Freemage <freemage@yahoo.com> wrote:

    "Listen to me, Ranma, and listen good.  You aren't going to
drive me off again with a bunch of insults.  No matter how mad
you make me, I'll just stick that much closer to you.  However,
that doesn't mean I can't put you in a world of hurt.  Now just
drop the insults and _maybe_ we can discuss this rationally."

    Ranma sighed.  "Okay, Akane.  If I explain to you
rationally why you have to let me do this on my own, will you
do it?"

    She smiled sweetly.  "Not a chance."

    "Aaarrrgghhh!!"

Nice scene. Very good handling of Akane.

    "You've never done it.  Not once.  All those times, and you
never once told me the engagement was over.  I broke it every
other week, but you just stuck it out, waited for the storms to
pass.

Actually, she's only broken it a couple of times.

 But if you really think I can't hack being part of your
life, then we'd be better off not engaged at all, right?  So if
you can do that, then I'll leave.  Otherwise," she paused, eyes
flashing, as prayers raced through her head with astounding
speed, "there's no way in Hell I'm going anywhere."

Isn't this one of your own pet peeves? You can't pause a line of dialog.
The part about her pausing and the prayers racing should be a seperate
sentence.

   Ranma looked over the bar, impressed.  The thugs they had
been "speaking" with were being much more cooperative than the
when the duo had first entered--at least, those few who were
still conscious were, that is.

more cooperative then the what? Missing a noun, or the "the" shouldn't
be there.

   "Hello?  Nerima PD?  Yes, I'd like to make an anonymous
report.  You see, there are these two horrible thugs trashing a
bar--the Happy Honeybee."

"Yes, they're martial artists. I-- hello? Hello??"

BTW, there shouldn't be an ending quote in the paragraph above, as the
same speaker continues in the beginning of the next paragraph.

   "Yes?" replied the girl behind the desk.  She was clad in the
usual Catholic school-girl outfit, and chewing gum in a bored
fashion.

Somehow I'd reword this... at first glance I thought she was clad in
chewing gum.

   Nabiki stared for a moment, muttered, "I could get used
to that kind of respect," then set about reviving Ryouga.  She
had just finished and was standing up to give him some room when
her quarry bustled in, crackling with energy.  "Oh, I'm so glad
you've decided to visit us at last, Tendou-san!" she said,
grasping Nabiki's hand with both of hers.

Only one speaker per paragraph, please.

   "Why, it's been... let's see, three years now, hasn't it,
Ai?"  The young girl, who had returned to the receptionist's
desk outside of Nabiki's notice, nodded vigorously.  "I must
admit, when you first contacted us, I thought your request
for--how was it you phrased it?  Oh yes, 'professional
distance', was a little odd, but we've had other shy donors, and
I was not about to turn down any source of funds."

Nice twist on Nabby's character. Very creative idea.

   At several points, Nabiki had to deflect questions as 'Emem'
tried to find out why and how such a young girl was providing so
much cash to their group, but the nun realized her reticence
fairly quickly and chose to respect it, at least as far as
Nabiki could tell.

But there's a story there, and you'll tell us eventually, right? :)

   Nabiki allowed herself a moment of satisfaction as the
sergeant led in Ranma and Akane, both looking very sheepish.  A
playful grin on her face, she drawled, "Well, well, imagine
running into you two here.  I can't wait to here this one."

hear

   As both of her victims began to speak at once, overriding
each other and creating a general cacophony, she held up her
hand in a gesture of halting.  "On the other hand, perhaps I can
wait," she sighed.  "I'd rather we didn't start a brawl here in

wait." She

Hot Damn!!  It's out, it's done.  Lara, you can put away those sharp
knives, now.... ~_^

Now let's see--this means I'm supposed to start working on Chapter 23,
right?

Yep! We've still got a few knives left!

Anyway, it was a good read. A bit low on descriptions, but maybe that's
intentional to give it a mysterious sort of feel. Hope it won't take as
long for the next one. :)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html