I don't remember the URL. I didn't bookmark it either, and in
Lynx all pages look more or less the same. Alta Vista, Excite and
Infoseek provide no clue whatsoever. I just downloaded the
program from one of the millions of sites out there.
"Check the source and compile" is my rule of thumb, but I was
very tired that night, and I didn't want to bother wading through
the code. I knew it was unwise to simply download and execute the
binary but, Bliss notwithstanding, there are no Linux viruses,
right? I decided to take my chances.
Big mistake.
Computer Girl Lan
The first thing I noticed were the breasts pressed against my
face. The second thing I noticed was the weight of the body to
which they were attached. Although clearly not one to complain
about such state of affairs, I had other things on my mind (not
to mention the fact that it was getting hard to breath).
My hands trembled as I held her waist and carefully rolled the
girl over. I guess the cliched description of how pretty she was
goes here, but it really wouldn't do justice to her delicate
beauty anyway. And, like I said, I had other worries.
A bundled sweater provided an impromptu pillow. I held my wrist
close to her perky little nose. A tiny spark from its tip shocked
me a bit. Damn static. The face of my watch fogged slightly as
her breath periodically moistened the crystal surface.
OK, one thing less to worry about. The girl was unconscious, not
dead. I knew I had to get her to a hospital or something, she
might still be injured. But first...
I got up to check my computer. A brand new AlphaStation, my pride
and joy! Did the monitor just flicker? I held my breath as I
faced the screen:
error: core dumped
_
I typed "ls -alt" and pressed "Enter". Much to my relief, a
directory listing appeared. I let out a loud sigh. So far so
good. Hmmmm, no core file. Strange.
No time to look into it now, better get the girl some help.
Where had she come from, anyway? I must have fallen asleep on
the keyboard or something. For a moment I could have sworn she
had come out of the screen....
Better turn the computer off, just in case that program was still
active somehow. I quickly su'd to become super-user:
su -l
Password:
#> shutdown -h now
I was about to execute the command when the unexpected happened.
"BAKA!!!"
If the insult wasn't enough, a blow which almost ruptured my left
kidney gave the girl my undivided attention. So much for delicate
beauty.
"BAKABAKABAKABAKA!"
"You said that already..." I managed to say, staggering a
bit, trying to ignore the pain (and failing miserably).
"BAKAAAA!"
I realized then that I must have committed some sort of serious
faux pas. The girl was fuming, but man, did she look cute!
"Do you know what would happen if you shut down?" she
growled, indignant.
"Well, I... um... I could turn my computer off?"
She glared at me. Wrong answer.
"I'd disappear, you baka! What kind of a person are you,
anyways? More worried about a computer than a poor girl dangling
between life and death? BAKA!"
She had a pretty good right hook for someone about to die.
"I'm... I'm sorry... I was just going to... disappear? What
do you mean, 'disappear'?"
"I'm a Computer Girl, Lan's the name. I'm here to comfort and
support you, you baka!"
Oooookay...
---
Winter nights are pretty bloody cold in these parts. I had a good
chance to experience this first-hand as I walked through the
snow, wearing only my sweater. Lan, on the other hand, seemed
quite content with my winter jacket. It was way too large for
her, but this only made her look more huggable, and therefore
cuter. She was happily humming, walking just behind me, while I
blew warm air into my cupped hands, trying to fend off cryopathy.
"Aaaah! How I _love_ snow!" she cooed.
"Yeah, it's great," I answer distractedly, pondering my next
move. I was still trying to grasp the full implications of our
earlier conversation:
"A... a Computer Girl...?"
"Aha, and I would appreciate you deleting that 'shutdown'
command, it's making me nervous!"
"OK, sure, but exactly what do you mean 'disappear'?"
"Ah, you _really_ are a bakahead! Disappear, gone, puf! If
for any reason you shut down, there's a crash, or the power goes,
so does Lan-chan, forever. That's the way Computer Girls
work...."
"That must be really inconvenient."
"Tell that to the Windows and Mac CGs! Poor girls never
lasted more than a couple of hours. We had to discontinue support
for those platforms...."
I simply nodded. While normally not a problem, I had just
downloaded a new beta kernel a couple of weeks ago. It still had
a few bugs, though, and had a tendency to crash after three or
four days. I had had to reboot that same morning, but I didn't
want to tell this to Lan, who clearly had a a screw or two just
slightly loose. I glanced at my watch: 1:05 am. I was very tired,
and hadn't eaten in over twelve hours. I decided to take it
slowly for the time being.
"Um, would you like some dinner?"
Which is how I wound up walking through the snow in the middle of
the night, freezing my ass off, with a lovely "Computer Girl"
trailing close behind.
"I said: how I _love_ snow!"
She didn't coo this time. I should've noticed the signs.
"Yeah, it's gr..."
"BAKA!"
The snowball hit me squarely on the back of my head. It was big,
too, almost toppled me over.
"Aaaah! Cold! Cold! You little...!"
I danced around, desperately wiping the white chunks off my hair
and neck.
"Hmph! That's what you get for ignoring Lan-chan!" she
answered, indignantly tilting her head in that way of hers.
The possibility of retaliation quickly entered my mind as she
walked right pass me, facing away.
She suddenly stopped and turned around, glaring back at me. The
possibility of retaliation quickly exited my mind. Luckily we
had almost arrived to our destination.
"Two, non-smoking please."
The waiter raised his eyebrows ever so slightly. I was pretty
much a regular of the 24-hour restaurant, usually coming in at
the wee hours of the night to eat something after work, always
alone. Lan gave him a coquettish smile, and for a moment the man
stood there, stupidly smiling back.
I loudly cleared my throat.
He regained his composure, and led the way. I gave Lan a quick,
piercing stare. She just winked back. Why should I care about her
flirting? I suddenly thought.
We sat down and she began to look over the menu. For my part I
would order the breakfast, as usual. The rest of the food was
horrible, I knew that only too well. Aside from the schedule, the
only good thing about the place was the large jukebox they had.
It contained about 100 CDs, mostly 80's stuff. "Ophelia" played
in the background, and a hint of melancholy touched my heart.
"Ready to order?"
"Yeah, I'll have the br..."
My voice trailed off as I noticed Lan, intently looking back at
me, lips pursed to a dot.
"Um, actually, you should probably order first, Lan..."
"OK!" she quipped, as she began ticking off items from the
menu, "I'll have a dish of ravioli, the chicken fajita plate, the
meat pie, a cheeseburger with onion rings, and for dessert a
piece of chocolate cake topped with vanilla ice-cream and a
strawberry milk shake, please."
"Anything to drink?" the astonished waiter asked, while I
nervously reached for my wallet.
"Coke. Diet."
"Of course. And you sir...?"
"I'll, ah... have the breakfast... eggs scrambled, white
toast...."
"I'll be back in a, um, few minutes with your order."
I sat back, closing my eyes, sighing. After a few moments I
opened them again, and noticed Lan curiously studying her
surroundings.
For what must have been the first time that night I had a chance
to calmly analyze her features. My descriptions have so far been
accurate, but perhaps a bit vague. Light brown hair framed her
face, consisting mostly of two large greyish eyes over a tiny
nose and a small mouth encircled by her thin, pale lips. She was
a bit on the short side, no more than 155, and rather thin, at
least until the food arrived. She had taken off my jacket, and I
noticed for the first time the strange garment she wore,
something like a 70's concept of "futuristic" clothes, boots and
all.
"What?" It was now she who was looking at me, head slightly
tilted to her left.
"Eh? I, um, I was wondering..."
"Sure you were," she replied, a knowing smile on her lips.
"No, no, I mean... Who are you, really? Where do you come
from? _Why_ are you here?"
"Not again!" she exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "I told you
_twice_ already, I'm Computer Girl Lan, Digital Alpha Linux
version 1.0.0a, build 215, first public release. I was compiled
by the Master Programmer three hours, six minutes, and nine
seconds ago, and posted on the trans-dimensional webpage one
minute later. As luck would have it, you downloaded me and here I
am!"
"But why? Why me? Or are there thousands of Computer Girls
being downloaded as we speak?"
"Ahhhh, your bakaness is truly amazing! Of course not! There
have only been six Computer Girls so far. Two were never released
to the public, the other two were the Mac and Windows versions I
mentioned, poor things, and lastly the HURD girl, although her
release seems doubtful now...."
"So... you are the only one...?"
She nodded ever so slightly, giving me a small smile. This time,
however, there something else behind her smile, something a
little different, a little... sad.
"At last! I'm starving!"
The waiter left the scrambled eggs in front of me, and a plethora
of dishes in front of Lan. She began to dig in with gusto, while
I politely tried not to stare. We started talking about other
things, snowball wars, winter, my research, laziness, video
games, Quake, music. I was surprised when, during a pause in our
conversation, I realized that Lan had already started dessert.
Time seemed to have flown by, and it amused me to notice that I
had ended up doing most of the talking. For all her
impetuousness, Lan turned out to be a remarkably good listener, a
quality, I should have guessed, carefully coded into a Computer
Girl.
An hour later we finally stood up to leave. Upon opening the door
for Lan I heard "Forever Young" playing softly in the background.
Damn.
---
"Well, here we are!"
I was a bit nervous of bringing Lan to my apartment, she was
still stranger, after all. A _female_ stranger. For some reason,
however, it just seemed the polite thing to do, and she behaved
as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"Wow!" she exclaimed, rushing towards the large windows. I
live on a 27th floor, overlooking the city's downtown. A view
taken out of Blade Runner, I fell in love with it since I first
saw it.
"You can take my bed, Lan, I'll sleep on the couch," I said,
rather proud at my own gentleman likeness.
"Nonsense! There's _more_ than enough space on the bed for
both!" she replied, bouncing on the mattress as she sat on it
with a little backwards jump.
"Um, Lan, it's a single bed. _I_ hardly fit in it," I said,
as I wondered why the hell I was arguing with her.
"Well, OK, since you insist," she replied, smiling
mischievously.
"Uh, yeah, um, well, I think I'll take a bath now, um, if you
don't mind..."
"Why should I? Unless you want company...." Her grin widened.
YES! YES!
"No! I mean... well, it's not that... um... you think
so...?"
"Baaaaakaaaaaaa...." she teased, in a low voice, falling
back on the bed.
I sat on the toilet as the tub filled up, going over the events
of the day, pondering as one usually does during those moments of
biological relief (which Lan, for some reason, seemed to be
immune to, in spite of her ferocious appetite). As I later dipped
in the water, I became more and more aware of the latent danger
of the situation. I knew nothing about Lan, and what little she
had told me was quite farfetched, to put it mildly. Computer
Girls? Trans-dimensional webpages? I started to become more and
more nervous. Sure, she was cute, but then again, maybe that was
one of her many psychotic personalities. Images of Janet Leigh
cropped up in my mind. That kitchen knife I had bought the
previous week was in the sink, needing to be washed, but
still....
I hurriedly got out of the tub, and pressed an ear against the
door. Silence. Was she waiting for me? I wrapped a towel around
my waist, grabbed the plunger, and peeked out the door.
It took my eyes a few moments to adjust to the darkness. I
entered the bedroom and noticed a bulge on the bed. I couldn't be
too careful, though, it might be a trick. Wielding my plumbing
weapon, I silently approached with feline stealthiness.
Lan lay quietly on her side, soundly asleep. The peacefulness of
her features formed an expression I hadn't seen before, one of
warmth and comforting sweetness, quite unlike her waking
impishness.
Dripping wet, wrapped in a towel, plunger in hand, I suddenly
felt a bit silly.
"Hmpg, baka," murmured Lan in her sleep, as she turned over,
laying on her back, blanket sliding down a bit.
It had occurred to me to offer Lan one of my pajamas. I had
forgotten, of course, and as much as I would like to say I
regretted it, the sight of her breasts almost made my chest
explode.
The towel around my waist was loosening, although it seemed in no
danger of falling. I suddenly opted for a hasty retreat. As I
glimpsed her, um, face for the last time that night, I noticed
that expression again. No, no the sweet one, the _other_ one.
Before going to sleep I decided to log into the university
through my laptop. Something had been nagging me since I had met
Lan. I accessed the AlphaStation and proceeded to try to find out
exactly what had happened when I ran that strange program. There
had been a coredump message, but I couldn't find a core file,
even though coredumpsize wasn't limited. This wasn't what worried
me most, however. It was the file I had downloaded. It wasn't
there anymore. I searched the entire file system. Nothing. I
couldn't figure out what had happened. The "free" command
indicated that the kernel's memory leaks would be causing
problems again soon. I then ran "top":
03:38am up 1 day, 0 hrs, 39 min, 1 user, load average: 1.00, 1.01, 1.00
67 processes: 65 sleeping, 1 running, 1 zombie, 0 stopped
CPU states: 98.2% user, 1.8% system, 3.7% nice, 0.0% idle
Mem: 64088K av, 51270K used, 1032K free, 35768K shrd, 22176K buff
Swap: 39236K av, 248K used, 38988K free 22396K cached
PID USER PRI NI SIZE RSS SHARE STAT LIB %CPU %MEM TIME COMMAND
55 mp 16 20 12530 9582 7596 R 0 96.7 70.5 2:52 Lan
73 mp 16 0 536 536 396 R 0 2.5 0.8 0:02 top
1 root 0 0 340 340 276 S 0 0.3 0.5 0:16 init
2 root 0 0 0 0 0 SW 0 0.0 0.0 0:00 kflushd
3 root -12 -12 0 0 0 SW< 0 0.0 0.0 0:00 kswapd
4 root 0 0 0 0 0 SW 0 0.0 0.0 0:00 nfsiod
5 root 0 0 312 312 256 S 0 0.0 0.4 0:00 kerneld
6 root 0 0 304 304 252 S 0 0.0 0.4 0:00 mingetty
I logged out and disconnected. I lay on the couch, worried.
After a few minutes, fatigue finally overtook me, and I managed
to sleep.
---
"Keiichi-san!"
Belldandy was being sucked into the void, unable to escape the
cosmic forces at play. Red skies loomed menacingly above, terror
filled the air.
"Quick!" screamed Skuld, "I can't type! My hands are too
sticky with ice-cream! You _must_ recompile and close the portal!
The fate of the Belldandy, and the world, lies in your hands!"
"Keiichi-san!"
I looked at the keyboard. The symbols on the keys were
incomprehensible, a strange mixture of Greek, Hebrew and Arabic.
"Hurry up, or it'll be...."
Skuld disappeared with a "pop". Belldandy pleaded with those
large, trembling eyes of hers, as the blackness began to envelope
her body.
"Keiichi-san!"
I began to type, guessing the letters from their position.
"m"
Sweat fell down my forehead, snaking into my eyes, dripping off
my chin.
"a"
The earth trembled, thunder roared, Belldandy moaned.
"k"
"Keiichi-san!" screamed a different, yet familiar, voice.
I froze for a second. Looking up, I saw Lan almost completely
engulfed by the evil nothingness. She looked back at me, her
face a mask of fear and despair, mirroring my own.
"e"
I closed my eyes as I hit the keyboard's largest key.
Silence.
Slowly, I peeked.
"GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT"
As the world the collapsed around me, I heard Lan screaming...
---
"Wake UP already!"
I opened my eyes, my body still rigid in a spasm. Lan was leaning
over me, a slightly disgusted expression on her face.
"You truly like that Belldandy, don't you? You really are
pathetic, fantasizing about a cartoon character. No wonder I'm
stuck with you!"
"Whu... what?" I babbled, not totally conscious yet.
"These tapes of yours," she continued, waving "For the Love
of Goddess" close to my face. "Frankly, I'm worried."
"Tapes?"
"Yeah, tapes. I've been watching these videos of yours. Boy,
is this stuff corny or what?"
"They're not mine," I groaned, noting with some disappointed
that Len had already bathed and dressed, "I've got to return them
to the video store. And I do not 'fantasize' about cartoon
characters!"
"Really?" she grinned, "Not even these, 'Keiecchi-san'?"
"Magical Twilight" materialized in her hand. My senses were
returning pretty quickly by that point.
"Ah... I... well... um, I... I have _no_ idea where that came
from! I clearly remember asking the clerk for 'Twilight of the
Cockroaches', a nature documentary...."
"Yeah, 'nature', right, and this is from your 'National
Geographic' collection, I guess?"
Patti Davis smiled back at me from the cover of Playboy.
"Now I can explain that! I bought it for the Bill Gates
interview, he must be stopped at all costs!"
"Besides," I shot back, starting to get a bit angry,
"exactly who do you think you are, going through my stuff like
that?!"
"Ah, poor Lan-chan!" she sighed, "Executed by such hopeless
bakecchi...."
"Well, believe me, I'm starting to wish I hadn't...."
Lan's face filled my field of view, as she suddenly bent towards
me, her lovely nose almost touching mine. I instantly became lost
in her big, grey eyes, as her warm breath caressed my mouth,
taking away my own respiration.
"You wish you hadn't what?" she huskily whispered, tilting
her head almost imperceptibly to the right, coming closer and
closer.
Like a fish out of water, I just gaped, unable to speak.
Did her lips brush past mine?
I could feel the warmth of her cheek, a mere millimeter from my
own, the scent of slightly moist hair filling the air,
intoxicating, her soft breasts very gently pressing against my
chest.
"Do you know what _I_ wish?" she whispered, her lips now
hovering next to my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
"What?" I managed to say, breathlessly, my heart pounding so
hard I was sure she could feel it.
For a brief eternity nothing happened. Lan remained motionless on
top of me, while I lay there, paralyzed, frozen in a state of
terrified bliss. My chest was starting to hurt, vision began to
blur. The little reason I had left was surprised to discover I
was passing out... any moment now....
"Breakfast!"
Lan suddenly jumped off me, and I could almost feel the cold air
filling the vacuum her body had left.
"Aren't you hungry?" she said with a smirk, as she headed
towards the kitchen. "I'm a _great_ cook! Just one of Lan-chan's
many talents, you'll see!"
"Yeah, starved," I managed to answer, still fighting off a
powerful wave of nausea, not unlike the one which follows violent
decompression.
---
Lan started preparing breakfast, happily singing along with the
radio, noticeably out of tune. In the meantime I went into my
bedroom and quickly logged onto my account. Everything seemed
pretty much as it was last night, although the available memory
had diminished noticeably. In spite of all this "Computer Girl"
nonsense, the "Lan" process had me wondering....
I'm a scientist. Well, a grad student, close enough. What she
claimed was a physical impossibility. It only happened in
movies, comics, and fanfics. It simply couldn't be. And yet...
I needed more time. The kernel's memory mismanagement would
rapidly worsen under the load. It was a fundamental coding bug,
impossible, as far as I knew, to simply fix by recompiling and
substituting a module. On the other hand, I didn't know all that
much about the system's internals, but it was clear a simple
HOW-TO wasn't going to help.
"Breakfast!" Lan screamed, unnecessarily, as my one-bedroom
apartment is quite small.
"Just a second!"
I sat there for a moment. I suddenly realized I didn't want to
tell Lan about the system's impending failure, I didn't want
to... worry her?
"It's getting cold!" she screamed again, somewhat more
shrilly.
A quick post to Usenet and the Linux mailing list would
hopefully suffice. Weekends are rather slow, but I was confident
some kind-hearted hacker might help me out. A few lines
explaining the problem, and I sent the message to the world.
As I logged out I heard Lan from the door.
"Just what are you doing? Probably doing some ecchi thing on
the net, eh? Baka!"
"Ah, no, just checking my email..."
"Hmph!" came her response, as she crossed her arms and
looked away, indignant.
"It smells delicious, by the way..." I said, approaching her.
"Really?" she said, glancing sideways, anger rapidly
dissipating.
"Yeah, really," I quietly said, as I began to understand the
way Lan thought, or at least hoping as much.
Besides, it _did_ smell delicious.
---
The day was bitter cold, although this time we were both better
prepared. I gave Lan a winter jacket my mom had left, and it fit
her pretty well. She also wore my coxcomb, a many-pointed hood
which looked very graceful on her. Her nose and cheeks flushed by
the frozen air, she had become a most beautiful harlequin. As we
walked by the parkette near my place, Lan suddenly noticed my
stare.
"What?"
"Uh, nothing," I replied, looking away, telling myself to
stop phasing out like that.
"Lan," I said, trying to shift the subject into more
important matters, "who is the 'Master Programmer'?"
"The MP? Oh, he's the Big Guy, trans-dimensional hacker
extraordinaire, debugger of the Aleph, coder of most space-time
continua, both physical and imaginary, programmer of Life and
Death. He also wrote 'Space Invaders'. He's very proud of that
one."
"No doubt." I replied, watchful of the snowball Lan was
trying to conceal. "Is there any way to get in touch with him?"
"Well, he's a bit wary about email. After being flooded by
spam from various realities, he kinda got fed up and decided to
keep his online whereabouts under wraps. I'm afraid I don't know
how to contact him."
"Why?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Uh, well, I just wanted..."
"You want to complain! Is that it?! You think I'm buggy!" she
said, dropping her snowball.
"What...?"
"It's not my fault I'm a first release!" she cried, crocodile
tears filling her eyes, "It's not my fault that my heuristic
engine is still a beta!"
"No! It's not that! I just...I just want to try to make some
sense out of all this... about you.... "
"I told you, I'm here to help you!"
"But... help me with what?!?"
"That!" Lan stopped dead on her tracks, extending an arm, her
lips delineating that mischievous grin of hers, tears magically
gone.
We were now standing in the middle of the sidewalk. My gaze
slowly followed the direction she was pointing at, although
I had instantly realized where we were.
The large bookstore loomed next to us. I simply stood there,
somewhat shocked. I turned towards Lan, who was now looking at me
with a slightly compassionate expression.
"How... how did you know...?"
"Because," she replied, in a low voice, "that's what Computer
Girls are for."
---
I had first seen her one Saturday afternoon, while leafing
through one of those thick movie guides filled with reviews, most
of which I disagree with. She quickly passed next to me, carrying
about a dozen copies of Eco's "The Name of the Rose".
She was pretty, although I doubt she could be called beautiful.
No taller than my chest, raven shoulder-length hair, pale
features accentuated by her slightly goth-like way of make-up.
There a certain dignity and poise in her manner which somehow
struck a chord within me. I kept looking at her while she shelved
the books, unaware that I had begun to stare. She must have
noticed my gaze because she suddenly turned towards me. I managed
a typical awkward smile, usually returned under those
circumstances by a polite, yet contemptuous smirk. The girl,
however, just gave me a brief, warm smile, and went back to work.
I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had always been an habitue
of the local bookstores, but I found myself coming more and more
often to the one she worked at. After a few weeks it had become a
routine of mine to visit the third floor every Saturday or Sunday
(she only worked weekends), and spend half an hour or so trying
to concentrate on reading some book, always hoping to at least
catch a glimpse of her. The few times I managed to make eye
contact she gave me that nice smile of hers, and I just stupidly
grinned, never daring to speak.
These childish visits had been going on for a couple of months
now. Curiously enough, shuffling through the aisles had led me to
sample authors I had never read before. My love for Nabakov's
"Lolita", for example, flourished during those vaguely erotic
literary episodes.
I had never told anyone about this. I very much doubted I would
ever have the courage to approach her, and hence life went on,
tediously, always looking forward to that furtive, magnificent
half-hour.
Until now.
---
"Wait a second!"
"C'mon! Just _talk_ to her, will you?" nagged Lan, pulling me
by an arm. "She won't bite you! Although I'm kinda hoping she
_will_! Tee-hee!"
"Look Lan, we've got to return these videos, otherwise
they'll charge me a la..."
"Nonsense! We've got plenty of time!"
She finally managed to drag me into the store. This was the
biggest bookshop in the city, and hundreds of people were already
hunting for Christmas presents.
"Third floor, right?"
"Um, yeah." How did she _know_!?
As we went up the escalator I glanced around nervously.
"This is _not_ a good idea, Lan, I'm a complete weirdo as
far as she's concerned."
"Well, she's _right_! You'll just have to show her you're a
nice weirdo."
"But how? I don't know what to say to her! I'll make a fool
of myself!"
"Ah, what a clueless baka! You've _already_ made a fool of
yourself," Lan smirked. "Just ask her out after her shift or
something...."
"What? Now?!?"
"Of course! The sooner the better! Let me have those, I'll
return them," Lan said, taking the bag of videos from me.
"What if she says no?"
"Then the world will instantly explode!"
I was going to debate that last point, but we had finally reached
the third floor, and I was falling into that catatonic state
which rendered me quite incapable of coherent argumentation.
We stood near the travel guides. Hers was the literature section,
at the other end of the floor.
"OK, I'll wait here, but I'll be keeping an eye on you! Don't
try to wiggle your way out of this one, Lan-chan is not one to be
so easily deceived."
I gave Lan one last, pleading look.
"Go! Shoo! Shoo!"
I slowly made my way through maze-like aisles, wondering what was
I to do. The thought of reading a book to just pass the time
occurred to me, but I had the feeling Lan would not foiled by
such tactics. I turned to the left, into her "work zone".
Then the world would instantly explode....
The world would not, of course, explode, and that's what bothered
me. So what if she said no? What if she said _yes_?
I felt a small spark of hope ignite within me. Maybe Lan was
right, maybe I had been a fool. She had, after all, shown some
warmth towards me, however faint, which was a good sign. In the
greater scheme of things the stakes were hardly a life-and-death
matter. As courage built inside me, my determination grew, and my
pace quicken. I would just calmly talk to her, perhaps suggest an
innocuous tete-a-tete in the coffee shop on the first floor.
Nothing wrong with that, right? I decidedly turned into an aisle
to my right, gaining momentum.
I almost tripped over her.
She was kneeling down, just having finished shelving some books.
She then got up, giving me that quick smile, excusing herself as
she began to walk on past me.
"Um, hi there!" I managed to blurt out.
She turned around. She had charcoal black eyes, I had never
noticed that before.
"May I help you?"
Calm down! Relax! Think! Speak!
"I well... do you, um... I was wondering...."
"Yes?" she asked, slightly lifting her eyebrows, a pleasant
trace of a smile on her lips.
"I... I... I was looking for a book... um... 'Flowers for
Algernon'?"
"By Daniel Keyes?"
"Ah... yes, that's the one...."
"Yes, I'm pretty sure we have it," she replied, scurrying
down the aisle, while I haplessly followed, cursing myself. We
reached the "K" section, under which Keyes' novel was of course
shelved.
"Here we go," she said, handing me the book, "'Flowers for
Algernon'".
"Thank you," was all I could say, failing to produce anything
more than a sad smile.
"You are welcomed," she answered, smiling back. Did I notice
a faint trace of sadness in her features also?
I never did find out. Another customer was already asking her for
something. She left me behind, as I stood there, dumbfounded.
A few moments later, I made my way back to where Lan was.
---
I found her reading a travel guide to Japan.
"Eh? Back already?" Lan eyed me suspiciously.
I showed her the copy of "Flowers". She wasn't impressed.
"You were supposed ask her for a date, not a book!" Lan
said, somewhat exasperated.
"C'mon Lan," I told her quietly, "lets return those movies."
Lan opened her mouth as if to protest, but quickly reconsidered,
for which I was grateful. Lan shelved the travel guide but
insisted we buy the book. She then took my hand and I felt a bit
better. We left the store in silence, and didn't talk for a
while. I am certain now than Lan knew exactly how I felt at the
time, and what went through my mind that afternoon.
How I wish I could have said the same thing about me and her!
---
"Do you know Japan well?" I ventured.
Lan looked back at me, a slightly puzzled look on her face.
"I've never been there, I was made just yesterday, remember?
>From what I read it seems like an interesting place, though..."
"Well, but you do know Japanese, no?"
"Me? What makes you think that? Lan-chan doesn't like human
languages," she said, pouting a bit, "they are too inefficient
and slow, anyway. Being programmed with all those words and baka
grammar rules almost drove me crazy!"
"But you keep saying 'baka' and '-chan', and you knew about
'ecchi'," I replied.
"Would you rather I call you 'sukebe'?" Lan smiled
mischievously, "I know you've been fooling around, you little
devil you!"
"What do you mean, 'fooling around'?"
"Exactly what were you planning to do with that plunger,
anyway?"
"You... you _know_?"
"Sucker!" Lan laughed, wiggling the coloured tentacles on her
head.
We soon arrived to the video store, and after returning the
tapes I noticed Lan curiously glancing over the titles in the
anime section.
"So you like this stuff?" she wryly asked.
"It's OK...." I answered, nonchalantly.
"That's not what you were saying about Belldandy this
morning," she wooed.
"It's not _all_ like that, you know? We can get another and
I'll show you."
"Hmmmm, let's see here," Lan started grabbing tapes off the
shelf, "'Urusei Yatsura, a beautiful oni-alien meets the
lecherous Ataru....'"
"That's _not_ a good example, Lan."
"OK, how 'bout this one? 'Airbats, two beautiful pilots....'"
"No! You're picking all the ones which...."
"'No Need For Tenchi! When Tenchi discovers a beautiful
demon....'"
"No, Lan, no! Look, see here, uh... ah! 'Battle Angel'! Great
cyberpunk journey of self-discovery."
She took the box, unimpressed, and began to read aloud.
"When Cyber-Doctor Ido finds a beautiful cyborg girl...."
Nausicaa, alas, did not come to the rescue. It suddenly occurred
to me that....
"I'd say, Lan, you've never seen a _real_ movie, have you? At
the theatre?"
Lan abruptly looked up, eyes open wide. She slowly shook her
head.
This time it was I who took her by the hand, and guided her out
of the videostore.
---
"If you see mah waf... tell her... tell her I love her...
she's mah hummin'brd..."
It speaks volumes about my mind-set at the time that Cameron Poe's
heartfelt request managed to bypass the cynic entrenched deep
within me. Much to my surprise I felt empathy for the guy and his
quest to get to his wife and daughter. Lan didn't make it any
easier, as I could swear I heard her sniffling. Good thing Poe
went on to show us that "there is a God" by promptly killing
everyone on sight. I had already watched the movie once, but I
will probably never tire of seeing Malkovich get beaten, impaled,
maimed, smashed, electrocuted, dumped and beheaded in a span of
five minutes.
"Wow!" Lan exclaimed, as we later had a milkshake (well,
three in her case), at a nearby ice-cream parlour. "That was big!
And so _loud_!"
"Yeah," I replied, "THX is designed just for that purpose.
Wounded CK-123s crashing in Las Vegas never sounded so good...."
It was fun to talk to someone after watching a movie, another of
life's little pleasures vanquished by solitude. After half an
hour or so I excused myself to go to the bathroom, wondering once
again about Lan's curious physiology.
I then remembered. She was a Computer Girl.
The thought made me uneasy. I quickly washed my hands and
returned to the table. I found Lan scribbling something on her
place mat.
"Thanks!" she told the waiter, returning the pen as I sat
down.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing," she said, ripping a small square of paper and
handing it to me.
I read it, unable to make any sense of it.
"What's this?"
"Let's just say... a memento of a nice evening, OK?" she
replied, giving me a sweet, ingenuous smile.
I smiled back, trying to conceal my worries.
"We should probably be heading back, Lan, it's getting a bit
late...."
"Yes, we should," she replied with a trace of melancholy in
her voice. "After all," she quickly added, "we have important
things to do tomorrow, ne?"
She gave me wink, while I simply nodded, folding the little
message she had given me into my shirt pocket.
---
That night after Lan had gone to bed I logged onto the
AlphaStation at the university. I checked the memory situation
only to find that things had worsened considerably. A few deamons
had already crashed or turned into zombie processes, swapping was
sporadic but kept increasing. The system was starting to buckle.
I logged out of the Alpha and entered into the machine which
handled my email account. My hopes went up when I saw two dozen
messages in my inbox, but quickly dampened as I read the
responses I had received. They all basically said the same thing,
there was no way of fixing the kernel without shutting down.
Furthermore, the only suggestion as to saving the program
currently in memory was to coredump and analyze the binary image.
I already knew, however, that this particular process would not
create a corefile. It was hopeless.
A beep suddenly startled me. The "new mail" flag jumped. The
subject indicated another response to my query. As I glanced over
the sender field my heart skipped a beat.
I quickly read the message, unable to understand the more
esoteric aspects of the kernel's innards. He couldn't guarantee
anything, but a patch was promised by sometime the next day.
I checked the phone book. It was six hours later in Sweden, which
meant I'd likely get the patch Sunday afternoon. It was a long
shot, but the only chance I had left. I sent an email profusely
thanking the man, and logged out.
I changed in the darkness and lay on the couch. It had been a
bittersweet day, but one I would not trade for any other. I
thought of fickle Lan, her mysterious origin and her strange
matchmaking obsession. I thought of the girl at the bookstore and
Lan at the video store. I also thought about the "Master
Programmer". Was he supposed to be God? A hardened atheist once,
I had slowly evolved (progressed?) towards milder agnosticism.
There may be a God, I thought, but certainly not the one
religions preached about. ("If God did not exist, it would be
necessary to invent him.") Human traits contradict omnipotence.
If anything, we are a by-product of the existence of physical
reality, which is incapable of understanding or care. It just is.
Lan's "explanations", McLuhanesque as they were, made me think
about a discussion I had come across the net some time ago.
Reality is quite a complex framework, there are physical laws
which we try to understand, which are beautiful and universal.
Ultimately, we exist because this order exists, and furthermore
we are shaped and governed by it. Thus people can read,
understand and react to this sentence because Maxwell's laws hold
true in their monitor, their eyes, and the tiny synapses in their
brains. The question is, if electromagnetism were "different"
somehow, if, say, the chemistry in our heads behaved in a
slightly different manner, would one still "think" the same way?
Certainly not, just like changing a line of code might make a
program act in a very different manner. If the laws of Physics
are nothing but a cosmic tapestry of code, then maybe, just
maybe....
All these pointless mental ramblings made we weary, and did
little to quench my worries. As consciousness slipped away,
visions of kernels, hummingbirds, and Computer Girls danced in my
head.
---
I woke up with a start, in the middle of the night. It happened
sometimes that in my sleep I became very aware of my mortality.
It was strange, an overwhelming realization that my life would
end someday. No matter what I did, how notable, noble or wretched
my actions were, it would all come to an end. An eternity of
nothingness, how does one cope with that? Anguish filled me as
I grew increasingly desperate.
I got off the couch, needing to get up, feel more alive someway.
I looked out the window, trying to calm myself. I tried to
remember the time before I was born, which I of course was unable
to do, but which seemed to me to have been very peaceful. Being
dead, I assumed, must be similar, perhaps not such a bad fate
after all.
I heard my bed creak, Lan's soft footsteps slowly approaching
from behind. I was half-expecting for her to try to startle me,
but she too knew I had already noticed her presence. Instead, she
slowly put her arms around my chest, pressing a cheek against the
small of my back. We just stood there, silently bathing under the
light of the moon, feeling each other's breathing through our
bodies. Tears suddenly filled my eyes.
"I'm afraid Lan," I murmured.
She didn't respond, but tightened her embrace, just a little.
"Baka," she whispered.
I don't know how long we stayed there, together, but soon I heard
Lan gently snoring, still pressed against me. Trying not to wake
her, I led Lan back to my bed, and tucked her in. I spent a few
moments admiring her features before going back to the couch. As
sleep once again overtook me I wished that what Lan had said were
indeed true, that there really was a "Master Programmer". Had he
coded a heaven too? Were there Hollerith seraphs and binary
angels in it? Would there be a place for me?
I soon fell asleep, and did not wake up again until morning.
---
I slowly opened my eyes. The window facing the couch had become a
white wall, the view completely obstructed by the dense
snow storm outside. My night fears forgotten, I stretched,
yawning mightily. Silently I got up, hoping to see Lan in her
sleep again. I tiptoed towards my room, peeking inside.
She wasn't there.
I began to shiver, a little at first. It intensified as I checked
the kitchen and the bathroom. By the time I sat in front of the
computer I could barely type, as my fingers trembled
uncontrollably. The screech of the modem had never been so long.
I held my breath.
08:22am up 2 days, 4 hrs, 44 min, 1 user, load average: 1.01, 1.03, 1.00
67 processes: 65 sleeping, 1 running, 7 zombie, 0 stopped
CPU states: 99.1% user, 1.2% system, 0.7% nice, 0.0% idle
Mem: 64088K av, 63111K used, 32K free, 21675K shrd, 11566K buff
Swap: 39236K av, 19248K used, 19988K free 33371K cached
PID USER PRI NI SIZE RSS SHARE STAT LIB %CPU %MEM TIME COMMAND
55 mp 16 20 54732 49521 9486 R 0 98.7 97.7 31:36 Lan
76 mp 16 0 536 536 396 R 0 1.1 0.8 0:01 top
1 root 0 0 340 340 276 S 0 0.2 0.5 0:16 init
3 root -12 -12 0 0 0 SW< 0 0.0 0.0 0:00 kswapd
6 root 0 0 304 304 252 S 0 0.0 0.4 0:00 mingetty
4 root 0 0 0 0 0 SW 0 0.0 0.0 0:00 nfsiod
5 root 0 0 312 312 256 S 0 0.0 0.1 0:00 kerneld
2 root 0 0 0 0 0 SW 0 0.0 0.0 0:00 kflushd
"Just a few more hours..." I whispered.
A bit relieved and puzzled at the same time, I interrupted "top".
I had new mail.
Dear Bakecchi,
You drool when you sleep, have you noticed? Poor
Lan-chan! Stuck with a slob! :P
Watashiwa doko ni irudeshou? Eh? Eh? Guess? Yes? No?
En que pagina del libro de arena?
Rodeada de libros me encuentro, y acabo de ver
pasar a la ni~na de tus ojos -_^
A presto,
--Lan-chan
I glanced at the sender's email address: cg_lan@hotmail.com.
Lan was certainly resourceful, and didn't give up easily.
"The girl of my eyes," I thought as I prepared to leave. I didn't
even notice the frozen wind on my face, as an uneasy feeling
brewed within me on my way to the bookstore. It wasn't just the
fact that I was nervous about the black-haired girl, or worried
about Lan and my computer's increasing instability. No, it was
the troubling doubt which hovered at the very edge of my mind:
"Which one?"
---
I found Lan on the second floor, in the bookstore's computer
section. For five bucks an hour one could "surf the net",
although Lan just seemed to be reading Usenet through Deja News.
It struck me how pale she looked, even as she turned away from
the monitor's soft glow and stood up. She was again wearing the
coxcomb from the previous day, and my mom's jacket. Although she
hadn't unzipped it I could tell she was wearing her retro
clothing underneath.
"I've been reading some posts about those cartoon characters
you like so much. Talk about a bunch of losers! Can you believe
they even write about these fantasies? For ALL to see?!?"
"Lan," I said, not a little exasperated, "why are you here?
I'm worried about this computer thing, there's a memory leak..."
"Pffft!" Lan rudely retorted, "Don't pretend you don't know!
After yesterday's pathetic display we've gotta make amends,
fast!"
"Make amends? What are you talking about?"
"The book you bought yesterday is defective. Since you don't
have a receipt, you must tell this to the salesperson who gave it
to you so you can exchange it."
"Defective? What are you talking about?"
Lan thrust "Flowers" into my hands.
"It's missing the last ten pages," she told me.
I leafed through the book. The text ended abruptly on page 162.
"Lan, how do you know there are _ten_ pages missing?"
The Computer Girl grinned wily. It was, however, a rather weary
expression.
"Lan, this is silly, we should go to my office and..."
"Oh, what a hard-headed baka you are! Why must you so
antagonize poor Lan-chan?" she sighed.
"Me antagonize? Listen..."
Lan abruptly sat down, as if she had suddenly lost her balance. I
immediately kneeled in front of her, fearing another symptom of
her deterioration. In answer to my worried expression Lan simply
gave me one of her disarming smiles.
"Listen," she said, "just do this for Lan-chan, OK?
Afterwards I'll do whatever you want. Well, except for any ecchi
stuff..."
I sighed.
"OK, I'll just exchange the book and we..."
"And ask her for a date."
"What? Now? But..."
Lan closed her eyes, pouted, and crossed her arms, turning her
head away from me.
"OK, OK! Whatever you want! But we leave afterwards no matter
she says, deal?"
Lan's face gleamed. "Deal!"
"Just wait here, promise me that, OK?"
Lan-chan bent over and gave me a hug. I wasn't expecting that.
She whispered something in my ear, which at the time I took to
be "hai". I tried to hug her back, but she had already broken
the embrace. I slowly got up, a bit stunned.
"Run along!" she said, softly. Stupidly, I nodded, giving her
a sympathetic smile, and headed towards the escalator.
I glanced back once. I don't think Lan noticed. She was looking
at the monitor, not reading, but just longingly staring at the
screen, caressing the surface with three delicate, pale fingers.
As I turned away, a verse played through my mind:
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever...
---
She wasn't there. I had gone through the entire floor, checking
each aisle.
"May I help you?" somebody asked me from behind.
I recognized the bookstore employee. She was a plump, middle-aged
woman who had undoubtly seen me many times before.
"Um, I wanted to exchange this book," I said, rather
sheepishly. I noticed that she was carrying a copy of "The
Iliad".
"You'd have to take that up with customer service on the
first floor, sir," she courteously replied.
"Uh, yes, but, um, I lost my receipt, and I was wondering if
I could speak to the person who sold me the book. A young woman?"
Long black hair?" (I almost said "pretty").
"Lena? I'm afraid she doesn't work here anymore, just this
morning she came to pick up her things. But it shouldn't be a
problem, we don't necessarily require a receipt for an exchange."
I stood there, dumbfounded.
"Customer service will be glad to help you. Sir?"
"Um, yes... thank you," I answered, still dazed.
It's hard to describe what I felt at the moment. Surprise, of
course, a bit of loss perhaps -- and the certainty of what I had
to do.
Filled with a mix of elation and preoccupation, I headed towards
the escalators, gradually incresing my pace, briskly walking down
the mechanical steps.
I was nearly running by the time I reached the computer section.
---
She wasn't there. The computer which Lan had been using was
abandoned, its login screen asking to please insert a card in the
adjacent slot.
My legs buckled.
I went to the nearby "special orders" counter, where two
bored-looking guys sat in front of their computers. Had they seen
a young woman a few minutes ago on that machine? She was wearing
a funny hat. Yes, actually, they had. She didn't seem to be
feeling very well, but when they asked her if she needed some
assistance she said no and headed down the escalator.
Without even thanking them I took off, nearly free-falling to
the ground floor, rushing towards the exit.
Bitter winds stung my face as I ran out the bookstore. The skies
were cloudy and dark, but at least the snow had stopped falling.
looked around, trying to pierce through the thick multitude of
Christmas shoppers. I was about to head back to my apartment when
a flash of red on the sidewalk caught my attention. Dirty,
already half-buried in snow and mud, was Lan's coxcomb. I slowly
lifted it off the ground, and as I looked up I suddenly realized
the direction in which Lan was going.
I began to run.
---
Almost blindly I crossed streets, heading into the university.
The campus was deserted, as expected on a cold Sunday morning. On
my way I had to go through Queen's Park, home to brash squirrels
which ate out of your hand on warm summer days. As I approached
the centre of the park the snow became deeper, until it passed my
knees. Being already exhausted from running I could hardly
breath, and I had to stop for a moment. I looked around me,
through the fog coming out of my mouth. The park was deserted,
covered by a uniform sheet of white. I suddenly noticed a dark
mound to my right, nearly half a block ahead of me. It took me a
full minute to recognize it's vague, half-buried form.
Lan.
With the little strength I had left I ran towards her, clumsily
stumbling on the snow. She seemed so far away from me. With
tremendous effort I finally fell next to her, quick clouds
erupting from my mouth as I gasped for air.
"Lan! Lan!" I shouted, turning her on her back, placing her
head on my lap. My voice sounded distant, muffled.
Alabaster Lan trembled, her lively eyes dimmed and withered. She
moved her lips, but wasn't really trying to speak, she just
mouthed the words. What these were I never knew.
"Don't worry, Lan...." I said, with more fear than
conviction.
I had to get her out of there. Get some help. I looked around.
Nobody. I had to do it myself. My stomach hurt, I could barely
stand on my own. I put Lan's arm around my shoulder. So cold. I
tried to get up. Boots slipping on the snow. So weak. Tried
again. Easy now. Easy now.
I managed to get both of Lan's arms around my neck. My legs were
so wobbly I was afraid we'd fall. Her hands were so cold. Had to
start walking.
Don't think, walk, just walk.
"Hold on, Lan," I told her, "hold on tight."
She didn't, or couldn't. I started walking. I held her for both
of us.
---
I carried Lan for what seemed a very long time. No one in sight,
snow again began to fall relentless. My breath was laboured, my
arms hurt. And Lan so still, so quiet.
I tried to talk to Lan, comfort her. I couldn't. Nausea, an
overpowering urge to vomit. I had to stop for a moment. Why was I
becoming so dizzy? Salty mucus covered my lips. I licked them
clean. Lan. I began walking again.
Empty sidewalks, empty roads. Snow. A stairway, mountains dwarfed
in comparison.
I knelt at the entrance of the building which housed my office,
Lan still on top of me. I fumbled for the keys, frozen fingers
refusing to move. Still kneeling I scrambled for the lock, until
I finally managed to open the heavy door. I crawled inside,
dragging Lan behind me.
I somehow got on my feet, stumbling with Lan towards the
elevators. Pressed the button with my elbow.
Once inside I made her lean against the wall. Had it not been for
Lan's ghostly paleness I could have sworn she slept. First,
second, third floor. Lan stirred.
"Almost there, Lan, almost there...." I whispered.
Four, five, six.
The elevator doors opened, and I carried Lan those final steps
towards my office. In spite of the agony my arms were going
through, I sensed something strange, something scary: Lan was
getting lighter.
"No, Lan, no..." I whispered, as I raced down the corridor. I
leaned Lan against my back as I opened my office. The moment I
turned the key the door burst open, and we fell inside, Lan on
top of me. I gently placed her head on the cold tiles and rushed
towards my computer.
The xlock screensaver had already crashed. I didn't even try to
type anything. Windows were flashing out of existence, xterms
disappeared, one after the other, within the blink of an eye.
Starved for memory, buckling under the lack of resources, the
system began to crumble. The screen flashed as the windows
manager core dumped, the kernel complained its impending death.
I was no longer looking at the monitor. Kneeling next to moribund
Lan, I held her as close to me as possible, tighter than life
itself, praying that through some miracle she would not to leave
me. My Lan, unable to speak, gently stroked my hair, until her
tenuous fingers could no longer touch me, and I could hold her no
more.
She flickered once... twice... and disappeared.
---
Today it's been two years since Lan left. I came to the office
this morning, as usual, and did my research during the day until
my officemates left in the evening. As I have done every night
since that day, I started a couple of Lynx sessions, and
continued my systematic, ironic and cruelly misguided odyssey. I
do not care.
Sometimes I wonder if it actually happened, if it wasn't all a
complex delusion. The proof of my sanity lies on a scrap of paper
I found in a pocket, a handwriting not my own, a message I only
recently deciphered,
01001001 01101100 01101111 01110110
01100101 01111001 01101111 01110101
There are over one hundred million web pages and ftp sites on the
Internet, more than ten billion files in all, increasing every
day in number, but only one matters to me. Only one.
To this day, I search for her.
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