Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic

By: Dreiser


EPISODE FIFTEEN: P.R. Problems. 


SCENE: A very long line at some Fre... err... Japanese movie theater. 
The figures of Shadow Play Girls A-ko and B-ko are seen with 
Saionji Kyouichi standing in line. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the 
background.

B-KO: (Laughs triumphantly.) We're the top players! We're first on 
the bill! We're the stars! 
A-KO: (Slowly.) Uh-huh...
SAIONJI: (Whispers.) What's with her?
A-KO: (Whispers back.) She thinks that we're being persecuted by 
the author and that our being in the first scene is a vindication of sorts.
SAIONJI: (Wisely.) Ah... I see.
B-KO: (Irate.) I can hear you talking about me and this is a vindication 
for us! For once we're going before those idiots who are stuck in the 
elevator!
SAIONJI: (Blinks.) Why do the people in the elevator always have 
the first scene anyway?
A-KO: (Shrugs.) Got me. Maybe because the series is named after 
them? (She pauses to think.) Well, it sort of is. 
B-KO: (Scowls.) It's because the author is playing favorites.
A-KO: (Looks at B-ko.) If she's playing favorites then why do we 
have the first scene today?

(B-ko falters for a reply as a random courier shows up.)

COURIER: (Holds a clipboard.) Are two you the Shadow Play Girls 
A-ko and B-ko?
A-KO: (Stares at the Courier.) Yeah, that's us.
COURIER: (Flips the clipboard towards A-ko.) Sign this.
A-KO: (Signs the paper on the clipboard.) What's this all about? We 
being subpoenaed or something?
COURIER: (Takes the clipboard back.) Don't ask me. I'm just a 
courier.

(He roots through his bag then hands A-ko a letter before he turns on 
his heel and walks away.) 

B-KO: (Peers over A-ko's shoulder.) What is it?
SAIONJI: (Dryly.) It's a letter. What does it look like?
B-KO: (Scowls.) Shut up, you! I meant what's it about.
A-KO: (Opens the letter.) I don't know...

(A-ko takes the letter out of the envelope then reads with both B-ko 
and Saionji peering over her shoulder.)

SAIONJI: (States the obvious.) It's another statement from the dinky 
author of this parody.
B-KO: (Glares at him.) We know that!
SAIONJI: (Returns the glare.) Well the readers didn't know. I was 
only trying to narrate it for them.
B-KO: (Irate.) That's our job!
SAIONJI: (Sniffs.) You'd hardly know it with the way you've been 
slacking off lately.
B-KO: (Dangerously.) What did you just say?
A-KO: (Stands in between them.) Break it up you two! We need to 
read this statement from the author.
SAIONJI: (Puzzled.) Wasn't there a statement from the author in the 
previous episode?
B-KO: (Irate.) Yeah, so?
SAIONJI: (Looks at B-ko.) Then why is there another one for this 
episode? It seems odd.
B-KO: (Snorts.) It's because the stupid author has public relations 
problems. Her episodes make no sense.
A-KO: (Rolls her eyes.) Like Ohtori ever makes any sense.
RANDOM VOICE: Are you going to read the statement or not?
A-KO: Of course we-- 

(A-ko halts in her speech as she, B-ko, and Saionji whirl around to 
see Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya. The latter of which still wears a 
purple wig on his head.)

MIKAGE: (Smirks.) Hiya.
A-KO: (Blinks.) What are you two doing here?
MAMIYA: (Clings onto Mikage's arm.) We decided to see if the 
movie will have any scenes featuring us.
B-KO: (Snorts.) Fat chance of that figment boy.
MAMIYA: (Narrows his eyes.) What do you mean by that?
B-KO: (Lights a cigarette.) Just that you're not even here. Everyone 
knows that you're a big old phantasm figment of the psyche.
SAIONJI: (Wears a blank face.) We do?
B-KO: (Groans.) We just read it in the letter, stupid!
SAIONJI: (It dawns on him.) Oh yeah...
A-KO: (Looks at the letter.) That reminds me! (She clears her throat 
and reads.) This is a statement from the dinky author of this parody. It 
has come to my attention that Chida Mamiya is not a real person but 
rather big old phantasm figment of the psyche. Therefore whenever he 
appears in any episode that episode will be just as much a figment as 
he is. Meaning that they will not exist nor will the events in them. 
Thank you for your time and if this statement confuses you please 
direct all your questions to the Anime Multiverse Guild.
MAMIYA: (Dazed and confused.) I'm not here?
A-KO: (Crumples the letter up.) Looks like it.
B-KO: (Ponders.) Wait a minute... if he's here and if what that stupid 
author said is true then none of this is even happening! (She glares at 
Mamiya.) Thanks a lot! We just lost screen time because of you!
MAMIYA: (Shrugs.) Don't blame me. I'm not here.
MIKAGE: (Frowns.) If you're not here then how am I paying for all of 
your clothing and hair dresser bills?
MAMIYA: (Smiles and clings onto Mikage's arm.) Because you're my 
sweetie pie!
MIKAGE: (Rolls his eyes.) Right.
SAIONJI: (Stares at Mamiya. Hesitantly.) Can I ask why you're 
wearing that wig?
B-KO: (Snickers and blows a smoke ring.) Why you want to know 
Saionji? Want to get one for yourself?
SAIONJI: (Offended.) Certainly not! It's just that he looks disturbingly 
similar to my beloved Anthy with it on.
MAMIYA: (Wears a wicked smile.) That's the idea.
SAIONJI: (Not really listening.) Ah, I see. That's what-- (He pauses 
to stare at Mamiya.) It is?!
MAMIYA: (Nods as he clings to Mikage.) My traditional schtick in 
the series has always been the premise of wanting to replace the Rose 
Bride. So I decided that I might as well look like her too.
A-KO: (Considers this.) But that makes no sense...
B-KO: (Puts out her cigarette.) Why would you want to do that?
MAMIYA: (Shrugs as he clings to Mikage.) It's in the script.
A-KO: (Wisely.) Ah.
B-KO: (Mutters.) Stupid author.
SAIONJI: (Twitches.) Well, I can't stand this for this any longer! It's a 
travesty and an insult to my beloved!

(Saionji abruptly rips off Mamiya's wig and throws it aside. As 
Mamiya shrieks the wig is swept up in a strong current of wind and 
flies off into the distance.)

MAMIYA: (Clutches his head.) How dare you--
SAIONJI: (Interrupts.) How dare I?! How dare you try to replace my 
beloved Anthy! No one can... (He pauses to stare at Mamiya and 
gasps.) It can't be!
MAMIYA: (Looks at himself.) What? Am I fat? Do I have a pimple? 
Is my hair messed up? What is it?
SAIONJI: (Eyes wide.) You look like HIM.
A-KO: (Squints.) Hey, you're right. He sort of does.
B-KO: (Makes a face.) Great. That's the last thing we need around 
here. Two of him running around.
MIKAGE: (Sighs.) Now, really. Mamiya-chan only looks a little bit 
like him. It's hardly a mirror image.
MAMIYA: (Frustrated.) Who do I look like?!

SCENE: The Upside Down Castle. Ohtori Akio is sitting in a lazyboy 
recliner next to Dios who sits on his own. They're staring at the big 
screen television in front of them. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the 
background.

DIOS: (Looks at Akio.) ...
AKIO: (Stares at the television mesmerized.) Yeah. The Teletubbies is 
a complicated show.

SCENE: A very long line at some Fre... err... Japanese movie theater. 
The figures of Shadow Play Girls A-ko and B-ko are seen with 
Saionji Kyouichi standing in line. Standing with them is Mikage Souji 
and the figment of Chida Mamiya. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in 
the background.

MAMIYA: (Buries his face in Mikage's chest and wails.) I liked being 
a normal figment better!

(Mikage tries to comfort the figment of Mamiya as the scene fades to 
black.)

To be continued...

All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical 
out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I 
shall continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because 
sometimes I just don't feel like making the effort to write things in story 
format and sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't 
take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.

Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com

Thrilling trailer line: What will happen next week?! Will Touga and the 
elevator get the first scene again?! And will the figment of Mamiya 
show up to make yet another episode nonexistent?! Remember, none 
of this happened! It's all been a big old phantasm figment of the 
psyche! Confused yet?

Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780

Thanks to Red Death all my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm

For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2.html

A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:

"Everything is everything."
-Lauryn Hill-

UTENA: (Looks up at blinks.) And what's that supposed to mean?
JURI: (Smirks.) That everything is everything.
UTENA: (Scowls.) Oh, that was real helpful Juri.
JURI: (Chuckles.) It's not my quote.
UTENA: (Grumbles.) Freaky author...