, here,
how he manages to hide such large weapons under his
robe."

Pssshaw.  Doesn't he know that a magician never reveals his secrets?

Besides, can't most Tayren fighters do the same thing?  If they can't, I
don't know it.

     Fortunately, Akiir have eyebrows, and N'akaara's left

Lizards with eyebrows?  (Should have read that prologue.)

one rose about half an inch. He looked to his left, where
the girl with the large spatula, the angry girl with the
mallet, and the pigtailed boy sat. He was stuffing his

Who's the angry girl with the mallet?  Wait, that's Kodachi, right? 
We've seen her carrying a mallet as a weapon before.

face with what appeared to be some sort of flat bread,
with weird sauces on top of it, while the angry girl just

I believe this.  Ukyou is prepared to cook anywhere.  Though she'll have
to restock on ingredients sooner or later.

glared at him, and the other girl. Off to one side, the

Akane is the friendly one.  If any of them should be over talking to
Boven and Akiir, it should be her.

girl with purple hair was hurriedly stirring a pot of
something, often looking up to stare angrily at the other
two girls. He couldn't find the fourth girl, the one in

Everyone seems a _lot_ angrier at each other than I was expecting. 
Usually Shampoo is rather mellow about her rivals.  (Not friends, but
not a seething cauldron of resentment either.)

Did something happen before they arrived to put such tension in the air?

the leotard, until he saw the ribbon-wrappd form of the
girl at the edge of the clearing. Some sort of club was
sticking out of her mouth, and she was hung by her ankles
from a hoop, the outside of which looked pretty sharp

Who did that!?  I honestly think Kodachi could be shut up by lesser
measures.

You know, if this is the best sort of cooperation they can handle, the
Ranma gang is easy meat for the "bad guy".

The hoop, itself, was dangling from a stout branch. The
wooden sword boy was completely unconscious, muttering
something about 'pig-tailed goddess', and 'the tigress,
Akane'. He saw absolutely no sign of the boy with the
bandanna.
     "So, Mousse, who are all of you?" N'akaaran motioned
around the impromptu campsite.
     "Well, we're martial artists. Most of them are from
Japan, but Shampoo and I are from China."

Is Mousse explaining this in Japanese or Chinese?

     "Um, that's all well and good, but since you're from
a different world, those locations don't mean anything. I
meant, what are your names? And what's a 'martial artist'?"

Root 'martial' is related to conflict or war.  You'd think he could
puzzle it out.

     "Oh, sorry. I'm Mousse, master of hidden weapons. Over
there, the absolutely gorgeuos girl stirring the ramen, is

But where did they get ramen?  You'd think Ukyou would just cook for
everyone.

Shampoo, love of my life. The jerk in red stuffing his face
is Saotome Ranma, and the girls with him are Kuonji Ukyou,
with the long hair, and Tendo Akane, with the short hair.
The guy knocked out over there is Kuno Tatewaki, and his
crazy sister Kodahi is the cocoon hanging up over there. And
it looks like Ryouga got himself lost again." Mousse adjusted
his glasses a moment. "As for 'martial artist', that means
we are fighters. Most of us are trained with some form of
weapon form, but Ranma there calls weapons a weakness, and

I don't think Ranma has ever called weapons a weakness in canon, nor is
there any real evidence he thinks of them that way.  (He isn't stupid,
after all.)

Does Mousse actually use the term "martial artist" in the first place? 
And is that how he would have identified everyone?

"Oh, those are a bunch of Japanese high school students.  Shampoo and I
are warriors from our tribe."

or alternatively

"Feh.  Why should I answer your questions?"

Akane only uses her hammer to bash Ranma on occasion. I
think."

As do I, Ukyou, Shampoo, Ryouga, his Dad....

Face it.  Using the hammer as a gag is fine.  Having the characters
actually mention it is probably too much controversy to be worth the
trouble.

     "An unarmed fighter? How does he keep from being
killed?" queried Boven.
     "One word - speed. I'm fast, myself, but the only
person I have ever seen that is faster than him is the old
monke...er, Shampoo's great-grandmother, Cologne." Mousse

And Happosai (by a lot).  And Pantyhose Tarou.

For that matter, Shampoo seems to do okay without weapons herself.

Don't they have any unarmed fighters on Tayren?  Or is Boven just not an
expert and thus has little idea what he's talking about?

idly wondered why he was using the Japanese mutilations of
his name, and the other two amazon names, then lost track
of that thought quickly.

I always figured it was a fad in the village to use foreign loan words
as names.

(And I can rationalize away seeing the Chinese versions in the manga. 
Oh yes I can!)

And still no clue what language Mousse is speaking.

     "I said, he's eating my okonomiyaki! Get lost, bimbo!"

Such hostility....

     A quick look convinced N'akaaran that it was about to
happen again. Sighing, he made a quick flap to fly over,

Fly?

and land in the middle of the soon-to-be squabble. "Please.
Consider yourself as guests of myself and the wizard. Are
you so uncultured as to do this everywhere you are guests?"

Or they could consider themselves kidnap victims.  Still having a hard
time seeing none of this unusual tension directed at the strangers. 
They might fight amongst themselves, but you'd think a little more
solidarity in front of strange outsiders.

     The statement stopped them cold. Ukyou was in the

It did?  He must sound a lot more convincing in person.  Did he use some
kind of Darth Vaderish voice?

middle of unstrapping her huge spatula, and Shampoo had
pulled out her bonbori, while Akane merely started to glow.

What?  Like a light bulb?

The trouble to me is that the Ranma charcters are acting virtually
interchangable.  They're all reacting the same way to the situation, and
that can't be right.

In the uneasy silence, Ranma took advantage of the oppor-
tunity to scarf down the last okonomiyaki, and guzzle the
ramen, as well. Unfortunately, he didn't notice one small
piece of noodle was now resting on the tip of his nose.

This I can see.  And why introduce Ryouga if you're going to lose him
this quickly?  He doesn't normally get lost unless he's distracted or
trying to go somewhere.

     Akane noticed the ramen piece first. Her glow faded.
Her face fought a valiant battle, worthy of Horatious at
the Bridge, but ultimately lost. A grin cracked her anger

Who?

like a cheap porcelain mask, and a snicker escaped. The
other two girls looked at her as if she had lost her mind,
then noticed what she was chuckling about. The absurdity of
it reached out and smacked them both, and they tried to
hold back laughter.
     "What?" asked Ranma. He looked back and forth from one
girl to the next, unwittingly causing the noodle to whip
back and forth without dislodging. N'akaaran noticed it
now, and showed no more self-restraint than the girls.
Soon, the four of them were rolling on the ground,

Oh, I doubt it's that funny.

laughing, as Ranma sat there utterly confused. Across the
clearing, Mousse and Boven shook their heads, and continued
to discuss the use of weaponspace.

NOTES: Yes, I do use the concept of weaponspace

You might want to consider NOT using it.  Just a thought.

(hammerspace, bonborispace, okonomyakispace, whatever),
at least in this fic. The reason Ranma was falling first
was simply one of the Murphy's Laws of Ranma: Anytime
something bad happens to a lot of people at nearly the same
time, it'll happen to Ranma first. Yes, something is making
Mousse refer to himself and his fellow amazons by ther
warped Japanese names, but its just because I've seen out

Why not just make it so no one else's ears notice the difference, and
not mention it at all?

They're called 'Mousse' and 'Shampoo" because they introduced
_themselves_ that way!


Summary Comments:  I'd take out a lot of the early squabbling and use
the space for more desciptions.  I still don't have a good idea of where
they are or what it looks like.  Is it a forest?  What color is the
sky?  The grass?  Is it cold?  Warm?  Temperate?  Does it look like it
rains often or is it a very dry place?  Are there any roads around?  Why
did Boven do his summoning here, instead of nearer to civilization? What
does he want from them?  Why aren't they treating him with more
hostility?  Why is there such an unusual level of hostility amongst
themselves?  Why has no one demanded that they be immediately returned
home?  How would Boven respond to such a request?  Why hasn't Boven
still got around to explaining why he did this to them?  Why isn't Boven
more concerned that one of his charges (who he bears total
responsibility for) has disappeared?

Questions like that are bugging me about this story.

-- 
Matthew Campbell
E-mail: mgcampb@clemson.edu

"Margaret's explanation, which I liked better, was that you 
had to learn a culture until you knew whether the person on 
the other side of the table was following a cultural norm 
different from yours, or just an asshole."

- EARTH MADE OF GLASS by John Barnes