Gary Kleppe wrote:

        Here's part 1 of a new series. This has not been pre-read;
please C&C generously, preferably to the FFML.

Oookay.  You asked for it.

Prologue

        Once upon a time, a vast kingdom existed. Its lands stretched
over enormous distances, bounded by desert and mountains and ocean. An
old and wise monarch ruled with justice and fairness, and was beloved by
all the people, or so say the legends.

Rather a bland opening:  The Legends of Generic Kingdom.  
 

        The djinn, or genies, were the bane of the kingdom. They flitted
about from place to place, causing terrible chaos and mischief with
their magics. So great was their power that none could stand against it.

Djinni don't flit about.  Fairies flit.  Butterflies flit.  Sailor Moon
would flit, except that she's too big and tends to trip over her own two
feet and go flying into the Tupperware.  Djinni are big and powerful and
don't flit.  Unless they want to.
 

        The monarch of the land saw what the djinn were doing, and knew
that they had to be stopped. One by one, the genies were captured and
imprisoned so that they could cause no further harm and disruption to
mankind.

Well, that was quick.  Pretty powerful monarch--what'd he do, pass a
law?  
 

        However, one djinn managed to escape every trap set for it.
Magic lamps, bottles, rings -- none of them could hold this genie. The
monarch assembled the finest scholars who could be found and asked what
could be done, how the kingdom could be rid of this troublesome spirit.
They had no answer.

        In desperation, the monarch traveled to the mountains, where the
most knowledgeable sage in the kingdom was said to live. The monarch
found the sage and asked what could be tried to contain the djinn that
the most powerful devices in the land had failed to hold.

        "Well," said the sage, "there might just be ONE thing...."

Not panties, please.
 

                            I DREAM OF RANMA

             Ranma 1/2 Alternate Universe Manga Fanfiction
                             by Gary Kleppe

A little detail would help this predule quite a bit.  Perhaps you could
give the old and wise monarch a monocle or a pair of baggy pants or a
name or something.  Anything to give us a picture of him.  
 

                               Episode 1:
                  When You Wish Upon a Martial Artist

        Once upon a much later time, a kingdom of sorts existed called
the Tendo Dojo. Its ruler was not really all that wise, but had a good
heart and generally meant well. He had three daughters, the youngest of
whom was named Akane.

        "I'm Akane." She smiled at the smaller girl. "You want to be
friends?"

What smaller girl?  You're writing like a screenplay; jump cuts don't
really work in prose.  They're confusing.  Set the scene before you
start in on the dialogue.  Let us know who's here and what they're
doing.
 

        The other girl -- Ranma, she'd said her name was -- nodded, with
gratitude in her eyes. She stood, and followed Akane into the practice
hall. The air was humid and sticky following an early rain shower, and
Akane's gi clung to her body as she walked.

That's an odd detail.  Whose point of view is this?  It sounds like the
narrator is ogling Akane.
 

        It'd been a weird morning. They'd been expecting 

They?  Who's they?  Ranma and Akane?  The Bavarian Illuminati?  Can we
have an antecedent with that pronoun, please?

a boy and his
father, not a girl and a panda. Everyone had acted disappointed, and
Ranma had seemed upset about it. Akane hoped a little combat would take
her mind off it and make her feel better.

You don't have to novelize the first issue of RANMA 1/2, but it would be
nice if you were to sum up the situation a bit.  Set the scene.

        Akane paused for a moment to stare at Ranma's odd clothing. The
basic outfit was something akin to a two-piece bikini. A vest partially
overlaid the top, and a pair of loose-fitting, semitransparent pants
covered the bottom. Shiny bracelets adorned her wrists and ankles. It
certainly wasn't what Akane had expected from someone who practiced
fighting. Then again, she'd seen and heard of some pretty weird styles;
a school of Martial Arts Belly-dancing wouldn't be that hard to believe.

        "You do karate, don't you?" Akane asked.

I'm not sure "do" is the proper verb for "karate."  It sounds like an
illegal drug.  "Practice" or "study" or just "know" would be better, I
think.
 

        "A little."

        The door slid open, and they stepped onto the slatted wooden
floor of the dojo. "Then let's have a little match, okay?"

        "Huh?"

        "Just for fun." Akane took up a combat stance, feet widely

"wide"

apart. "Don't worry. I won't hurt you. I'm not the greatest martial
artist in the world, no matter how much I wish I were." Ranma seemed to
pale a bit at those last words. Strange, Akane thought; wasn't there any
way to build up this girl's confidence? Oh well, it was something she
would have to work on.

        Ranma bowed slightly, and stood with her legs together and her
hands behind her back. She obviously wasn't going to make the first
move. Akane charged forward, her fists tightly clenched. Ranma waited
for her approach.

        Akane lashed out with a fist, and time seemed to go into slow
motion. Her senses flared into an alertness at a level she'd never
before experienced. She was aware of every minute motion, even every
drop of sweat on Ranma's body. The muted thumping of Ranma's heartbeat
quickened as her eyes tilted slightly upwards. She was about to try to
leap over Akane's strike. That was as obvious to Akane as if there had
been a six-foot sign announcing it.

        The fist's direction adjusted slightly, it struck Ranma's chest
in exactly the right spot. She went limp as she crashed into the wooden
wall, then slumped to the ground like a child going down a slide.

        Akane stared at her opponent, who was gasping for breath. *How
the hell did I do that?* Not only had she easily hit the fastest
opponent she'd ever faced, but she'd known exactly where and how to hit
so that Ranma would be unable to keep fighting, but wouldn't sustain any
lasting injury.

She got her wish, hm?

Good description of her new perceptions.
 

        Akane reached out a hand, and helped Ranma to her feet. "Sorry
about that." Why did she have to waste such a great strike fighting
Ranma -- who she had been trying to cheer up? Why couldn't it happen
against Kuno, or one of the other blowhards at school? The ones who
*deserved* this kind of beating? "I'm not usually that good. Really."

        "Yeah." Ranma nodded. "Believe me, I understand." The girls
exchanged awkward smiles and nervous laughter.

        "I'm really sorry." Akane was making a fool out of herself,
practically falling over herself to apologize, but she didn't know what
else to say.

For some strange reason, I have an urge to quote Mary Poppins.
 

        "Don't worry about it. It wasn't your fault. It was...." Ranma's
gaze seemed to lose focus for a moment, then returned. "It wasn't your
fault."

        "You know, I've always wanted to do that well against some of
the adolescent idiots at our school. I'm sorry I had to waste a pounding
like that against someone who didn't deserve it." She smirked at Ranma.
"I kinda wish you were a boy."

        Akane blinked. She was suddenly looking at a different person.
The black pigtail was still there, but the person attached to it now
wore a dark red Chinese shirt and black pants. And he was male. She
spent several moments staring at the flat, muscular chest to confirm it.
Definitely male.

        "I'm Ranma Saotome," he said. "Sorry about this."

        Turning away, Akane lowered her head for a moment.

        Then she screamed.

        "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

******


 > 

        "I wish you hadn't done that, son," Mr. Tendo gently admonished.
"Your father was trying to--" He stopped in mid-sentence, gaping at Pop
who was now back in human form. "Saotome? How did you--?"

        "You wished for it, Tendo. You see, as near as we can figure,
Ranma's pool has turned him into a genie."

        "Oh my, a genie?" Kasumi said, as if the news were no big deal.
"You mean one of those Arabian spirits who can grant wishes?"

But . . . but genies ACTIVELY grant wishes.  Ranma's acting like a sort
of wishing stone or monkey's paw.  Shouldn't he have to DO something
before a wish is granted?

And aren't genies only required to grant wishes for their "masters?" 
Because they're basically slaves?
 

        "Yup." Ranma felt as if he were confessing to a crime, and about
to take his punishment. It had been bad enough having Pop making all
kinds of dumb wishes. Now the whole Tendo family would be doing the same
thing. "Akane made one before, by accident. That's how she won the fight
we had."

        "Don't you get it? It doesn't work when *I* do it!"

How strange.  

        "I see," Nabiki said. "Dad's wish had turned him human, but with
you no longer a genie, there was nothing to keep it in effect. When you
go back to male form, it cancels all the wishes. Right?"

        Ranma nodded.

Interesting.
 

        Kasumi, on the other hand, seemed relatively safe, but he
couldn't picture himself married to her. Though she was only a few years
older that he was, she still seemed so... motherly. A mother would be a
nice thing to have, he supposed, but he didn't want to marry one. He
thought about what married people did together, and shuddered. With
someone who was like a mother? That was just wrong.

He's not a genie.  He's Peter flippin' Pan.
 

        And what about Akane? She didn't seem interested in exploiting
him, which was a good thing. But she'd gotten all hostile as soon as
she'd found out that he was a boy. Would they ever be able to live
together without arguing and fighting all the time?

        He glanced over at her, and saw what might be sympathy in her
eyes. Then, noticing that he was looking, she hmphed and turned away
indignantly. So much for the lesser of three evils, he thought. Maybe
the magic had just made him pick her at random.

This is a very reflective version of Ranma.
 

        *I ain't gettin' married to nobody.* He repeated the thought to
himself, over and over. He was living with the Tendos now -- there was
nothing he could do about that. But he wasn't going to let Nabiki and
the others take advantage of him. And he'd keep his curse a secret from
everyone else in the neighborhood.

        After all, how difficult could it be?

        AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story should not be confused with Tom
"Disruptor" Mathews' "Genie of the Ring" fic. Though both grew from the
same seed, our takes on the idea are quite different, as you know if
you've read both stories. Thanks go to Jurai Knight for the idea post
that got me interested in writing this, and to Megane 6.7, who allowed
me to run some of my initial ideas for this series by him, and suggested
some more.

        C&C is welcome and desired, preferably to the FFML. I currently
plan 13 episodes, and might add more if I think of ideas for them. I'm a
bit concerned about the tone of this chapter; it's supposed to be
something close to original flavor comedy, and I'm finding it hard to
break out of "moody drama" mode.

Oooh, that's hard.  The "moody drama" passages flowed okay, but I didn't
see much humor.  Read Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, James Thurber, and
other comic writers.  Look at how they put words together.  Try to find
odd or clever ways to phrase the ideas you've set out in straightforward
prose.

-- David