As always, comments are welcome

Beyond what I comment on below, my thoughts on this series remain the
same. It's a nice little thing - the prose could be better, but works
well enough to tell the story. The characers - generally behave
as they would with regard to who they have become so far; I don't
fully agree with how they've changed, but it's too late now to rewrite
from chapter 1. ^_^

At any rate, as I've said before, this is a type of story I think there's
not enough of on the FFML; a continuing series of a more
romance/drama-type - in contrast, there's far too many of 'em big and
heavy epics. It's not deep, great literature, or perfectly executed,
but it still makes you want to know how the various conflicts will
proceed, and what will happen to the characters.

I *do* think, though, that it could benefit from some more thought and
polishing - a few extra rereads, a few extra seconds spent thinking
on what would be the best wordings in each paragraph when writing, etc.

"Yes he would!  Don't you understand?  When he was trying to curse
Ranma, he threw the water at him even though he was in a crowd of
children!  When Mousse is angry, he doesn't care who might get hurt,
who might be in the way.  If he gets angry at you, he's not going to

IMO "who might get hurt, or who might be in the way."

"Kasumi?  Listen to Akane.  Remember what Shampoo told us--he's been
fooling her all these years.  He's stronger than her, and she's afraid
of him.  I didn't think Shampoo would be afraid of anything!  I don't
want you wandering around alone.  If you have to go out, take your
father with you."

Mousse being stronger than he's let on? I'm not sure I buy that. Going
easy on Shampoo, of course - but against Ranma &co? Still, I *can*
see it.

That, and personally, I'm somewhat against the ol' "Mousse gets a grip
and suddenly he's a superfighter" cliche. ^_^

At first, Soun started to get angry.  What gave Ranma the right to
tell him what to do?  Then he stopped to think.  He'd made Ranma
promise to protect Akane.  Now Ranma wanted him to protect Kasumi.  It
was only right.  A father should protect his daughter.

I think a more immediate reaction would be "My daughter is in
danger? Waaah!" or possibly "How dare you put my daughter in danger?"

is.  May I assume that the three of you know, ?"

know?"

her, but could not remember which train she took.  Mousse nearly
reached in through the window to grab him, thought better of it, and
stalked off.  The ticket seller watched him go, hoping the violent
young man would never find the girl he sought.

Thought better of it? I think he *would* grab the poor man and shake
him about a bit. "Maybe you can rememeber if you try harder" etc - he
*is* pretty desperate at this point, I'd wager?

(Well, grab the poor man or some other nearby object ^_^) 

Shampoo put on a bibbed apron, rolled up her sleeves, and sat down at
the worktable.  After a few days of idleness, she'd practically begged
Mrs. Hayasuka to be permitted to help out in the greenhouse.  Her
future mother-in-law nodded, took her into the greenhouse, and gave
her into the hands of the head gardener.

Do you really use an apron in a greenhouse? Maybe you do, I have no
idea, just struck me as an odd image.

She hadn't left anything behind
that could possibly give him a clue.

rrrrrrrrrrroit.

"It's not there any more.  There was an. . .accident, and all of the
springs ran together and formed a lake.  I'd heard that the man who
lives there drained it, but I don't think the springs came back,
because my father would have written to tell me."

Weren't they shown to have come back? (I could be wrong)

Two days later, when the paper came out, it seemed that everyone on
campus was carrying one.

The jump seems a bit odd there to me - maybe a scene break?

The door opened as Akane was reaching for the oil, and she stopped to
smile at her husband, and welcome him home.  Something about her tone
of voice made Ranma stop short and look at her.  Akane looked
unusually tense, and her greeting made Ranma feel as if he were in her
way.

IMO, paragraph break. (welcome him home.<P>Something about her)

Nodoka smile disappeared.  Genma was munching the last of an
okonomiyaki, and had another in his hand.  She ran back to the grill,
and pushed her husband towards the kitchen.

the last of? Hm. The last parts of? Something like that, anyway.

"That bit with the light.  She had a blue light on her, so how did a
red light come from her hands?  I could see the red spotlight when it
surrounded the demon, but not when it was in her hands."

"Shh!  Stop being scientific and just watch!"

I don't really think "scientific" is a good word there.

"Too bad she's married then."

I think you should include a "boohoo! ;_;" reaction to that.

As far as the cast and crew were concerned, it was a completely
successful opening night.  No one forgot their lines, the audience
laughed when they were supposed to, gasped at the appropriate times,
and applauded thunderously at the end.

IMO, "concerned, the opening night was a complete success."

Yoshimi popped the cork from yet another champagne bottle, and poured
more glasses for everyone.

"Yet another"? Um... OK. Makes it sounds like too much / too trivial IMO.

"Woderful job, evbody, woderful."

Wonderful

"You're going to have to forget about that one.  She's tough enough on
her own, but I hear her husband is tougher."

IMO "own, and I"

"Aww, thish stuff won't hurtya, you'll be fine."

If they're a whole *group*, and have drunk enough *champagne* to be
slurring - that's got to *cost*, considerably. As a university play,
I'd guess it's at least aimed as non-profit?

The followers kept the three in sight, hoping Mishi would go off on
her own once they left campus, but her companions stayed with her.

"Damn!  I know those two live on campus.  I was sure they wouldn't
keep going."

"Maybe we'll have better luck another time."

Then he spotted another pretty girl, who was walking alone.

Going from "the followers" (they) to "he" is a bit awkward here IMO.
Maybe "one of them", or something.

another pretty girl, walking alone.

This time Ranma shot into a sitting position, eyes wide.

Sure, the boy has an impressive constitution - but as a non-drinker,
having been fairly intoxicated the previous night, and that exclusively
on wine/champagne/whatever, I think he'd be feeling some ill effects,
especially if awoken early next morning. Same goes for Akane, for that
matter - they seem perhaps a bit TOO cheery.

"I was hoping you would come today!  I think I said something wrong to
my therapist."

Again, something I'm not quite sure I buy - Ukyou having gone *this*
far. Sure, she's desperate, but I still think she'd realize *why*
the therapist doesn't understand (just not agree).

As another thought - wouldn't they check who Nodoka is *before* they
let him in? In the previous scene, it seemed like the doc had *no*
idea who the visiting woman was, whereas the knowledge that it's
Ranma's mother should make it obvious pretty quickly what's going
on.

Cologne opened the door of the Nekohanten, and looked up and down the
street.  It was obvious from her expression that she was extremely
annoyed.  Mousse was missing, and Cologne couldn't open the restaurant
without anyone to help run it.

"Where is that boy?"

Feels like a repetition - we already *know* he's missing, and don't
need Cologne to tell us so.

Hoping that he would not miss their departure, Mousse had run straight
back to the Nekohanten, and retrieved some of the money he had hidden
in his room.  He ran back to the station in time to see the pair board
a train, and he got onto the next car.

Cologne gave up, and turned out the lights in the front of the
restaurant.  Evidently, Mousse was off searching for Shampoo again.
As long as he was gone, Cologne would take the opportunity to do some
more packing.  She'd already shipped off several boxes to China
without Mousse's knowledge, and within a few days she would be on her
way home.

The shifts back and forth between Cologne and Mousse's action seem
a bit sudden here - since they're very distant.

Shampoo nodded nervously, and looked very relieved when the lights in
the auditorium dimmed.  She thought back to the previous day, as Shiro
watched her practicing.  The look in his eyes was admiring, and then
his face grew serious.

This confused me a bit - until I realized why.

the previous day, when Shiro had watched her practicing. The look in his
eyes had been admiring, and then his face had grown serious.

(you get the idea)

She'd started with the basics, and Shiro tried hard, but it would be a
long time before he would be anything but a handicap in a fight.  This
convinced Shampoo that Shiro would be in more danger from Mousse than
she would.  Cologne had told her that she would try to convince Mousse

would be in more danger from Mousse

to return to China.  Shampoo hoped with all her heart that her
great-grandmother would succeed.

China, and Shampoo hoped

"I don't know, Mother Saotome.  I wonder the same thing about Ukyo."

Nodoka flinched, and grew quiet.

Personally, I'd think she'd start some rant about how Ukyou is different
because there's a debt of honor involved, etc; at least some short
comment to the effect.


---
Ronny Hedin, thark@mangakai.org, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."