Stephen Ratliff <sratliff@runet.edu> wrote:

This is part 6.  The other parts are availible at:

http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/Drafts/

Thank you for NOT mass reposting them with every new chapter. :)

C & C encouraged, both public and private.

Part 6: Fathers and Mother

What has gone before:
	Part 1: Akane meets Ranma at age 12.  They spar.  Akane walks in on Ranma
	Part 2: Ryoga first appears.  Ranma shows off in Gym class.  Ranma is
challenged to teach the class gymnastics.  Ranma walks in on Akane.
	Part 3: Akane teaches the uneven bars.  Sensei Ogawa has an agenda.
Nabiki takes a picture.  Ranma walks in on Akane.
	Part 4: Akane finds the picture.  Akane and Ranma eat away from Nabiki
Ranma and Akane pull a joke on Nabiki that gets Akane a kiss.  Ranma and
Akane talk in the bath.
	Part 5: Ranma and Akane finish teaching gymnastics. The betrothal document
is found. Kasumi walks in on Ranma and Akane.  Kasumi talks to Akane. 

	It was quite late when Genma Saotome got home from his second job.
Usually, he would find Ranma already asleep on his futon.  Today was
different.  His son was awake on the couch with a girl.  And they were
kissing quite passionately.  Ranma had his hand under her shirt, and so the
girl had her hands under his.
	"What's going on, boy!?" Genma asked.
	Ranma ended his kisses, and turned to look at his father.  "I'm kissing
the fiancee you were kind enough to provide me," Ranma said, then looking
back at the girl, he continued.  "Akane, I think we let the time get away

>from us.  Perhaps I should walk you home?"

	"I'd love it," Akane replied.
	Genma Saotome looked at the two sitting on the sofa.  His son was supposed
to be studying martial arts, not marital arts.  Though the study of that
would help him prove to Nodoka that Ranma was a man among men.  Still,
can't let the boy know about that.
	"Take her home, boy, and we'll have a long talk when you get home," Genma
said.
	"Yes father," Ranma said, in a much more respectful tone that he usually

"Yes, Father,"

used with his father.  Ranma and Akane got up and walked to the door.
	"And Ranma, I want you back here quickly," Genma said.

	Ranma and Akane walked hand in hand down the street towards the Tendo
Dojo.  Akane had never been out this late before, well awake at least.
There had been a couple times she had been taken home asleep from her
mother's bedside, but she'd rather forget that.  Ranma's presence made that
surprisingly easy.
	"That went better than I thought it would," Ranma commented, now that they
were safely out of earshot.
	"Too well," Akane said.  "It can't last."
	"I hope it does," Ranma said, pulling her closer, so he could place his
arm around her.

	Soun Tendo was worried about his little girl.  She was suppose to be home

supposed

>from Ranma's an hour ago.  He was searching the table by the door for

Ranma's phone number when he heard the sound of rustling clothes from
outside.  He looked out the partially open door to see his youngest
daughter kissing a boy that could only be Ranma just outside the door.  His
eyes began to fill with tears.  Akane was growing up.  She had met her
fiancee and apparently was falling in love.  He'd despaired of the day
she'd met Ranma for the first time, and find out about her engagement.
Akane had been a hot headed and rebellious child.  He'd tried to temper
that by engaging her in the disciple of the art, and by in large he'd been

discipline. A disciple is a person who follows someone else as a mentor.
Also, it should be by and large, not by in large.

successful.  However, Akane still didn't do anything he wanted to her to do
if he asked directly.  He had really been worried when he'd spotted Akane
and Ranma's betrothal agreement on Akane's desk, but it looked like
everything was working out.  His daughter seemed to be enjoying her kiss
with Ranma. 
	"Good night, Ranma," Akane said, opening the door fully.  "See you tomorrow."
	"See ya, Akane," Ranma said, then turned and ran home.
	Soun's tears obscured his vision as he embraced his youngest daughter.
"You're growing up so fast," he wailed.
	"Daddy," Akane admonished.  "It's just Ranma, and I really have to get
ready for bed."  She disentangled herself from her father and headed up
stairs.

upstairs, or up the stairs.

	At the top of the stairs, she was ambushed.  Both Kasumi and Nabiki were
leaning up against the wall, trying to act like it was normal for the two
to wait up until 9:30 for their younger sister to get home.
	"So, Akane, how was your date?" Nabiki asked.
	"It was not a date," Akane said, trying to sound bored.  Not easy when
your heart is still beating fast from a kiss that your fiancee gave you.
"It was a study session."  She tried to walk past her sisters, but they
blocked the way.
	"Basic Human Anatomy," Nabiki guessed.
	"You're taking that Akane?" Kasumi said.  "If you need help, you can
barrow my books."

Heh. Perfect Kasumi-ish response. But there should be a comma after
'that' and you've misspelled 'borrow.'

	"I think Akane is taking a more physical course," Nabiki said.  "With Ranma."
	"That's not really proper," Kasumi said.
	"For your information, we were studying English, Geography, and History,"
Akane said.
	"Are you sure you didn't study Ranma?" Nabiki asked.
	"No," Akane said, then smiling.  "I did that before we left for his house."
	"Akane!" Kasumi admonished, stepping back, and providing an opening for
Akane.
	"If you don't want to hear about it, why did you wait up?" Akane said,
slipping by her sisters and heading toward her room.
	"If you weren't denying it, we would be hearing about it," Nabiki said,
following.
	"When I want to talk about it, I'll tell you," Akane said, pausing at her
door.  "Right now, I just want to get some sleep."
	"We should let Akane sleep, it is way past her bedtime," Kasumi said.
"Come on Nabiki, you can weasel out information from Akane tomorrow."
	"When do I weasel out information..." Nabiki's said, as Akane closed her

Nabiki (take out the 's)

door.
	Akane put her backpack down on her desk.  For some reason, the Hello Kitty
emblem on it made Ranma nervous.  She'd have to ask about it sometime.  The
Dojo Registry sat beside it, still open to where the betrothal agreement
had been found.  They'd have to look for their fathers' master later, but
Akane was sleepy, so she got ready for bed, wondering what Ranma was doing.

	Ranma wasn't doing that much.  His father was busy giving his usual
martial arts is the only thing that should be in your life speech.  Ranma
was nodding at all the right places, and generally ignoring most of the
speech, while musing about the topic in his mind.
	You'd think he could alter the speech a little in all these years.  And
it's not even true.  You can't live on martial arts.  He's always saying
that I must carry on the school.  To do that, I have to know how to teach,
and Dad is far from a perfect example for that.  If I'm going to model my
teaching on anyone, it will be Sensei Ogawa.  And he's really big on this
heir to the school thing, so shouldn't he be encouraging me to go out with
Akane?  Oh, he's to the "You must carry on the traditional of the Saotome
School of..." Time to put on the respectful face and response.  I wonder...
	"I understand Father," Ranma said, in a very respectful tone, which Genma

Need a comma after understand.

expected.  While Ranma had lost some respect for his father over time, he
hadn't lost all respect yet.  But that loss of respect, was enough for him

hadn't lost all of it yet. (We already know he's talking about respect.)

to not let the speech go without question. "However, I do have one question."
	"What?" Genma asked.  He was a little surprised by the request.
	"If I am to carry on the School, shouldn't I learn how to court my girl so
that I can be sure of many heirs?" Ranma said.  Genma nodded.  "Then you
won't object to me spending more time with her."

	The next morning, Ranma met Akane outside the Tendo gates.  They were to
arrive at School early, as Sensei Ogawa wanted them to meet the new sword
instructor.  Ranma had convinced Akane that her gym attire would be a good
thing to wear for their early morning meeting.   So now, he was trying to
teach her to run on the fence.
	"The key is to not look down," Ranma said, as he followed Akane.  "Trust
that the fence will be as you saw it before it got below you."
	"I think I'm getting it," Akane said, concentrating on her walk.
	"Then it's time to go faster," Ranma said.

	By the time they reached MacArthur, Akane was almost gasping for breath.
Sensei Ogawa was waiting for them outside her office.  The Sensei looked at
the two, dressed in the blue shorts and red t-shirt, MacArthur's gym
uniform complete with the five star logo of MacArthur Junior High.
	"I take it that you're doing that fence walking training I heard you
talking about last week," Ogawa said.  "Very commendable."  Ogawa knocked
on her office door.  A woman about Ranma's father's age opened it.  "May I
introduced, the school district's wandering sword instructor, Saotome Nokoda."
	"Hello, son," Nokoda said.

Her name's spelled Nodoka.

- end part 6-

ain't I evil.

I've seen worse. ^_^

Nodoka could be a good addition to this series, depending on what you do
with her. Ranma doesn't have his curse, though, so it's not clear what
sort of trouble she's going to cause for our hero and heroine.

Then again, her being a sword instructor could be trouble all by itself.
"Now, class, this is how to hold a sword. OOPSIE! Oh, butterfingers me.
Akane, dear, do you need a pass to the nurse's office?"

The conflict factor has improved over previous parts, but could still
stand some improvement. Genma and Nabiki seem like they're trying to
stand in the way of Ranma and Akane, but it's still not clear that they
can do anything effective against them. Also, try to show more of Ranma
and Akane's unique personalities.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html