Hello,

Went to read your Power of Partnership story and then saw it was a
sequel so I found the Power of Pain in my files and read them both just
now.  The Power of Pain has been out for a few months now so any
comments I make will probably already have bene found and fixed, but
you never know.

       Shinji, who was inside of Eva 1,

You say EVA 00 & 01 later, so you might want to use EVA 01 here...

She cared for Asuka, she genuinely did care.

Just keep telling yourself that.  ;>

Use that to defeat the Fifthteenth Angel," Commander Ikari ordered.

Fifteenth

Why did Unit 1 have to be protected from contamination?

01; and I guess Shinji will find that out later, won't he.

Eva 00 bent it's knees in preparation for the throw.

its

       "Unit 1 is activating!!"

01

In his mind, Shinji could feel the warmth that always came when he
activated Unit 1.

01

A third and part of the cage fell away.

Do you need that 'and'?

       "Mayor!" Maya shouted as the data scrolled up her screen.  "The
Angel has shifted it's attention to Unit 1!"

Major, 01

He could feel the Angel trying
to force it's way into his mind, and it had partially succeeded, but
something within Shinji battled back, and tried to throw it off.

its

He didn't have too long a rest, for the Angel, none to happy
at being thrown off, redoubled it's efforts to penetrate into Shinji's
mind.

its; and aside from the 17th angel, do they really have any emotion?

It slowly sank to it's knees under the pressure of the mental assault
of it's pilot.

its & its

The Angel?' she thought, and whipped her head around to see the shaft
of light that was it's weapon.

its

       It forced a memory of him watching helplessly as the
Dummy-controlled Unit 01 fought Unit 03, snapping it's neck, crushing it's
head, tearing it to pieces.

its, its

       "You've lost," it said, it's voice a million voices yet at the same
time, one voice; shouting yet whispering; everywhere yet nowhere.  "You're
weapon is gone, your will broken.  I will take your friend when I'm done
with you.  I have all your power now.  All that you have is pain."

its voice, and hoo boy, nice scene.

       Unit 01 stood up straight and the buildup of light around it's head
flashed for a moment, then shot up the Angel's shaft at an incredible
speed.

its head.. and that 'Ange's shaft' could be read in a hentai manner... not
that anyone reading this is a pervert.... ;>

       Unit 01 slowly turned around, to face the felled Eva.  Unit 02
slowly raised it's own head.

its

The exertion had taken it's toll on him.

its

She couldn't place it, but didn't want to loose it.

lose

"Well that's good," Shinji said, moments before Unit 01 fell to it's
knees and collapsed to the ground.

its

Unit 02 sprang forth from it's position and charged over to the fallen
Eva.

its
I sound like a broken record, don't I?



Now on to : The Power of Partnership

Too add salt to the wound, it was Shinji who was injured.

To add

       With a strenght they didn't know he possesed, Shinji tossed off the
two NERV personelle trying to hold him down.

strength, personnel

He lept to his feet and charged the nearest person, the woman he'd punched
in the face before they'd managed to restrain him.

leapt

       She didn't want to remember, but she did.  She remembered how the
Angel had forced it's way into her, forced it's way past all the barriers
she'd made for herself over the years, forced it's way into her mind and
got to the real Asuka, the girl hidden beneath all of that aggression and
arrogance.  The girl who was far from home and very, very lonely.

its x3; and that last line says a lot, I like it.

He didn't get an answer, but knew full well that the silence was an answer
in it's own.

its

For several hours after Fuyutsuki left, Commander Ikari sat in his dark,
forbooding office, thinking about exactly what he would tell Seele and how
to deal with the other problems assaulting NERV.

forboding

'The Fifthteenth Angel has been defeated, the Lance is gone,
Insturmentality is proceeding on schedule, Unit 01 is finally ready for the
program,'

Fifteenth, Instrumentality

He picked up the phone by his desk, called the hospital, and
gave his permission for both pilots to undergo the more extensive tests the
doctors recommeneded with the explicit order that all reports be given to
him before anyone else saw them.

recommended

       An hour later he was still seated in his office when his phone
rung.

rang

It only took three hours to do tests that would've taken at
least seven with regular insturments.

instruments; and they're so fast, they can watch 60 Minutes in half the
time.  ;>

She could guess why the results wouldn't be ready untill tommorow.

until

Loosing himself in the documents allowed him to temporarily forget the
ineptness of the Commitee.

Losing

Not to menton the Lance; they'd harped on that for a good hour.

mention

       "Why were all the medical reports funnled through you?"

funneled

Quickly glancing at them, he saw that they were the medical reports
he was demanded an explanation for.

demanding

       After waking up from the effects of the sedation, she'd had to
helped to do everything that a normal person would.

she'd had to be helped in doing everything

       Nothing happened until the psychologist came by.  She sat there, in
Asukas room, watching her.

Asuka's

       "You don't normially stare at a wall with that sort of look on your
face for no reason," Ritsuko pointed out.

normally; and "I'm hypoglycemic Ritsuko, I need sugar!"

Ritsuko was thoughtfull for a moment before commenting.

Only one l in thoughtful.

       Misato swore after a few moments of digestion of the new materiel.

material

       "The Commander is a buisy man, who has more important things to do
than get me the information I need.

busy

She stood there as the other woman poured over the volumes of information,
carefully reading every word and phrase, not heasitating to ask a question
if she needed it.

hesitating, needed to

After that first word, it was as if
something inside her mind that had been daming everything up had suddenly
been broken and the words and feelings associated with those words rush out
in a torrent.

damming

The pain of her words was starting to
take it's toll on Misato, but she knew that this conversation would've
happend anyway, so she knew that it was unavoidable

its, happened

Get out of my sight," she whispered, but no less wraithfully than before.

wrathfully

       Misato, the tears finally coming with nothing to stop them, nodded
twice and left quickly, almost running out of the room.

almost ran

When she did get outside, she collapsed against the wall, crying her heart
out and feeling the weight of the world slam down on her chest like ton of
bricks.

wall and cried her heart out; meanwhile feeling

The speed of this change may be long or short, depending on strong she is."

on how strong

He closed his eyes, and for a brief moment Asuka a scared that he'd lapsed
back into his coma.

Asuka was scared


Excellent stories and writing.  I found myself almost tearing up at a couple
points.  It's been a while since I watched NGE but the episode this is based
on is fresh in my mind.  Was a powerful moment and you capitalized on it
well.

Keep up the great work!

Warr

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
My webpage, front page updated 1/7/99:
http://welcome.to/nifflheim
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
We have just gotten a wake-up call from the Nintendo Generation.

Matthew Lillard - Hackers