At 04:06 AM 5/31/99 GMT, you wrote:

Harnum & Willmore <harnums@thekeep.org> wrote:

This is the first chapter of a collaboration between Chris Willmore and
myself.  We've been at work pretty hard on it, and would be interested in
any commentary you might have.  

Right. Well, it was good. Can't say much about the overall plot, because
it's not at all clear yet, but it's very vividly written. Happosai was
especially well-handled; you really captured the essence of the
character.

I don't know why, but I really like writing the old goat.  :)

The only part I didn't like were the scenes at and en route to Furinkan.
Akane was pissy for no reason I could fathom,

With all respect to Akane's character, she sometimes _is_ pissy without a
good reason.  I know people who are like that, and she's always struck me
as one of them.

There's also, of course, lingering bad feelings from the failed wedding.
The scene being from Ranma's perspective, it's not possible to show what's
going on in Akane's head; _he_ may think that Akane isn't still thinking
about the wedding, but doesn't know this for certain.  

 and the scenes didn't seem

to accomplish much other than telling us that we're in a manga
continuation. 

It was mostly establishment of continuity, yes.  You should have seen the
original draft; about 10k of unecessary Ranma/Akane stuff was cut before
this ever saw the FFML.  :)

The scene at Ucchan's could have accomplished this by

itself, and it was an effective parody of the slashed-wrists-Ukyo
cliche.

Also a minor riff on the "Ukyou is Ranma's best friend" idea.  :)

Oh, and one canon nitpick.... I'm fairly sure that Ryoga's multiple
bandanna thing only worked once. Azusa and the Kolholz Fashion Club both
took it off him without infinite copies appearing.

Well, he does it in the anime... but that has no basis for argument, IMHO.  :)

The bandanna thing is amusing for the scene, though (kinda like the Doctor
Seuss book about the kid with the infinite hats), and there's no real
reason to take it out.

Hoping to read the next part, where we'll hopefully get some idea as to
what the heck is going on. ^_^

Wahahaha!  You WISH!  ^_^

I mean... yes, the second chapter will explain absolutely everything.  ;)

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum