On Thu, 3 Jun 1999, Larry F wrote:

@>    Hi!
@>    Since you are getting more "keep it up" messages than critiques so far, I
@>may as well throw in my two cents' worth.  Here goes:

@>>
@>>
@>>         It wasn't so much school as such, really, but rather the
@>> reactions of her classmates.  That was likely to be chaotic.
@>
@>    You've mixed plural and singular references here.  Since "reaction" is the
@>key word, if you say "reactions", then you should say "Those were likely to be
@>chaotic".

I think the 'really' should be dropped as well. It's cluttering up the
sentence.
If you stretch a little, the 'That' can refer to the singular 'event'
that will include all the reactions of the classmates. I'm not sure
the 'That' should be changed.


@>>         Akane groaned.  To her personal disgust, she knew of a couple of
@>> girls who would cheerfully do just that.  "Ranma... not all perverts
@>> are boys..."  (Just like not all boys are perverts), she mused.
@>
@>    In previous chapters, you've been leading up to Akane growing out of her
@>"all boys are perverts" kick, but this is still a little abrupt.  There is
@>nothing in THIS chapter that foreshadows this kind of mature insight from her.
@>If you let this chapter stand alone and read it cold, then Akane would be OOC.
@>Please expand on it by having her think or talk about it before this paragraph
@>comes up.

I don't know that Akane really thinks that all boys are
perverts. She's clueless about Ryouga, and she seems to think that
he's a nice, normal guy. Besides, have we ever really believed that
she thought Ranma was *really* a pervert?

@>>
@>>
@>>         "Anyhow," continued Sayuri, "There's a bit of expectation that
@>> maybe Ranma will join one of the girls teams this term.  Rhythmic
@>> Gymnastics and Karate are the two that people are betting most on,
@>> although someone wondered if she'd go for the girl's Kendo team..."
@>
@>    Why would there be this kind of expectation?  At this point, everyone thinks
@>that this is strictly a temporary situation.  Ranma's being trapped into the
@>girl's educational program is something that they don't find out about until
@>later!

Not really. Even if they only have him (her) for a month, I'm sure
they'd enjoy a month of being on the winning team.
Just think of it as foreshadowing, that has nothing to back it
up. Maybe she had a premonition. :)


@>>         Somehow Ranma looked like a totally different girl when in the
@>> Furinkan blouse and jumper combo.  An overly ordinary schoolgirl.  A,
@>> at the moment, very very pissed ordinary schoolgirl.
@>
@>    This is also awkwardly phrased.  I can't imagine saying "A, at the moment,
@>very very pissed ordinary schoolgirl." in conversation.  I'd probably say "At
@>the moment, she was a very, very pissed ordinary schoolgirl."

I was going to mention this. There are many ways to restructure this
sentence. Just don't try to shift the 'at the moment' around too
much. There aren't really any good places for it.


@>>         After a quick breakfast, she and Akane passed by the pandafied
@>> Genma (who had once again discovered that his daughter was dangerous
@>> in the mornings) and skipped to the top of the fence.  Ranma walked
@>> on with her usual confidence, Akane following after a little wobbly
@>> but proudly.
@>
@>    Where is the comma? Also, the word order is strange.  Akane was following a
@>small thing called a Wobbly But Proudly?

I think 'wobbling a little' would work better.

@>>         Ranma sat under a tree, sighed, and smoothed her skirt.  She then
@>> opened her new lunch bento (wrapped in what was becoming her
@>> signature motif-- a large hurosiki (kerchief) decorated with horses)
@>> and sighed in satisfaction.  Nodoka, deciding to be a good mother had
@>> beaten Akane to making lunch that day.
@>
@>    Usually Kasumi makes lunch for everyone, not Akane.

Perhaps Akane was trying out the 'be a good fiancee' thing. Not the
first time. And they *are* getting along a lot better.

@>>
@>>
@>>         "I AM a horse, remember?"
@>
@>    If you read this chapter cold, this makes no sense at all.  Not everyone
@>knows the translation of Ranma's name.

This is worthy of a footnote, I think, but not a section of the
story. It would stand out, and ruin the joke with the setup.


@>>         Class resumed.  Ranma was slightly mussed from the chase.  Enzo
@>> had a black eye.  Most of the girls had learned through the grapevine
@>> of Enzo's plan and were redefining glare.  Well, those that weren't
@>> looking at Ranma with new respect.
@>
@>    Only a black eye?  Isn't Enzo getting off too easy, considering the outrage
@>he was supposed to have sparked?

Ranma tries not to be *too* hard on the non-martial artists of
Nerima. And maybe that's the only *visible* mark. Perhaps you should
add that Enzo is moving a little oddly, or limping or some such.


@>>         The umpire paused.  Then she reached for her rulebook, to see if
@>> there was any rules about how to call a softball half-embedded in the
@>> business end of a bonbori.  "Um... Srtike Two and a half?"
@>
@>    How would this happen?  A bonbori is a kind of mace; it has a metal head.  I
@>find the idea of a softball punching through it too difficult to accept.  The
@>ball would have had to be thrown so hard that it would break a wooden bat and
@>seriously hurt the catcher.

This happens all the time in Ranma. Kettles don't crush when you hit
someone over the head, either. Take it in stride. :)


@>    To close, I too thoroughly enjoy this series.  It's one of the funniest fan
@>fics currently being written, and IMHO comes closest to the Takahashi style.
@>Hope these comments help!

This is a good one, but I think you're going to have trouble ending
it. Good stories like this are often difficult to close. But you can
worry about that later, I guess.

Jan

 ****   ****  ===========================jan@cs.ualberta.ca==================
**   ***   ** GCS d-(++) s+++:- a-- C++++$ ULAVISX++++$ P++$ L+++ E+++$ W--
**    *    ** N++ !o K? w---$ !O M- V-- PS+ PE Y !PGP t--- 5+++ X+ R+ tv--
 **  j.s  **  b+++>++++ DI++++ !D G++ e+>+++ h++ r++>+++ y+**
  **  +  ** -----------------------------------------------------------------
   **v.y** DNA neither cares nor knows. 
    ** ** DNA just is. And we dance to its music.
      *          -Richard Dawkins