Scott Pollert <pollerts@hsonline.net> wrote:

	"Well," said the sage, "there might just be ONE thing...."

Engage the genie to the king's daughter? Son?

Heh.

I am curious to know how they tricked a genie into drowning though.

This legend is (intentionally) rather vague; it's intended more for
atmosphere than to convey information, really. So we'll probably never
know.

                              Episode 1:
                 When You Wish Upon a Martial Artist

You get hit? A lot?

Depends what you wish for. :)

Rather vague wishing there. Does the genie not have any influence on
interpretation of the wish at all like in many stories about evil genies?
Or is it simply that Ranma doesn't know how to influence the wish yet?

The latter; to what extent he'll learn, if any, is something you'll have
to read future installments for.

And no outward manifestation of Ranma granting the wish either. I know
you're trying to keep the wishing a secret from Akane here, but it seems
kinda strange nonetheless.

Maybe, but that's pretty much the premise of this story, and it's
important for plot reasons.

pale a bit at those last words. Strange, Akane thought; wasn't there any

Shouldn't that semicolon be a comma? 

Should probably have split it into two sentences.

Ranma seems rather calm about facing off against "the world's greatest
martial artist". After all, even if Akane doesn't know, shouldn't Ranma?

He does, but he's not one to back away from a fight in any case.

	Akane blinked. She was suddenly looking at a different person.
The black pigtail was still there, but the person attached to it now

*wide-eyed innocent look* You mean onna-Ranma doesn't have red hair!?

<@whap @whap @whap @whap @whap @whap @whap @whap>

	"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

*snicker* Better here than in the bathroom, girl!

Heh; there's an evil thought.

	A stunned silence pervaded the room. Tendos, their faces glazed
over with dull astonishment, stared at Saotomes. Ranma wondered whether

Shouldn't that be "The Tendos..." and "...the Saotomes."? I know what
you're trying to say, but it looks kinda odd like that.

Hmmm... I thought it looked OK, but I'll think about changing it.

my own eyes...." Beads of sweat ran down his forehead. "So, Saotome....
Cold water changes you into a panda, while hot water restores you to
normal."

Shouldn't that be "cold water..." with an uncapitalized 'C' since he's
continuing a sentence? 

Yeah.

	Pop nodded. "That's about the size of it, Tendo."

Er, "Pop"? I had to read through this twice in order to catch this, but
since this isn't Ranma's thoughts or POV, shouldn't that be "Genma"
instead? You do this several more times in later paragraphs as well.

It is Ranma's POV for this entire scene.

And when was the first time Ranma landed in the pond? I don't recall him
landing in the pond prior to Genma's explanation in the canon either.

In the canon (and in the anime too, IIRC) Genma began his explanation by
throwing Ranma in the pond to demonstrate the curse. You're supposed to
assume something like that happened here, though I didn't show it
because it had none of the interesting developments for this fic.

And considering how thin those clothes are, they're probably transparent
when wet as well!
*drool* 

Heh. This is not a fanservice fic.... :-)

	Ranma quickly poured a bucket of water over him, and his words
became a series of grunts and growfs. "That's nobody's business, Pop!"

Ranma didn't punt him into the pond?

This was quicker.

	"Yup." Ranma felt as if he were confessing to a crime, and about

"Yup" sounds awful casual for "confessing to a crime". I'd think a more
formal "yes" would be appropriate here. Spoken in a short, sharp voice.

I'l think about changing this.

She's already into the 'disbelieve everything Ranma says just because he
said it' stage I see. Even she was thinking before, back in the dojo, that
it was unusual for her to win so easily.

Something like that, yeah. Ranma is not putting it in the most tactful
way possible, of course....

	The low, soft hum of machinery activating was heard. Air blew
into the room from a vent that hadn't been there minutes earlier,
bathing the occupants in delicious cool.	

That was sucked right through the thin walls and open doors letting the
hot, muggy Tokyo summer heat come back in. I don't think a traditional
Japanese house like the Tendo's have would work too well with central air.
(Forgive me, I'm in HVAC skilled trades and this is the sorta of stuff I
deal with all day. *grumble* Now work's found me on the blessed FFML! Grrr!)

There is no escape! Bwa ha ha! :-) Okay, I'll change this bit, either
making more major changes in the house, or having Nabiki point out that
it shouldn't have worked but did anyway.

Anyone else think Tendo Soun has a rather unfatherly interest in Ranma's
female side? (Well, so do I, but I'm just a hentai otaku! *grin*)

"Oh, how can you suggest such a thing? *sniff* BOOO HOOOO!
WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Hmm... in light of Ranma's thoughts later on, I can see where this comes
from, Ranma just seems to be going with the lesser of three "evils". Ie,
he's picking the one that he's had at least *some* contact with. But it
doesn't seem to me that he'd have had a chance to form much of an opinion
at this point on *any* of the Tendo girls yet.

Maybe, but the wish forced him to pick one of them anyway.

	"ME?!" Akane glowered. "Why would I ever want to marry an
egotistical jerk like you?"

Where's she getting "egotistical" from? Other than the cheating comment
Ranma hasn't really done anything one way or the other to provide material
for insults. Wouldn't Akane be hung up on Ranma being a "hentai" like she
is in the canon at this point?

Good point. I'll either put in a different line or have Ranma say
something earlier that justifies it.

	"Now *that* he had coming," Pop said.

Argh! "Pop" again! Additionally, this little scene seems forced. 

Point taken. I'll see about changing it.

And I can't believe *you* of all people, used the mallet gag. Though it is
a *little* more believable here. At least we know where the mallet's coming
from.

Hey, it just seemed to fit. Actually, I've got nothing against the
mallet gag when used as slapstick. It's when people try to justify it as
a hyperdimensional ki manifestation or somesuch thing that I tend to get
a little leery.

	"Such an action," Pop continued, "would not befit the high
standards that I as a martial artist have naturally come to--" Ranma

"...I, as a martial artist, have..."

Right.

poured the hot water onto himself; he became male. Exactly
simultaneously, Pop turned back into a panda, and his words became
unintelligible. Akane's hammer vanished, as did the air conditioning.

"Exactly simultaneously,"? As opposed to "Randomly simultaneously"? It's a
bit of a mouthful that seems a bit redundant.

OK, will change.

And Genma hasn't picked up on this little tidbit? While Genma isn't the
most intelligent fellow in the classical sense, he isn't exactly stupid,
especially about turning a situation to his advantage.

Genma's been a panda for most of the time since they acquired the
curses.

He knows about magic lamps? When did he learn this? Come to think of it,
where *would* Ranma have picked up such "useless" knowledge? 

Dunno... school, maybe? He did have some formal schooling; that's how he
met Ryoga.

Eh!? Ranma seems almost accepting of the marriage proposal throughout this
sequence. He seems to be seriously considering it at least. Then again,
Ranma does seem to be remarkably obedient to his parents, especially
considering how much crap he has to put up with from them.

This Ranma's in a bit more of a desperate situation than the canon
version. He pretty much *has* to find someone he can trust. So yeah, he
is more amenable to the idea of the engagement here, or at least he's
giving it more serious consideration.

	He glanced over at her, and saw what might be sympathy in her
eyes. Then, noticing that he was looking, she hmphed and turned away
indignantly. So much for the lesser of three evils, he thought. Maybe
the magic had just made him pick her at random.

Ack! Didn't realize you'd use the same phrase to refer to the Tendo sisters
when I wrote about them earlier. *snicker*

Hey, GMTA! :-)

	After all, how difficult could it be?

Oh geez, that questions so loaded I'm not even going to touch it! *grin*

That's OK, the next twelve or so episodes should answer it. :)

Ok, we've reached the end so I guess I should explain my complaints about
the genie powers you've given to Ranma. Basically, I've got three problems
with Ranma's genie form.

The first problem is who gets to wish. As written, Ranma grants any wish
that he hears, regardless of who utters it. Yet, if this were true of the
genie that drowned in the Jusenkyo pool, why was the genie so difficult to
catch in the first place? All it would have taken was someone getting
within earshot of the genie and saying "I wish you would do everything I
tell you to do." or something to that effect.

You're assuming that the genie had no more control over things than
Ranma does. Ranma is a complete novice with no training at all (in this
regard, I mean). There are ways that his power could be controlled, but
he doesn't know them.

Second, there's the matter of control and interpretation, and this is a big
one for a masterless genie like Ranma. How many stories are there about
evil genies twisting a wish so that something bad happens to the wisher
instead of the good thing they wished for? Dozens? Hundreds? Again, Jeanie
in IDoJ was quite capable of this herself, not always granting exactly what
her master wanted, either because she didn't know, or because she was mad
at him or didn't like the wish. Why don't we see Ranma doing this? Akane's
"big hammer" could have been a wiffle hammer or paper-mache.

Again, this is possible, but Ranma doesn't have the necessary skills.
Whether he develops them is something you'll have to read further to
see.

Right now, I can see why you're having trouble making this humorous instead
of "moody drama". Ranma's "genie" form is rather flat and lifeless, being
simply a normal girl form with powers that Ranma can't use but that can be
easily turned against her. If things stay as they are, Ranma's going to be
subject to some rather intense abuse by those around him. Forget Nabiki,
she's small change. What about Ryouga? "I wish you were dead, Ranma!" Or
Genma and Soun? "We wish that Akane and Ranma were married, right now!" Or
*shudder* Happosai? "I wish Ranma would..." No, let's not go there. I think

I can see your point, but I think you're applying a higher standard here
than is appropriate. It's like asking why Ranma and friends never
managed to get cured, when they certainly should've been able to get to
the nanniquan with a little effort. Hell, there's no real reason why
Ranma and Pop :p couldn't have jumped in the thing right after getting
cursed.

Why didn't they? Because there wouldn't have been a series if they had.
Plot believability is important, but I hope you can cut me a certain
amount of slack here, especially since this series is primarily done for
comedy.

there's going to need to be some changes, and shortly, or Ranma is going to
have a rather miserable life.

He is, at least for a while. But it's going to be humorously miserable
rather than angst-miserable.

(Additionally, the "catch" to Ranma's powers
doesn't hold water either since it would have never applied to the original
genie. It also means that someone, like Nabiki, is going to be wishing real
soon for Ranma to *stay* a girl so the wishes stay in affect. More abuse
for poor Ranma.)

I seem to be in the minority on this, but I don't think Nabsy is that
heartless. I think she'd consider this kind of thing unsporting; same
reason why she's never conned Kuno into signing over his entire fortune
to her, even though I'd bet that she could. What she does is a game to
her, and a game's no fun without rules.

One, you could hack off your opening paragraphs, leave Ranma with no
control over his powers and write a tear-jerking story about a boy being
abused by everyone around him while his fated love fights those around him
for control of him. This could end with a Akane (or another fiancee of your
choice) holding a happily sobbing Ramna-chan as she (Ranma-chan) swears her
eternal love and servitude to the one who saved her from her wretched
relatives. Or than again, maybe not...

Uh.. no. Might make a good story, but it's not the one I'm doing.

Two, and this is the one I'm hoping for, have Ranma learn to control the
genie's powers. Don't have him suddenly be all-powerful of course. Learning
anything means making mistakes, *lots* of mistakes, lots of magical, funny
mistakes. Additionally, limit who can make wishes off his genie side.
Certain criteria have to be met before Ranma will grant the wish, but then
he *has* to grant it. Or perhaps make it so he has a "quota" of wishes he
has to grant within a certain amount of time. Say, a dozen every lunar
month or such. Also, limit how much the wishes can effect Ranma directly.

Again, that would be an interesting story, but it's not the direction
I've got in mind for this fic. I hope you'll wait a little while and see
how it goes before deciding whether it works or not.

Else, someone, Nodoka perhaps, could wish to end Ranma's curse. (Ranma's
curse should be the only one curable since the genie magic, under the
guidelines established in the story so far, will affect Ranma so it can
simply annihilate itself, curing Ranma. Or killing him, perhaps.) And most

Actually, no. A wish to end Ranma's curse would bring him back to male
form. That would cancel the power of the wish, so that he could be
turned back again with the next splash of water.

importantly of all, give Ranma *some* control over how the magic manifests
itself. Half the fun of genie stories is watching the wish get twisted into
something the wisher most definately *didn't* want. 

Oh, I never said *that* wouldn't happen. ^_^

Well, the mouse has roared. I certainly hope you appreciate it. I don't
spend (*gak* Is it that late already!?) over an hour on fics I don't like,
so I hope to see more of this. 

Thanks, I very much appreciate the highly thoughtful commentary, even if
I didn't agree with all of it. I hope you'll let me know what you think
as the series progresses.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html