Sean Hayden <shaden@mediaone.net> wrote:
First off the following paragraphs make a great
introduction, buut, maybe something to denote it as the
beginning of the story, I thought they were the authors
notes. :)
I don't believe all that much in author's notes :)
the code. I knew it was unwise to simply download and execute the
binary but, Bliss notwithstanding, there are no Linux viruses,
right? I decided to take my chances.
/*
"I knew it was unwise to simply download and execute the binary but as far
as I knew, there aren't any Linux viruses. I decided to take my chances."
Bliss notwithstanding? Er. It doesn't make any sense in the context.
*/
// No viruses, but trojans aplenty.
Bliss is, in fact, a trojan horse, but so is the "Lan"
program. Two years ago (when I wrote that paragraph)
there were no Linux viruses (I don't know nowadays),
but Bliss was in the news. I mentioned it because if
you think about it, Lan turns out to be "bliss" in
more ways than one.
// The introduction is a little sparse. It doesn't set the scene...
Well, it's a matter of aesthetics. I like brief, not
to mention precious little time to write.
s/breath/breathe
Typo time!
// Once again, I feel like you're skimping on the scene here. I'm not sure how
// to describe it, but it feels very terse.
Conciseness is a virtue to the lazy, I guess :)
// What? No pipe to more? Big console, eh? <g>
Or "less", in my case ;)
// Nit pick, ellipsis is only three periods.
Yeah, but I like those little dots....
"BAKA!!!"
// Ok, I'll bite, what's with the Japanese at this point? I think some more
// reasoning on this would be justified other than, "She watched my anime
// collection.
Video and computers girls (IMO at least), know Japanese
by default because of the Hayashibara Law Of Sounding
Cute When Pronouncing "Garl"
Seriously though, "Lan" is a self-aware "Magical Girl",
and the story makes a bit of fun at the concept.
Winter nights are pretty bloody cold in these parts. I had a good
// Ah hah! Canadian!
Eh?
s/puf/poof
Oops, wrong onomatopoeia.
// Jarring change of scene.
Me thinks of dis, dis scene change, dat me no follow
dis scene.
Oops! Wrong Jar :)
a bit on the short side, no more than 155, and rather thin, at
// 155 what?
Inches? Angstroms?
CGS is probably the way to go here.
// Nitpick... The "baka"-this and "baka"-that is a
little, umm. Irritating // after a bit. As the saying
goes, "The once in a blue moon, Mein Gott, goes // a
long way in establishing the Germanic tongue in prose.
Just don't start // loading the dialogue with every
german word you can think of." // Ok, it's not a saying,
but I just made it one.
Yeah, it _is_ irritating! :)
// Damn?
As in "I'm too tired to think up a good closure here. Damn!"
Take these comments with a grain of salt.
I always do :)
Ok, random thoughts so far: First off, the story is
great, the characters are good. 1) Lan-chan seems OOC
sometimes with the way you have set her up. 2) This is
Thanks!
Recall, though, my description of "fickle Lan". I know,
it's short, but there's that conciseness thing again :)
a good story as I said before, but at points it smells
of an SI or "Wish Fulfillment". I'm guilty of both, but
there are points were some polish would do well. 3)
Yes, it's SI/WF, but self-awareness of this fact runs
throughout the story, e.g. the scene at the video store.
I'm not one to polish much, I'm afraid....
What the heck is this guy's name? 4) Tense problems
here and there as well as falling into the stream of
conciousness trap. 5) There seem to be gaps in the
Of course he can't have a name, it would spoil reader
identification, particularly since the story is written
in first person.
And yes, writing late at night made me tense every
once in a while, thinking about the dreary day ahead
of me :P
WhatswrongwithstreamofconciousnessIdontgetitif
JoycecandoitwhycantIeh?
Why is it a "trap" if I use SOC exposition, but so
beautiful when Lem employs it in "Solaris"? I'm no Lem, but
in itself there's nothing wrong with it.
story. I feel like this should be 20 or 30 pages
longer, to really develop your characters, the scene and
what not. While you may not like the idea of rescuing
Lan-chan in the nick of time, having that swedish patch
pop through might be what it needs to develop things.
That patch could easily hold for at least X amount of
time, until the mem leak starts to reoccur. Or not. ^_^
Truth is, I'm not interested in setting up scenes or
developing characters (!). In highly "visual" stories I can
go on forever describing the subtle complexities of an image
I like, but otherwise mundane descriptions and dialogue bore
me a bit (mainly because I'm bad at it)
Maybe I just liked the story. 6) While I understand
what the top and ps output means, I doubt that there are
more than a dozen people who are avid fanfic readers do.
You may want to consider condensing and clarifying.
Nah :)
Thanks for the C&C!
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