Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic

By: Dreiser


EPISODE TWELVE: Enter The Scab.


SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the 
shadows of Kiryuu Touga and his girl groupies are seen inside. Touga 
lies on a mountain of fluffy pillows while his girl groupies massage 
various parts of him. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the 
background.

TOUGA: (Fingers in his ears.) Where is that infernal music coming 
from? (He scowls.) Curse Miki! He's doing this just to annoy me. I 
know it!

(Touga abruptly sits up and several of his girl groupies go flying out of 
the elevator. He blinks and looks in the direction of the frameless wall 
that they fell out of.)

TOUGA: (Sighs.) Such a pity. They were giving me the nicest 
abdomen rubdown. (He shrugs.) Oh well... (Ponders.) Where was I? 
Oh yes, I know. (In ranting mode.) Miki! He's playing his monotonous 
song just to annoy me! It's his revenge for me dropping him out of the 
elevator like so much used trash or in this case a five foot pianist!

(The girl groupies exchange disgusted looks and make faces while 
Touga continues to rant.)

SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. The figure of Kaoru 
Miki is seen slumped in a lazyboy recliner. The entire room is filled 
with clocks all ticking in eerie synchronization. On the far side of the 
room is a huge stereo system that keeps playing the Sunlit Garden on 
repeat. Miki is busy drinking bottle after bottle of Colt 45.

MIKI: (Squints and waves bottle of Colt 45 in the air.) Damn right! I 
luvs muh Colt 45! (Takes a long drink then burps.) Ah! Malt liquor! It 
hits th' spot every time! (He puts up the foot rest and leans back in the 
recliner while releasing a very manly groan.) Ever since muh accident 
I've been consumed with vengeance. (He gives a slurred chuckle.) But 
now that I've set up muh stereo system itz comin' into place. Not even 
Touga cin escape from muh revenge!

(Miki starts to laugh maniacally but begins puking over the edge of his 
recliner. As he's busy doing this a loud creak is heard and the figure of 
Kaoru Kozue is seen. She looks disgusted at Miki's display.)

KOZUE: (Sighs and says snidely.) Honestly, Miki. What are you 
doing drinking that stuff anyway? Suddenly you're hip to the ghetto or 
something?
MIKI: (Finishes puking and wipes his chin.) Shut up beeatch! I've 
found muh roots! We're African Japanese!
KOZUE: (Blinks.) We're what?
MIKI: (Repeats.) We're African Japanese!
KOZUE: (Pauses. Opens her mouth. Pauses. Blinks.) Say again?
MIKI: (Irate.) We're Africans who are Japanese dammit! In spirit at 
least! Y'know why? Cause we're slaves and I've finally risen up! (He 
opens another bottle of Colt 45 and waves it around.) This slave is 
refusin' to obey the man! The man cin kiss my ass!
KOZUE: (Sighs deeply.) I give up. Who's the man?
MIKI: (Squints.) Who do ya think?! Th' man iz Touga! And Touga cin 
kiss my ass!
KOZUE: (Smiles slyly.) I'm sure that he'll look forward to that, Miki. 
Should I tell him now?
MIKI: (Pauses. Thinks slowly. Burps.) Er... nah. Forget it. I guess th' 
man isn't so bad after all.
KOZUE: (Nods.) That's what I thought. (She looks around at the 
several thousand clocks that are in the room.) I know I'm going to 
regret this but I'll ask anyway. Why do you have all these clocks?
MIKI: (Squints. Drinks his Colt 45.) I gotta make sure that I never 
lose track of time again. They're muh insurance.
KOZUE: (Pauses. Thinks this over.) Right...

SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually
timely and frequent sunset. The figure of Shadow Play Girl C-ko is 
seen. Next to her is Shinohara Wakaba who is leaning up against the 
wall wearing a bored expression. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the 
background.

C-KO: (Looks at Wakaba.) Uhm... why are you here?
WAKABA: (Clucks her tongue.) It's best not to ask questions that 
you don't want to know the answers to.
C-KO: (Blinks.) Uh... right.
WAKABA: (Pushes herself off the wall.) Besides, aren't you 
supposed to be giving the eerie moral to this week's episode?
C-KO: (Contemplates.) Well, yeah... I would but I've never done this 
before. I mean, I never get to show up except when A-ko or B-ko 
has an STD or something.
WAKABA: (Makes a face.) Too much information.
C-KO: (Sheepish.) Sorry. Anyway, I wouldn't know how to give an 
eerie moral to this week's episode even if I wanted to. I'm just happy 
to get any screen time.
WAKABA: (Not really listening.) Mm-hmm...
C-KO: (Continues.) I don't understand it either! It isn't like they're all 
that smarter than me! It's shadow puppets! This isn't exactly nuclear 
physics you know!
WAKABA: (Turns to C-ko.) Can I ask you a question?
C-KO: (Stops her polite ranting.) Uhm... okay.
WAKABA: (Leans in closer.) Are you Shadow Play Girls really 
named after the Project A-ko chicks?
C-KO: (Looks baffled.) Uhm...

SCENE: A very long line at some Fre... err... Japanese movie theater. 
The figures of Shadow Play Girls A-ko and B-ko are seen with 
Saionji Kyouichi standing in line. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the 
background.

B-KO: (Extremely irate.) Traitors! Villainous traitors!! All of you 
readers are traitors!!!
A-KO: (Stares at B-ko.) Calm down already. I don't see what you're 
getting so worked up about.
B-KO: (Glares at A-ko.) That dinky author just gave screen time to 
C-ko! Our mortal enemy!
A-KO: (Blinks.) We have a mortal enemy?
SAIONJI: (Waxing his bokken.) My mortal enemy is my very own 
obsession with Anthy. (He looks up at the sky.) Why couldn't I have 
been content with our secret love? (He starts sobbing.) Why did I 
drive her from me?! Why?!

(Saionji curls up into a fetal position as A-ko and B-ko stop fighting to 
stare at him.)

B-KO: (Slowly.) Okay...
A-KO: (Shrugs.) That was weird.
B-KO: (Her eyes narrow.) I was angry wasn't I?
A-KO: (Gives a deep sigh.) Not this again. Look, C-ko isn't our 
mortal enemy. She's just a Shadow Play Girl who chooses to work 
independently from our contract, that's all.
B-KO: (Rages.) She's non-union! She must die!
A-KO: (Covers her eyes with her hand.) Not again...
B-KO: (Shouts loudly.) Death to all Anime Scabs!!

(As B-ko continues to shout loudly the scene fades to black.)

To be continued...

All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical 
out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I 
shall continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because 
sometimes I just don't feel like making the effort to write things in story 
format and sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't 
take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. And yes, this was 
partially inspired by DDFA's Waiting For Minako series.

Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com

Author's dinky note: Yeah, I just posted two episodes of this inane 
chatter in a row. I don't know what happened. I couldn't sleep and I 
kept typing and this spewed forth. Blame it on insomnia.

Thrilling trailer line: What will happen next week?! Will Touga still be 
trapped in the elevator?! How much Colt 45 can Miki drink before his 
brain dies?! And is Shadow Play Girl C-ko really a scab?!

Thanks to Red Death all my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm

For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2.html

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