On Tue, 8 Jun 1999, Presley H. Cannady wrote:
excerpted from "Chronicles of the Meiji and Taisho -- by P.H. Ward, Ph.D"
This is an exceedingly bad pun, intentional or not.
by Presley H. Cannady
There wasn't a black or white face to be seen. Small, swarthy people with
wildly contradicting calm, smooth facial features flooded about me as I
disembarked the steam clipper. I at least stood a head or two taller than
"I at least stood..." -- The phrasing sounds awkward. Try "I stood at
least a head or two..."
most of them, and the tallest barely reached my chin. Most of them had
"and the tallest barely reaching my chin" -- the and makes it sound like
it's going to be a complete sentence, as "and" in this context is usually
a sentence extender. This makes the pharse, which is obviously not a
complete sentence, horribly incomplete. The easiest thing to do is remove
the offending "and".
sweat glistening on their foreheads, as the hot summer sun razed Kyuushu's
rising coastal star. The two primary docks overflowed with vessels of all
types. Wooden sailships, iron clippers, steamers, and of course, Japanese
warships.
News had already reached the states that Japan would soon turn its entire
navy into steam ironclads, and that England would produce these new warships
in a matter of a few years. The mere excitement around me was overwhelming;
"The mere excitement around me was overwhelming" -- Mere works to make
things seem smaller, yet the narrator is overwhelmed. This contradiction
may work in your mind, but not in mine. Change "mere" to "sheer" and it
works. Sheer works as an isolating adjective ("only the excitement") in
much the same way mere worked (with its implied "merely"), but it doesn't
have the nasty "small" connotations.
a people looking forward, recently bloodied and victorious in their first
extra-territorial war in two centuries and consumed with a vision of greatness.
I remember the last time I experienced such mass elation, four years
Please consistantly mark your paragraphs. And, for the convenience of all
readers (including those with an ASCII-only e-mail reader) use spaces
instead of tabs. Five spaces works perfectly for a fixed-width font.
before I sailed into Sasebo. In reality, the hustle surrounding the move of
Florida's State Normal College for Colored Students had somehow consumed
much of my time as I rushed to complete my senior year thesis. It was an
exciting time; since I've been away, the vision of Mr. Tucker and Mr. Gibbs
I've (I have) is present tense. I'd (I had) works better.
had brought this school for Negroes, like myself, into a new age of growth
and development.
Although the scale hardly compares, I sensed the same sort of
excitement and titalation flow throughout these people. It was a time of
change, and an island nation that had come out of isolation only forty years
ago was now looking to make its mark in the world. I couldn't help but
wonder how much of this would I have missed--how much would have gone over
"would I have missed" -- Huh? I think you mean, "I would have missed",
but I'm not sure. Justify.
my head--if I had studied agriculture instead of history and political
science. No, I told myself. It only helped me realize the direction of the
attitudes surrounding me; the sense of drive would have been plainly obvious
to the simplest dullard.
"Mr. Ward?" I heard my name echo through the terminal as I passed
through the gate. On the paved cobblestone street ahead of me stood a
Japanese wearing some sort of sword and western garb, some ornamentation and
a strange hat; I automatically assumed he had come to collect me. I had
stowed my spectacles with my luggage, and he was still some
one-hundred-or-more feet away; his figure too unclear to discern specifics
but clear enough to pick out of the crowd. I strolled over, my cap
sheltering my bald head from the sweltering summer sun. As I approached, I
noticed the fine cut of the suit, and realized I was looking at the uniform
of an officer in the Imperial Japanese Navy. He seemed my age, the
homogenity reflected racially amongst his people made it all the more
difficult to tell. Underneath the official trappings I suspect an ordinary
man, much like myself, could not help but also admire that unique spirit
that saturated the entire port.
Soon, I would learn how truly wrong I was.
"My apologies for the crowd, Mr. Ward," he bowed with slight
politeness.
I tactfully mimicked the gesture and cast a half-smile. "On behalf of the
You need a carriage return after "half-smile". Otherwise, Mr. Ward is
saying, "On the behalf of the Emperor and Commander of the Eastern
Fleet..." I assume you do not intend this.
Emperor and the Commander of the Eastern Fleet, I welcome you to Sasebo. I
am Ensign Myoujin Yahiko, yeoman officer in charge to Vice Admiral
Heihachiro Togo. If you will come with me."
* * *
-The Reverend Prez
* * *
You may have found a time-frame to suit your verbose narratives.
--Matt
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"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked
into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." -- Woody Allen
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