General comments first:
The language - is grammaticaly and technically fine, apart from the
commation, which is not always optimal. However, often it's very
much one short sentence after another just lined up; the prose
would flow much better if you connected them more frequently - this
story needs more conjunctions. ^_^ Also, the style is IMO a bit too
thin; perhaps try to make it a bit more descriptive and evocative.
Characterization - not much to be said about that; we don't really
see familiar characters much. Lanko feels rather, um, undefined so
far, but I guess that might work out as the story progresses. At any
rate, do try to give her an at least somewhat strong personality
in some direction.
Story - an all-too-common problem; things just seem to flow on
peacefully. There's a limit to how much we want to read about Lanko's
training, and we've only seen very vague hints, if even that, of what
plot is to come. Try to get to the point of conflict somewhat faster.
As it is, I can't really comment on story, because there *isn't* much
of it yet.
Nitpicks:
I use "Lanko" instead of "Ranko" because I saw the Viz 'Like Water for
Ranma' and got stuck on that name.
Then why "Ranko" in the message header? ,-)
Had he waited around a few more minutes he would
have seen a red headed girl emerge, sputtering and
coughing, from the pool
... Oops. ^_^
rolled down the hillside, hit her head rather soundly against
a tree, and lost consciousness.
...
I hope it's not going to be a "Ranko loses memory and turns into
a *real* girl" story - for with what's happened at *this* point,
there would be very little that made such a story one about
the actual Ranma.
Jusenkyo is only dangerous to the foolish or the
unwary. But only a fool would always travel this route,
eventually; the law of averages would catch up with you.
Then your never going swimming again.
Or the unlucky. ,-)
the commation looks misplaced - try:
route; eventually, the
you, and then you'd never go swimming again.
It was Ling-ling who noticed the body. Not
completely sure what she was seeing, she brought it to the
attention of Loa-shun. Loa-shun rode up closer to the
hillside to investigate. She called to Cologne.
�What should we do?�
Just a thought, but - if the other names are written
more chinese-style (Loa-shun vs Lotion, for example), why
is Cologne written as Cologne?
Cologne hopped up the hill. Loa-shun carefully
picked up the girl.
hill while Loa-shun
�A foreigner? No I only had two visitors in the past
No, I
month, a man and his son. They where martial artists from
Japan.� The guide grinned. �because of my foot I couldn�t
Because of my foot, I
give them the tour, they went off alone. The father is now a
tour, and they
�This girl is Asian. Despite her hair. Did you tell this
Asian, despite
�If anyone comes looking for a girl with red hair let
hair, let
Cologne arrived at the village by nightfall. The
tournament was long over, the feast was in full swing.
over, and the feast in full swing.
Cologne was shaken out of a sound sleep by
Shampoo.
Shampoo shook Cologne out of a sound sleep.
"What is it What's wrong?" Cologne feared the
worst.
it?
"She's awake, but she only speaks Japanese, so I
sent for you."
Considering that, for example, Mousse also speaks good japanese,
and Shampoo at least passably so, it seems odd that it would
be a rare skill among the village. Still, I guess it works as
a reason.
Lanko picked up her brush and dipping it in the ink
well, wrote the character in her notebook. She did not write
the equivalent Japanese character. She was learning to think
in Chinese.
"Equivalent Japanese character"? The japanese characters are
mostly stolen from China, so while the pronounciation is
different, the same character would be used. ,-)
Lanko closed her book. "Thank you for helping me."
Lanko bowed to Loa-shun. and left.
Loa-shun, and
If the communists where to attack it would likely be
with guns and tanks. The communists would have a nasty
tanks, but the
"Lanko, starting today Shampoo and I will be
teaching you martial arts"
arts."
Shampoo put her hand under Lanko's chin and
raised her head, about to kiss her cheek. A sharp pain in her
butt stopped her, she looked back. Cologne had her stick
firmly pressed against Shampoo's tail bone.
Strikes me as odd, too - Shampoo's really a nice enough person
when you're not on her bad side; I understood her an' Lanko as
being friends, and this as just a practice match.
Lanko stood silently watching the two women
argue. She wasn�t sure what she had done wrong but,
whatever it was, she wanted to make it up to Shampoo.
but whatever it was, she
Cologne called Lanko back over and the two girls
where again pitted against each other. This time Shampoo
were
Shampoo pocketed one of the drawings, she would
show it to Colgne later. The rest she put into Lanko�s
Cologne
�Stop!� Cologne held out her hand. Shampoo
stopped mid kick, Lanko backed off a little. Both turned to
face Cologne. �Come with me.�
The girls followed Cologne back home where she
built a fire. �I have here a bag of sweet chestnuts...�
Just a thought, but, in the original series, Shampoo does not
seem to have the chestnut fist training - she's fast, but not
that fast. Why, then, does Cologne give that training here?
I think she'd need some specific motivation.
Lanko stood up and bowed politly. After she left
Cologne took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It was
almost scary how good she was. Cologne decided that
Lanko should be married as soon as was managable. She
was old enough to bear children, and the sooner she got
started, the more she could have. The village would do well
to add her blood to their lines.
Eek. ^_^
************************************************
We�ll leave the Amazon Village for a while as Lanko
and Shampoo are taught the Chestnuts Roasting Technique.
We�ll move across the Sea of Japan, into Tokyo, and seek a
familiar Dojo. In which a pigtailed martial artist is locked in
Dojo, in which
A body hit the wall with a resounding THUMP, and
slid down to the floor. Kasumi Tendo (19), sitting on the
porch, looked up from her sewing. �Ryouga, will you please
not kill my Fiancee?�
Unless you have some more specific reason, I think they'd still
push Ranma off on Akane, curse or no curse. Kasumi still has
her objections against younger men. Possibly, I could see
*Nabiki* not protesting to it, though, since she seems to think
it would be cool with a handsome fiancee.
�Ryouga, your shirts fixed.� Kasumi held up a
shirt is (or shirt's, but I'd prefer the former)
---
Ronny Hedin, thark@mangakai.org, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
"Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."