Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

Overall, excellent as usual. 
I have a few minor comments ##. 

Thanks! BTW, it saves space if you snip out sections of the story about
which you have no comments.

       The curse was the first of his problems. Cold water turned him
into a genie, complete with the ability to grant wishes. But he didn't
have control over his powers the way that the genies in the old stories
and legends did. Wishes that people made around him just got fulfilled
automatically, with him having no say about it. He didn't even seem to
be able to interpret the meaning of wishes the way he wanted to.

##Forshadowing. ^_^ My preference would be to work this into the story
rather than a long exposition.

This was pretty much already shown in the previous part; just a recap
for those who came in late. :)

       Of course, it made a kind of sense when he thought about it. The
curse gave him the body and powers of a genie, but not the skills that
one would have. It was the same as if someone fell into the Spring of
Drowned Hard-ass Martial Artist; they'd get the muscles, and maybe fast
reflexes, but they probably wouldn't know any special attacks until
somebody came along to teach them.

##Again, better IMO to work this into the story. Also, I'm not sure the

I'm at a loss to see how this could be worked into the story; it's just
Ranma's speculations as to why the powers don't work the way he'd like
them to.

anology
holds. Martial arts are reflexive. If a cursed duck can fly a cursed
martial artist
would probably have the skills. Some how the 'special attack' == 'genie
power' seems
a little strained.

This is meant primarily as a plausibility argument for why Ranma doesn't
have control over his powers, which was something a lot of people were
asking about when the last part came out.

##???I'm not sure 'disgusting' is the right word. Seems just a wee bit severe.

Probably right; will think of something to change it to.

       "I don't *believe* you!" Akane had never seen such a case of
school-phobia before from anyone over the age of seven. "You're acting
like a little kid!"
##This paragraph is just a little awkward IMO. 

I'll work on rewriting it.

       "WHAT did you call me?!" She stepped forward into his room.
##I like the idea for this misunderstanding. It feels a bit rushed and
awkward. IMO
needs to be polished just a little. It reads a bit unevenly. The idea is
good. I like arguments
that have a real reason for being. ^_^

I tried to think of ways to make some of these stock scenes a little
funnier, without going into parody mode. I'll see if there's any way to
rewrite it to make it more natural.

       Ranma quickly followed Akane out of the Tendo grounds into the
street. A gray overcast haze blanketed the morning sky. Rumblings
echoed
in the distance, as if forecasting doom.
##IMO, leave off the �as if forecasting doom'. It seems a little heavy handed.

I'll think about this.

##^_^ Just a personal request. Can we please have Ranma whapped severely
and often
about the head and shoulders for begin a stupid sexist jerk? ^_^

Don't worry. Ranma in this series will get everything that's coming to
him, and then some. :-)

       Across the table, Akane Tendo silently fumed. *I'll get you for
this, Ranma....*

##Why silently??? She's never been silent before ^_^
Unless she's waiting until she finishes dinner to clobber him.(Just kidding)

One can assume that the wish is limiting her behavior. It's not a date
if she pounds the crap out of him. :)

       A female-sounding voice came out of nowhere. "Aaargh! They're
all cold! Why can't this stupid school have hot water faucets?"

##Yes, why doesn't it?? You might have Hikaru explain this to the 'ghost'.

He probably doesn't know either. It's his first day too.

       He pulled the blanket over his head, covering himself
completely. Then he felt it jerked away. Looking up, he was standing in
the middle of a circle of girls, many wearing no shirt, all wearing
angry scowls.

##IMO this paragraph is a little awkward.

Will work on it.

       "Oh my, hello, Ranma." Kasumi smiled at him as she swept off the
porch. "How was your first day at school?"

##"Oh my" ^_^
IMO you can leave off this  "Oh my", OR the name Kasumi since "Oh my" is an
identifier. (In most cases. Personally I like to have anybody BUT Kasumi
say "Oh my".)

You're right, I really don't need the 'Oh my' here.

##Very nice. I'd like to see more of Akane's reaction to her �date'.
For instance, why not just leave and head for school on her own.

Kuno wished for a date with her, and that forced her to stay until it's
over or until Ranma goes back to male form. I could put in a scene where
Ranma meets back up with her, but I'm not sure how to make it funny or
interesting (it'd just be another Ranma gets pounded scene).

And what is the significance of �mother Bess'???

You don't know it? It's an old standard. Kasumi's got it just a tiny bit
wrong, though. :-)

Thanks for the feedback!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html