Michael Noakes <s669330@aix2.uottawa.ca> wrote:

	Righto.  A bit late, maybe (punctuality has never been a strong
point of mine), but have a few comments...

Late's no problem; I appreciate hearing from you, especially since I
didn't get a lot of feedback on this chapter.

	I have to admit to being a little dissapointed at that.  The curse
is such an integral part of Ranma 1/2 that I always hate seeing it being
dealt out of the storyline.  but I assume this is going to figure into the
plot in some way (other than just removing the disadvantage of changing
form during a fight), so it's a minor gripe...

About all I can say is, stick around and see how it plays out. I thought
the idea of them being to change without water was interesting enough to
explore, and it's seldom been done. It certainly will fit into the plot,
but you'll have to wait and see how.

	Akane steadied herself. It was a frightening thought, but she
really had no reason to believe it. There was no dark god of Jusenkyo or
anything like that. Probably. But what if there was? Kasumi with one of
those curses... that was unthinkable. She needed to be kept away from
the springs, because of what might happen to her. No matter what,
Akane had to make sure her sister didn't go there.

	Only problem I have with this sequence is that it reads like a
heavy-handed piece of foreshadowing.  I don't know if it is or not, but
it's a rather intense bit of thinking which, considering Akane's past
dealings with the pools and her little knowledge of them, may not really
be justified.

Well, she knows that every one of Ranma's attempts to cure himself have
been frustrated in one way or another. I think that's enough to make her
generally distrustful of the springs. Is it foreshadowing? In a way,
yeah. It's meant as an indicator that things will go wrong, that the
ability to change at will is not going to cure all of the characters'
difficulties (as people seemed to think it would after reading the last
chapter). Though, of course, Akane's specific ideas about *how* things
will go wrong could be way off....

	He stared at her for a moment, as if trying to see through her.
Then he sighed. "I really hoped you could have helped us avoid taking
more unpleasant measures. On to other matters. Are you familiar with an
item called Linghunbao?"

	That whazzit?  Is this an item of your creation, or was it
mentioned in the manga (of which I've read very little)?

It's an original thingy that I made up, which we'll find out about as
the series progresses.

	Ryoga opened up a book and started to read. The bus door thumped
closed, and the vehicle pulled out onto the road. As Ranma stared at the
scenery, a foul, stale odor assaulted his nose. He looked to see that
many of the locals had started smoking cigarettes. The smell was
unpleasant, but he could endure it for the next few hours.

	Why the sudden attention to that detail?  It's not bad, but it
does sort of just pop up...

Actually, there was originally going to be a scene where Gosunkugi
starts to get sick because of the smoke. That got cut; I don't remember
why. :)

	"Forget it, old man! I ain't doin' this junk no more!"

	Nice to see Genma occasionaly treated as something other than a
buffoon.  Who'd a thought wisdom could come from a panda?
 

Well, he wasn't a panda at the time. :-) But yeah, I'm pretty tired of
fics where Genma is nothing but pond scum. I mean, the guy must've done
*something* right, considering that he trained Ranma into being a
world-class martial artist.

	"You scared, Pop?" Ranma eyed his father with a look that
approached contempt. "Don't worry. We'll find you a nice hole to hide in
until this is all over."

	That's pretty sharp, coming from Ranma.  I don't fully remember
the preludes, but did they have a falling out?  Sure, Ranma doesn't have
much respect for Genma, but that sounds rather bitter...

Yer probably right; I'll look at softening this a bit.

	I've got a problem with this scenario - not that the soldier's
might so easily break rank like that, but that they might not be somewhat
suspicious when a female Japanese pimp strolls out of nowhere and offers
up a couple of prostitutes.  It is a rather remote Chinese village, after
all.

Well, she's not obviously Japanese; for all they know, she's a local
operator. But point taken; I'll see if I can make these guys more
cautious.

	Also, if once they knock the officer out, it's that easy to sneak
him out -- wouldn't it have been just as easy to get in without the whole
prostitute charade?

Get in, yeah. But the point is to take the Lieutennant so that no one
realizes he's missing. You'll see why in the next section.

	I like the fact that you offer up at least a little humanity to
the invading army -- show that they've got families and such waiting for
them, that they're not complete monsters.

Thanks; one thing I'm trying to do with this series is have the enemies
be enemies for a reason -- not just because they're "bad people."

 Of course, this guy kinda
shoots his credibility out the window (no guilt over cheating on a likely
wife?).
 

Well, sadly, from what I understand such attitudes aren't terribly
uncommon in wartime when men are a long way from their wives for an
extended time. Of course, what this means about the guy's morality is up
to you readers to decide. :)

	She turned and and walked away. Ranma stood as rage built inside
him. He wanted to smash something. But he wasn't sure who he ought to be
angry at.

	Obviously, this is an issue you want to address in teh series.  I
hope you come back to it again, soon -- here, it feels like it's dealt
with a bit quickly.

Sure, it'll be back as Ranma struggles further with the question of how
far he will and should go in order to keep his friends safe.

***

Well, that's pretty much all the comments I have to offer up at tyhe
moment.  Still worried about the size of the ensemble cast -- with so many
people, some characters are bound to get the shaft, while those you -do-
focus on risk not getting the full attention they perhaps deserve.  But if
you can pull it off -- great!

Yeah... for better or worse, HaM is a series that tries to give each of
the characters a share of the spotlight and some (hopefully) interesting
development somewhere along the line. It's certainly a different
approach than the other stuff I'm working on now, which focuses on one
or two characters and leaves the others in supporting roles. Which is
better? Depends on your taste, I suppose.

Thanks for the commentary!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html