Hi!
    Since you are getting more "keep it up" messages than critiques so far, I
may as well throw in my two cents' worth.  Here goes:

Kenjiko2@aol.com wrote:

        You knew it was coming.

        It's here.  As always, C&C is welcomed, telling me that I'm the
illegitamate daughter of Darth Maul isn't.

    Are you the legitimate daughter of Darth Maul? ;-)

        Oh, and I DO like Shampoo-- her actions here are NOT because I think
she's stupid, but because she has a unique cultural outlook that doesn't
really realate to any OTHER culture.  heh.

    Actually, I think you handled her quite well.  I didn't get the feeling that
you were making fun of her at all.  This is a refreshingly different take on her
character, and it's always nice to see someone treat her sympathetically.  All
too often, she's portrayed as a bloodthirsty maniac who would kill at the drop
of a cleaver.  In RT's work, she talks about killing her rivals a lot, but
always chose non-fatal methods when push came to shove.

        Part Nine:  Back to School

        ####

        School starts tomorrow.

        For Ranma Saotome those three words were more filled with horror
than the entire body of the works of Lovecraft, King, and Barker
combined.  Her first day of attending school as a girl under the Girl
Days training was something she was NOT looking forward to.

    Minor semantics quibble here.  I think "those three words were filled with
more horror" sounds better.  Also, I don't know who Barker refers to, so perhaps
you could use their full writing names (i.e. H.P. Lovecraft, Stephan King,
etc.)?

        It wasn't so much school as such, really, but rather the
reactions of her classmates.  That was likely to be chaotic.

    You've mixed plural and singular references here.  Since "reaction" is the
key word, if you say "reactions", then you should say "Those were likely to be
chaotic".

       Akane looked at her fiance-- or was that fiancee at the moment?--
and sighed.  "Ranma, it'll be all right.  Just relax."

    LOL.  Nice touch.

        "Sure it will.  The moment I hit that locker room I'm a dead man.
Woman.  Whatever."

        "I've been talking with Yuka and Sayuri, they're going to help.
Besides, there's not much way around it..."

        "I'd love to find a way..."

    There is always a way... if there really was a situation like this, I
imagine that she'd be permitted to use either the teachers' locker room or the
changing room of a sports team.  Of course, that's a reasonable solution, and
Furinken is not a school for reasonable occurrences... besides, a reasonable
solution would ruin the story...

        The two nodded.  "We've been checking out the wind, so to speak.

    The phrase is "testing the wind".

Actually, most of the girls we talked to after that fight aren't
really worried about Ranma, even in the locker room.  They figure
that if she can wear an outfit like the one she did in public, she's
got to be a lot more feminine than they thought," said Yuka.

    Now this is contrived.  I can't imagine the Furinken girls accepting this so
easily.  In all of RT's stories, they know that Ranma is really a boy, and when
he tries to go in the locker room in female form, they let him have it (the
Japanese Nannichuan episode comes to mind).  For them to make a 180 degree
change like this is hard to swallow.  Even when he has championed their cause
against Happosai, he never got that kind of acceptance, and everyone knows that
he dresses in feminine clothing when it suits his purpose.

        Akane groaned.  To her personal disgust, she knew of a couple of
girls who would cheerfully do just that.  "Ranma... not all perverts
are boys..."  (Just like not all boys are perverts), she mused.

    In previous chapters, you've been leading up to Akane growing out of her
"all boys are perverts" kick, but this is still a little abrupt.  There is
nothing in THIS chapter that foreshadows this kind of mature insight from her.
If you let this chapter stand alone and read it cold, then Akane would be OOC.
Please expand on it by having her think or talk about it before this paragraph
comes up.

        "Anyhow," continued Sayuri, "There's a bit of expectation that
maybe Ranma will join one of the girls teams this term.  Rhythmic
Gymnastics and Karate are the two that people are betting most on,
although someone wondered if she'd go for the girl's Kendo team..."

    Why would there be this kind of expectation?  At this point, everyone thinks
that this is strictly a temporary situation.  Ranma's being trapped into the
girl's educational program is something that they don't find out about until
later!

        "Well, you DID look cool, Ranma," Yuka said.  "Besides, it's kind
of we wish we had your nerve...  I'd die if anyone saw me wear that,
but... I'd kind of like to try to, once."

    "Besides, it's kind of we wish we had your nerve..." is a bit awkward.  Did
you mean to write "Besides, it's kind of like we wish we had your nerve..."?

        Somehow Ranma looked like a totally different girl when in the
Furinkan blouse and jumper combo.  An overly ordinary schoolgirl.  A,
at the moment, very very pissed ordinary schoolgirl.

    This is also awkwardly phrased.  I can't imagine saying "A, at the moment,
very very pissed ordinary schoolgirl." in conversation.  I'd probably say "At
the moment, she was a very, very pissed ordinary schoolgirl."

        She adjusted the straps on her jumper, checked her hair-bow, and
sighed.  At least it fit.  She tugged at the bloomers she was wearing
under the skirt-- needful if she was going to go to school in her
accustomed manner-- to adjust them, and grabbed her bookbag.

    "Bloomers" (at least in American English) refer to knee length, loose
fitting female underpants used around the turn of the century, before panties
were created.  This does make for an interesting image, but I think you meant to
say "gym shorts" instead!

        After a quick breakfast, she and Akane passed by the pandafied
Genma (who had once again discovered that his daughter was dangerous
in the mornings) and skipped to the top of the fence.  Ranma walked
on with her usual confidence, Akane following after a little wobbly
but proudly.

    Where is the comma? Also, the word order is strange.  Akane was following a
small thing called a Wobbly But Proudly?

        Akane was, in fact, improving a lot under Ranma's tutelage.  And
it tended to be an education.

    This should be one sentence.

        Ranma had indeed begun with what SHE considered the basics.  How
to fall.  Akane had thought she knew how to fall-- that was, after
all, the first lesson in nearly any martial art.

    Ranma began with what Akane considered the basics?  This is not a very
clearly defined paragraph.

        Ranma, she discovered, meant how to fall off a roof.  The
Saotome-ryu was, after all, a midair art-- and Ranma meant Akane to
start hitting the midair.

    How does one hit midair?

        Jumping was also weird.  Ranma would say strange and hard to
understand things about focusing chi and jumping with the heart, not
the legs, and it never made any sense-- if she thought about it.

    Why would this be strange to Akane? She is a student of a similar school,
even if it doesn't specialize in midair combat like the Saotome Ryu.  The
concept of focussing chi is basic to many real martial arts, and jumping with
the heart is a concept that shouldn't be outlandish to her.  She might not be
able to put it into practice very well, but she would have her own ideas about
what was meant.

        For all she knew Ranma would start her on some really weird
training next.  Something scary.  Something... that would make her
like Ranma.

        She had a vision of herself in Ranma's Chinese clothes again,
fighting off multiple fianc�s, while a bandanna wearing girl was
attacking her with a pink parasol and screaming about ruining her
happiness.

    Actually, these are not such unusual things in her life at this point that
she would balk at them.  If she was going to be nervous about something, it
would be the training techniques!  I think anyone who knew about it would have
nightmares about going through the cat fist training, for example!

        Kuno's firm conviction that Tsubasa was actually Ranma had begin
to take on new levels of lunacy.  Anything-- ANYTHING-- could be the
hated foe.  There were threats from furniture, street signs,
machines-- the demon could be anything!

    Too many uses of the word "anything".  "The demon could be hiding anywhere"
or some such would flow better.

        Ranma and Akane passed by Kuno, who was at the moment poking an
innocent fire hydrant with his bokken, and went to the one place
Ranma never really expected to go-- willingly, that was.  The GIRLS
locker room.

    Nope.  He's been here before, deliberately.  The Japanese Nannichuan episode
revolves around him trying to get in numerous times and being forcefully ejected
by the girls... and that's just one example.

        Sayuri and Yuka were waiting for them along with a couple of
girls who wanted to actually see a female Ranma enter.  Ranma began
to feel very very nervous.  Understandably.

        She skinned off the bloomers and slipped on more comfortable
underwear without lifting her skirt.  It was, to her... disturbing.
The new girls stared at the fact that Ranma was actually going to
wear panties.  That, if nothing else, suggested that the Girl Days
thing was the truth and not just some plot to start peeping.

    Heh.  If she really WERE wearing bloomers, you'd better believe the other
girls would stare!

        "She say Shampoo have accent.  Not understand, no use MSG at
Nekohanten, but if Hibachan say so..."

    This joke is a little too obscure.  "Accent" is a brand of mixed spices, but
I don't know if it contains MSG.  This went pretty much over my head.

        "I wonder if she's a aquatransexual also?"

    Where'd THIS come from?  Ranma is the only one most of them know transforms
at all, as far as I know.  I don't think anyone in Furinken knows that any of
the others have curses.  Outside of the Tendo family and Ukyou, the only
character that I know of who is aware of another cursed person is Azusa
Shiratori, who knows that Ryouga turns into P-chan.  There isn't any reason at
all for them to think that Shampoo would be cursed!

        Hinako looked uncertain.  But so far, Ranma hadn't done anything
wrong-- except inasmuch as being in class in female form in a girl's
uniform while sitting properly at her desk was wrong.  Akane sat to
one side of her, keeping an eye on certain new students who were
eyeing her fianc� speculatively-- especially the one with purple
hair.

    Um, how many new students are there?  You introduced Shampoo as a new
student... and that's it.  That adds up to one, as in singular.

        Ukyo-kun sighed.  Her hopes to eventually enchant Ranma with her
true devotion were even more complicated by Shampoo's sudden
attendance at Furinkan.  And there was going to be the usual problems
with new female students hitting on what they thought was an
exceedingly handsome boy.  Well, that was nothing new...

    Again, which new female students?  Shampoo knows who Ukyou is, and so does
Ranma.  Who's going to hit on her thinking she's a boy, other than the usual
clueless females from other classes?

        Home Economics.  Cooking, cleaning, sewing, washing, keeping a
household budget.  Except for the budget part, Ranma already knew how
to do it all.  Except for the cooking part, Akane was decent at these
things also.

    This raises an interesting question that I don't know the answer to.  Are
Japanese girls taught tea ceremony or flower arranging at any point in school?
I do know that they are taught to women who join the Japanese Self Defense
Forces!  Seems that the Japanese military authorities assume that a girl joins
the JSDF to find a husband, so they teach her skills thought useful in a future
bride...

        It was Akane's fourth term straight in Home Ec.  Not because she
had to-- she'd done well enough on the rest of the course to pass the
previous times-- but because of sheer bloodymindedness.  She was
going to learn to cook SOMETHING besides a salad or a sandwich.

    By this point in RT's stories, Akane can manage an acceptable Curry Rice.

        "For once I agree with Ranma.  You don't call the teacher a
idiotic male waste in class, you know."

        "And did you have to drag the rest of us into the argument?  I
mean, honestly, who cares if there were no female emperor's in
Japanese History anyway?"

    "Emperors"

        Ranma sat under a tree, sighed, and smoothed her skirt.  She then
opened her new lunch bento (wrapped in what was becoming her
signature motif-- a large hurosiki (kerchief) decorated with horses)
and sighed in satisfaction.  Nodoka, deciding to be a good mother had
beaten Akane to making lunch that day.

    Usually Kasumi makes lunch for everyone, not Akane.

        "I AM a horse, remember?"

    If you read this chapter cold, this makes no sense at all.  Not everyone
knows the translation of Ranma's name.

        "Just kidding.  Hmm... not very kawaii a filling, though..."

    "Not a very kawaii filling"

        Class resumed.  Ranma was slightly mussed from the chase.  Enzo
had a black eye.  Most of the girls had learned through the grapevine
of Enzo's plan and were redefining glare.  Well, those that weren't
looking at Ranma with new respect.

    Only a black eye?  Isn't Enzo getting off too easy, considering the outrage
he was supposed to have sparked?

        The umpire paused.  Then she reached for her rulebook, to see if
there was any rules about how to call a softball half-embedded in the
business end of a bonbori.  "Um... Srtike Two and a half?"

    How would this happen?  A bonbori is a kind of mace; it has a metal head.  I
find the idea of a softball punching through it too difficult to accept.  The
ball would have had to be thrown so hard that it would break a wooden bat and
seriously hurt the catcher.

    To close, I too thoroughly enjoy this series.  It's one of the funniest fan
fics currently being written, and IMHO comes closest to the Takahashi style.
Hope these comments help!

Ja ne,
LarryF