Nope, you didn't miss the fic.  I'm C&Cing a story that wasn't
actually posted to the list!  (It was announced here, though.)
If you want to follow along, the fic is by Joseph Palmer, at:

    http://www.best.com/~jpalmer/fanfic/Yellow.shtml

Any non-ascii characters or wrapping problems are from the HTML
to text conversion, and are not J. Palmer's fault.  He did a great
job of using HTML's character entities, formatting, and stylesheets
to make a platform- and browser-independent fic.

C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.  Because it is an HTML medium,
I will have some HTML comments.  You have been warned.



The <title> of the page is "******".
I think "Yellow" might be better.  :j

Also, I strongly encourage consistent capitalization in URLs.
I would make Yellow.shtml lowercase.

Home / Ranma 1/2 Fanfictions / Yellow

If you're using this form of navigational aid, you should probably
make "Home" say something useful for the people who arrived directly
at this page.  Like "J. Palmer's Homepage".  Also, you might consider
using colons as separators, what with the slash in Ranma 1/2.  Or
just say "Home / Ranma Fanfictions / Yellow"

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter4 -NEW- June 12, 1999


  ------------------------------------------------------------------------



Yellow

By Joseph Palmer
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would put the title at the top, below the navigational aid, and
make it clear that the chapters are links *within this page* (i.e.,
it's a table of contents).

The file is 70k long, which takes over twenty seconds to load on
my wee modem.  I immediately clicked on Chapter 4, which made the
browser *stop* loading, and go to the bottom of what is had loaded
so far (somewhere in chapter 1).

If I had known these weren't links to other pages, I would have
waited for the whole thing to load.

Now, to be fair, you did say on your homepage that you formatted
the *whole* story into CSS, and added chapter links, but some
people will link directly to Yellow.shtml without going through
your homepage.  (Like the top of this email!)

You could also split each chapter into its own page.  I noticed
that your fanfiction page already includes an individual page for
Parts 1-2, and another for Part 3, but you don't have an individual
page for Part 4.  Instead, it's only available with all the other
parts.

Either put each chapter onto its own page, or direct the links
for Parts 1, 2, and 3 from your homepage to the appropriate sections
of Yellow.shtml.

Chapter 1

    "Kasumi, do we have any yellow thread?" Akane rushed into the living
room and began rummaging through the sewing basket.

A good opening, with a nice tie-in to the title.

[...]

    "But I've finished so I'm not busy right now."

punc:  finished, so

What has Kasumi finished?

[...]

    "Mmm. Okay -" Nabiki paused, biting her cheek. "Thanks!" She bounded
back upstairs.

suggest:  biting the inside of her cheek

[...]

    "I can't find my overnight bag, do you know where it is?"

    "It's in the front closet, I'll get it."

punc:  front closet.  I'll get it.

    "No, no, don't get up, I'll get it!" He rushed out, leaving Kasumi with
her tea. He returned in a moment. "Swimsuit?" he asked.

punc:  get up.  I'll get it.

The path of a true martial artist is fraught with indecision.  :)

[...]

    "Stacked with your other clean clothes. I did laundry today." Soun
stood motionless. "I put it in your room."

suggest:  did the laundry today

    Kasumi wrapped her teacup in both hands, the warmth soaking into her
fingers and palms. She sipped the last of the tea and put the cup down in
front of her. She smiled. Tomorrow is going be a lot of fun, she thought.

suggest: cup down in front of her, smiling
(repeated sentences starting with "she" are uninteresting)

    "Ne, brother, How about her?" 16 year old Mariko Tanaka was engaging in
her favorite activity, matchmaking.

    "Where?" 18 year old Souichi Tanaka was engaging in his least favorite
activity, fending off his sister's attempts at matchmaking.

suggest:  sixteen year old
suggest:  eighteen year old
(Spell out small numbers.  There are a couple other instances later on.)

    "Red boots and purse".

punc:  and purse."

[...]

    "Last I saw them they were headed for the shops, we still have twenty
minutes before the train leaves, do you want to go poke around?"

I thought she said all his does is *look* at the girls?  ;)

    "No, I'm going to save my money for Hakone."

suggest:  for when we're at Hakone."
(Make it clear that it's a place, not a person.)

[...]

    "Hey, sis, how about you? Maybe we should find a boy for you."

    "Mmmmm?"

    "Aha! There, that one, yellow and black bandana."

    "Oh, he is really cute, nice muscles, but he has that 'lost' look"

I thought girls *like* the lost look.  :)
Activates their maternal instincts, or somethin'...

[...]

    "Ne-chan, how about him, long hair, white robe."

Is this some sort of form of brother I'm not familiar with?
I thought it would be onii-chan, or some such.

[...]

    "Just coming in. He's with the big guy in the Judo gi, and the pretty
woman in the kimono."

suggest:  guy in the gi,
(I don't think gis are identifiable as Judo, Karate, Kenpo, Akido, etc.)

[...]

    "Mmmmmm." Mariko looked over the group.

    "I translate that to: 'he's cute, but there's something about him...'"

    "Yup." She nodded knowingly. "He's taken. It's the way he keeps looking
around. He's waiting for someone."

    "Mmmm?" Souichi asked.

    Mariko elbowed her brother. "Do you have any idea what you said just
now?"

    "No, What did I say?"

    "It's... It's... Well... It's just not something you should ask your
sister, that's all, okay?"

    Soichi gave his sister a confused look.

The reader is giving the author the same look.

    Mariko pouted, then a smile broke across her lips. She began to giggle,
covering her mouth with her hand.

    "Brother, you are SO gullible."

Instead of using caps like this, I suggest you take advantage of the
HTML formatting and use small caps:  Brother, you are <SMALL>SO</SMALL>
gullible.

This is the sort of think they do in magazines and novels, which
was the intent of publishing your fics in HTML-only form, right?

[...]

    "Ne, brother, what's wrong?" she whispered. Her brother did not answer.
"Brother?" she asked again.

Okay, this further confuses me about the "Ne-chan" line.  Here she
*is* saying brother, but in English.  What did the other one mean?

Out of curiosity, do you feel that inserting Japanese words gives
your fic a stronger impact, or makes it better in some way?  A lot
of the words end up having in-line translations into English anyway.

[...]

    "Mm-Mm." He shook his head.

suggest:  "Uh-uh."
(The line is a little awkward, as it looks like a hungry/tasty
sound effect, combined with a negative head motion.  Does this
relate to Mariko's "Mmmmm of many meanings"?)

[...]

    When the boy reached her there was an embarrassed pause as they both
became aware of the public surroundings, and their families' watchful gaze.
The girl in red offered the bag and the boy took it, then nearly dropped
it. He made a show of complaining about the weight, but then flipped it
over his shoulder as if it were empty.

Heh.  There's Ranma for you.

[...]

    "Poor brother. It'd just be saying 'hi'. Hmmph. Anyway, what does it
matter, they're going to get on a train, and go one way, then we're going
to get on a train and go another, you'll probably never see her again."

punc:  what does it matter?  They're going
punc:  on a train and go one way,

    At that moment the group headed for the stairs, lead by the woman in
the kimono who walked with the tallest girl, followed by the men, who were
laughing and carrying on together like school boys, then came the couple in
red, the boy carried both bags, and lastly, the girl in the gold top. She
took a couple of steps then stopped and looked right at Mariko and Souichi.
He blushed and looked away for a moment, when he looked back, the girl
smiled at him, then turned and left.

suggest:  At that moment the group headed for the stairs, lead by
the woman in the kimono, walking alongside tallest girl.  The two
women were followed by the men, laughing and carrying on together
like school boys.  They, in turn, were followed by the couple in
red, and lastly, the girl in the gold top.
(That's a LONG sentence, with some grammatical problems.
Break it up!)

[...]

    "NABIKI!" The hiss turned to a growl. Akane glared at her sister, and
blushed.

Back to my small caps suggestion.  This line would be:
"N<SMALL>ABIKI</SMALL>!"

    "Auntie, I really don't think that putting Ranma and Akane in their own
room a very good idea," Kasumi pleaded.

"They'll have sex with each other and make all sorts of weird noises
and keep us up all night and they'll end up having children and I'll
be stuck taking care of them and I REALLY want to get laid before my
baby sister and..."

[...]

    Rama picked himself off the floor.

sp:  Ranma

[...]

    "So... I think we'll have one girl's room, and one boys room, that
splits it up three and four, and this way you girls won't have to put up
with my husband's snoring."

    "Or the funny noises from the other room." Nabiki added.

    "That's it Nabiki!" Akane jumped to her feet. "How would you like to
walk the rest of the way?!" Nabiki shrieked and ducked down in her seat.

Somehow I can't picture Nabiki shrieking.
It's a funny scene; I just can't picture it.  :)

[...]

    "WHO?" Mariko mocked. "Just Ms. gold top, that's who."

cap: Ms. Gold Top
(It's being used as a form of proper address)

Also, does she mean Ms. or Miss?

[...]

    A North bound train thundered past at nearly 200 KpH.

cap:  200 kph.

    "BUT BROTHER YOU SAID..." Mariko shouted over the passing train.

punc:  BUT BROTHER, YOU

And so the misunderstandings begin.  :)

[...]

    After a moment Akane leaned on her shoulder. "Are you thinking what I'm
thinking?" She whispered in her ear.

    "No, what are you thinking?" The annoyance was plain in Nabiki's voice.

    "I'm thinking you have an 'admirer'."

    "A what?" A chill went through Nabiki. She watched as a red faced boy
dragged the girl out onto the platform. "No way!"

    "It's okay - maybe she's rich." Ranma whispered in her other ear.

Double-teaming poor Nabiki!  Heh.  :)

[...]

Nodoka thanked the lady at the front desk and returned to the others. "Our
room won't be ready till three so..." She walked to a nearby brochure rack
and pulled one out. "We have some time to see the sights. Let's see, we
could take the tram up the mountain." She pulled another from the rack. "Or
we could go down to the sculpture museum in Gora or.." Nabiki picked one
and handed to Nodoka. "The Hakone Wedding Chapel."

punc:  won't be ready till three, so

[...]

    "Hmm. The Wedding Chapel. Say, that's a fine idea, don't you think
Soutome-kun?" Soun nodded wisely.

cap:  The wedding chapel.
sp:  Saotome.
All further spellings of Soutome will be ignored in this C&C.

[...]

    Nadoka sighed. "Well, I see we have their vote. Kasumi?"

sp:  Nodoka

[...]

    "Heh?" Ranma's eyes popped out. Large drops of sweat formed on his
brow.

suggest:  "Eh?"

    "It's just...," she paused, looking first to her father, then Kasumi,
then Nabiki, then Nodoka, then finally back to Ranma. "I can't decide which
swimsuit to wear."

Hmm.  A little bit weak of a punch line.

[...]

    "Who again. It's miss gold top again, except this time it's a brown
swimsuit."

suggest: "Who else?"
cap:  "Miss Gold Top"
(You might want to make her use of Ms. and Miss consistent.)

    "Wait a second what about..." Souichi called, but it was too late. It
was a good plan in principal, but he wondered if Mariko had forgotten about
the encounter on the train.

punc:  "Wait a second.  What

[...]

    She picked a nearby pool and climbed in. The pool was shaped like a
fountain and the water was slightly pink and smelled of roses. Several

Nothing to do with the pool of blood or lotuses from _Waterfalls_...
[innocent whistle]

[...]

    "Akane-chan are you ready yet?"

punc:  "Akane-chan, are

[...]

    "What's taking so long."

punc:  taking so long?"

[...]

    "Thank you Kasumi," the woman said. They stood scanning the pools for a
moment.

punc:  "Thank you, Kasumi,"

    "I don't see the others" Kasumi said.

suggest:  "I don't see the others," noted Kasumi.
(Vary the sentence structure.  You have two '"XXX," YYY said'
lines close together.)

[...]

     Mariko slid around to give them room to climb in. "Please go ahead,"
she said.

punc:  "Please, go ahead."
suggest:  slid around to give them room to climb in.  "Please, go ahead."
(The speaker is obvious, and it removes another "she said" line.)

    "Ah, this rosewater is so nice, isn't it auntie Nodoka?" Kasumi waved
her arms through the warm water.

punc:  isn't it,
cap:  Auntie Nodoka

[...]

    "Mmm yes, and probably more peaceful than the visiting the Wedding
Chapel would have been." Nodoka giggled.

cap:  wedding chapel

    "Say, didn't I see you on the train this morning?" Mariko asked. "I'm
Mariko Tanaka." she bowed, accidentally dipping her nose into the water.

Cute.  :)

    "Hee-hee,", Kasumi giggled covering her mouth with her hand . "Sorry.
Anyway, I'm Kasumi Tendou, I'm very pleased to meet you, and this is...,"
she paused, pondering how to describe the relationship. "... my sister's
mother-in-law, to-be."

punc:  mother-in-law, to be."
(I think)

    "When I first saw you I thought you might be sisters..."

punc:  saw you, I thought

Laying it on thick, I see.  ^_^;;;

[...]

    "Oh, I remember, red shirt, ponytail, right?"

punc:  remember.  Red shirt,

    "Still, how about you Kasumi?"

punc:  how about you, Kasumi?"

    "Oh, I think they're very lucky too."

punc:  very lucky, too."

[...]

    "Oh, no, no. I'm far too busy with taking care of daddy and my
sisters."

cap:  taking care of Daddy

    "Well there is someone..." Akane prodded.

punc:  "Well, there is

    "Really?" Nodoka asked.

suggest:  "Really?" asked Nodoka.
or:  Nodoka asked, "Really?"
(Vary those sentences!)

[...]

Mariko listened attentively to the conversation, waiting for the right
moment. "So you're engaged," she said looking at Akane, "and you have an
admirer," she said to Kasumi. "What about Nabiki? does she have someone
special?"

punc:  "So, you're engaged,"

You know, I really admire Mariko's technique, here.  :)

    Akane froze. It was the word Mariko had used. 'admirer'. Now she
remembered. Mariko was the girl from the train. Masaka!* She just asked if
Nabiki had 'anyone special', not about any boyfriends.

And so the misunderstanding builds...  :D

[...]

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Souichi was halfway down the hill when he bumped into a boy with a
ponytail. They both apologized, then there was a moment of recognition, and
the both pointed fingers at each other. "You look familiar." They both said
as one, then laughed.

I just noticed this.  You don't have paragraph indents after
horizontal rules or chapter titles.  Is this intentional?

[...]

    "Pleased to meet you, I'm Souichi Tanaka." Souichi answered
automatically. Then it hit him. The station. The train. His sisters
blundered attempt at matchmaking. "Oh no, that was you..." he let his head
fall in shame. "Soutome-san. please allow me to apologize for the
unfortunate incident with my sister this morning" he said formally.

punc:  incident with my sister, this morning,"
cap:  Saotome-san, please
or:  Saotome-san.  Please

[...]

    "You see, my sister is really quite notorious in this respect," Souichi
explained. "Ever since she started high school she's gained quite a
reputation."

Let the misunderstandings...  ;)

[...]

    "Sometimes they settle down and grow out of it, but with my sister I
suspect it may be a lifelong thing."

punc:  but with my sister, I suspect

    "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeya! That's cold!" Ranma-chan shrieked.

Seeing as you put Japanese words in your fic, I wonder why you
call female/girl-type/onna-Ranma "Ranma-chan".

The -chan suffix doesn't connote femininity.  I understand that
it is a diminutive/familiar ending.  Sort of like calling Steve
"Stevie".

[...]

    "Mmmmm?" Mariko looked up the hill. It wasn't hard to find the source
of the disturbance, since every guy in the place was staring at one point.
No, better make that two.

And carefully tracking their movements.  "Now *that's* what I
call *unrestricted* martial arts!"  ;)

[...]

Mariko was out of the rose water and halfway up the hill by the time
Souichi hit the ground. She found her brother lying on his back on one of
the cobbled paths. A red headed girl kneeling over him, gently slapping his
cheeks.

A tried and true technique.  "Are you okay? [slap!]"

[...]

    Mariko stood at her brother's feet, steeled herself to her full 5 foot
3, crossed her arms, and demanded; "Hey, you! What did you do to my
brother?"

Is the height 5'3" supposed to appear small?
The average female height in Japan is 4'11"...

    Ranma jerked around. "Nothing, we were just talking, and he passed
out." The commotion caused a small crowd to gather around them. The motion
gave many of the boys nose bleeds.

punc:  "Nothing.  We
suggest:  Another type of motion was giving many of the boys nosebleeds.

[...]

    A second trickle of blood left his nose, and soon the bump on his head
had a second one for company.

"Let's have a party," said the first bump.
"We'll invite all our friends!" said the second.
"I've got a lot of friends in Nerima!"

[...]

    Souichi moaned and rubbed the back of his head. Mariko stood and
turned, scanning the crowd. "WHERE'D THAT RED- HEADED HUSSY EXHIBITIONIST
GO?" she screamed. The crowd pointed to the pool where she and the others
had fallen, but there were only boys - including Ranma, - who searched
around convincingly, and a very surprised Gaijin [foreign] couple. The
redhead was nowhere to be seen.

cap:  gaijin

Ideally, foreign words and phrases, unless a part of the English
language (dojo, kimono), should be italicized.  Since this is
something you can actually do with HTML, you might want to look
for all your Japanese words, and if you don't find them in
dictionary, <I>italicize</I> 'em.

[...]

Nabiki stretched contentedly in a secluded pool. She was rather pleased
with the effect of her little trick, after all, Ranma was family, well
practically, and it was high time he took his lessons in the Tendou school
of unlimited pranks (Nabiki Tendou, founder).

suggest:  Ranma was family (well, practically), and

Nabiki seems to be forgetting that Ranma picks up
these techniques like a dog learning new tricks.  :)

    She'd stuck around at the back of the crowd long enough to observe the
after effects of Ranma's change, and hoped (with a slight twinge of guilt)
that the boy who'd been rewarded with an eyeful had not been hurt. Nabiki
smiled. That boy was kind of cute...

suggest:  He was kind of cute...
(The subject is implied from the previous sentence.)

[...]

Mariko had given up on her search and was heading back down the hill to
find her brother when she spotted a curving trail heading off towards the
edge of the park. She followed it, expecting it to end in a service shed or
pump room, but instead the walls which were waist high at the opening grew
steadily higher, and the trail narrowed enough that she could brush each
side with her hands as she walked. Further in the walls began to curve over
her head, until the path had nearly become a tunnel. It opened onto a small
pool surrounded with high walls of rough rocks. There was a woman there,
but she didn't have red hair, and unlike the floozy redhead, she was
wearing a brown one piece swimsuit.

punc:  find her brother, when
punc:  Further in, the walls

The second sentence is pretty long.

[...]

    Nabiki looked up. For an instant the steaming water felt like ice.

    Mariko turned to leave, then turned back. "Oh wait, you're Nabiki
aren't you?"

    Nabiki paused, then nodded hesitantly.

"I've heard *so* much about you!"  Mariko leisurely slipped
into the pool...

[...]

    Nabiki swallowed on a dry throat. "Is that so? What did they say?"

    "Nothing much, except that you're not dating anyone special."

Let the misunder-- Oh, you get the idea.  ;)

[...]

    "Oh, I like that swimsuit too, it's something a girl would wear for
herself. It looks very comfortable."

I'm a little confused by the "it's something a girl would
wear for herself" line.  It's a girl's bathing suit; who
else would wear it?

Except, of course, Ranma.  Or Futaba.  Maze.  Tsutomu.  Mr. Albatou...

    Nabiki didn't feel very comfortable. For the first time she regretted
not having taken up martial arts. Akane could have made it to the top of
the wall and away in one jump. Mariko continued to talk, but Nabiki tuned
her out, the words became an indistinct mumble. I don't want to make a
scene, I should just tell her I'm not interested, and leave, she thought.

punc:  tuned her out.  The words
or:  turned her out, the words becoming an indistinct mumble.

[...]

    "Wait..." Nabiki interrupted, her attention suddenly returning. "I.., I
don't want to sound ...well...," she took a breath. "I think you should
know - I prefer the other gender."

It's a good thing there's plenty of rocks around
on which to beat one's head, yes?

[...]

    She seemed nice enough, Nabiki thought, I wonder if she would introduce
me to her brother?

Gimme one of those rocks.

[...]

    "Careful with that, it's the only plastic bag we have. Anyway, It's not
like it sounds. Two were arranged by my father, one was a misunderstanding
in China, and the other one just decided for herself. None of them were
really my idea."

Has Kodachi ever called herself Ranma's fiancee?  Or bride?

[...]

    "Look, I ah, I don't suppose...."

    "I get that a lot. No." Ranma threw a towel at Souichi. "Find your
own."

"Not even Kodachi?"

    "Stingy."

Heh.  :)

    "No, I didn't have a chance. I only saw her for a moment, then I ended
up here."

    Ranma turned. "Oh yeah. Her."

When I read this, I had forgotten about their close encounter.
I thought Ranma was talking about Nabiki, which was awfully
confusing.  Maybe you can clarify it?

[...]

    Souichi watched the door close, and in a few moments the the ice pack
fell to the bench for a second time.

dup:  in a few moments the ice pack

[...]

    "Oh, hi Akane, what's up?

punc:  Oh.  Hi, Akane.  What's up?"

[...]

    "This yours?" Akane held the plastic pail out, sloshing a little to the
cement walkway.

    Nabiki watched the pail swing.

Tick...  Tock...  Tick...  Tock...

[...]

    "Akane, this is against the rules, you can't get even for Ranma, he has
to do that for himself."

punc:  this is against the rules.  You can't get even for Ranma.  He

"I though it was *unlimited* pranks, sister."

[...]

    "Akane..." Nabiki pleaded, but Akane only smiled wider, and readied the
bucket. "You can't. It's the rules. Ranma should..." Akane paused. "You
have to wait for him. Where is he?" Akane's eyes flicked past Nabiki a
moment. "Oh, very good. I've seen you use that trick on Ranma a hundred
times. It's NOT going to work on me." Akane looked past her sister again,
then nodded. Nabiki shook her head. "Akane, stop that. I know he's still in
the dressing room."

    Nabiki's swimsuit, [...]

As soon as I saw the paragraph start with this,
I knew Nabiki was in for some trouble.  ;)

[...]

    "Sure, but first I have to decide what to do with this." Akane swung
the bucket menacingly.

    Rather than backing away, Ranma reached down and hooked his thumb into
the back of Akane's bikini bottom. "No, I think the question is, what am I
going to do with the rest of this shaved ice?"

    Their eyes locked. Akane was clearly weighing the risk against the
entertainment value.

Quite a memorable scene.  :)

[...]

    "I'll put down the pail if you put down the ice." Akane let the pail
down an inch."

"Throw me the idol..."

[...]

    "Thanks, but that's actually Nabiki's ploy, I was never that patient, I
just cased right after her. But anyway... Most importantly... Number
four..." she leaned to Ranma's ear an whispered. "That secluded pool is
empty." Akane dragged her fianc� off towards the pool.

It's a little weird, seeing Ranma and Akane being so comfortable
with each other.  I mean, Ranma hooked his thumb around Akane's
bikini bottom, for goodness sake!

[...]

    "Sounds nice, where is it?"

punc:  "Sounds nice.  Where is it?"

    "Are you coming with?"

suggest:  "Are you coming?"
("coming with" sounds dated.)

Nabiki held her swimsuit under the steaming shower, rinsing and twisting it
to remove sticky syrup. Ranma learns quickly, but it was worth it, she
thought. She smiled, closing her eyes to remember the scene when she'd
surprised him. The look on Ranma's face had been absolutely priceless, and
the effect on the other boy... Nabiki looked at the wrinkled swimsuit. I
wish I'd brought my white bikini,she thought. Oh well.... She turned off
the water and was about to put her suit back on when she remembered Akane's
beach bag. She warped herself in a towel and set off to raid her sister's
collection.

sp:  wrapped herself in a towel

You need a space after "white bikini,"

Nabiki does have a habit of "borrowing" Akane's clothes,
doesn't she?  :j

[...]

    "Hi sis." He stepped into the pool.

punc:  "Hi, sis."

[...]

    With a loud splash Akane shifted to the other side of the pond.

punc:  With a loud splash, Akane
suggest:  Akane darted to the opposite side of the pond.
(Shifting sounds like she just rolled away from Ranma, rather than
moving a good distance away, which is what I think you intended.)

[...]

Nabiki checked her profile in the mirror. It was a little tight, no, it was
a lot tight, but all in the right places. This suit was surely not what a
girl would wear for herself.

I'm thinking this saying means "This suit is not what a nice
girl would wear."  I've never heard it said the way you use it.

    "It was just this game that Nabiki picked up in school from some of the
boys," Kasumi explained. "She was about nine or ten at the time, and she
decided to try it out when we went to an onsen in the mountains. She hid
some balloons in her swimsuit, then filled them with cold water from a
hose, then she climbed a tree above the pond and dropped them on us. Akane
grabbed the hose and turned it in her, and of course the cold water rained
down on everyone, including the other guests."

That's the only problem with water fights.
The person with the hose always wins...

    "So you didn't get even?" Ranma asked.

    "Oh yes she did," Akane interrupted. "That night we had sushi and
Kasumi loaded one with wasabi and put it in front of Nabiki. She took one
bite and there were tears rolling down her cheeks. She had to drink 5 cups
of tea to wash it away."

    "Kasumi, you didn't..." Nodoka looked shocked.

Gee, and Kasumi doesn't even have the grace to look embarrassed.  ;)

    "It was just a little sewing, that's all."

    Akane let out an "Eep!" then covered her mouth.

Uh, this sounds more like Ranma's pinching Akane,
rather than a comment on Kasumi's response...  ^_^;

[...]

    Souichi looked around. "I don't get it, we still can't see the valley
from here."

punc:  "I don't get it.  We still

"Oh, customer!  You not want to see *this* valley of springs!"

Chapter 4

And now for the *new* chapter!  :)

[...]

    "Say brother, I have an idea."

punc:  "Say, brother,

    "Brother, you are so dense. Think about it. Just because Nabiki doesn't
date boys doesn't mean that she won't talk to them. You could think of it
as a practice date, but with none of the boy - girl pressure. Besides, you
might have something in common."

suggest: boy/girl pressure.
(Not to be confused with what boy-type Ranma experiences
when he changes back from his girl side while wearing panties...)

[...]

    "Well, for one thing, you two might have the same taste in girls."

Cute.  ;)

    "Is that you dear? We were wondering where you had gone." Nodoka waved
her husband into the pool.

punc:  "Is that you, dear?

[...]

    "Okay Kasumi, Bye bye!" Akane waved to her sister.

punc:  "Okay, Kasumi.  Bye

[...]

    "This one looks nice, let's try it." Akane tugged at Ranma's arm.

punc:  looks nice.  Let's

    "Hey, careful, I don't want to spill this," he said, switching the
shaved ice to his other hand.

    "I didn't get much of the last one. I had to, ummmm- share it with your
sister."

Combine the above two paragraphs.  Ranma is the speaker in both.

[...]

    Ranma sat in the water next to her. He chopped at the ice for a moment
with the plastic spoon, then picked up a bit and slowly lifted it to his
lips. He placed it gently inside his mouth then sucked on the spoon before
pulling it out. He sighed. "Ahhh - there's nothing like shaved ice when
you're sitting in a hot onsen." He began chopping out another bite when he
noticed Akane watching him. He slowly raised the spoon, she tracked it inch
by inch with her eyes. He paused. Her gaze flicked from the spoon to his
eyes, then back to the spoon. He moved the spoon closer to his mouth, her
eyes following it hungrily. He stopped and waited.

suggest:  As he slowly raised the spoon, she tracked it with her eyes
as it moved inch by inch. [...]  He moved the spoon closer to his mouth,
and her eyes continued to follow it hungrily.

or:  He moved the spoon closer to his mouth, watching her eyes follow
it hungrily.

The trail cut across the steepest part of the hill. The uphill side was a
two-meter retaining wall made of rough gray and brown stones, indented in
several places for alcoves containing stone benches. The downhill side
offered spectacular views of the pools and valley below. Nabiki walked
quickly across it, but not so fast as to attract attention from below. She
paused to peek around the corner where it ended at the main path that lead
down to the locker rooms. She poked her head around the corner to check the
trail for Ranma and Akane, but they were nowhere to be seen. It was most
perplexing. Akane had always tried to get even with her right away, but now
it had been almost twenty minutes. She heard voices coming down the main
path, and backed away from the corner. She spun to head back across the
hill, took two steps and ran squarely into Souichi Tanaka.

suggest:  Nabiki walked quickly across it, but not so fast as to attract
attention.
(The repeated "below" sounds awkward.)

suggest:  Poking her head around the corner, she checked for Ranma
and Akane, but they were nowhere to be seen.
(You use the same sentence structure two times in a row.  "She paused...
She poked...")

This paragraph could probably be broken up.

[...]

    Nabiki looked up. "Oh, hi." There was an awkward silence, which Nabiki
finally broke. "I'm Nabiki Tendou, you're Mariko's brother right?"

punc:  "I'm Nabiki Tendou.  You're

[...]

    Must be the silent type, Nabiki thought. "Look, I'm sorry about the
bump on the head earlier. I hope you're okay."

Heh.  Is he even aware of what Nabiki really did?  He didn't fall
and hit his head because she splashed Ranma, but because of that
topless girl that came outta nowhere.  ;)

    "It's nothing, really, I feel better now," Souichi lied. His head felt
better, but now his stomach was in knots.

Cute.  :)

[...]

    Ranma jabbed the spoon into the cone and handed it to her. He went to
the pool edge and leaned over.

suggest:  He went to the pool edge and peered over.
(You use "lean" again in the next sentence.)

[...]

Nabiki smiled at Souichi. "Okay, eight o-clock then."

sp:  o'clock

    "Okay eight it is." Souichi's heart was pounding. The awkward silence
that followed was interrupted by a pebble falling from the rocks above.

punc:  "Okay, eight it is."
or:  "Okay.  Eight is it."

[...]

    She'd only taken one step when the simple mending that Akane had done
the night before came undone. From Souichi's point of view, spectacularly
undone.

This would be a good time to remind the readers that Nabiki is
wearing *Akane's* swimsuit.  I somehow thought that Akane had
sabotaged one of Nabiki's swimsuits in anticipation of the
"game".

[...]

Souichi drifted awake as from a dream.

     Soft.

          Warm.

    There was something soft on his chest, and it was warm.

     Shouting.

          Girl.

Again, nice parallel.  :)

[...]

    He opened his eyes in time to see Ranma fly from the rocks above into
the valley below. There was a surprisingly long pause, followed by a
distant splash and some most unladylike cursing. There was a flash of
yellow, and he reached out and caught it.

suggest:  something yellow fluttered down towards him, and he reached out
and caught it.

    Nabiki looked up. Souichi was examining something in his fist, turning
it one way then the other. He opened his fingers and the mystery item
uncrumpled out of his palm. He pinched a corner and shook it out.

suggest:  examining something in his hand
(How do you examine something *in* a closed fist?)

[...]

  i. The characters and stories of Ranma 1/2 are Copyright (c) Rumiko
     Takahashi, and are used here without permission or license.
 ii. No claims to the above copyright are made by the author of ths work.

sp:  this

Hit count is equal to 259th hits.

Your server-side HTML seems to be returning an ordinal,
but you expect a plain number.



All in all, I like this series.  I think you're done an excellent
job of putting in many incremental misunderstandings, which tie
together nicely.  I was impressed when Makiko and Souichi reach
the same (incorrect) conclusion about Nabiki, for vastly different
reasons.

It would be nice to see more dynamic sentences, however.  As noted
above, a lot of thems have very similar structures from one line to
the next.

You seem to especially like '"XXX," YYY said'.  If it's understood
from the context, drop the 'said', and just put the quote.  Or say,
'"XXX," said YYY.'  Or put the verb before the quote.

Also, I have a minor quibble about Nabiki's characterization.  I
have some difficulty watching her shriek, or take cover from Akane
behind Soun.  I think she stays in control more than that.

It didn't bother me too much, though, as I like the light mood to
the entire story line.

Now some comments about your fanfiction page:

I really only intended to read part 4 of this fic, but wanted to
review parts 1-3 beforehand.  Unfortunately, with the way your
homepage is laid out, I had to page down *four times* to get to
Yellow.

It would be nice to be able to get to your fics quicker.  I
imagine it's what most people come to your fanfiction page to
see, right?  Maybe if you moved some of the stuff from the What's
New section somewhere else.  Like the animated gif, Featured Fanfic
Links, and award.  They could all go further down the page.

And why doesn't Yellow have it's own place in the Colors section
of your page?

Looking forward to the next part.  Remember, you said we wouldn't
have a long delay!  :)


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"