Nuku Nuku fanfic!  Sugoi!  So few of these that aren't crossovers and
the like.

Minor note:  I always make my comments as I'm reading the story for
the first time.  So this contains my reactions as well as any grammar
notes etc.

"No, really, Arisa," she said to her officemate, who was
lining up a dart at a poster-size blowup of an attractive girl
with long pink hair wearing a high-school uniform.

Pink?  I'm not sure I would call it pink.  Scarlet?  Purple?  Red?
The hair *is* kinda of variably colored.  But I don't think it's ever
really "pink".  The figurine I have on my desk (I'm looking at it now)
is definitely red.

Kyoko briefly considered a snide comment about Arisa's brain-
mouth coordination, thought better of it, and tried again.

hehehehe

"Bring me the NK-1124."

Kyoko and Arisa glanced at each other.  "You mean Natsume
Atsuko?" Kyoko asked carefully.

"Nuku-Nuku?" Arisa chimed in.

Minor characterization note:  Arisa and Kyoko are among the last to
grant Nuku Nuku any humanity.  They usually refer to her as "the
android".

"Open communication to Central," she told the cube in a
language that was not of Earthly origin.

Hmm.  So far this had been very standard Nuku Nuku.  Now we're going
decidedly somewhere else.  :)

"Darshian out."  Akiko touched the cube again, then
straightened and walked back to her desk, absently
rubbing the small device tucked behind the curve of
her right ear.

Hmm.  So is Akiko always been one of these technocrats, or is this a
fembot?  Guess we'll find out later.  :)

"Oh, please, Ryunosuke, can I?" she pleaded.  "I've
been good for a whole month-- well, almost."  She
guiltily recalled The Incident With The Soda-Vending
Machine.

Hehehehehe.  Very nice.

Arisa watched in disbelief from the cab as Nuku-Nuku sailed
over her head and landed behind her.

Dunno if "disbelief" is the right word; Arisa's seen her do this kind
of stuff before.  Perhaps something more along the lines of "Arisa
blanched as Nuku Nuku..."

Arisa recovered her senses and staggered out of the smashed
Spider.  "What a mess," she groaned, surveying the wreckage.

Nice battle between Nuku Nuku and the Spider.  Well-choreographed.

     Kyoko watched, dumbfounded.  "She's crazy," she said with
feeling.  Arisa nodded.  "I wish I was that crazy," Kyoko added.
Arisa nodded again.

Heh.  Again, very nice.

"Hssss!"  Nuku-Nuku had bared her teeth and was backing
slowly away from Akiko.  Her enhanced sensors were
deployed. "You're not Mama-san!  What have you done
with Mama-san?!"

Answers that question.  She's a fembot.

"Surrender before we get hurt," Arisa added hopefully.

:D  :D  :D  :D  :D

This *sounds* like an oft-used line, but it's the first time I've
heard it.  :)

     "I need to modify your systems a little."

     "Um... will it tickle, Papa-san?" Nuku-Nuku asked guardedly.

     "No, I can switch you off while I do it."

     There was a brief silence.

     "Nuku-Nuku would rather it tickled, Papa-san."

Heh.  Another neat moment.  You're quite good at these.

"You didn't even TRY another way!  If you'd ASKED us, maybe
we could have helped you!"

"Child, I will not bandy words with you."

"That means I can't think of a good counter-argument, so I'll retreat
into self-important posturing."

     Mareg was feeling a little like a basketball player who
found himself trying to fly a jet fighter: there was plenty of
power, but the cockpit was terribly cramped.  Suddenly he felt
the psychic equivalent of a small gray cat that had been riding
behind the headrest leaping out joyfully to pursue a rubber
mouse.  Simultaneously, something inconvenient happened to the
controls, and the seat opened up and swallowed him--

Great.  Loved this description.

Darshian was left standing alone in the huge office of
Natsume Akiko.  From deep within her, she felt a sudden,
alien urge to chew on a handkerchief and cry.

Well, that was interesting.

The resolution was a bit quick and easy, but that's okay in a story of
this length.  And would the aliens really be happy in android bodies?
There are advantages to biology, after all.  And I'm not so certain
that Kyusaku and Ryunnosuke would so easily accept Akiko being
controlled by an alien.

I also felt like I was missing out on a backstory, like this was a
crossover between a series I knew and a series I didn't know.  It'd be
nice to add just a little more detail on who these aliens are and how
they got to Earth.

That all having been said, I'm not sure you should change anything.
The story is very good already, and I fear more tinkering with it
might not be to its benefit.  I know from experience that making too
many changes can just destroy a story.

You've got the characterizations of the cast down pat.  I loved your
Nuku Nuku, and Kyusaku was also wonderfully portrayed.  Technically,
the writing was above excellent, losing points only for too many
compound sentences and the occasional "?!", which by the strictest use
of grammar is not acceptable.  (I used to use it all the time myself;
I'm trying to cut down.  ^_^).

The conversations were great and you had some wonderful moments in
there.

Is this all there will be to the story?  Do you plan a follow-up or is
the ultimate resolution implied?

Again, very good.  I enjoyed it.

Vince Seifert

-Richard