Oooh, lookie. A fic to shred.

(Japanese Superior Court. The People of the Nation of Japan v. Saotome

Nodoka,

charged for killing two men, Tendou Soun and Saotome Genma. Day 2.)
Defense Lawyer (a man; henceforth known as Defense): Objection!
Judge (who's a woman): Overruled.
Defense: Well, then, no further questions.

It would be nice if you started off with something more...beginning.
Landing right in the middle of something like this at the start is jarring.

Judge: Okay, I'll let you get away from that. But anymore outburst and

I'll have

to force you all outside where you can watch all of the Sailor Moon

Viz-Dubbed

Err, is this supposed to be a slam against VIZ, comparing their dubbing to
the way DIC handled Sailor Moon? Because VIZ had nothing to do with the dub
of Sailor Moon. (We like facts, people! Facts!)

Prosecutor: Miss Tendou, what did you see on September 17, 1999 that

caused the

defendant to slash her husband and your father with a Kitana like that?

katana

Nabiki: See it? Heck, I have it on DVD. (She pulls out a CD. The

Prosecution

So she has it on DVD, and pulls out a CD. Mmm-hmm. (Discs identical in
appearance, yes. But still, be consistent, okay?)

(Inside the television, we see the Tendou and Saotome families sitting

down in

the living room. There a knock on the door.)
Kasumi: Oh, my! Guest! (She leaves. Akane rolls her eyes.)

Aiyah! Kasumi talk like Shampoo now!

Akane: Great. What could possibly go wrong? (Kasumi returns with Ukyou,

Konastu,

Which brings me to another serious problem I have with this. Exactly what
the hell prompts this reaction from Akane? Why would Akane get so pissy
about the arrival of guests?

By the way, it's spelled 'Konatsu'.

Ranma (looking up from his paper): Yes, Ucchan?

Hmm...Ranma, reading a newspaper? Not bloody likely.

Ukyou: Hi! I understand that none of you are going to cramming school.

Isn't

cram school (juku, if you're down with it...)

Nabiki: Why? You don't graduate for another two years?

Statements don't end with question marks.

Ukyou: Actually, I went ahead and took the enterance exams and stuff like

that.

entrance

I passed, so I'm graduating this year with you, Nabiki. (Nabiki looks up

from

her Peterson's College Guide and looks at her in amazement.)

I see. It's all clear to me now.

You have absolutely no idea how the Japanese school system works, do you?

Ukyou: Well, I asked if there was an age or grade requirement to take

these test

and seeing there wasn't I went ahead and took the test. I did really well.

Doesn't work that way in Japan, thank you.

Nabiki: And no studing? No cramming school?

studying, cram school

Ukyou: None of that sort. Um, I'm thinking about taking Ucchan's global.

Um, me,

Konastu, and Tsubasa are going to cooking school in New York in the fall.

I-i-if

By the way, it's spelled Konatsu.

you're going there, we'd were wondering about maybe you could room up with

us.

Excuse much, grammar please? "we'd were wondering"?

Tsubasa: Yeah. Ukyou-sama let us go with her on the c-c-condition that we

dress

up like boys for the e-e-entire time. A-a-and we've never dressed up like

boys

before. I-i-it doesn't bother me as much, but K-k-onastu b-b-been raised

as a

girl, so he's never known what it's like being a boy.

S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-so w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-we d-d-d-d-d-d-d-eveloped
a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stuttering
p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pr-pr-pr-pr-pr-pr-pr-pr-pr-problem
f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-for
n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no
ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-ap-apparent
r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-reason.

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-by th-th-th-th-th-the
w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-way, i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's
Konatsu.

Ukyou: And I'd like you Ranchan to teach them how to be a proper man.

And while you're at it, teach Ukyou some punctuation.

Nodoka: Well, you've come to the right person. My son is man among men,

and he

Aiyah! Now Ranma-mother talk like Shampoo! Is epidemic!

So, I'm a Private Eye. (Nabiki opens up the envelope. Her eyes get really

big.)

I'm not touching this one.

Tsubasa: Right, but, um, perhaps not in this room? I still have to take

these to

the husband, and I don't want to blow this case like this...(Nodoka takes

the

pictures away from Nabiki and she looks through them. The pictures show a

drunk

Genma taking a beautiful 22-year-old girl to a hotel and having sex with

her.

Okay. Reality check time here.

Genma is bald, fat, and middle-aged.

He's ugly as sin.

He's broke.

And he's taking a 22-year-old girl to a love hotel?

I don't fricking think so.

Soun, MAYBE. But the only kind of 22-year-old girl who would go to a love
hotel with Genma would have to be seriously deranged, retarded, or on some
seriously trippy drugs. (Or a whore.)

Ranma: I can. (Nodoka unsheeths her Kitana. Genma jumps up just from

hearing the

unsheathes, katana

Nodoka: Womenly women do not go around and hitting their finances with

mallets!

Oh, definitely. I don't know any womenly women who go around hitting their
finances with mallets. Usually they use a credit card or a checkbook.

Akane: I haven't used a mallet in six months! And Dad, if you're going to

go on

a date, can't you at least try someone who's not a protestute!

prostitute

Soun: Protestitute? Me? Surely not. (Nabiki holds up a picture showing

Soun in a

prostitute

Nabiki: Dad, we don't mind you dating and making love and stuff like that.

But,

at least try to find someone who's not married.

A married prostitute. Yeah, I can see that. I know lots of guys would like
their wives to support them by being whores.

Tsubasa: Or a woman whose husband who would beat the heck up out of you.

(Nodoka

ARGH! Painfully bad grammar!

Nodoka: Moot point?! Not here! (She unveils her kitana.) Saotome Genma, it

is

time to meet your maker. (Soun stands and wields his sword.)

What sword? A sword isn't exactly something Soun carries on his person
normally....

Ranma: Really. And if you're going to wear a dress, wear a kelt. At least

then,

kilt

Nodoka: Genma, I was wrong in forcing my son to be a man among men, since

you

can not possbily even be a boy among children. You have dishonored me, my

son

'boy among children'? That made absolutely no sense.

Ranma, this household, and another family. Therefore, I must kill you to

remove

this stain from our household. (Nodoka then turns to Soun.) I must do the
same to you, Soun, since you have ruined the Tendou household. (She then

slices

By the way, Nodoka would not presume to take the matter of Soun's honor
into her own hands...or shouldn't at any rate...because it is not her place
to do so. I'd probably call this a definite OOC move.

Genma and Soun to death very quickly before anyone else has a chance to
protest. The blood spills all over everyone else.)

Oh yeah, by the way...she'd also probably attempt to force them to commit
seppuku. Not kill them outright.

Akane: N-n-odoka! What did you do that for?

Umm...this should be 'Saotome-san'. Or 'Auntie Saotome'. Or
'Saotome-obasan'. Even Ranma isn't that disrespectful.

Prosecutor: So, Miss Tendou, what happened after that.

Questions end with question marks.

Nabiki: There was a lot of weeping and nashing of teeth.

gnashing

Nabiki: Heck no. I think a lot of other things could have been done, and
besides, it would have been a great way to get my Father out of the house.
Prosecutor: But, you weren't sad by the entire thing.

I think 'saddened' is the word you want here.

Nabiki: Well, I am sad of the killing. I mean, we lost our mother when we

were

'sad of'? I'm sorry, but this phrase doesn't exist in any style handbook I
know of.

Ranma: No, i-i-it isn't. While I like to fight like the next guy, the

honor of

the art is allowing the defeated to come back and fight you again, so you

can

keep the art going. And make millions of yen in a made-for-tv movie.

...

Prosecutor: Would you go out and date me?

...

Judge: And if not her, me?

...

Defense Assistant: Hey, I'd do you too, Ranma. (Akane stands up in the

room.)

...

Akane: Am I the only girl that's not attracted to Ranma?
All of the girls in the courtroom: Yes!

...

Akane: I knew it! (She sits down and pouts. The defense lawyer rolls his

eyes.)

...

Ranma: Well, um, let me get your names and numbers...(The judge,

prosecutor, and

defense assistant hands Ranma their personal business cards.) Thanks.

...

Defense: Did he wrap you up with fish net and pushed you into a pit of

angry

cats? (Ranma starts to get really nervous.)
Ranma: Y-y-yes?

No, stupid, he wrapped you up with fish *sausage*. Fish *net* is something
else entirely. And wouldn't mean a damnthing to cats.

Defense: And since then, aren't you pernially afraid of these things? (The
Defense holds up a picture of a cat. Ranma suddenly crouches up and

hisses.)

Errrr.

The Neko-ken doesn't hit that fast. Especially not if there's not an actual
cat in the room.

Aww, what's the matter, afraid of Bob Barker?

...am I the only one who missed this one?

Defense Assistant: That's okay. He's a jerk anyway. Good kitty! (Ranma

caress

the lawyer.) No one is going to make you become a cat. Now, would you get

back

on the stand and become a boy once again? (Ranma does that.)

...you know, I'm beginning to wonder if this guy's ever even read/seen any
Ranma 1/2...


<snip the rest of this mess>

I'm left wondering one thing: what the hell?


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be a good trainer. Don't rape your Pokemon.

------

The Eternal Lost Lurker
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