(Japanese Superior Court. The People of the Nation of Japan v. Saotome Nodoka,
charged for killing two men, Tendou Soun and Saotome Genma. Day 2.)
Defense Lawyer (a man; henceforth known as Defense): Objection!
Judge (who's a woman): Overruled.
Defense: Well, then, no further questions.
Prosecutor (who's a woman): Then, the Prosecution calls Tendou Nabiki to the
stand.
(Nabiki walks up to the stand. The Bailiff asks her the standard tell the truth
questions...)
Nabiki: Yeah. I will.
Courtroom: For once! (The Judge slams her gavel and then looks at Nabiki.)
Judge: Okay, I'll let you get away from that. But anymore outburst and I'll have
to force you all outside where you can watch all of the Sailor Moon Viz-Dubbed
episodes you want! Okay, Prosecution, take it away.
Prosecutor: Miss Tendou, what did you see on September 17, 1999 that caused the
defendant to slash her husband and your father with a Kitana like that?
Nabiki: See it? Heck, I have it on DVD. (She pulls out a CD. The Prosecution
takes it and pops in into a player.)
**********************************************************************
(Inside the television, we see the Tendou and Saotome families sitting down in
the living room. There a knock on the door.)
Kasumi: Oh, my! Guest! (She leaves. Akane rolls her eyes.)
Akane: Great. What could possibly go wrong? (Kasumi returns with Ukyou, Konastu,
and Tsubasa. Strangely enough, the boys are actually wearing boy clothing.)
Ukyou: Ranchan!
Ranma (looking up from his paper): Yes, Ucchan?
Ukyou: Hi! I understand that none of you are going to cramming school. Isn't
that kinda risky?
Nabiki: We can't afford the money to send everyone to cramming school, and you
know how bad our school is. In fact, I'm thinking about going to an
American Business School to get my degree.
Ukyou: I see. Well, I might need your help on that.
Nabiki: Why? You don't graduate for another two years?
Ukyou: Actually, I went ahead and took the enterance exams and stuff like that.
I passed, so I'm graduating this year with you, Nabiki. (Nabiki looks up from
her Peterson's College Guide and looks at her in amazement.)
Nabiki: Really? How'd you pull that off?
Ukyou: Well, I asked if there was an age or grade requirement to take these test
and seeing there wasn't I went ahead and took the test. I did really well.
Nabiki: And no studing? No cramming school?
Ukyou: None of that sort. Um, I'm thinking about taking Ucchan's global. Um, me,
Konastu, and Tsubasa are going to cooking school in New York in the fall. I-i-if
you're going there, we'd were wondering about maybe you could room up with us.
Ranma: You're taking those two with you?
Tsubasa: Yeah. Ukyou-sama let us go with her on the c-c-condition that we dress
up like boys for the e-e-entire time. A-a-and we've never dressed up like boys
before. I-i-it doesn't bother me as much, but K-k-onastu b-b-been raised as a
girl, so he's never known what it's like being a boy.
Ukyou: And I'd like you Ranchan to teach them how to be a proper man.
Nodoka: Well, you've come to the right person. My son is man among men, and he
would gladly teach them how to become more manly. Isn't that right, son?
Ranma: Er, yeah.
Tsubasa: C-can't you tell us a little something now, Ranma?
Ranma: Well...(he looks over at his father, who's not paying any attention at
all to this. He's playing Solitare with a deck of fifty-one.) you know my
father?
Tsubasa: Yeah. I know him a little.
Ranma: So, what does he do on his nights to be "manly?" (Ranma starts to smile
as Tsubasa starts to think a bit. Akane and Nabiki look up. Akane doesn't like the
way this conversation is going while Nabiki looks a bit amused by this whole
thing.)
Tsubasa: Well, he gets drunk. Along with Soun.
Ranma: And after they get drunk, what do they do?
Tsubasa: Well, let's see...try to trap Happousai, unsuccessfully of course...
Ranma: Yeah.
Tsubasa: ...climb on top of parked petal boats and shout, "I'm King of the
World!"...
Ranma: Right.
Tsubasa: ...And then take women out to Love Hotels for some Unprotected Sex and
paying them for it. (There's a sound effect of a record moving too fast on the
needle. Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Nodoka, Soun, Konastu, Ukyou, and Kasumi turn and  
look at Tsubasa.)
Ranma: Um...come again?
Tsubasa: ...And...OH! Silly me. (He starts to big sweat.) Um, I work in a
detective agency on the side and right after this meeting I was going to go and
show a husband (Tsubasa pulls out a huge manila envelope.) these pictures of his
wife going with a couple of men to a love hotel for sex.
Ukyou: A-a-a detective agency?
Tsubasa: Yeah, how do you think I can afford all of those disguises I use to
try to get close to your worshipfulness, Ukyou-sama? I gotta make money somehow.
So, I'm a Private Eye. (Nabiki opens up the envelope. Her eyes get really big.)
Nabiki: Well...Well...Oh, my...(She looks at Genma and back at these pictures.)
Yup, it's him alright. (Nodoka starts to shake.)
Nodoka: Can I see them, Tsubasa? (Tsubasa nods.)
Tsubasa: Right, but, um, perhaps not in this room? I still have to take these to
the husband, and I don't want to blow this case like this...(Nodoka takes the
pictures away from Nabiki and she looks through them. The pictures show a drunk
Genma taking a beautiful 22-year-old girl to a hotel and having sex with her.
Nodoka gets really mad.)
Nodoka: I can't believe this after twenty years of marriage that my baka husband
would do this!
Ranma: I can. (Nodoka unsheeths her Kitana. Genma jumps up just from hearing the
sound.)
Genma: W-wwhat did I...(Nodoka holds up the pictures.)...oh...um, I-I-I can
explain...
Nodoka: Oh, really, huh? Do you realize that you have just completely dishonored
me and your son here?
Genma: But, but...
Nodoka: No, Genma. I'm sick and tired of this whole charade. I sometimes wonder
if you are as manly as your son is here! You making him run through that pit!
You pushing him into that spring and turning him into a girl! You...you...you...
Genma: Wife! Darling! I-I-I can explain it!
Soun (looking up at the commotion): Excuse me, but would you please take your
argument into the next room! (Nodoka turns to Soun. She starts crying.)
Nodoka: And you! Some friend you turned out to be. You're weaker than my husband
is! You going along with Happousai! You forcing my son to marry a girl who can't
possibly be womanly since she can't do anything that most women can do! And you
cry like a girl!
Akane: Hey! That's not true! I'm better than I used to be!
Nodoka: Womenly women do not go around and hitting their finances with mallets!
Akane: I haven't used a mallet in six months! And Dad, if you're going to go on
a date, can't you at least try someone who's not a protestute!
Soun: Protestitute? Me? Surely not. (Nabiki holds up a picture showing Soun in a
compromising position with the same girl that Genma slept with.) Hey! Who took a
picture playing "Twister" with...oh. (He blushes.)
Nabiki: Dad, we don't mind you dating and making love and stuff like that. But,
at least try to find someone who's not married.
Tsubasa: Or a woman whose husband who would beat the heck up out of you. (Nodoka
stands up.)
Nodoka: Someone else already knows?!
Tsubasa: Well, I am suppose to tell him about what you two look like, but since
I've already given your names and addresses, I suppose it's a moot point.
Nodoka: Moot point?! Not here! (She unveils her kitana.) Saotome Genma, it is
time to meet your maker. (Soun stands and wields his sword.)
Soun: No! I must stand up for my friend, my companion, and my playing partner.
He is doing only what is manly of him!
Ranma: Yeah, right. (to Tsubasa) Remember, what is the most manly thing of all
is being there for Ukyou. Remember that.
Tsubasa: Really?
Ranma: Really. And if you're going to wear a dress, wear a kelt. At least then,
you can claim you're a Scotman. (Ukyou face-faults.)
Nodoka: Genma, I was wrong in forcing my son to be a man among men, since you
can not possbily even be a boy among children. You have dishonored me, my son
Ranma, this household, and another family. Therefore, I must kill you to remove
this stain from our household. (Nodoka then turns to Soun.) I must do the
same to you, Soun, since you have ruined the Tendou household. (She then slices
Genma and Soun to death very quickly before anyone else has a chance to
protest. The blood spills all over everyone else.)
Akane: N-n-odoka! What did you do that for?
Nodoka: Honor. The honor of our families are at stake!
Kasumi: Oh, my.
**********************************************************************
(The television is turned off.)
Prosecutor: So, Miss Tendou, what happened after that.
Nabiki: There was a lot of weeping and nashing of teeth.
Defense: Objection! It's a bibilical reference!
Judge: Overruled.
Prosecutor: Did you think this was a good idea?
Nabiki: Heck no. I think a lot of other things could have been done, and
besides, it would have been a great way to get my Father out of the house.
Prosecutor: But, you weren't sad by the entire thing.
Nabiki: Well, I am sad of the killing. I mean, we lost our mother when we were
young, and now our father. I-I-I don't know what we as sisters will do now. I
just don't know.
Prosecutor: No further questions, your honor.
Defense: The defense has no questions.
Judge: Very well. Call your next witness.
Prosecutor: The prosecution calls Saotome Ranma to the stand. (Ranma walks on
over to the stand and sits down. He takes the latest edition of "Martial Artists
Weekly" from the stand and starts to read it.)
Bailiff: Do you plan to state the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth?
Ranma: Well, what is truth?
Bailiff: Well...nevermind.
Akane (standing up in the courtroom): Ranma, will you tell the jury everything
you know, or will the judge hafta mallet you with her gavel?
Ranma: Oh...OH! Okay. I will. (The courtroom audience face-faults. Ranma takes
the stand.)
Prosecutor: Ranma, I understand that Nodoka had you sign a contract when you
were two that if you didn't become a man among men, that she would kill you. Is
that correct?
Ranma: Yes.
Prosecutor: Did you think she would kill you, even after she killed Genma and
declared that you were 'a man among men?'
Ranma: Yeah.
Prosecutor: Why did you think your mother killed your father?
Ranma: Because he's a jerk, and she couldn't stand it anymore.
Prosecutor: Did you approve of this?
Ranma: Heck no. What good does it do to punish a jerk like Pops by killing him?
I would have liked to tell mother that divorcing him would be a better idea.
(The Prosecutor nods.)
Prosecutor: Is what she did honorable, by your standards, Ranma?
Defense: Objection!
Judge: Overruled.
Ranma: No, i-i-it isn't. While I like to fight like the next guy, the honor of
the art is allowing the defeated to come back and fight you again, so you can
keep the art going. And make millions of yen in a made-for-tv movie.
Prosecutor: Would you go out and date me?
Judge: And if not her, me?
Defense Assistant: Hey, I'd do you too, Ranma. (Akane stands up in the room.)
Akane: Am I the only girl that's not attracted to Ranma?
All of the girls in the courtroom: Yes!
Akane: I knew it! (She sits down and pouts. The defense lawyer rolls his eyes.)
Ranma: Well, um, let me get your names and numbers...(The judge, prosecutor, and
defense assistant hands Ranma their personal business cards.) Thanks.
Prosecutor: No further questions, your honor.
Judge (to the Defense): Your witness. (The Defense glares at Ranma. Ranma
blinks.)
Defense: Now, Ranma, is it true that your father took you away from your mother
for ten years?
Ranma: Yes.
Defense: Did he wrap you up with fish net and pushed you into a pit of angry
cats? (Ranma starts to get really nervous.)
Ranma: Y-y-yes?
Defense: And since then, aren't you pernially afraid of these things? (The
Defense holds up a picture of a cat. Ranma suddenly crouches up and hisses.)
Aww, what's the matter, afraid of Bob Barker?
Ranma: Meow!
Prosecutor: Objection! That was clearly uncalled for! (Ranma jumps on the head
of the Judge.)
Judge: Someone get him neutralized. (It's too late as he jumps on the Lead
Defense Lawyer and basically mauls and maims the lawyer. The Defense Assistant
smiles.)
Defense Assistant: That's okay. He's a jerk anyway. Good kitty! (Ranma caress
the lawyer.) No one is going to make you become a cat. Now, would you get back  
on the stand and become a boy once again? (Ranma does that.)
Akane: What the heck?! (Ranma returns to his normal self.)
Defense Assistant (as the baliff drags away the corpse of the Lead Defense
Lawyer...): May I continue?
Judge: Certainly. 
Defense Assistant: Now, Ranma, is it true that your father took you
to a strange spring?
Ranma: Spring?
Defense Assistant: The Springs at Jusenkyou.
Ranma: Yes.
Defense Assistant: And didn't he push you into one of the springs?
Prosecutor: Objection!
Defense Assistant: This is very important.
Judge: Alright...but make it snappy!
(The Defense Assistant takes her large glass of cold water and splashes
it on Ranma. Instant girl. The audience gasps.)
Judge: Oh, my.
Ranma-chan: That's Kasumi's line.
Judge: I'm a judge! I can say "Oh, my!" if I want!
Ranma-chan: Sorry.
Defense Assistant: Let the record, and CourtTV show that the boy Ranma Saotome
has turned into a girl, Ranma-chan Saotome. Or Ranko. Or "Pig-Tailed Goddess."
Prosecutor: Your honor, so the boy turns into a girl. So what?
Defense Assistant(to the Prosecutor): I'd like to see you to turn into a boy!
Prosecutor: ....
Defense Assistant: Anyway, did your father force you to fight him on top of that
spring?
Ranma-chan: Well...
Defense Assistant: Answer the question!
Ranma-chan: Yes! He did!
Defense Assistant: And did you like that?
Ranma-chan: Hell, no! I never liked that nor tossing me into the pit! I really
hated that!
Defense Assistant: I see. How long did you two went on this training trip, where
you got the irrational fear of cats and the ability to turn into a girl?
Ranma-chan (shouting): Ten years! Ten years! (She starts to cry. The Defense
Assistant smiles.)
Defense Assistant: No further questions.
Prosecutor: Um...can I redirect?
Judge: Absolutely.
Prosecutor: If...if your father was so bad, why didn't you kill him or disobey
his orders?
Ranma-chan (sniffing): H-h-he was my sensei! I had to obey him, it's the first
rule of Martial Arts. For all those ten years he and I were training on new
techniques.
Prosecutor: So, why didn't you kill him?
Ranma-chan: Because it wasn't the right thing to do.
Prosecutor: Thank you. No further questions.
**********************************************************************
(Japanese Superior Court. Day 12. The jury was handed the case on day 10, and
they announced that they had reached a verdict. Everyone files into the
courtroom. The forewoman hands the baliff a note. He takes it and presents it to
the judge. She looks at it, looks back at the jury, looks at the note again.)
Judge: Um, have the jury reached a verdict?
Forewoman: We have, your honor.
Judge: Saotome Nodoka, would you please stand. (She does.)
Forewoman: We find that in the case of murder in the first degree against Tendou
Soun, we find the defendant not guilty. We also find that in the case of muder
in the first degree against Saotome Genma, we find the defendant not guilty!
(The twelve jurors, all female, pull out their kitanas.) And anyone else says
otherwise is itching for a fight! (The forewoman waves her kitana in the air.
The judge, prosecutor, the Tendou girls and Ranma are *stunned!*)
Ranma: Dang. I thought Mom was the only woman of her kind.
Nabiki: Apperently not. Talk about a jury of her peers. (Nodoka comes over
to her son.)
Nodoka: Dear, I feel very exhausted. How about we go and have a nice big dinner,
just the five of us?
Ranma: Uh, sure, mom. Say...did you know anyone on that jury?
Nodoka: No. But I think they are the members of the Nerima Kitana,
Poker, and Pinocule Club that I had applied for last week before the incident.
I guess this means that I've passed my initiation. (The children all
face-fault. Nodoka looks concerned.) Oh, dear.
Akane: Say, by the way, what about all of those business cards from all those
women, Ranma?
Ranma: I've given some thought, but I'm too young to be dating 30-year-olds. So,
I passed them all to Happousai.
Nodoka: I see. Well, let's go home. (They leave.)
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