She laughed thinking of 'darling' Ranma, and the reaction she'd
already provoked in him after only a day and a half. It was so
delightful watching him attack her again and again, only to be defeated
easily each time. Yet he always came back for one more chance, each time
more eager and determined than the last; not unlike a compulsive
gambler. And he was afraid of her. She could see it in his eyes. Every
defeat made him fear her more, by demonstrating yet again how
helpless he was against her. She could have her way with him at any
time -- whatever way she wished -- and he would have no way of stopping
her. None of them would.

Nice portrayal of Kodachi here.  Her fondness for cruelty and 
domination seem only to have increased over the years.

    "Oh, it's you." She let out a relieved breath. "Wait where you
are until I am finished."

    How sweet, she thought. The pets were lonely for their owner.
She threw the towel back onto its rack, then rotated the dial to turn
the water back on.

Hmm.  Yeah, I think I've figured out Kodachi's secret by now.  

    "Wrong." A playful smile spread across his face. He became
female, then went back to male again.

Might want to describe more specifically what this looks like to 
Akane; is it so quick as to be unnoticeable, or is there a second
of transition that she can see?

    "Uh, only leaves Pantyhose." Ranma grimaced as though he had a
bad taste in his mouth. "Can you imagine that baka-mono being able to do
this?" 

Yeah.  It would be scary.  Almost as scary as Rouge being able to do
it.

Akane felt dissatisfied with his answer, but decided not to press
the issue, at least not at the moment. "Anyway, this is just so cool.
I'm all man, except when I don't wanna be." He nudged his body against
hers and smiled salaciously. "And y'know what men do, right?"

    "Yeah." She reached inside the pack on the floor to pull out a
change of clothes for him, thrusting it into his arms. "They smell bad.
Go and take a shower, Ranma. We have to hurry."

Heh.  

    His face showed only a hint of disappointment as he faded into
the bathroom. The fan hummed, and a moment later the muted hiss of
flowing water could be heard. And Akane was still amazed at what she had
seen. 

Unsure of the necessity of the 'And' to begin this sentence.

    Or... Akane shuddered as a new thought came to her. What if the
power of Jusenkyo *hadn't* wanted its victims freed, but Kasumi had
helped them anyway, not knowing? What if it was aware of what she'd
done, angered at the young upstart priestess who thought she could defy
its will, and ready to swat her like a fly?

Or maybe... maybe there isn't any spirit at all... :)

    "I cannot help you," she said, again not lying. "The Linghunbao
has been hidden away somewhere by Elder Ke Lun. I do not know where."

I do believe this was the mystery object that went missing during the
preludes.

    "Thanks. Because I'm not sure what's coming up on the higher
levels." He glanced toward Akane. "I might need that one in order to
survive."

    "Dude, it's a partner game," Ranma replied. "If you get killed,
chances are so do I."

Nice allegorical-type interchange.  Good showing of Ranma and Ryouga's
character and attitude.

    He reached into his mind to change himself to female form, and
smiled at her.

And no one on the bus notices this?  o.O

    "Use your female form whenever you wish to do so," Kuno said in
a heavy voice. "A man ought to be reminded of his mistakes, in order
that he might avoid repeating them."

Again, nice moment of characterization.  You're expanding well on the
changes in the cast established in the preludes.

    "You're an all right guy, Kuno." Ranma gave him a friendly chuck
on the shoulder,

I have never heard of "chuck" being applied to anything other than
someone's chin.  It also has an air of condescension to it that Kuno
wouldn't take well to; I recommend replacing it with "pat".

    To Shan Pu's cat eyes, the moon was nearly as bright as the
early morning sun. The craters in it seemed to form a face, looking down
on her. In her imagination, the face was Great-grandmother's. She had
come this way fifty years ago, with a similar group, to defend the
village against the Nationalists. It was strange how time sometimes
seemed to repeat itself. Perhaps they, too, had stopped for the night at
this very spot. Kasumi's teacher, Kaede, had been part of that team.
There had been others, too; Shan Pu didn't know who.

Happosai, perhaps... nahh.  :)

    If only Great-grandmother could be there with them. They needed
her fighting abilities, but more importantly, her leadership skills to
keep them focused on task. Shan Pu was a warrior, and that was all she
wanted to be. Let those whom she trusted tell her whom to fight, and she
would defeat them. That was what she was good at. She wasn't a leader.
If she were, she'd be able to keep her group from fighting and arguing
with each other so much. Surely Great-grandmother hadn't had so much
trouble with her own team.

I think Shan is selling herself short here.  She's demonstrated 
admirable leadership qualities in the story so far, and will no doubt
continue to do so.

    She looked again, and the face was Tatewaki's. Okay. He had been
a faithful companion to her over the last several years. She had no
doubts about his loyalty to her. As a fighter, he was quite capable; not
as much so as Ranma, but then, who was? Still, doubts nagged at her,
kept her from fully accepting the love that he offered. She wasn't sure
why that was.

"Once bitten, twice shy."

Shampoo's only experiences so far have been with a man who loved her
that she didn't want, and a man she wanted who didn't love her.  It's
no surprise she's hesitant to enter into anything with Kuno.  I wonder
at the time, though; ten years is quite a while.  Has there been
nothing between them in all that time, not even attempts to reach out
to each other?

    "Hush, child. My life has lasted more than a hundred years. Now
it's over. I've been the elder. Now it's your turn.*

turn."

    Still, he had to keep trying. It wasn't just his ego, though he
had to admit that that could be a small, tiny, fraction of a part of it.

Yeah.  A miniscule part.  Of course.

    Suddenly, Ranma's face was inches away from the most horrifying
beast in the universe. "AAAAAAAA!" He leapt to his feet and ran, barely
noticing the tent pole he knocked down on the way out. "CAT! CAT!"

Heh.  Good comical scene; I think anyone with a good knowledge of the
manga has figured out Kodachi's secret by now.  At least, I think I 
have.

    "Umm... I guess so."

    "Don't guess. Either you can, or you can't."

"Do or do not.  There is no guess."  ^_^

    "Not really. But their parents really wanted a granddaughter."
His chopsticks scooped a clump of rice into his mouth. Ryoga took the
opportunity to step forward.

    "Oh, good morning, Ryoga!" she said brightly. "How are you
today?"

I assume you mean Kasumi stepped forward, not Ryoga.

    "Time to move out, gang," Nabiki said. She wore a khaki blouse
and shorts, and a safari hat that shaded the sunlight from her eyes.

Nice outfit choice. I can really see Nabiki in something like this. 

    "Good." Shan Pu looked at Kodachi, clad in her Black Rose
leotard and tights. "You wearing that for hiking?"

    "This is what I fight best in, my dear. You did say there would
be battle today, did you not?"

How many hints are you going to drop, Gary?  ;)

    "You'd scare the wits out of my old boyfriend, y'know?" Well,
not boyfriend. Fiancee. Whatever. The cat continued eating. His official
name was Kakikizu, but she doubted that he'd even know it if he heard
it; he was always 'honey' or 'sugar,' or 'my cat' when she was talking
to someone else.

Well, if he knows it, he certainly won't acknowledge it.  Cats are 
like that.  You want something that responds to its name, get a dog.

    "My-- oh, yes." Ukyo said her goodbyes, and hung up the phone.
She wished the whole thing with Mikado would just go away -- that people
would forget about their 'engagement.' But everybody seemed to believe
that they were going to get married. And neither of them liked it, but
neither wanted to be the one to back out of it. It was like the game
where kids held their feet out on the street, and the last one to pull
his back was the loser.

Well, it looks like SOME people haven't matured over time...

I'm still not sure how the 'marriage' thing between Ukyou and Mikado
fits into the mix.  It seems supplementary more than anything else at
this point.

    Some sort of bird swooped through the sky. Hikaru stared at it,
using a hand to shade his eyes from the bright sun. As it got closer, he
saw that it wasn't a bird -- rather, a woman with white, feathery wings.
She wore something similar to Kodachi's leotard, and even from such a
distance it was obvious that she was well-built. All in all, she looked
like a cross between an angel from Christian mythology, and one of the
Lovely Angels.

And we all know who this is.  ^_^

    "Well...." He looked around, probably wondering where he should
begin. "In case anyone doesn't know, that person was Ji Ma. She's a sort
of captain of the guard for a race of bird-people who live somewhere
near here."

Hmm... this seems to make it clear that Ji Ma has left by now, but
she's there in the next scene. 

    "I know," Shan Pu said begrudgingly. She wanted to charge in, to
slash one throat after another. How many would she kill before they
stopped her? Fifty? A hundred? But not all, and she'd end up dead and
her sisters still wouldn't be free. Great-grandmother had taught her not
to fight an unwinnable battle -- not unless there was no alternative.

Nicely done characterization of Shampoo's rage in this scene.

    "Very well. I shall consult with our leaders." Ji Ma gave a
small nod of approval. "Until next we meet." Her white-feathered wings
spread as she soared into the air, and soon vanished into the clouds.

Did you consider the possibility of lingering bad feelings between
Akane and Ji Ma over the Jusenkyou-pool incident?  It seems possible
that Shan Pu has met up with Ji Ma over the years and reconciled 
whatever anger might be there over the enslavement, but this is
probably Akane (and nearly everyone else's) first meeting with her
since V38.

    Yes, Batachikhan hated them for making him leave his home. By
rights, he was supposed to be there looking after Tikhtamysh. And Alagh
had just had his tenth birthday, without Daddy there, all because of the
damn 'Amazons.' So if he wanted to have a little pleasure with a local
girl once, that was his business. It was a lot less than they owed him.

What a deeply unpleasant human being.

    "The violence is bad enough." she said with agitation in her
voice. "But the sexual titillation and innuendo... 

"...those are the sorts of things that establish a good basis of
manliness.  I approve."

***

If I can sum this up in one sentence:

Lots and lots of good character development, but very little actual
plot.

The characterization and interaction between the cast is wonderful,
but so little attention is paid to the situation in the Amazon village
that I don't find myself all that concerned for it.  Except for the
short scene at the beginning, there's nothing that really creates much
tension for me about the fate of the Joketsuzoku.  I'd work on
developing that plotline a little more in the future, and having a few
more things "happen" than simply character interaction.

Still, I enjoyed reading this chapter for the characters alone.  Good
job, Gary.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum