C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

WARNING:  This C&C contains graphic descriptions of a
disturbing nature, and particularly unsubtle innuendo.

[...]

	Part Eight: Female Trouble

[...]

	Genma Saotome considered himself a good father.

Excellent opening.  I was instantly drawn in.  :)

	He never understood why his son didn't agree. Or his wife. Or his
future daughter in law. Or her sisters. Or even his best friend at
times.

I can *totally* relate!

	It's not as though he'd ever done anything wrong in raising the
boy on that training trip.

	Well, except possibly for the fiancee business, but he had been
hungry.

	And maybe the Neko-ken, but who really reads all of a book these
days?

	Of course, some might blame him for Jusenkyo... but how could he
have known? The Chinese guidebook had been cheaper than the Japanese
one, anyway...

	But except for those minor incidents, he'd done rather well, he
thought.

I must say, you're one of the few authors that seems to truly
*understand* Genma, instead of treating him like some bastard
idiot, who's only screwed up Ranma's life.

	World of his own, folks, world of his own.

Hey!

[...]

	Genma was not a happy man. Well, at the moment, he was not a
happy panda. Either way he wasn't happy.

You really don't need to correct his thoughts.  Even if he's not
a happy panda, he's *still* not a happy man.  He's just not *any*
type of man...  ;)

[...]

	"Yeah... kinda inside me. I think I got something I didn't know I
had. And I been feeling twitchy all day, you know? Is it that...
thing... Mom's been talking about?"

We're going to have to kill you now, Ranma.  There's an alien
creatue waiting to burst out of your stomach.  (Game OVER, man!
Game OVER!!!)

[...]

	And Soun, who had been hiding behind a screen, trying to figure
out what Ranma and Akane had been talking about, broke into a torrent
of tears. Not that that was unusual, a lollipop that tasted nice could
cause Soun to break out into a torrent of tears...

Soun:  How can you characterize me as some sort of pathetic excuse for
       a man, that has extreme emotional outbursts at the *tinniest*
       little thing?!?  You're so mean!  [bawl]

[...]

	"Tendo, this has gone far enough. Somehow we must convince Nodoka
AND Ranma to give up this lunacy."

	"I'd agree, Saotome, but being lunar in nature it happens. I
know, I have three daughters, and it's pretty much inevitable--"

	"Not the damn period man, this insane Girl Days training. I fear
I may lose my son forever. What if this experience drives him over the
edge?"

Uh...  I'll just note that this joke is strained.  When Soun says
"being lunar in nature, *it* happens", the implied subject is still
"lunacy," which had me confused.

punc:  but, being lunar in nature, it
punc:  not the damn period, man

suggest:  I know.  I have three daughters
suggest:  not the damned period, man

[...]

	"Anyhow, Saotome, it doesn't seem to have hurt the lasses skills
or anything-- she's as good as ever. Maybe a bit better, you've been
hitting the koi pond a lot more the last few days."

sp:  hurt the lass' skills
or:  hurt the lass's skills

	"Only because HE'S got no reason to avoid that area anymore,"
grumbled Genma. "Ranma takes shameless advantage of it."

	"Isn't that a fundamental precept of the Art?"

	"Yes-- but not when he uses it against me!"

So true!  :)

[...]

	But it was generally considered that it might be a good idea to
walk softly. As in on eggshells strewn on a rickety rope bridge out of
Indiana Jones that was three feet over a minefield while juggling a
flask on nitroglycerin and another of Sarin gas.

suggest:  rickety bridge out of an Indiana Jones movie
(I had a vision of Indiana's intestinal membranes stretched out into
a tenuous bridge.  I don't want to have that vision again.  :|  )

[...]

	Now she wasn't so sure. This was something that did NOT happen to
men. None that SHE'D ever heard about, that is.

Yes.  When a guy doesn't have any (um) parts down there, and
there's blood leaking out, it's typically a Very Bad Sign.

	Nodoka was, on the other hand, somewhat confused at how hard her
daughter was taking the matter. Up till now, she'd been doing so well--
perhaps not a proper lady, but a well-behaved tomboy, as she'd
expected. This seemed to her something of an overreaction.

Ma'am, have you considered the strong castration
symbolism your son is experiencing at the moment?

[...]

	In Ranma's case, however, it was the equivalent of one day a
male, the next something quite different-- in self image at least--
with no real time to adapt. Ranma had received all her changes at once
due to Jyusenko, and the psychological effects of her first
menstruation combined with the physical ones of unfamiliar discomforts
and hormonal imbalances would tend to make ANYONE in that situation
somewhat... fragile.

sp: Jusenkyo

I can see it now...
Girl-Type:  Please, I'm... fragile.
Kuno:  I'll be gentle.

(Ahem)

[...]

	But to her, it was something still vague. Perhaps it was because
she'd spent so many years on the road thinking of nothing but the Art,
or maybe it was because she spent so much time AS a she at times-- even
unplanned-- but she didn't have the hormonally driven bullet train of
lust that other boys her age had. Where they found it enticing, she
found it frightening, somewhat-- even more than a real girl might.

The last sentence doesn't work too well.  "While [other boys her age]
found [sex] enticing, she found it frightening ... even more than a
real girl might."  The same sentence treats Ranma's peer group as boys
but then it's girls.

I know they both *are* his peers, but I get a sort of mental
(Ranma = boy) AND (Ranma = girl) -> (boy = girl) thing going on.
I dunno, maybe it's just an inescapable consequence of gender in
Ranma ...

[...]

	"I can't BELIEVE Pops! Walking in while I'm bathing when I put
the sign out and everything, splashing me with hot water for no reason,
and trying to steal my... my panties! What the hell's got into him,
Mom?"

Classic setup for this punch line.  :)

[...]

	For reasons that no-one had yet adequately explained, shopping
parties for Ranma tended to have both Nodoka and Akane in tow. This
would lead to some unusual results this day.

sp:  no one
(Although your spelling was still better than noone.  :)

[...]

	Akane gulped as Ranma flared an incandescent blue, and screamed
into her face (from three inches) "I am not a pervert! You keep calling
me that and I ain't! I'm sick of it! Dammit, I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHEEZE
WHIZ!"

Oh, really?  I find it difficult to believe that Ranma doesn't like
any food (or foodstuff).  Admit it, Ranma!  You *do* like Cheez Whiz.
I can tell you want some.  To swallow the warm... gooey... salty...
processed foodstuff goodness!

[...]

	Akane nodded, resolved to be extra nice the next few days, and
tried desperately to figure out what Cheeze Whiz had to do with
anything.

Herein lies the secret of the universe...

sp:  Cheez Whiz
(That's the real-world product's name, anyway.)

[...]

[...] I don't think they have Dragonball Z socks, because most girls
aren't into that. And bookbag tags are good, and a lot of girls go for
unusual hairstyles.

sp: book bag
(I make this mistake all the time, myself.)

I dunno about that DBZ remark.
A lot of fangirls seem to like that Trunks character...

[...]

	Akane internally acked. (A habit she had picked up from Ranma.)

A neat trick, that.  :)
She must be reading his mind to pick up internal acks.

(Visions of internal ACKs, NACKs, and three-way
handshakes dance though this computer programmer's head.)

[...]

	"So we can wear these under the uniforms and you can practice
your fencewalking. If we get there early we can change into panties
before class. We also have a better chance of dodging Kuno."

sp: fence walking

[...]

	Akane stared. That was-- lefthanded, yes, but still-- a
complement. A serious one. Ranma MUST be unstable.

sp:  left-handed

	"But... you always call me uncute..."

	"That doesn't have anything to do with your looks."

An interesting angle I hadn't considered before.  :)

[...]

	Girl days was supposed to educate Ranma. But as little as she
wanted to admit it, they were teaching her something also. Things she
didn't like. About herself.

gram:  Girl days were supposed
punc:  But, as little

suggest:  they were also teaching her some things she didn't like.
("They were supposed to educate her, but they were teaching her,
also." is a weird construct.  Make it clear that "They were
supposed to educate her, but they were also teaching her *things
she didn't like*.)

[...]

	"Oh, is that what you meant?" Akane retorted (rather weakly).
"Well, why didn't you ever explain that?"

	"Because I'd never get three words out before being pummeled,
that's why!"

Poor excuse, Ranma.  You could have told her your opinion and *then*
said that's why you think she's uncute.  Instead you call her uncute,
tick her off, and *then* trying to explain it, when she's already
PO'ed.

Geez, putting all the blame on Akane, here...

[...]

	Akane's next reaction was classic 'girl'. Ranma's was more her
present unstable emotional state-- but there was, possibly, a bit of
girl there also. Or maybe a boy who was learning that showing his
feelings wasn't needfully a bad thing.

sp: necessarily

[...]

	And Nodoka Saotome smiled... and wondered.

...How many licks *does* it take to get to the center of a tootsie
roll brand tootsie pop?

[...]

	"You... you... Oh, I see it now, I do."

	"Uh?"

	"You're a BOY!"

	Shampoo had been accused of many things. Boy wasn't even in the
realms of possibility.

	Akane stared at Ranma in sheer stupefaction. Nodoka, being the
wise and perceptive woman she was, also stared at Ranma in sheer
stupefaction. THIS was an extremely unexpected accusation.

	"What airen mean, Shampoo Boy? Shampoo look like boy to airen?"

	"You can't fool me! Glomping me all the time, trying to get me to
go on dates with you, trying to kiss me-- just like boys do! You're a
boy! A pushy, perverted boy! You probably even have Cheeze Whiz!"

cap:  What Airen mean, Shampoo boy?

Ah, the mind works in mysterious ways...  :)

[...]

	"Ranma Saotome! I challenge you!" came a cry from outside the
Dojo's walls.

cap: dojo's

[...]

	"You really need to take the tea with some food. Besides, it
get's the aftertaste out."

sp:  gets

[...]

	"Kuno doesn't count. Besides, he gets hit by his own all the
time," Akane put in.

Kuno:  Lighting seeks out the highest object.
       And naturally, because I'm so tall and dashing...

[...]

	"Shampoo not mad. No blame airen be crazy. Not help it."

cap: Airen
(Shampoo is using it as a proper name.  I think...)

[...]

	Ranma stood in the park, wearing a trenchcoat over her fighting
gear. Nabiki, who had gotten her first look at the fighting gear that
morning, was standing with her fingers twitching on the camcorder.
Shampoo, Ukyo, Akane, Cologne, and Nodoka all stood to one side,
waiting for the challenger to arrive.

sp:  trench coat

[...]

	Ranma was carefully in control. Although she was nowhere near as
erratic as she had been the day before, beneath the surface was the
potential to go nuts again.

Just trying to make the nuts potential clear ahead of time, eh?  :j

[...]

	He nodded to Ranma, who dropped her trenchcoat, and--

sp:  trench coat

[...]

	"So," she said throatily, "Wanna rumble?"

	Big Pocky gulped and nodded.

"Y- Your place or mine?"

[...]

	Suddenly Ranma found herself assaulted by ice-cream cones, and
one managed to hit her in the face. As she reached for her
mirrorshades, to drop them and regain sight, she felt something warm
and stick bind her arms.

sp:  sticky(?)

Assaulted by ice cream cones?  This sound like another Urusei
Yatsura reference...

[...]

	Ranma was glowing. Incandecent blue, a azure beacon of feminine
rage, masculine fury, and really really unbalanced hormones. A beacon
that was screaming "Cheeze Whiz", "Pervert", and something about
chickens. A beacon that was so angry her chi began to literally burn
the dairy-based weapon off.

sp:  incandescent
(I wonder what incan-decent might mean?
Glow in the dark condoms, perhaps...)

You know...  *Big* Pocky (no phallic connotations, there!) is trying
to *bind* Ranma in her *leather outfit* with something *warm and
sticky*.  You don't even need a misunderstanding on Ranma's part.

This IS perverted!

[...]

	"Um... did I say something wrong, miss? I can buy you a drink to
make up for it..."

"...Maybe catch a movie..."

[...]

	The crowd gasped. Nabiki collected bets. Akane and Nodoka
congratulated Ranma, while trying to figure out where THAT technique
came from. Cologne stared at the unconcious challenger, while wondering
what it was about dairy products that had caused Ranma to create an
entirely new technique. Shampoo and Ukyo just gawked.

sp:  unconscious

	"Maybe. But somehow I get the feeling I can only do that one if
I'm a girl and really really angry. Hey, Shampoo, what's wrong?"

	Shampoo sat and sulked. "Hibachan mean to Shampoo."

	"I've already told you, great-granddaughter, you may NOT have an
outfit like Ranma's. It's fine for her, but not appropriate for an
Amazon."

Heh.  :D

[...]

	"Hey, I think the outfit's cool! You look like something from a
videogame, Ranchan!"

sp:  video game

	"Thanks, Ucchan. It might seem wierd, but I like it. I like it's
style. Hmm..."

sp:  weird
sp:  its

[...]

	Ranma never noticed three severe blushes as she returned to her
celebratory meal. Or Nabiki's expression as she contemplated buying
such an outfit for Ranma as a present-- and a photo opportunity. Or
Nodoka's resigned expression. Or Cologne's hysterical grin. Or Kasumi's
even more furious blush than the Fiancee Front's, combined with a
desparate "Oh My!" Or Genma's sudden nervous twitch. Or Soun's sudden
stiffening. Or...

sp: desperate

	End part Eight

All in all a good part.  It was pretty funny throughout.  I did have
a little trouble swallowing the part when "Ranma-chan!" encounters Big
Pocky (A cute name, that).

The pervert remarks, the Lum attack on Kuno, and the Shampoo=boy
remarks all seemed largely in character for a degenerating Ranma.
But after the super-cute "Ranma-chan!" comes along, and afterwards,
all her odd behavior is written off as a "chi-imbalance", and Ranma
gets a sort of partial amnesia.

With the exception of "Ranma-chan!", I don't think there's any need
to explain away Ranma's behavior with a "chi-imbalance".  Her behavior
was a completely natural (if very weird) way for Ranma to cope with
her problems.

Actually, I just don't like the "chi-imbalance" explanation.  A cold
with a runny nose is a chi-imbalance, but you don't call it that; you
just call it being sick.

Using the word "chi" immediately beings in associations with martial
arts, and mysticism.  Those are associations I don't think you need.
The story stands strongly enough without them.

Although I do think that when "Ranma-chan!" comes along, she is so out
of character that SOME explanation is required.  ^_^;;;

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall  *  dougmacd@dougmacd.net  *  http://www.dougmacd.net/
"You were nicer when you were evil...  Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"