Here's my first C&C ever, so feel free to C&C my C&C. - Beky



"Gomen nasai, gaijin-sama.  My mother is waiting for me.


X: Gaijin-sama? Interesting oxymoron, considering the Japanese attitude 
towards foreigners. Should have tipped him off *G*





"I lifted it from a perverted gaijin at the Jigoku Tabemasu a few
hours ago."

X: Now thats more like it!




     Miwaku whirled around, her arms flowing in rhythm with voice.
"You should have seen me, I was incredible.  I played it sweat and
shy.  He never knew what hit him."


X: Sweat and shy, hmm? *EG* Maybe sweet was more what you had in mind.




     Miwaku had found some strange things in her time on the
streets, religious idols, strange jewelry, but never mummified arms
in a suitcase.  The levity of it finally began to sink in.  Maybe
this was more than simply weird.


X: Levity isn't the word you want here. The sentence (as is) makes it seem 
like she thinks the situation is funny. You were thinking of the GRAVITY of 
the situation.






     Miwaku twisted around to look at the old woman, she wasn't
unattractive, even in spite of her age.  Her body was taught, her
skin was like fine tissue paper, very different from the other old
ladies Miwaku had seen.




X: not taught - taut






The Priestess had a warm smile.  Miwaku
felt lightheaded.  Clumps of wet hair clung to her face and lips.
She started to speak, but nothing came out.  Her eyes felt as though
they were liquid and would poor out of her head.  Miwaku turned
away, she could feel a single tear roll down her cheek.  She hated
crying, it was a sign of weakness.  Showing weakness made you a
target on the streets.  All her life she prided herself on being
head strong and tough.  No matter what was thrown at her, she could





X: nix the head, it detracts from the moment


"This book talks of a demon goddess with 12 arms.  She desimated
half of Tibet and what would now be the Chinese border over 1000
years ago."



X: sp: desimated -> decimated




	Interesting story - planning on a continuation?

					Beky


_______________________________________________________________
Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit http://www.msn.com