[Jed Bidwell]
The Dirty... uh... Lovely Angels are used without
permission, as
are... well... you'll see... =)
THis did not seem significant until later one, as I'm sure you
intended. Damn, but you are an evil bastard! ;)
C&C is, as always, welcome and appreciated.
Find my other works at http://web.infoave.net/~jedediah
================================
The Lovely Angel dropped out of warp in orbit around
Syrius II, a
planet out on the fringes of United Galactica territory. The enormous
yellowish globe completely dwarfed the spacecraft that
appeared above it,
almost like a human would dwarf a mosquito.
I know, I know, I've said it before. Good imagery. I'm finding it
very easy to picture this sort of stuff here.
<snip>
"Maybe their communications equipment is damaged?"
Yuri offered. The
planet had sent out a distress signal to any and all passing
ships that they
were under attack by an unknown force. The signal was
frighteningly abrupt,
having been cut off after the second repeating.
Somehow it just doesn't feel right, saying 'frighteningly abrupt'
and then following it so closely with 'second repeating'... which, IMO,
should be 'repeat' anyway. :)
Maybe you could use something else? Or rearrange the sentence a
bit... Abrupt seems a much better way to finish the sentence than to start
it.
"Well, where's the ship?" Kei asked as the scanner
report came back
negative on the presence of any other vessels.
"Who cares," replied Yuri, "let's go down to the
surface. We'll find
out what happened there."
"Who cares?" replied Yuri. "Let's go down ..."
Two sentences, and one's a question. ;)
<snip>
======================================
The surface of the planet lay a smoldering ruin. The
once sprawling
megalopolis of Syruis Alpha, the seat of power for the whole
Syrius
planet, was
utterly destroyed.
<snip>
"The radiation level is through the friggin' roof,"
Kei commented as
the ship's onboard Geiger Counter went completely haywire. The Lovely
'Geiger' is capitalized correctly, but 'counter' should not be.
Angel's shileds would protect Kei, Yuri, and Mughi from the
What's a 'shiled'? Sounds like some sort of oddball currency or
something... ;)
<snip>
"You're right," Yuri answered, "that IS nuts." She
gazed out the
front screen of the cockpit, blue eyes taking in the
devastation. "Even if
the entire Crusher force attacked this place, it would take
"Crusher"?
Oh, that was bad. I don't know if it was intentional, but that was
BAAAAAdDD. You. Are. Evil. ;)
<snip>
"Hooo-leeyyy shit," Kei whispered as she and Yuri
walked donw the
Hey, I know donw! He's a guy I met on IRC once. What the hell is
he doing here with the Angels? ;)
remians of what was once the capital city';s main thoroughfare.
city's - no semicolon necessary. :) Yeah, sure, that's a typo.
Uh-huh. :)
remains... and might I suggest a spellchecker in the future? ;)
And finally, should it be 'capitol' instead of 'capital'? I was
under the impression that one was for cities while the other was used about
ships? ;)
<sniP>
visor in the rounded dome that was the helmet. The suits were
completely
NBC, meaning they were desinged for use in nuclear,
biological, and chemical
situations. They were also designed for use in the exploration of
IMO, you need to rearrange this sentence. For one thing, saying the
suits were completely NBC really makes no sense, as the correct term would
be 'NBC shielded' or 'NBC protected', or similar. I think it would sound
better as:
The suits were completely shielded against nuclear, biological, and
chemical threats (NBC). They were also ...
And so on. That's just a suggestion, though. ;)
<snip>
The HUD, heads-up display, showed the current environmental
Same thing here. Just say heads-up display and we'll know what you
mean later on when you say HUD.
<snip>
commlink. The
suits contained cooling mechanisms that kept the wearers somewhat
comfortable, though that wasn't what she was implyng.
implying
"I hate these things," Yuri replied. "I swear they
make me look fat."
"They're military issue, so prettiness wasn't a
priority," Kei said.
"Besides, I think it suits you."
"You're one to talk, thunder-thighs," Yuri retorted
with a giggle.
"Really, shelf-ass?" Kei joked.
"Yeah, you should see yourself after one of your
cheesecake binges,"
Yuri laughed.
Very well done, here. <sigh> I haven't seen/read the Dirty Pair in
so long... :(
<snip>
the scaner arrays clamoring for attention. "We've got a ship
scanner
coming in.
<snip>
According to the scanners, the thing was enormous,
the Lovely Angel
seemed almost as a gnat compared to it. The strange ship was
Should probably be a semicolon instead of a comma there:
According to the scanners, the thing was enormous; the Lovely Angel
seemed almost as a gnat compared to it.
<snip>
"WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE
IS FUTILE."
AAaaahhh!!! That is so WRONG!!!!!
I got the idea for this earlier this afternoon. I
figured a matchup
like the Dirty Pai.... *ahem* Lovely Angels and the Borg was perfect.
Perfect? I wonder what you would consider totally FUBAR... :)
I hope you enjoyed it!
Jed
I liked it! I do hope you plan on continuing this, though...
There's not enough DP fanfic out there, at least not recently.
Side note: Talk about relief! I thought for a moment you were
going to pull the same sort of stunt my somewhat anime-ignorant roomie did.
Our local comic shop informed us that they'd just got ahold of some DP anime
(finally!) and asked if we would be interested? (We're pretty steady
customrs, natch. :) So of course I say yes, and ask my roommate to rent 'em
for me since I work all day. He does, and I grab munchies on the way home,
all set for a little old-fashioned DP mayhem.
I took one look at the case and gave up on THAT idea.
Dirty Pair.... Flash.
<sigh> Who was off their rocker when they came up with THIS one?
And what happened to poor Mughi? If that damn kitten is Mughi, I'm gonna
scream.
<sob> They don't deserve the name... <sniffle>
Brian Payne - who watched it anyway since it WAS anime... Very
disappointing.
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud