"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

Here's a draft of the newest chapters
C&C would be appreciated

Righto!

Akane opened her eyes, turned off the alarm, and wriggled out of
Ranma's embrace.  She quietly walked into the kitchen and dialed
Nerima.  It was very early, but Kasumi had probably been awake long
before Akane.

Having Akane's name repeated there just seems weird to me. Could you say
"awake for hours already" or something else?

"Everything's fine here, but I'm worried about you.  I want you to be
very careful, Sis.  Watch out for Mousse--he can be very dangerous."

"That's what Shampoo said, but I don't think he would harm me."

Actually, with Mousse the biggest danger is that he'll attack you
thinking you're someone else.

"I'll take good care of her, Son.  Mousse wants to know where Shampoo
is.  May I assume that the three of you know, ?"

know?"

Also, I don't think 'Son' should be capitalized; it's a descriptive
sorta thing, not a name.

"Seems Shampoo just hit Shiro.  I take it she didn't care for his
remark about needing my help to get through the wedding."

The honeymoon, on the other hand....

"Nah, it's the play.  She's all wound up about it.  Funny thing, I
think this is scaring her more than our wedding did."

Shiro spilled his tea.

"Heh.  Guess I shouldn't say that word in front of you right now."

Not sure which word he means.

At first, Akane was angry.  She'd worked so hard to get everything
ready, and now Ranma didn't want her to cook.  Didn't he appreciate
how hard she was trying?  She struggled with an intense desire to hit
her husband, and tried to clear her mind.  Ranma wasn't trying to
insult her, he was trying to help.  She smiled at him, and tried not
to giggle when he let out a sigh of very obvious relief.

I think this bit could be rewritten for better dramatic effect. As it
stands, the trouble kind of ends before it begins, and the "at first"
tells us right away that there's nothing to worry about. I'd suggest
having one paragraph where Akane's anger is building (and don't tell us
that it's only an 'at first') to build a little dramatic tension; then
another one where she calms down and realizes that he didn't mean
anything bad.

Ucchan's was full of happy diners when they entered.  Nodoka looked up

>from the grill and waved at her son.  The smile she gave Akane was not

quite as warm.  Ranma didn't notice, but Akane did, and her heart
sank.  She was very fond of Ranma's mother, and didn't want Nodoka to
be angry at her; but that wasn't going to make her change her mind.
Ukyo was not going to lay a finger on her husband.

I don't think fingers are quite what she has in mind.... :-)

"I'm sure there are plenty of dishes to wash, Dearest."

Again, I don't think 'dearest' should be capitalized.

Ranma watched as Akane applied her makeup.  Normally, Akane's makeup
was rather understated, and the theatrical makeup was quite a
contrast.

Does she normally wear makeup at all? BTW, you repeat the word 'makeup'
three times here. You could just say 'Akane's was rather...'

Three rows back, two other observers made their own comments.

"We should have gotten first row seats.  I bet from there you can see
their panties."

Forget it, man. This is the DIC version. :)

"Want to go again tomorrow?"

"Yeah.  I especially want a better look at Mars and Mercury."

The Astronomy Club strikes again....

"That's what I said, but Administration wouldn't hear of it.  They're
afraid their precious reputation will be tarnished if what happened
becomes public knowledge.  I did tell them that the women on campus
deserve to be informed, but they shouted me down."

"I don't like this at all.  We can't be everywhere."

Some obvious foreshadowing here....

"I know, Mother Saotome, but I have to stick to my list.  This is
about all we can afford this week."

Nodoka had the grace to blush.

"I shouldn't interfere.  I'm sorry."

Good that you're not making Noddy's characterization completely
one-sided. (Now could you do the same for Mousse? ^_^)

"Okay if we go in."

Think that should have a question mark instead of the period.

After the initial surprise of seeing her sister, Akane was soon deep
in conversation with her, Shampoo, and Nodoka.  Shampoo had informed
her of Mousse's presence in the theater, and  Nodoka needed to be
filled in on the relationship between Shiro and Shampoo, and the
danger from Mousse.

"That man is too persistent.  Why doesn't he understand that you are
not interested?"

Akane used that question as an opportunity.

"I don't know, Mother Saotome.  I wonder the same thing about Ukyo."

Nonsense! Ukyo knows full well that Shampoo isn't interested in her! :-)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html