<SNIP>
Once upon a time, a vast kingdom existed. Its lands stretched
Are you sure you want to begin it on that note?
<SNIP>
I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that the djinnis
either Happosai or Cologne.
<SNIP>
It'd been a weird morning. They'd been expecting a boy and his
You may want to stretch that out to "It had". As it stands now the
sentence sounds a bit funny.
father, not a girl and a panda. Everyone had acted disappointed, and
Ranma had seemed upset about it. Akane hoped a little combat would take
her mind off it and make her feel better.
Nothing like beating the crap out of someone to lift one's spirits. ^_^
<SNIP>
Then again, she'd seen and heard of some pretty weird styles;
a school of Martial Arts Belly-dancing wouldn't be that hard to believe.
Martial Arts Belly-Dancing? BWAHAHAHAHA! That's just TOO weird, even
for Ranma...
<SNIP>
"Just for fun." Akane took up a combat stance, feet widely
You may want to change the end of the sentence to: "...,feet spread
wide.".
<SNIP>
Akane lashed out with a fist, and time seemed to go into slow
motion. Her senses flared into an alertness at a level she'd never
before experienced. She was aware of every minute motion, even every
drop of sweat on Ranma's body. The muted thumping of Ranma's heartbeat
quickened as her eyes tilted slightly upwards. She was about to try to
leap over Akane's strike. That was as obvious to Akane as if there had
been a six-foot sign announcing it.
Akane's a telepath?
<SNIP>
"I'm really sorry." Akane was making a fool out of herself,
practically falling over herself to apologize, but she didn't know what
else to say.
You've got "herself" twice in that sentence.
<SNIP>
"How could you take Ranma to such a place?" Kasumi scolded. "A
parent ought to be more responsible!"
This may be just a minor thing, but I don't think Kasumi would scold
Genma like that.
<SNIP>
second time that day, Ranma landed with a splash in the pond.
Second time? When was the first?
<SNIP>
"Wait a minute!" Akane said defensively. "What are you talking
about?! I beat you fair and square!"
"No you didn't." Ranma flashed a smug smile. "You wished to be
the world's greatest martial artist, or something like that. That's
cheating."
"What do you mean, 'cheating?!'"
"I mean cheating. If you don't understand, try wishing for a
dictionary."
I see Ranm is his/her usual charming self.
<SNIP>
"Goodness!" Kasumi exclaimed. "Ranma will certainly come in
useful around the house!"
Wouldn't he though? ^_^
"You never told me you had such a talented offspring, Saotome!"
Mr. Tendo put his arm around the boy-turned-genie, patting him on the
shoulder. "Ranma! I'd like you to formally meet my three beautiful,
eligible daughters. Pick the one you want, and...."
"Forget it." Ranma waved a hand dismissively. "No offense, Mr.
Tendo, but I ain't gettin' married to nobody."
Uh... when was the news broken to Ranma?
<SNIP>
"Ranma," Akane said with surprising calm. "I wish I had a really
big hammer."
A large mallet appeared in her hand. She promptly clubbed Ranma
over the head with it.
A rather intersting variation on the mallet bit.
<SNIP>
Kasumi, on the other hand, seemed relatively safe, but he
couldn't picture himself married to her. Though she was only a few years
older that he was, she still seemed so... motherly. A mother would be a
nice thing to have, he supposed, but he didn't want to marry one. He
thought about what married people did together, and shuddered. With
someone who was like a mother? That was just wrong.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
All in all, this is a rather interesting fic. It's well written, and
the jokes are right funny. The image of Girl Ranma dressed in that genie
getup is still one I'm laughing at. On that note, you could make Ranma's
disgust at her costume a bit more evident. Self-consciously covering herself
without even realizing it or something like that.
Well, that's my two cents worth. Waiting for the next chapter!
Jed
http://web.infoave.net/~jedediah