On Thu, 10 Jun 1999, Miller, Bert wrote:

SPOILER WARNING:  **DON'T** read this unless you've read LOS # 3 !!!


Nice start.  You effectively convey the frustration of a Ranma only slightly
more mature
than in the manga.  He's willing to let Akane go with Ryouga, but he can't
handle the
consequences when something goes wrong.  And he can't admit to himself why
he's
having trouble with the consequences.

Ranma's very good with coming up with cunning plans, but not quite as good
at dealing with the results of em. ;)
 

Re:  the outhouse.  In Japan, there wouldn't be a "wooden toilet seat";
there would be
a hole in the floor and extra boards where your feet go.  Rustic facilities
in Japan are
_always_ the "Asian toilet".  If Akane's imagining this, that's what she'd
expect to see.

Underneath isn't exactly asian or western, and it isn't being imagined by
Akane.

The cabin and figure also seem to be based on too western a template.  In
Japan, this
would be a cottage with a large, overhanging thatched roof.  And a shotgun?
How can
Akane even have the experience to distinguish a shotgun from a rifle?

A shotgun is a pretty distinctive-looking weapon. While I doubt Akane has
ever seen one in the flesh, so to speak, I'm sure she goes to the movies,
watches TV, and reads manga like the rest of us. And shotguns can be found
in all three of those mediums in large quantities.

I like your portrayal of Kodachi, especially the line "the heady, 
exhilarating darkness of the nighttime rooftops".

Heh. Kodachi only has a supporting role, but it's a fairly pivitol one.

Having Anjin Tetsuko be the Fisher is an interesting touch,
inevitable in hindsight but not easily foreseeable.  BTW,
what's the significance of using "pilot" as her name?  It's
kind of distracting to those of us who remember the network
premiere of "Shogun", and the "anjin-san" jokes all over the
networks for weeks thereafter.

Heh. Number one, it's a tribute to Clavell. Two, it's a common family name
in coastal communities with a maritime focus. There are a couple other
reasons that I won't get into right now; suffice it to say that I usually
name my characters for a reason (even if it's just a really bad joke).

At this point, I'm trying to decide what Akane is/will be:
what third noun goes with Hunter and Fisher?

Heh.

But even if they did, part of her still hoped they stayed
very far away, and she wasn't sure why.

This is interesting.  Clearly out of place; in fact, it almost seems OOC for
Ukyou
herself not to be more alarmed that any part of her feels that way.  As a
fore-
shadowing technique (if that's what this is), this is quite effective.

Foreshadowing and a hint. Or mebbe a symptom.

then she had seen the thing in the boat with Akane.

Uh-oh.

Behind the robed figure hung the silver outline of
an L-shaped implement, a plowshare or scythe.

So Akane's the Farmer?  Or should that be Harvester?

Anope, neither.

Who doesn't exist, thank Emma.

Emma?  Who's Emma?  Presumably this is a clue as to what
Byen really is, but I don't get it.  Possibly I'm not
supposed to yet.

Check a book or reference on Japanese mythology. Yes, it's a bit of a
hint.

	"Goodbye for now, my Reaper."

Ah ha.  Very appropriate.  Akane's not terribly
Grim, though, usually.

Well, look at the way Takahashi draws her face after Ranma does something
incredibly infuriating. Is that not the Mask Of Doom? ;)

Interesting echo of TBE in the scene where
Akane stabs Ranma.  Same cause:  Akane consumed
with an other-self rage.

Although one is mental and the other is supernatural. But there is a bit
of an echo, yup.

Another very good chapter.  In Chapter 1, I was
reminded of WUE (or it reminded me of LOS 1,
as I started WUE later), but LOS 2, and now this one,
have changed the story trajectory considerably.
The way you manage to keep changing the story's basic
elements is interesting, and innovative in fanfic, to my
knowledge.

I stuck in the prologue to give a signpost as to where the tone/feel/genre
of the story was going to go. If you go by Canto 1, there's hardly any
elements of the supernatural present at all. By the time you hit Canto 3,
that's what's dominating the story.

I now have absolutely _no_ idea where you're going.
Three chapters in, and just about _any_ ending
seems conceivable.

Well, for once I actually know how the fic ends. And I've got a good idea
of most of the road to get there.

Thanks for the comments. :)