allyn yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

HI,
very nice read. ^_^

Thanks. ^_^
	

The one change IMO that would help is the addition  of
a control device of 
some sort for Ranma-genie. As it stands now it seems
that anyone can make a wish
and if they are near Ranma-genie it comes true.
Thinking back to some 
of the original Arabian Nights stories,  part of the
tension came from who
had control of the lamp or ring. (The genie of the

Hmmm. 'Fraid that's not gonna happen. Part of the concept of this fic,
as you'll see in subsequent episodes, is that people can make wishes by
accident and cause al sorts of problems for Ranma.

I can see possibilites
for chaos if people make careless wishes too close to
�Ranma-genie'.

"Tendou Akane, I wish you would date with me!" ^_^

Been reading my plot outline for episode 2, have you? :)

I suppose it's my fondness for the �classics' that
makes me long for 
a magic lamp or ring. Perhaps an �engagement' ring for
Akane??? 

A fic like this is already being written by Disruptor.

This give a device that can be lost or stolen (a la
the �Charlotte Cup')

In any event it is a marvelous story and I look
forward to the remaining chapters.

Thanks, I'll try not to disappoint. :)

BTW I find it interesting that the Genie stories seem
fixated on the TV show "I dream of Genie" No one seems
to be using some of the old descriptions of Djin as
hideously destructive, short tempered creatures.
Remind you of someone? <BG>

Yeah, but she only gets a cameo or two near the end of this series.
To answer your point, a hideous genie wouldn't really work for this
story. Ranma's gotta be able to pass for a normal person.

	"Well," said the sage, "there might just be ONE
thing...."

##<BG> VERY NICE ending line.

Hey, I'm a Black Adder fan.... :)

##Nice set up, but just a trifle long IMO. It might be
better if shorter. 

Will see what I can do with it.

##OK, I like it in spite of myself.(it's the costume)
I'm not sure why Ranma is still in 'Genie' costume.
Just thinking about Genma. I'm not sure why he
wouldn't keep it too himself. He doesn't seem the type
to share. I'd think he would keep it a secret and the
Genie part would come out by accident.

Ranma and Genma showed up in normal form, but got unexpectedly caught in
the rain. Genma can't make wishes as a panda, so they had to stay that
way. :)

	"Just for fun." Akane took up a combat stance, feet
widely
apart. "Don't worry. I won't hurt you. I'm not the
greatest martial
artist in the world, no matter how much I wish I
were." 

##Again, I am probably too influenced by the
manga/anime. However this seems a little awkward, even
allowing for that.  IMO it makes more sense to have
Akane fighting/Ranma dodging and Akane "I wish I could
hit you" or  "I wish I could show you that I'm a
martial artist, as good as you are." 

I'll think about this.

Ranma seemed to

pale a bit at those last words. Strange, Akane
thought; wasn't there any
way to build up this girl's confidence? Oh well, it
was something she
would have to work on.

##I like the concept but it seems a little
undeveloped. Perhaps more from the first meeting to
show Ranma's lack of confidence or unease. 

Will consider.

	Akane stared at her opponent, who was gasping for
breath. *How
the hell did I do that?* Not only had she easily hit
the fastest
opponent she'd ever faced,

##How does she know Ranma's fast? This is their first
fight. The first blow in fact.

The speed at which Ranma dodged? Maybe I'll change this.

"I'm not usually

that good. Really."

##Again, this seems unnatural. The apology is fine and
expected. I'm not sure about the 'I'm not usually that
good." Perhaps a "Wow. I've never been able to do that
before. I wonder where that came from." sort of
reaction, to show her amazement. You've already set
that up with her internal dialogue. A verbalization
would be a natural extension. 

I'll have to think about this one.

##I don't see that it's foolish to apologize, esp.
when you've just knocked a guest arse over teakettle. 

Even when you're both martial artists and it was a sparring session?

I will just add that while the "I wish I had a big
mallet" is cute the "Now that he had coming" line
seems out of place. At that point Ranma and Akane 
each seem to be holding their own in their argument.
I'm not sure Ranma deserved
to be hammered(at this point).
The entire scene seemed
forced.

I'll take another look at it. I may have tried too hard to include some
of the lines from the original.

Again, this may be my personal prejudice. I
think the entire story is wonderful and does not need
this. OTOH I have no objection to Ranma getting
clobbered. I'd just like a different set-up. One more
in keeping with the rest of the story. In fact I
thought there was a perfect set-up when Akane said she
wished Ranma would learn what a jerk he was. (I'm
quoting from memory so I may be off a little.)

Actually, she told him to wish that he wasn't a jerk, which would have
no effect even if he had done so.

I like this very much. This is the sort of story I
consider a 'good read', irrespective of minor points.
I'm looking forward to the rest.

Thanks, I appreciate the comments and suggestions!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html