Jed Bidwell <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net> wrote:

       The streets of Nerima were empty, the windows of the houses and
stores dark as the night outside. Streetlamps provided their pale
flourescent glow, complimenting thelight from the  harvest moon in the sky.

fluorescent, and the light should be two words.

       This, however, was an entirely different enemy. It was an enemy that
fullly intended to kill her, but from the inside. An enemy that Ranma's

fully

forcing her to remain in her room with the lights off and a cool cloth on
her forehead. At first they thought it was just stress, with final exams
weighing heavily on the students of Furinkan. Once the finals were over, 

I think you need a 'But' or some such thing at the start of that last
sentence; as is, the shift from yes to no threw me off.

let up. It took days of urging to get the stubborn girl to at least see
Doctor Tofu. He referred her to someone named Izawa at Tokyo General,
calling him an Oncologist. Ranma thought it was some weird insult, until

Heh.

       "Have you ever heard of the Ebon Vein?"
       "No," Ranma answered.
       "A substance flows through it called Crimson Dawn. This wonderous

wondrous

       "That it took something like this to get us to stop fighting," Akane
said. Ranma's face fell as she said it, realizing that he had wated so much

waited

       Ranma started seeing results inside a week. Akane's appetite began
growing, her skin regaining it's color. Everyone considered it a minor fluke

its

just when the priest would come by to collect his fee, and what it would be.
Ranma tried not to think about it, instead preferring to spend all his
available time helping Akane recouperate.

recuperate

Very promising beginning. The introduction did a good job of drawing me
in and making me want to read more. Ranma's characterization was
exceptionally well done, and I liked Akane's as well. It seems pretty
clear that our "priest" friend is up to no good, but it'll be
interesting to see his plans as they're revealed bit by bit.

       Now, here's the main question (aside from what you think, of
course), should Akane live or die? I had the priest phrase his promise as he
did to leave that option open, spare her from the cancer only to have her
die soon after by some other means.

I'd say keep her alive; she's not gonna be much use to the fic dead, and
alive she gives Mr. Priest-guy a lever to use against Ranma. Maybe his
plot will involve trying to steal her soul (and maybe Ranma's too), or
something. Dunno.

Keep up the good work!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html