On Sat, 12 Jun 1999, Edward Becerra wrote:
[snip]
It's a little weird, but I hope it will make you all
laugh. It'a a Ranma fic that doesn't actually star Ranma.
It certainly made me laugh. ^_^
[snip]
Have fun, and enjoy..
"Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2"
Not to sound ign'ert, but who is Pagliacci? Isn't that a fat italian guy who
sings opera?
Part 1
*********************************************************
Gosunkugi Hikaru wasn't a martial artist. He wasn't much of a physical
specimen at all, in fact. A loud shout was all that was really needed to
knock him flat on his rear. And he was just as blind to the facts of life in
Nerima as anyone else involved in the chaos that surrounded Saotome Ranma.
Maybe it's just me, but I always got it beat into my head that you don't begin
a sentence with "And". Perhaps, ... "rear--he was just as blind to the facts
of life ..." (The double dash does an admirable job as serving as an informal
semi-colon. ^_^) or "... rear. He was just as blind ..."
But he did have one small gift. It wasn't much, and he didn't quite know
how to make use of it properly. Still, it was his.
Nitpick: The same that applies for "and" applies for "but" IIRC. Not to
mention it doesn't really help the tone of the sentence (kinda like deadwood).
He knew how to research. He studied things with an obsession that even
Ranma and Kuno might have respected if they weren't entirely devoted to
martial arts. And now that gift was about to change his life.
Heh. The School of Anything Goes Martial Research? ^_^
* * *
His hands shook as he opened the package his mother had just brought to his
room. Covered with stamps from America, it was quite colorful. He'd recently
"It was covered with American stamps that were quite colorful." (active passive
thing and tense)
spoken with Tendou Nabiki, agreeing to use his skills in photography to
^^^^^^^^
tense problem, "and agreed"
catch Ranma and Akane in real life poses, giving her the film in lieu of
cash to repay his debts to her. He'd also begun developing some of Nabiki's
films for her, his labor going to pay off what he owed her. (It had to be
admitted, Hikaru cost her nothing, and Nabiki saved the price of a regular
photo developing shop.) The result was, for once, that he'd had enough money
The paranthetical phrase, is this Nabiki's thoughts, or is it the narrator?
to purchase the contents of this package from a strange old man living in
America.
He frowned, as the cancellation mark on the stamps seemed to squirm and
writhe, causing his eyes to tear. It wasn't easy to read. He checked the
return address.
Heh. I didn't know they used the Elder sign to cancel postage in Arkham. :)
[snip]
What he HAD bought and paid for, at a VERY high price, was all that the
justly famous (and justly INFAMOUS) library of the occult at Miskatonic
^^^^^ justifiably?
University had on the subject of the cursed Valley of Jyusenkyo and its
Pools of Sorrow.
As he stacked the books on his futon before sorting them, a small
envelope, taped to a fan-folded piece of paper, fell at his feet. Stooping,
he opened it.
"Gosunkugi-san,
[snip letter]
Dexter Ward Smythe."
Dexter Ward Smythe? :) Gee. Can we say, "foreshadowing" boys and girls? I
knew you could.
Shuddering, Hikaru started to set the map aside when his fingers slipped
and both the letter and the map fell to the floor. The creases of the old
map sprang open and Gosunkugi grumbled as he tried to fold it back up. Then
a line of text caught his eye.
"The spring of what?" He shook his head in disbelief, and set the map aside
on the shelf with the rest of his books and scrolls on the occult.
It stayed there, untouched, for several weeks.
Ahh. Here lies the interesting bit. The map as a plot device is really
interesting, because (I may be reading too much into it) that the map itself
may be part of a larger curse. Consider that if Hikaru hadn't had the map
would he have gone after Jyusenkyo? If the map has a history (and it most
probably does) then it was created by the same evil bastard (presumably) that
created the pools of sorrow. Which in my mind creates some interesting
questions: 1) Who (or what) created the springs, and why? 2) Why create a
magical map that labels every spring? 3) What is the nature of the Jyusenkyo
curse?
* * *
[snip]
His latest scheme to drive Ranma away and win the heart of the fair
Akane had failed almost as badly as the Russian economy. The spell he'd
tried to cast to attract every stray cat in Tokyo to Ranma, thereby throwing
him into the Neko-ken permanently, hadn't worked as planned.
I like the analogy. Not too many things can bomb quite that well. And you
neatly sidestepped using a cliche.
To his astonishment, the spell HAD worked, attracting cats from every
direction. Unfortunately, they hadn't been attracted to Ranma. Hikaru hadn't
QUITE gotten it right, and the cats were attracted to the spellCASTER, not
the spell victim.
Why am I reminded of a certain Wile E Coyote? :)
He was suddenly buried alive in a pile of lively and extremely affectionate
cats, unable to move, while Ranma ran away screaming "C-c-c-caaaats!"
After nearly half an hour, he finally managed to extract himself from the
mewing, purring heap of furry feline adoration. He limped home, covered in
cat dander, trying to avoid stepping on or stumbling over the few remaining
cats that still stubbornly trailed him, loudly proclaiming their love.
Finally arriving safely (if not alone) at home, he took the Scroll of
Feline Attraction outside and carefully burned it. Then he stirred the
ashes, making certain it was completely destroyed. The ashes were carried
back into the house and flushed down the toilet.
*I am NOT taking another chance with cats. Never again,* he thought,
futilely brushing at the cat fur still clinging to his pants.
Changing clothes, he sat on his futon and thought. In the past three weeks,
he'd tried four schemes (counting the cat scroll spell that had gone awry)to
separate Ranma and Akane, and/or attract Akane to win her love. This had
resulted in: one beating from Tatewaki Kuno who had somehow managed to
realize that Hikaru was trying to win Akane's hand; one thrashing from
Ryouga who'd realized that Gosunkugi had tried to use a spell on Akane; one
malleting from several of the girls at school when they caught him trying to
obtain a thread of Akane's hair from the drain trap in the girl's shower;
and, of course, the avalanche of cats that had inadvertently buried him up
to his neck in overly-affectionate felines.
[snip]
"Perhaps I should just give up," he moaned, burying his face in his
folded > arms. "I'll never win. I have NOTHING to offer a girl, I'm nothing
any girl > could EVER want!"
Heh. This is like Mr. Coyote canceling his ACME account.
Many famous people have often noted that making a flat-out statement like
that is the practical equivalent of express-mailing a challenge letter to
the Gods. A _rude_ challenge letter. For the most part, these famous people
are dead-on right.
Particularly in this case.
As Hikaru wretchedly rocked back and forth on his futon, a stray gust of
air pushed gently on the old map that Gos had carelessly thrust between a
pair of books. It slipped easily from between the slick leather covers of
the two volumes flanking it, fluttered through the air not unlike a
parchment butterfly and stuck Gos ever so softly atop his bowed head.
He tried to bat it away blindly, but luck, fate, or magic seemed to be on
the side of the map. It persisted in staying squarely atop his head.
Finally, he opened his eyes, and using both hands, grabbed the map, ready to
throw it across the room in his misery.
That was when the map fell open to the spot it had unfolded to the day he'd
first received it. To a listing of all the cursed pools of Jyusenkyo, and
what had drowned in each one. The name he'd noted before caught his eye, and
he sat rock-still on the futon. An idea, a crazed, bizzare idea, filled his
young mind.
[snip]
"That's it!" he whispered excitedly. "That's the secret! Akane thinks
of > Ranma as a hero. Someone who always saves her, no matter what the danger
is! > That's IT! She can only love a _Hero_!"
Ahh, Hikaru could be a master logician.
He shot to his feet, banging his head sharply on the bookshelf above his
bed, knocking books across the room and all over the floor. He paid this no
attention, though.
"If it's a Hero that Akane requires, then it's a Hero I'll give her!" he
shouted, unconsciously striking a pose with one arm (the one holding the map
in its clenched fist) thrust into the air. "Yes! Yes! Bwahahahahahahaha!
Akane needs a Hero. AND I WILL BECOME THAT HERO!"
"Hi-chan? Is something wrong?" came the voice of his mother from the next
room. "Did you break one of your dolls again?"
Gosunkugi face-faulted violently.
* * *
Gosunkugi Hikaru, in his rather single-minded pursuit of Tendou Akane, had
amassed quite a collection of spell-books, cantrips, scrolls, and what was
probably (with one notable exception) the single largest collection of
voodoo paraphernalia in all Asia.
[snip]
(The one exception was a collection belonging to a elderly mystic in
Tibet, > and as this mystic was quite busy training a young American surgeon
to be > his future replacement as Sorcerer Supreme of the Earth, said
collection > wasn't available. It therefore didn't have any effect on
Gosunkugi's plans.)
Hmm. I'm not quite sure what this adds to the story. As an aside, it's
interesting, but rather distracting.
Gos was about to have a going-out-of-business sale.
Soon, signs sprouted around the apartment where he lived, hand-made posters
appeared on every concrete pillar and wall, and he even arranged with a
friend to advertise on the internet. (The internet auction house of
Ebay.com, as Hikaru discovered, was Kami-sent. Ideal for his purposes.)
Hmm. :) Without belaboring the recent exchange of whether or not X or Y Ranma
character would use email, but you might have an easier time if his friend's
resource was alt.for-sale.occult instead of the somewhat anachronistic ebay.com.
School break finally rolled around, and Gos put his plan into action. He'd
arranged to make his parents think he was going to a spa to try to build up
his health, using the money he'd made from the sale of his collection. This
wasn't even a lie, strictly speaking. If one used the word -very- loosely,
he WAS about to take a trip to a spa. After all, spas were there to improve
your health, and that's exactly what he intended to do.
No wonder most of the kids are touched in the head in Nerima. Having parents
like that... :)
[snip]
"Gos, Gos, Gos.. did you really think you could fool me? This is Nerima,
after all. When someone from Nerima buys a ticket to China, the odds are 3
to 1 that they're headed for Jyusenkyu. That means the Springs." She
frowned. "Now, which spring are you trying to find and why?"
I think you meant "Jysenkyo"?
[snip]
First it was a train to the port. Then the cheapest tourist boat to the
Chinese mainland. As insane as it might seem, it was STILL possible to get
permission to tour the Cursed Training Grounds of Jyusenkyo. (Perhaps this
was the proof the Western world was seeking that the heads of the Chinese
Communist party were crazier than a warehouse full of LSD addicts. It
certainly didn't help their image any.)
<snicker> You know, I think I'll snag that idea for Squid 1/2.
[snip]
Hikaru's journey's through the backcountry of China weren't as difficult as
he'd anticipated. Despite the Communist revolution, the common people of
China still had a surprising degree of respect for wise men and priests.
While Gosunkugi definitely didn't qualify as the first, his attempts to
learn and practice voodoo did put him, tentatively, in the second category.
Knowing nothing about voodoo, most of the farmers and village people simply
assumed that a student priest was a student priest, according to him the
same respect they'd give to any priest.
Heh. "Hikaru Gosunkugi" and "respect" don't fit in the same sentence.
[snip]
He bowed to them, shameful as it felt, and apologized in broken Chinese
phrases he'd memorized from the small book he'd brought along. Hikaru had
heard the things Ranma often said about his idiot of a father and how much
trouble Genma had gotten into (and gotten RANMA into) by refusing to admit
he didn't understand Chinese. Never let it be said that Gosunkugi couldn't
learn from a bad example.
Pity that doesn't extend to other aspects of his life.
[snip]
Gosunkugi was watching the two with no idea of what they were saying. The
conversation was must too fast for the (very) little Chinese he'd managed to
learn. But he DID understand when the first guard pointed her sword-bladed
spear off at an angle from the way he'd just come and said "Cursed springs
that way. Not come here again, or we turn little boy into little girl,
snip-snip!"
And we don't mean Nannichuan water!
[snip]
*Maybe this is what always goes wrong,* thought Gos. *The springs interfere
with everyone who comes here, trying to actively curse them, or prevent them
from finding a cure for their curse.*
Personally, I would say "and" prevents them. It ain't called a curse for
nothin'.
[snip]
Last of all was a wide and unusually thick belt that he strapped around his
waist. Colored a rather ugly international-emergency orange, it was actually
a life preserver of sorts, one that would automatically inflate with a CO2
cartridge if the wearer were to fall into the water. Hikaru had NO intention
of creating the first Spring of the Drowned Japanese Wannabe Voodoo Priest.
Heh. Heh. Heh.
[snip]
Not that Hikaru knew this, or would have let it stop him had he known.
There's just something about Nerima that seems to create an almost
invincible confidence born from total cluelessness. Go figure. So Gosunkugi
continued on.
Insane by reason of Cluelessness, ya know, if that were a legally defendable
concept...
He opened the map, and comparing it to the ground before him, he carefully
made his way forward. He kept one eye on the map, and the other firmly on
the ground, making certain he had steady footing. Sure enough, several times
the ground appeared to try to slip from under his feet, but the strap-on
cleats and the ice ax kept him from falling in to the springs that now
surrounded him.
His pace resembled that of an arthritic tortose, but despite being slow, it
^^^^^^ tortoise
WAS getting him safely to where he wanted to go. About 45 minutes of very
cautious movement saw him reach the cursed pool he'd chosen.
"At last!" he breathed. "The Spring of the Drowned Hero. Now I'll be what I
was truly MEANT to be, and Akane will have no choice BUT to love and admire
me! My destiny awaits!"
Setting the map on the ground and weighting it down with the ice ax, he
^^ axe
plunged into the pool. He'd totally ignored the oddly dizzy sensation that
This may be a matter of taste, but I think that should be "odd dizzy sensation"
or just drop "odd" altogether.
had overtaken him the instant he'd let go of the map. That was Gos's final
error, and the event that sealed the fates of a great many people.
Dropping the map or jumping into a pool? Or confidence born of stupidity?
And Gos didn't even have the excuse of being raised by Genma Saotome. Pity,
that.
Hmm. One might want to examine what Gos's parents are like.
* * *
Hikaru had thrown himself into the pool with a passion. He'd leapt with
such force that he'd managed to totally submerge himself before the lifebelt
he was wearing had a chance to inflate.
It _did_ inflate an instant later, yanking him to the surface just as the
Guide came running up to him.
"Oh, no, Mr. Customer! You fall into the <chinese name here>, the Spring of
the Drowned Harlequin Romance Stud! Tragic story of famous pretty-boy hero
of bad romantic novels who drown here 1500 hours ago!"
Curiously enough, the guide always seems to know the name and the legend behind
the pools of sorrow, even though it's been shown that the fool uses the signs
for firewood. I wonder why no one's ever remarked on this.
Hikaru looked at him dully. What was this idiot talking about? He'd jumped
into the Spring of the Drowned Hero. He'd followed the map, he'd followed
the instructions, he'd done everything correctly. He'd even held on to the
map so that the Powers that ruled Jyusenkyo would have no chance to twist
and pervert his... D'OH! He'd set the map DOWN!
This seems rather contradictory, actually. He realizes he set the map down,
and understands the implications but doesn't accept that he jumped into the
wrong one?
[snip]
"I--" Hikaru coughed and started over. "I ... was worried I might have,
well, you know.." To his delight, his voice sounded just as heroically
musical as any hero's should.
Heh. *chortle* Doesn't want a fig leaf, eh?
The Guide shrugged. "That not MY business. Here, Mr. Customer. I get you
hot water so you change back."
"NO!" roared Gos. "I'm NEVER changing back to what I was. I'm a hero now!
And I'll stay that way!"
And now we see the problem with Gos's new curse, for curse such it is. :)
Being a water magnet surely won't help with those intimate times with Akane.
[snip]
* * *
Coming to a halt deep in the nearby forrest, Gos paused and pawed through
his pack. He hadn't known what size he'd end up after leaping into the Pool
of the Drowned Hero (yes, folks, he STILL believed he'd gotten the correct
spring, despite what the Guide had said) and in trying to think ahead, he'd
That little paranthetical comment is sort of jarring. You just changed the
whole narration style in one comment. :) I'd consider losing it.
brought along three changes of clothing in three different sizes. And a set
of extra-large rubber sandals that could be easily trimmed with a knife.
Such are the delusions of Nerimans. However, is he so wrong? :) Consider,
everyone of those paperboard cut out romance guys are supposed to be heros, or
protagonists, at the very least.
[snip]
Dressing in the largest size he'd brought, Gos stuffed the map back into a
pocket of the pack. He had the odd impression that it might serve him again
someday, though he had no idea how.
Like say, blackmailing every cursed Jyusenkyo'an in Nerima, more than likely.
[snip]
Hikaru strode through the forest without a care in the world, happily
dreaming of how he'd sweep an unresisting Akane off of her feet. That's why
he never noticed the slight slope to the left that gradually caused him to
drift onto a small, but well-beaten path through the woods. A path that led
straight to the Joketsuzoku village.
Why am I suddenly reminded of Castle Anthrax? <g>
* * *
[snip]
Spice pulled out a bonbori. "Wanna bet?"
Sugar frowned. "Rock-paper-knife?"
Heh. Nice. I would have slipped and said Rock-paper-scissors. BTW, I won't
deign to comment on the Amazon names. (shakes head) ^_^
[snip]
He eased her to the ground and set her gently on the grass. "And who is
your pretty friend, m'lady?" smiled Gosunkugi. "She's as lovely as a spring
morning, and as sweet as a taste of summer honey."
*gag* *cough* What have you been reading Ed?
[snip]
A tiny portion of Gos's mind wondered where the _hell_ that little speech
had come from. But wherever it had emerged from, it seemed to work. Spice
stood on wobbly legs and with Sugar's help, they twisted a bit of rope
around his wrists and proceeded to march him down the trail to the village.
Heh. Now we see the subtle curse at work. The Romance Hero must seek out new
dangers, especially if they innvolve women.
Well, I'd have to say I really like the story so far. Especially if you can
get some good digs in there for trashy romance novels. I'm guessing that
Hikaru's curse will tend to color his perceptions even more so than normal.
(Seeing everything as character with about as much intelligence and depth as a
piece of paper.)
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